How can I help my client's daughter overcome stress about her mom?

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How can I help my clients daughter overcome her stress. I'm the one that takes care of her mother and also live with her. The only time I call the daughter is when her mom is anxious, worried, everything that goes with dementia. When she gets off the phone with her daughter she is better, but daughter is not. Phone calls are only once a day or occasionally I will call her with some concerns or items needed for the home. Her daughter again is talking about putting her in a nursing home because she feels ,mom will only get worse. I assure her that I can handle it, if and when I can't I would let her know. I deal with her combativeness on occasion and its been okay.

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Thank you everyone for your advice. I will give the email a try and give good reports and whatever else. I know the daughter trys very hard to be involved as much as she is able, she is 70 years old as her mom is 87. I do keep her involved in activities when I know she is getting into her mode, but sometimes I know she just wants to hear from someone other than me, LOL. Thanks again for everything and it does my heart good that there are people out there that care and give occassional compliments :)
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I agree--the daughter is not your client. Her stress levels are not your concern except as they may interfere with your care of her mom. If daughter gets wound up when you call (when your client wants to talk to her) try redirecting the mom, get her interested in something else, promising her that you'll call the daughter later. Then pick a time when mom is calmer and suggest she call the daughter just to say 'hi'. While the daughter is not your client and her stress level is not your job, if mom wants to call the daughter when the mom is anxious try to relieve the anxiety first and then call. Mom calling daughter when mom is anxious doesn't serve anyone (unless the call calms the mom down). But if it does calm the mom down try to find something else that will relieve her anxiety. If mom is anxious and talks to the daughter and the daughter then gets anxious this helps no one. Whether the daughter puts her mom in a nursing home is her decision. When you do talk to the daughter tell her positive things like Mishka suggested. Mom enjoyed her breakfast this morning or we sat outside and watched all the birds today, etc.

Mom being anxious and wanting to talk to the daughter who then gets anxious herself and then there's you who is concerned about the daughter's stress level....Break this cycle.

I think Mom is in good hands with you. Look at this as a challenge, a gift you can give the daughter: the gift of a stress-free discussion with her mom.

Daughter is going to be anxious, you can't change that. But I'll bet you can find another time of day when mom is more at peace. My dad was in a nursing home and the stress of that, of advocating on his behalf, caused me to lose over 20 lbs. I'm not complaining about the weight loss but it's a symbol of how stressful that situation was. My dad would call me at 11pm and ask me where his pants were, etc. The stress about killed me. There's going to be stress on the daughter's end but it's up to her to find ways to cope. You can do what you can from the mom's end, finding other times to call and that type of thing, but ultimately you can't do anything about the daughter's stress. I think you are very good at your job because you care about the family but the daughter is not your patient, the mom is.
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Good points, sunflo2, IMO. :0)
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Yes, on # 4 of jeannegibbs post!!! For sure.
If you do decide to start sending an email each night be sure to tell the daughter that she does not need to email back. It is just an email letting her know what the day was like and for no other purpose.
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Not a judgement, just a different perspective...the daughter may feel that since her mom gets anxious and you call her to describe this issue or she needs to talk to her mom to call her that you aren't able to handle her as well as you used to or things (dementia) is worsening. This could make daughter think its time for her mom to move to care facility. She may also think that if her mom is in a care facility she won't have to deal with the daily calls or crisis. I know this sounds callous but I've been thru similar when I hired in home care and they would call frequently with issues that I thought they should be handling. It was added stress for me because I live long distance and couldn't supervise from afar to understand whole situation. Some calls would occur when I was at work or in meetings and this made it even more stressful.

I would agree with the good and bad reports by email. Have a conversation with daughter and ask her what she prefers and what things she would like contacted about and how often.

I don't know situation, but just wanted to offer another perspective.
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1) You are doing fine!
2) I really like MishkaM's advice for a daily report, with good and bad.
3) You are not responsible for the daughter's stress levels.
4) Anything you can do to give daughter peace of mind without increasing your own burden would be lovely of you!
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Have you tried calling the daughter to talk during a nonstress time to discuss her mom's care? Approach her with compassion and understanding suggesting that she call her mother every other evening to talk with her because it helps to keep her calm. Does the daughter live nearby and is involved in her mother's care on any level? Is the daughter's stressed because she can't handle the situation with her mother or does she just not want to be involved?
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Hi campbelllee, Do you email with the daughter at all? I would suggest you email with her. At the end of each day send her a little email about the day. For example:
Dear daughter
Your Mom had a good day today. She ate well. We played cards today. She watched her favorite show on TV (name of show). She and I went shopping and bought blah blah blah.
Mom did have some trouble with the seat belt but we were fine. If you have any suggestions about the seat belt issue let me know.
She was so funny --she said " blah blah blah". Tonight is her bath night. She is nice and clean. Now she is sleeping.
Have a good night,
Campbelllee

I would include things that were good about the day. I have a daughter with special needs and she has had a rough year. The school writes home every school day and tells me about her day. But they got into a habit of only telling me the bad things that happened-and there were plenty to tell BUT I knew there had to be some good times. I asked them to tell me both good and bad as it is overwhelming --and not fair to my daughter-to hear just the bad. Now I get a general overview of the day--with good and bad.

If the daughter is only getting phone calls when Mom is worried and distressed it may seem , to her, that things are worse than they truly are. That is why I think a short email about the day would help you and her. But still call when you need to.

That is what I would do. Just a suggestion for ya! You sound like a very caring caregiver!!!! God bless you for all you do!!!!!!
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You are already taking care of her Mother, that should be enough. The daughter cannot handle one phone call a day? Please. It's not your job to help her overcome anything unless you are a therapist making a fortune to listen to her bs. Lol. Just kidding.
Your job is to handle her Mother and when she wants to call her daughter, tell her she is unavailable and what would she like to talk about. Are you saying that your client is 'combative'? I think she got it from her daughter.
You are doing fine, but it's the daughter's call if she wants to place her Mother. We never know how much stress families have. Just do your best:) xo
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