How to help Dad accept he's not going home?

Another thing that I have done to keep the topic of going home at bay is to say that that's not something we can address right now and that we should spend our visits together focusing on other topics, like his activities, health, family, etc. Each time it would be repeated, I would be calm, but redirect the topic to something else. I would suggest we go for a walk or go to talk in the Family or tv room for a change of scenery. Time does help.

Probably making yourself scarce for a little while would be good for both of you. These round-and-round conversations are pointless, and like the others here have said, will probably be replaced with something else soon enough. Let him discover what that something else is, and give yourself a little time away.

Groovy I think dad has actually already accepted the fact that he is never going home and taking him for a visit would be a bad idea. When e says things like 'don't be surprised if you see me wheeling down the driveway" make a joke of it and say something like 'and how do you think you'r going to do that the bus stop is a mile down the road"

Every case is different, but my cousin was very set on going home from assisted living from the beginning. We described it as rehab, because she was getting physical therapy, meds, etc. In a couple of weeks she went from asking when she was going home to saying "IF" she ever goes home. Some days she never mentions going home. She knows she is safe and is never lonely in the AL. It's gradually making her feel more secure there.

I have found that the advice given is good advice. My father just passed in April 2014 from pancreatic cancer at the age of 83. I was his primary caregiver. Dad was strong and a fighter and didn't give up until he couldn't go any further. But, he refused to go out without a fight. Now I'm caring for my 82 year old Mom. She is quite the handful. Every ailment that she had seems to have amplified since Dad passed. She seems to be in the frame of mind that she should be allowed to have a constant pitty party and everybody should cater to her now. I'm trying not to consider a Nursing Home, but she wants me to sell my home and relocate to hers with my two young children, which is not an option for me. I am a single parent with two jobs and two young children (7 & 13). I've invited her to come and live with us, but she's insistent that she wants to stay in her own home. If she does, she'll have to live alone for as long as she can. I've run myself ragged for the past year up and down the highway sometimes 2 or 3 times a week and every weekend since June 2013. My life, as I knew it, has been non-existent and I'm really tired. So, my advice to you is to just continue to give your Dad time. Time heals all wounds. Try to make each visit a happy time with treats and things that he likes. He'll eventually come around. But as long as you know that he's being taken care of properly, that's all you should be concerned about. Stay strong and be blessed.

It was suggested to take Dad home for a day but when I asked him he said NO.
He knew he would not want to leave and it would be harder on him. My dads mind is totally there yet. He is struggling with all of this and is torn between the two because he knows that he is in a very nice nursing home. "It just isn't home." I have the same conversation with him everytime I see him and I try to change the subject as often as I can. He will say well may be I will go home next weekend or don't be surprised if you see me wheeling down the driveway. I just know that I cannot go back to taking care of him at home again. I am his last hope because he knows I am the only one who can make it all happen. Dad will be 90 years old in august. I hope he can find some way to accept this.

The standard advice seems to be no contact for the first month in a facility so the loved one can adapt to the new place. That means no phone calls either. You can talk to the staff to check on progress and visit when they advice. of course each case is different. The other thing about wanting to go home. For those closer to death it often means they are ready to die.

Never, ever let them go back while the house is being cleaned out. This was another mistake sis made. I told her it would be very distressing. It was. Months later, mom still complains about "all my things flying out the door. I never had a chance to sort through anything." She doesn't remember what she agreed to. She thought it would be rented with all her furniture in there.
Nobody wanted forty year old couches and fifty year old mattresses. Not even the junk pickers took stuff from the front of her house.

Just remember that when they say they want to go home, what they really want is to go back in time. They want their strength and independence again. In severe dementia, they want to return to a childhood home. More than one person has taken them back to their residence and they don't know where they are. Avoid the "just for a look" trips , because it backfires badly, they become obsessed and angry. Just don't do it. Sis took mom back, and mom got out of the car and wanted to throw the tenants out. Bad idea. Mom stayed angry for days.

I found out in March that being nice doesn't get the job done. Mother wanted to go passed her house and go in. She is in the NH. I was home from out of state. I said "OK." Then, I saw that she couldn't transfer herself from the bed, to the wheel chair. She fought them, when they made her walk and she can't stay awake 30 minutes. So, I had to say "No. I am not doing that."

I just hope I don't put my kid through this if and when I get there. It is very tough. I hate to say it, but I have been through both sides of the coin: ALZ & CANCER.... My dad's was easier than Mom's. They both suffered, but Mom is very mentally tough to watch...Please don't take offense to this, if anyone reads this. We were not meant to live forever, and ALZ gives us all the time to say goodbye, and we love you....and you keep saying it, and Mom doesn't understand what you are saying now.....My dad did up till the last breath...Take Care. Don't take it to heart. We all go through this. When you pop in to see Dad, give him treats, make it happy. Race him down the isle in his wheel chair. TAke him to the bingo room, if they have one, play bingo with him or other activities. Get him out of his room. Outside for a bit. Tell him he will have more friends here.

