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Yes and twice the Apostle Paul used what I call his 'American Express Card of that day" twice to protect himself, i.e. his Roman citizenship which he had because of where he was born. Also, he was not shy about noting dangerous people like whatever his name was the copper smith that caused him much harm. These books and more have I shared with my SIL to help her deal with her mother.
Crowe, thanks for giving us that list of books----It is so helpful. To expand on something Emjo was talking about before, about being Christian and also loving others as we love ourselves, and setting the necessary limits.....Jesus set limits---Remember when he would stop healing people because he needed to rest, and then he would go off into the hills to get away and rest?
There are also two books specifially on how people with personality disorders use religious masks to hide within churches.
Oates, Wayne E. Behind the Masks: Personality Disorders in Religious Behavior. Louisville: Westminster, 1987. Review.
Pate, C. Marvin, and Sheryl L. Pate. Behind the Masks: Personality Disorders in the Church. Nashville: Broadman & Holman,
Some of my favorite books on the whole subject of BPD and Narcissism include the following:
Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. NY: Harper-Collins Publishers, 1997.
Kreger, Randi. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells
Lawson, Christine Ann, Ph.D. and Jason Aronson. Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
Melville, Lynn. Breaking Free From Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked From Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships
Porr, Valerie. Marsha M Linehan (forward), When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Repair the Relationship
Roth, Kimberlee and Freda B. Friedman. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust
Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas: Caring about Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Finding a Healthy You
Narcissism
Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publishers, Inc., 2001.
Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, Robert M. Pressman. The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. San Francisco: Josey-Bass Publishers, 1997.
I agree with everything you are saying. Mother is still capable of looking after much of of her own business - like finances - so I don't think that a PG is a possibility. Her church has tried to help but not been very successful, One lady who tried is now an "enemy" - and so it goes. It is hard to resist the sucking in but so necessary for our health. One has to totally give up the hope that every healthy person has for a normal relationship with their parents and accept the realities of the situation. I have been alerting people as well about the BPD and you are right - they cannot stay hidden for long. Those who have not known or grown up with a BPD don't understand initially, but usually they find out. I am going to look into what is available in terms of someone else to take over these duties - as it is becoming too hard on me. Is there anyone in Canada reading this who has any ideas? I guess my best bet is to contact a social services agency in her city and go from there.
Yes, distance...emotional. I took the brunt of some emotional abuse, because I was asked to step in and help. Sure! I thought. But it was also my regression into mom's world of anger and control, from which I'd escaped long ago. Didn't realize what was happening, as I was getting sucked back in. And I was not prepared. Once I had many escape routes, but as guardian, I just had to do certain things. Now, it's no longer my responsibility. I just need to look out for my dad's best interests, and protect him from her. Fortunately, she doesn't spend too much time there, so our contact is very limited. And there are lots of eyes watching...which is very needful. I need to alert everyone about her, because she can pass as almost "normal" sometimes...until something doesn't go her way. And that's inevitable. Already some have figured it out. Personality Disorders can't stay hidden for long, but most people just don't get that close. It's the ones who do that need to stay on their toes and be mindful of their tricks and personal agenda (self, self, self). We just don't live in that world, which is why we are the caregiver. Still, they are difficult to deal with at any level, in my experience.
Repetition seems to be part of this - you hear about things again and again - going back years sometimes. Recently I said that I don't want to hear about "such and such" any more and so far so good, Control is a big issue - and being "center of the universe" - attention getting all the time. As you said SS - the more you do for them the more demanding they get. I have read that some get better in time and mellow out. It hasn't happened to my mother.
distance is necessary - physical if possible, but emotional distance in any case
When I started to read up about NPD they stated this over and over and over. NO CONTACT. They stated the only way you can get on with your life with NPD's in it was NO CONTACT, cause they drag you down. Well doing the caregiving part you cannot do that anymore. I don't know if those folks came back around to caregive or just sent them off to Nursing Homes. My mom is not as bad as that anymore Thank the Heavens! She just now has her own story constantly revolving around her..and her constipation...which is driving me stark raving mad..every day the same droning subject...and I don't feel good and it's a bad day and I still can't go...geezus just everything negative...well she was always a negative person.
Wow, PirateGal, you've been through so much with them. Sounds like your dad did, too. I understand the sorting out of things, which is quite the process, as I only learned of my mom's Personality Disorder last year, as well.
