How can I help my aging father who is an alcoholic and has both medical issues and serious mental issues?

Perhaps the place to start would be the care facility's social worker since he or she may have some experience with this issue and if not, hopefully would be able to refer you to someone who can advise you. You mentioned attorney - are you thinking about getting a restraining order?

An elder law attorney may need to be involved to set up a trust and see that bills are paid. The facility SW is a great idea - they could try to pull together a team meeting with you and dad and see if there are any specific concerns that could be addressed, which might settle him down, reassure him, or at least placate him by making him feel important. My mom's SW recommneded an elder law person they used a lot, but I found one by researching online a little more who definitely gave me more information and guidance than anyone else ever had, and the consultation charge was about $300.00 but some will do a shorter freebie/preliminary one first also. Bless you, its a tough situation.

Thank you - that is definately a start. We were oncerned that it would be costly to involce an attorney but it is good to know that they may just charge a consult fee. I will look into seeing if they have a SW at this location as well. I cannot thank you enough for your caring response!

Due to the holidays we have not been able to speak to anyone at the facility the mother is at. Christmas was a nightmare more than anyone could have imagined as his father typed up a letter to have my husband sign stating that "he feels his mother is adequetly ready to return home and he would like to see that her final day at the facility will be the end of December and we will be bringing her home next weekend" He harrassed my husband the entire visit about sighning this in front of other family members and out 9 year old. It became an out and out battle with everyione getting involved- horrible and beyond words.He said if my husband does not sign, he will do it anyway because in reality he can.I finally told him that that we will not be there to help him with this move or any arrangements he needs to make as it is not safe! He does not have adequete care for her and she will be in danger. She can easily fall- he cannot pick her up. There are oxygen cords all over the house from his oxygen tank that we all trip over. She also soils hersefl and has accidents several times a day and I told him he cannot yell at her and verbally abuse her. She can wander off out of the house and he would not know this. Finally I walked away and the rest of the relitives spoke to him while I took his mother andmy son to another part of the facility so they would not hear. We will contact the home today but all this is too much for us. We are just not capable of dealing with this anymore and are under so much stress it is physically making us both incapable of functioning. We havge no one to help us as aside rom his son (mothers step son) and his wife who are not helping due to thier own issues and selfishness, it is just my husband and I . We have a young son we need to care for and this is just ruining us. Please pray for this to work out for us an your continued thoughts and support are so greatly appreciated!

So sorry you are going through this...if it helps any, many facilities require longer notice of intent to transfer or discharge, and if there are no facility staff who can help you, and worst comes to worst, there is in most states an Adult Protective Services who could be conacted via hotline. POSSIBLY, there is a nursing home ombudsman who would know how to get to key facility people to get you more help and/or someone to lay down the law as "bad cop" that he could not take her home without being able to care for her safely - e.g. he would have to demonstrate that he could do her hygiene and remember her meds, etc. On the rehab unit we call this "rooming-in."

Here are 2 other contacts in case the social worker, for some inexplicable reason, is not available and she has nobody filling in for her temporarily. Ask to speak to the supervising nurse when you call the nurses' station. Explain briefly your concerns for your mother's safety and ask for her help by referring you to the appropriate person at the facility. Or call the CEO's office and speak with his or her executive assistant --- explain how concerned you are for your mother's safety and ask who you would need to talk to or what to do to keep her safe. Hang in there and keep on fighting the good fight.

Thank you so much- this is excellent information which we would not have known about. I will keep you posted!

All good suggestions already given. I would add: please get the support offered by Al-Anon - This is a self-help organization for friends and families of alcoholics. There are even special groups in most areas for children of alcoholics, but any Al-Anon group would welcome you. Do it for yourself and for your (non-alcoholic) family. It is not to help your father, but to help you to deal with the emotional stress of the situation. There are no dues or fees for participation in the group. Al-Anon literature is sold at cost and in itself can be a life-saver. As you learn to "detach with love" from your father's dis-ease, this will help you to find serenity and is also best for him, as you will no longer be giving attention/energy to his illness. God bless you and your entire family.