Help! I am leery about accepting a friend's POA request. How do I tell her this?

Just say" I really appreciate you thinking so highly of me. I am sorry, but it is not a responsibility that I can take on." Be direct; don't start giving reasons. Giving reasons invites an attempt by the other person to try to persuade you

Be careful. Being a POA (either financial or health, or both) can be very exhausting. If your friend suddenly cannot make decisions, it is all on you. Of course, you can go to court later to declare you cannot be her POA anymore but that’s a lot of work.

You can fib and say that you are already a POA for 3 aging relatives and cannot be for her as well. You would be available to provide advice if needed, but prefer not to be a formal POA.

Tell her you're not happy about taking it on because "family commitments" (or whatever excuse you like) make it impossible for you to predict your availability and you certainly wouldn't ever accept a responsibility you might be unable to fulfil.

If she says "oh, it's only a back up, I'm sure it'll never happen" then point out that this applies just as much to her distant relatives. Who will always be her relatives, come what may, whereas you and your better half may decide to emigrate - who can say.

Usually a financial POA manages financial matters if the "person" can not manage them himself/herself. You would pay bills, taxes, etc. from her accounts and never, never, never from your own. The problem for you is "knowing when" you will need to invoke this "power" if you do not have a closer relationship. I would tell her that you are deeply honored that she trusts you so much, but that you don't think you would be able to perform the duties required.

I had DPOA for my parents. Both were deaf and incapable of speaking on the phone or comprehending anything. I thought it would make life easier for managing their finances as no company will speak with you without it. It was still a nightmare anyway! Many institutions would not honor a POA until you threaten lawyers/legal action. It was ridiculous how many times back and forth with copies of documents, emails, phone calls, etc to get anything done, and even 3 trips to Chase Bank in person to get my deceased mother's IRA distributed to my father who was the beneficiary. So much time jumping through hoops and other hassles. But there was no one else they would trust, otherwise I would not have taken it on. It was constant frustration.
If it was anyone other than a parent or spouse, I would RUN in the other direction. Don't do it. You have enough responsibilities on your plate.
Now I'm the sole successor Trustee, so at least there was nothing for probate, but I can't close out the estate until next May. Apparently there is no such thing as easy or straight ahead; even a simple estate is complicated. Best of luck.

You should find out more of what she is expecting you to do.
And if you don't think you would be comfortable doing it just let her know.

All I can say is I took over POA in June 2020 for my actual relatives and it is a solid nightmare and a half, 24/7. I wouldn't do this for anyone, and I really reget my decision. I believe you should decline, even if it ends up hurting her feelings.

A friend recently commented (about my relatives), "They ARE drowning and they will pull you down with them if you let them." No thanks.

Can't you just tell her, kindly, that you are "honored" that she would want you to be a "back up" POA, but you think it is really only appropriate for her family members to accept this responsibility.? Don't discuss it further. You don't owe her any further explanation. This is a reasonable position. It doesn't matter what she may try to explain about her relatives...or her friend. It's her problem. Just stick to your decision. You have no obligation, and should feel no obligation, to be POA for her, back up or otherwise.

If you are writing this, then you really don't want to do it, so don't. You know what the responsibilities are and that was helping someone you knew and knew where her financial info was. This person lives states away. You know nothing of her finances or how she lives. Just say NO, been there done that. Don't want the responsibility.

When I retired thought great I don't have to think anymore! No month end closings, no dealing with customers. Just Veg out. Then I found that Mom had dementia. I took over paying her bills. Dealing with anything she no longer could. Then figuring out if she had enough money for an AL. Pinching every penny. Forms for Medicaid and everything that went with it. Keeping records. Dealing with a house that needed lots of work.
I would not do it again.

Because BIL lived 8 hrs away my MIL had assigned him POA and Executor. When she passed she had a home to get rid of and personal belongings. My brother in law asked if one of the brothers would take over. He was still working the other two, one my husband, were not. I declined for my husband, because he is almost deaf. Living 16 hrs away meant that I would be making the phone calls and trying to deal with realtor's and banks. Told BIL sorry no. I was already helping a mother who lived in her own home and POA for both her and a disabled nephew that I had helped to set up a Special Needs Acct and help him obtain an annuity and SSD. I was tired of all the paperwork. I had no problem saying NO.

My parents named their bank as the back-up after me and my brother. Suggest your friend do the same or line up a fiduciary.

Thanks for all of the thoughtful comments and suggestions! I will post a followup after i have "the discussion" -
be well all, and have a safe thanksgiving!

I can see and predict the vultures circling. I wouldn't even take on POA for the friend. This belongs in the hands of a fiduciary or maybe a charity that would take on the task, if they were the beneficiary, knowing how families can get after the passing of someone. Not with a ten foot pole!

