Where do my sister and I get help dealing with putting my Mom in a home?

Yes, Willow is entitled to his/her opinion, but it should not be presented as a One Size Fits All solution. That's not what this Forum is about; it's about supporting one another in what most people seem to be experiencing (myself included): a foggy, exhausting, frustrating and sometimes isolating season in our lives that seems too much for one person to bear. Some of us were sick before we took on this situation. Some of us had our relatives "dropped in our lap" b/c they had been kicked out of the last 3 relatives' homes. We feel bad enough on a DAILY basis, often not knowing WHAT the answers are; most days, it takes so much energy to take care of Mom that I have NO energy left to take care of me. THAT's what we're dealing with here, so please be kind. Thanks, and bless you all!

I haven't read all the responses, so someone may have already suggested this, but can you just call her on the phone? I know that people have suggested that you visit "from afar" so you can see for yourself, but if it's going to make it harder on EVERYONE for you to see her everyday, she may have 2b "weaned off" of you. I know that's what I'm going to have to deal with, b/c my Mom lives w/me and she depends on me for EVERYTHING. She even (proudly) tells people that. I know she's trying to pay me a compliment, but, in her case (Narcissist), it's usually a form of manipulation, unfortunately. Hang in there and check back here often for support. We all need it...

Change is hard whether it's moving to a NH or finding a new bra that fits.

I basically forced my mom to move from her home of 50+ years to IL a few years back. Lots of drama, she was walking around her bedroom twisting her hands saying you can't do this, sobbing & moaning while the movers are in the room shrink wrapping her furniture. The IL she moved to was great and she had already done a couple of "play-dates" so it was a good fit for her. The movers were ones the IL suggested and they had seen this all before. The driver said to "just make sure she doesn't try to get on or lay down on the lift" as apparently that had happened the week before for another move and the police had to be called. Social worker told us to stay away till Sunday when the residents usually had family visit, so I did, but called mom every morning. On day 3, called & phone just rang & rang, no answer, my fear & panic sets in; I called back and still no answer & I go into my emergency mode; called back again (I'm in my car rushing to the IL) & mom answered all out of breath and said that she couldn't talk as she was already on her way to get on the van as today they were going to Steinmart and got to go. Click. Yes, the move was a profound change & adjustment for her but also a real learning & adjustment for me too.

Just to add to other helpful posts here, there are often caregiver or "former" caregiver support groups that meet at the ALF or NH that can be helpful to you and sister as you recover emotionally. They could be extremely helpful in acknowledging your feelings and HAVE walked in your shoes so can be inspirational and reassuring to you thru all phases of moms stay. If NH doesn't have support group, consider starting one.

If you need help, speak to the Social Worker at the nursing home. He/she should be able to help you. If you feel you would do better in a group setting, ask the Social Worker for some references.

From what I have seen, a lot of SNFs are trying to look and feel a lot more like ALFs except maybe the rooms will have hospital beds...and actually you could probably get a hospital bed in your ALF too. They have blurred the lines quite a bit. My mom really did not see a difference when she had to go from an ALF to a SNF, she just thought it was a new place.

Honestly, in your case, I know she's already there, and it's a nursing home... But in the case of Assisted Living, and especially when it is a Small Home type place, there is no screaming at all in 5 years I've owned a home ALF in south Florida.
The thing is hospitals are scary and Big ALFs Feel like a hospital or nursing home. My dad died because he feared death Less than he feared a Nursing home and the doctor sort of 'consigned him to' that option. I didn't know then, that small family-friendly and Nurturing homes existed...
If the person is Physically better off, say they can at least Transfer with Assistance (our FL criteria for ALF versus Nursing home) they can go to ALF care and it can be in a house setting. Which is so much more Acceptable to the average elderly person, even with dementia, well, I'd say Especially that sort of person. Because they feel Safe, not Sick in a House - versus the institutional OMG I'm a Prisoner feeling and not knowing Where the heck your room is, among all the hallways and floors and rooms...
We don't Live in institutions so we don't Feel at Home in them. A house is different. And also, I Always tell prospective families to let us keep them for Daycare for a little while, even a week or two. They get to go home at night, be with their kids, until they feel Safe at our house, make friends, get to trust the caregivers a bit, and it's so much easier. I've had them Ask to move in and room with a new friend! God bless you all, I know it's not easy, but a great Small ALF can be your BFF, really a lifesaver.

