My husband and I (both mid-50s) moved back to the area where my parents have lived for over 50 years to make it easier to help them out; this was about a year ago. I am their only surviving child and their only family within 1,000 miles. I've been filing papers, organizing medications, driving them to doctor appointments, cleaning their house. They both insist they want to stay in their own home until they die.
My mom's mind has been going downhill for about five years. She repeats herself often, cannot remember simple facts or instructions for even 15 minutes, chokes/regurgitates on her pills and denies it to her doctor, eats lots of sweets and drinks sodas and will not follow doctor's instructions on insulin injections and taking care of the diabetes, continuously holds her mouth crookedly, refuses to wear clothes that fit her properly, finally agreed to wear Depends but still regularly makes messes with bowel movements, loses bills and hides candy & junk food mail orders from my dad, etc. My dad says he doesn't understand why she does what she does, gets frustrated and angry and confrontational with her, always wants me to go to her doctor appointments with her so I can tell the doctor all that's going on (which I do), and seems fine with me helping out as I have. We weathered 7 of his hospitalizations (for heart pains or pneumonia) since we moved back, and then about 3 weeks ago he fell and broke his hip. He had a partial replacement and then was in rehab for two weeks. I've checked into getting them in-home care, especially for dad as he tries to get around and do ordinary things. Money is not a problem for them. He absolutely refuses outside help, saying that Mom can take care of him. But she clearly cannot! He has not been getting up and moving around as ordered by his doctor, has not been taking the pain pills as he can, doesn't eat or drink much (though I, neighbors, and church members have brought in food), and does nothing but gripe and complain. I came down with bronchitis the day after he got home from the hospital, and I've not been to their house in a week due to fever and coughing.
I guess what I would like suggestions on is how to get him to face the reality of my mom's condition, his condition, and their need for professional help. If I do nothing more, until another crisis occurs and he or she is totally incapacitated, is that wrong? If I push really hard, they might shut me out completely. Any helpful advice?