How to help Dad accept he's not going home?

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My Dad wants to go home desperately. He is in a wheelchair and needs 24/7 care. He has threatend suicide many time out of deperation. It tears my heart apart but I cannot go back to getting him hime again. I kept him out of the nursing home for 2 years doing personal care and all the meds and scheduling when I cant be there. It is only me with no other family members help and I just cannot do that again. He is on MA and can get some services but not 24/7. I am burnt out and he just is so insistant. He is of sound mind and his own person so if he says to the nursing home call a cab they have to. Although they will call me first. How can I help him accept that he wont be going home?

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Everyone had wonderful suggestions. I just wanted to add my support to the fact that you've done all you can. Time should help this situation. If he thinks you are wavering even a little he will keep pushing, so you need to stay strong and firm and tell him that he needs professional caregivers. Let him know that you love him and you will be is advocate but you cannot provide his physical care.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Carol
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You can't.

We can't make anyone accept anything. They either will or they won't. All you can do is be there for him as it dawns on him that he won't be going home again. You've done a good job as his caregiver, just try to give a little bit more until your dad is reconciled to the fact that he has to stay there.

It's ok to tell him that you can't care for him anymore, that he needs more care than you can provide and you want him to have that.

If he's in a wheelchair no one is going to call him a cab much less make sure he gets into one. But I understand his defiance. I saw my dad behave the same way at one point. The situation wasn't the same but the desperate threats were the same.

You're not responsible for making sure your dad accepts this new life. You can be supportive, be his cheerleader, help him adjust, but ultimately he will have to come to some kind of acceptance on his own, in his own way, in his own time.
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Just remember that when they say they want to go home, what they really want is to go back in time. They want their strength and independence again. In severe dementia, they want to return to a childhood home. More than one person has taken them back to their residence and they don't know where they are. Avoid the "just for a look" trips , because it backfires badly, they become obsessed and angry. Just don't do it. Sis took mom back, and mom got out of the car and wanted to throw the tenants out. Bad idea. Mom stayed angry for days.
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Thank You for all your responses. I will just hope he can find some peace of mind to help him through this. I know he is safe, warm. and comfortable and is in good hands at the NH. They are wonderful to him. Thank You again
Groovy1
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We were in the same situation except my Dad has dementia, the angry kind. So while he threatened to hurt himself, he also threatened to hurt the nurses in the NH. Ugh!! It was ugly for a while then he just gave up. I tried the "you are not going home, Dad! There is no one to care for you and you can't walk anymore." That didn't work. I also tried the "ok, I'll talk to someone and see what we can do." And that didn't work. Eyerishlass is right. He will need to come to this on his own terms and you can't make that happen. It's sad, like warehousing, but we had no choice. I too and the only family member doing ANYTHING aND completely burned out. I still take care of my mother who live independently but not really. Doesn't drive and I do all for her as well. At least I know my Dad is getting the best care and is safe, which wouldn't be the case if he were home with around the clock care he can't afford. Completely bedridden and crazier than a bed bug. Where are my siblings??? Not here.....
So groovy1, you just keep doing what you're doing and stay groovy. ok?!

xo
-SS
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I have learned that after a bit, maybe a month or so, whatever is important changes to something else. What drove him this month will not be an issue a month from now. I just watched my husband throw away his church envelopes. Usually he demands that I put money in them. Anything just so there was a bill in each one. If I put five ones in an envelope, he would tear it open and put a one in each of his envelopes. See, he doesn't know the value of money anymore. And now he doesn't care if he has envelopes for church. Once I took him to Mass and he didn't know what the host was for. I had to tell him three times to put it in his mouth. Finally I just put it in his mouth. Now he is getting diarrhea so much I am afraid to take him out of the house. So we missed church yesterday for the first time. He did not notice even though I told him it was Sunday. He just doesn't know what he is doing or understand the language. He has lost so much vocabulary. So I guess it depends on how far the disease has progressed. We are getting into the 9th year and he is really going down fast this year. It seems to be accelerating now. It is just so sad to see him go down this way.
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"Dad, when you get stronger? You can come home. I can't take care of you until then." If you haven't tried that, it might be a help. It was for my mom when she was in the nursing home for 3 months; but everyone is different. Eyerish Lass is right. Ultimately, you can't make him accept his circumstances. Just MAYBE you can help him accept this as temporary. Try not to beat yourself up. There are many reasons we put a parent in a nursing home...to keep them safer than they would be at home...to get them the 24/7 care they need...we can't physically handle them anymore...we are tired beyond belief from doing the loving thing. You probably score four out of four. Talk to his doctor (or the head nurse at the home) about getting him on anti-depressants. That might help. Make sure the nursing home is getting him up in a wheelchair and dressed every day -- and is taking him to every single one of their activities -- even if he doesn't want to go -- even if he sleeps through them. At the end of the day, though, you have to find a way to compartmentalize what's going on with him right now. You deserve to be happy. Bring him an ice cream sundae when you come to see him . . . a donut now and then . . . a favorite side dish of his to eat with his lunch or dinner . . . If he doesn't seem to care? If it doesn't SEEM to bring him any joy? Don't believe it. It does.
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I found out in March that being nice doesn't get the job done. Mother wanted to go passed her house and go in. She is in the NH. I was home from out of state. I said "OK." Then, I saw that she couldn't transfer herself from the bed, to the wheel chair. She fought them, when they made her walk and she can't stay awake 30 minutes. So, I had to say "No. I am not doing that."
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Is it a NH? Have you looked for a board and care? Small one story home with 6 residents and 2 caretakers? One thing I was told, don't go over very often, let him get adjusted first. Go once a week. After 2 years Mom still says GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME. She basically stopped talking, and thought, well this is it only a few more months now before she expires. Yesterday after the mikshake I gave her she said go home...Can;t win. She was happy with her milkshake It is tough. He may never accept it. Let him get settled in with their routine. Pop in only once a week. Adult day care in the area? Get him to go there.
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I just hope I don't put my kid through this if and when I get there. It is very tough. I hate to say it, but I have been through both sides of the coin: ALZ & CANCER.... My dad's was easier than Mom's. They both suffered, but Mom is very mentally tough to watch...Please don't take offense to this, if anyone reads this. We were not meant to live forever, and ALZ gives us all the time to say goodbye, and we love you....and you keep saying it, and Mom doesn't understand what you are saying now.....My dad did up till the last breath...Take Care. Don't take it to heart. We all go through this. When you pop in to see Dad, give him treats, make it happy. Race him down the isle in his wheel chair. TAke him to the bingo room, if they have one, play bingo with him or other activities. Get him out of his room. Outside for a bit. Tell him he will have more friends here.
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