PS, daughter has promised she will sort me one out that has FreeCell and an exemption from anti-smoking legislation, and then I'll be happy. Mind you I think I'll have to send her and her siblings off to the salt mines to pay for it.

When you are 50, you say "I would never put XXX in a nursing home" When you are 60, you worry about going to a nursing home. And when you are 70, you are beginning to ponder which one of you will have to go in a NH first. If you make it to 80, you want to go to a nursing home just for time off.

IsntEasy, my daughter tells me the reason you have to walk a mile in a person's shoes before you can say what you like is that then they're a whole mile away - AND you've got their shoes :) x

As the saying goes, you shouldn't judge someone unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. An even more apropos saying is "never say never."
If you have the financial luxury of not needing to earn a living, the physical ability to provide often back-breaking care, and the emotional reserves to withstand the isolation and frustration of caring for a needy and cognitively impaired person, then, by all means, provide the care alone.
But, don't judge those who need to or want to have help in caregiving, whether .
If you don't want to be judged as a martyr for your choice, don't judge others for the path they take.

I don't think anyone should take the liberty of telling anyone how to deal with a dementia patient such as my mother.She doesn't know the history for one!

Said softly - I'm always wary of saying "I would never..." anything. Strikes me as tempting Providence big time.

I'm having a bit of trouble with willows comment, perhaps because it carries a judgemental tone. Reality is that sometimes people are unable to provide 24/7 care in their homes for a variety of significant reasons. My dad used to say that you don't really know the other persons troubles, so be kind.

When your mother has bone marrow cancer and moderate dementia,it is very difficult to care for her,bones are easily broken.She has been mentally abusive her whole life.Undiagnosed mental issues.She is starting to adapt,they treat her very well.not all rest homes are bad.

I have a patient family situation right now where a custodial relative is of the mind set that they can and should do it all themselves - no formal therapy or preschool -and despite demonstrating correct techniques again and again does not quite get it. So the patient is not making the progress they should be making, and is even developing contractures. In that case, it is actually easier for the caregiver to do it all themself, very pleasant young patient, lots of fun to be with and care for, but easier is defintiely not better for the patient. Some of the stretching exercise has to be done the hard way for it to work, and doing it the easy way (not lazy - but being unable to grasp the difference between the easy way and right way) is going to cause grief down the road for sure, and not very far down the road at all.

Wiilow sounds just like my Aunt Murial; she cared for my Uncle Harold, with dementia, for many years, alone. She and my uncle moved away from family rather suddenly (we realize in retrospect). My cousins realized that their dad was forgetful and had lost most of his ability to speak, but it wasn't until they showed up unexpectedly once (to surpise their mom) that they saw the bruises she usually covered up with long sleeved tops in the Florida heat. He was beating her everyday to get the keys to the double and triple locked doors. They arranged for a geriatric care manager to assist her in finding good AL/Memory care for him. And as is often pointed out here, she died three years before he did; no one in the family has any doubt that her massive and fatal heart attack was brought on by the stress of caring for him. Just a brief cautionary tale about what denial can do. I'm sure Willow is real and just needing to be well defended in her decisions. Hugs to you all.

Yes, but "I would never" has an undertone of "I am a better person than you all." It is not always true that you can give better care yourself, sometimes because you can't physically do it, other times because the person you care for won't allow it, or will be more likely to demand and get care they do not need which will actually be harmful to them. And it is hard to realize that "I would never" can unexpectedly turn into "Now I have to" for any number of reasons as well.

I'm sure she's a real person though. Providing care yourself at home may work out wonderfully well. We have to realize most of us are on here because it was not wonderful in our situation, and comments with "I would never" in them trigger the guilt, usually false guilt, and the regrets we may have. I wish my Mom could have gotten a little home health and stayed home til the day she passed on, and I think that's what she wanted to, but I could not make that happen.