Is it a NH? Have you looked for a board and care? Small one story home with 6 residents and 2 caretakers? One thing I was told, don't go over very often, let him get adjusted first. Go once a week. After 2 years Mom still says GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME. She basically stopped talking, and thought, well this is it only a few more months now before she expires. Yesterday after the mikshake I gave her she said go home...Can;t win. She was happy with her milkshake It is tough. He may never accept it. Let him get settled in with their routine. Pop in only once a week. Adult day care in the area? Get him to go there.

Everyone had wonderful suggestions. I just wanted to add my support to the fact that you've done all you can. Time should help this situation. If he thinks you are wavering even a little he will keep pushing, so you need to stay strong and firm and tell him that he needs professional caregivers. Let him know that you love him and you will be is advocate but you cannot provide his physical care.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Carol

Thank You for all your responses. I will just hope he can find some peace of mind to help him through this. I know he is safe, warm. and comfortable and is in good hands at the NH. They are wonderful to him. Thank You again
Groovy1

"Dad, when you get stronger? You can come home. I can't take care of you until then." If you haven't tried that, it might be a help. It was for my mom when she was in the nursing home for 3 months; but everyone is different. Eyerish Lass is right. Ultimately, you can't make him accept his circumstances. Just MAYBE you can help him accept this as temporary. Try not to beat yourself up. There are many reasons we put a parent in a nursing home...to keep them safer than they would be at home...to get them the 24/7 care they need...we can't physically handle them anymore...we are tired beyond belief from doing the loving thing. You probably score four out of four. Talk to his doctor (or the head nurse at the home) about getting him on anti-depressants. That might help. Make sure the nursing home is getting him up in a wheelchair and dressed every day -- and is taking him to every single one of their activities -- even if he doesn't want to go -- even if he sleeps through them. At the end of the day, though, you have to find a way to compartmentalize what's going on with him right now. You deserve to be happy. Bring him an ice cream sundae when you come to see him . . . a donut now and then . . . a favorite side dish of his to eat with his lunch or dinner . . . If he doesn't seem to care? If it doesn't SEEM to bring him any joy? Don't believe it. It does.

I have learned that after a bit, maybe a month or so, whatever is important changes to something else. What drove him this month will not be an issue a month from now. I just watched my husband throw away his church envelopes. Usually he demands that I put money in them. Anything just so there was a bill in each one. If I put five ones in an envelope, he would tear it open and put a one in each of his envelopes. See, he doesn't know the value of money anymore. And now he doesn't care if he has envelopes for church. Once I took him to Mass and he didn't know what the host was for. I had to tell him three times to put it in his mouth. Finally I just put it in his mouth. Now he is getting diarrhea so much I am afraid to take him out of the house. So we missed church yesterday for the first time. He did not notice even though I told him it was Sunday. He just doesn't know what he is doing or understand the language. He has lost so much vocabulary. So I guess it depends on how far the disease has progressed. We are getting into the 9th year and he is really going down fast this year. It seems to be accelerating now. It is just so sad to see him go down this way.

We were in the same situation except my Dad has dementia, the angry kind. So while he threatened to hurt himself, he also threatened to hurt the nurses in the NH. Ugh!! It was ugly for a while then he just gave up. I tried the "you are not going home, Dad! There is no one to care for you and you can't walk anymore." That didn't work. I also tried the "ok, I'll talk to someone and see what we can do." And that didn't work. Eyerishlass is right. He will need to come to this on his own terms and you can't make that happen. It's sad, like warehousing, but we had no choice. I too and the only family member doing ANYTHING aND completely burned out. I still take care of my mother who live independently but not really. Doesn't drive and I do all for her as well. At least I know my Dad is getting the best care and is safe, which wouldn't be the case if he were home with around the clock care he can't afford. Completely bedridden and crazier than a bed bug. Where are my siblings??? Not here.....
So groovy1, you just keep doing what you're doing and stay groovy. ok?!

xo
-SS

You can't.

We can't make anyone accept anything. They either will or they won't. All you can do is be there for him as it dawns on him that he won't be going home again. You've done a good job as his caregiver, just try to give a little bit more until your dad is reconciled to the fact that he has to stay there.

It's ok to tell him that you can't care for him anymore, that he needs more care than you can provide and you want him to have that.

If he's in a wheelchair no one is going to call him a cab much less make sure he gets into one. But I understand his defiance. I saw my dad behave the same way at one point. The situation wasn't the same but the desperate threats were the same.

You're not responsible for making sure your dad accepts this new life. You can be supportive, be his cheerleader, help him adjust, but ultimately he will have to come to some kind of acceptance on his own, in his own way, in his own time.