You can say:
"I cannot possibly do that".

I agree with notgoodenough's points: your friend's PoA should live in close proximity to her and be at least 15 to 20 yrs younger than she. Otherwise it will be one old person trying to manage another old person's affairs. And the chance that you precede her in death exists. Besides, you may be called upon to be PoA for your parents or another relative. And the chance that you may not live where you do now also exists.

I realize it may feel awkward to say no to her, but you can always follow it up by giving her other viable options, like suggesting a fiduciary or an attorney. She should create a Living Will and give it to her doctor so those decisions are pre-made by her.

I'm going to venture a guess that the reason she doesn't want you to see where she lives is because she's a hoarder. That would also explain why her family isn't willing to cover for her. Regardless, she deserves praise for having the wisdom to get her affairs in order!

“I’m honored that you feel you feel you can entrust me with this responsibility and I have weighed it carefully but I don’t feel like it would be responsible for me to accept. Having taken on this responsibility for my mom I know what it might entail down the road and I have to consider the other people I am already responsible for, if more than one of you were needing me to carry out these responsibilities at the same time I know I wouldn’t be able to cover it all as well as you each deserve and my husband/families needs have to come first. I don’t want to take on something this important without being sure I could do it well so I really think you would be better served to chose someone else as your back up.”...

One thing I would do immediately is to contact the admins and ask them to eliminate the name of this friend.   By any chance, if she should see this message and realize how you feel, I think it would be very unfortunate.   Keep names and locations out of your posts, at least for this kind of request.

I think NotGoodEnough's suggestions were spot on, delicate but firm.

The inability to see her apartment, and apparently learn more about her lifestyle, is to me a troubling sign.

My advice is to say no. I was POA and Trustee of Trust for my brother. With him sane and cooperative it took a solid year to get things set up and there was always SOMETHING. Spectrum phone company ALONE kept me a good deal busier than I ever wanted to be. It is simple to say no. Just say that quite honestly it is difficult for you to manage your OWN stuff, and you feel incapable of handling that of another. Suggest that she see her Banker or her Attorney for the recommend of a paid Fiduciary who will do this for her. Please don't rope yourself into something like this just because you fear she will judge you. Sorry, but I couldn't do this is kind enough.

LaDivina1, I agree with the other writers, don't get involved. If Anita says that she doesn't have anybody to be her Power of Attorney, she really does.... she can have her Attorney be her Power of Attorney, or the Law Firm. Yes, it can be expensive, but sometimes we don't have choices.

You don't need to give her a lengthy explanation and don't sugar coat it because that will sound disingenuous. Something like "I've given considerable thought to being your backup POA and I'm sorry to say that for personal reasons, I won't be able to take on that responsibility." She'll get over feeling disappointed.

This happened to me recently as well. A friend, who I would classify as in between an acquaintance and a close friend, had ramped up the "love-bombing" to the point I was a little uncomfortable ("We're like two peas in a pod", etc..., when we're not). She lost her partner very recently due to longstanding illness and asked me to be her POA. I am already POA for my elderly mother and older DH, plus I am mother and DH's health care representatives, executor of mother's estate, and backup guardian (soon to be primary guardian) for my disabled brother, who currently lives with mother. In addition, we spend a good part of every year out of state anyway. So my plate of responsibilities is already quite full and I am not a good fit. I declined politely, and this friend has noticeably cooled off toward me and I am sure this is a big part of why. So this only makes me even more glad that I did what was suggested and followed my gut. A friend who only wants a relationship with you if you can serve them in some way is not really much of a friend.

First of all, follow your gut. You know that you would not be comfortable doing this. You have already decided that this isn’t something you would like to do.

Actually, you are more of an acquaintance than a close friend.

You have only had a casual friendship with this person.

All of us have casual friends and we do not have intimate bonds with them that we naturally form with our close friends.

Plus it is an unwanted responsibility for you to take on this task.

It’s difficult to accept this responsibility with people that we are close to, it would be worse with someone that we aren’t close with.

So politely decline by tactfully explaining that you simply aren’t willing to assume any legal position in her life.

How about: "While I am so flattered by your trust in me, I have some serious reservations about taking on this very big responsibility...especially since 1) we live quite a distance from each other and 2) our ages are close enough that I am very fearful of not physically being able to take on those responsibilities for you when the time comes that you might need someone else to take care of things."
My sister asked me some time ago if I would be the executrix of her estate when she passed; I asked her "you mean should your husband die before you?". She told me "no, he's not good at that kind of stuff." I told her I was not comfortable for the same reasons I listed above, and I wasn't willing to take on that job.
Good luck.