I think willows is entitled to her opinion. The fact is home care is what seniors want and is the best placement until needs are too great There is more support needed for families that want to go this route.

Kaywalls, maybe they can give a little Cogentin with that Haldol if it is otherwise helpful for psychosis. I had a hard time staying on top of my mom's meds too.

I'm not even sure willows is a real person. Maybe just a mythical being, all powerful and all knowing, or perhaps extremely wealthy, a Leona Helmsley who has "little people" to take care of things.

Why do people post things like "I would never" on posts where people have had to do the very thing that person would never do? Just keep that to yourself. How is that helpful?

Wow, this is exactly what my sister and I were talking about tonight. We know my dad will throw a tantrum, threaten and or scream and may want to walk out and we thought we would not know how to cope. And this thread is our answer.
Thank you, its good to know you're not alone.

Eyerishlass, I wish you both all the best and I am sure it'll get better with time.

I would never put my husband in a nursing home. The best of them are far less than satisfactory; they are all short-handed and nobody could care for him as I do. I think a caregiver should consider a nursing home only as a very last resort. Plus they are very expensive, and in order for Medicaid to pay for it, you have to be practically destitute.

Rockinronnie - It will take time to adjust with many ups and downs. If she has always been needy and selfish, she will mostly likely have resentment, etc. Hopefully, the mild sedative did help. After she is there a while, you will form relationships with the nurses, staff and this is most important. They should never be giving your mother any stronger meds without your knowledge or consent. The above story about hospital psychosis and strong meds are frightening. I found with my mother that a mild sedative helped her.

Just keep in mind that especially with certain types of personalities, they will never be happy. The nursing home my mother was in had many activities to take part in and functions on an on-going basis. It took her time to take part in all this. She was stubborn and even though the staff and I encouraged her; she did it in her own time. The social worker at my mother's NH was a great source of comfort and encouragement for me. I also was in contact with Elder Services and they helped me as well. This is extremely difficult; but you are doing what is best for your mother and to keep her safe. Hugs and take care.

Keep in mind that there is nothing that you can do. My mom is 95. I have to stay away from the NH, or she starts relying on me, instead of the staff. Your mom is not going to be happy, no matter where she is. You have to take care of you.

Is there someone else, besides you and your sister, that can check on your mom?
You know, your mom may have no concept of time. She may not know if you visited every day or every week.

Is it possible to check on your mom, from afar? Like taking a peek, while they are all in the dining room?

I've been a mess since yesterday afternoon,it's been 4 days since i've visited my mom in her new home.She has always been needy and selfish,they said they gave her a mild sedative,I'm really hoping this works.When I come home i'm emotional for days.if she hasn't adjusted what do I do?

Kay, you are talking about being in the hospital, not in a skilled nursing facility, yes? Yes, my mom has had hospital psychosis also (before she had dementia) so I know what you're talking about.

Forgive me for stating my experience. But I have to relate it and take it for what is worth. The head nurse advised me not to visit my mom for 2 weeks at least while in the pysche ward where dementia patients go. My mother had a simple UTI and she was well for her dementia. When I went to see her, I had to run to the bathroom and just cry, she is active and was sitting there drooling with the medicine I asked blatanly not to give her which is haldol. Medical strait jacket. Last time I went to ICU with my mom for another UTI I stayed there everyday and slept there. Hospital psychosis is real, and it should be touted as an illness such as seasonal depression disorder etc. When I stay with her or my daughter she ALWAYS bounces back. But again that is my opinion. Their suggestion may work for others, but you know your loved one best. Good Luck!

Give yourselves a breather and let your mom get settled. Call someone on staff everyday. Ask to talk to someone who will be there several days in a row so you can get a thorough report and gauge her progress.
With the commute you have to go see your mom, it's certainly understandable that you need to be practical about this. Go see her (and bring more of her things) once the staff person reports that she's settled in a little, then figure out a schedule of visits that will work for you and her.