We had an interesting encounter today. I was at the dad's nursing home visiting him, when my mom showed up with two other women. She walked right past me, not speaking, and kissed my dad. She tried to get him to move and sit with them, from where he was seated next to me. He didn't, but motioned to me. Then a woman with mom went up to the Nurse Aide, and asked her to move my dad to sit with them. She talked to my dad, but either he didn't want to, or didn't understand (not sure which with his Alzheimer's.) Since he didn't move, my mom tried asking him to move again. I told her that if he wanted to, he would. She walked off in a huff, saying, "I'm leaving then..." dragging the other two women with her. Here we were sitting at a party, having ice cream, and watching a movie, and she was making such a scene. That's Personality Disorder for you. She sure didn't like it that he wanted to stay seated next to me. It's like I have the Dad I never had during my growing years. She just wants to fight, even over him, because she wants to control everything. She despises me that I withstand her. It's not comfortable, but I don't like her attitude or actions. I especially don't like the way she treats me. Fortunately, I rarely ever have to see her. Distance is the sweetest thing I have with my mother these days. And the closeness I have with my dad, one of my great treasures.
...oh and about outbursts...hmmm my mom had some good ones going on still at 81...screaming obscenties to the neighbors houses late at night while watering the front lawn....crazy...at 81. She has not done anything recently. The last outburst was last year around August shortly after she had 5150'd. The psych meds I think slowly started to help...only thing she has the meds now..but she is not good at taking them religously each day...the new caregiver I need to instruct to make her take at least her morning ones which is at least one of each of her med's either for body or mind. I am glad the crazy rants affecting neighbors has stopped I bet they are glad as well. The neighbor down the street that had lived there longer than my parents told me last year that there were so many occasions my mom caused trouble on the block. Even my dad told me before he died "You don't know how many times the police have been here"...and I turned and said to him..."and why did you not do anything" ...and he said" how could I she did not want to go to the doctor"(cause you know there is nothing ever wrong with them..they are always right...everyone else is wrong..or out to get them)..."I told him well you should have made her go somehow".
Yep Crow and Gray your are right on on how this type of disorder works. My mom follows suit. I found out about NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder) only last year. When I found it I read everything I could on it online. I read a ton of blogs of folks who had this type of parent. It was very interesting there were different type of cuts of NPD but one thing was the same they want control of the entire situation and that includes you. And when they don't get it they lash out. They are intelligent they know how to wield their craft. My dad I believe bought it line hook and sinker. He did not try to get her help at all, just withstood it. I told my mom I am not like him and I won't tolerate it..and then she looks at me like "what are you talking about"..deep down I know she knows. She's not very intelligent either and also has street smarts. She can calculate figures in her head like you won't believe and I need a calcualtor...lol. She molded me from childhood to be afraid of her...but when I got around 19-20 the funy thing is it changed I was now afraid of dad and not mom. He then had always something against me. I am still working out those issues as it took me 11 years of reflections.."what was up with him". He I think took his weak anger out on me, I was never good enough for this and that and do I think I was smarter than him...I never could understand it. My father I always loved more than my mom when I was a kid then changed into a horrible beast. I was growing up and not a kid to mold anymore. I had thoughts and feelings, well neither one of them was good at recognizing me as a growing adult and never ever respected me and always treated me a like a child...well those tables are turning.....
Thanks grayod. These are helpful phrases. I know it is my choice and so far I choose to help her. She does want and even has repeated recently - to my amazement - that she appreciates my help. The overt abuse recently has been minimal but the continued demands for help and for attention have increased. I find I have to takes breaks periodically and concentrate on other things on my life. At those times I simply don't communicate with her at all for a while. She is highly intelligent, as you say, and manipulative. I agree it is up to me to manage my interaction with her - which I do - but not perfectly, hence my presence here looking for tips. I appreciate your input.
Thanks Anne. I wrestled with this very topic for years and eventually recognized that though Jesus said to turn the other cheek - He did not instruct us to be doormats. We are to love others as we love ourselves - not more and not less. We each are given a life to live and if we get "hoovered in" we allow others to control our lives and that certainly is not scriptural nor emotionally healthy. Thanks for the book title.
Regarding Crowe's most recent post about BPD stuff going on in Christian circles.....There is a great book written on this very subject----about evil ( "foolish") manipulation going on in the Christian church, and the book is called "Foolproofing Your Life" by Jan Silvious. This book helps to train people to spot when a person is a "fool", as described in the Book of Proverbs, and that in these cases it is good and righteous to not cater to them. ( ie- not be hoovered in)
To emjo, PG = public guardian. I was my mom's guardian, but now she has a court-appointed one. And I am free from her abusive. And she was very abusive. If I didn't do exactly what she wanted, she called the police on me. The new PG just gives her what she wants...feeding the momster. I am free to live my life, enjoy being wife and mother again. It is like a breath of fresh air after the oppression and unrealistic demands of my horrid mother. She was never nice, but I encountered evil at her hand for the last couple of years. We were bound, but now we're free. Just wish she didn't live in my once-peaceful small little town. One day she won't. Don't mean to sound ugly, but it's hard to have a normal healthy relationship with an angry cactus, and the nicer we treated her, the worse she got. We just look after our two dads instead, who smile every time they see us. Life is OK now, (though we still hate Alzheimer's and dementia).
A person like that also has the incredible ability to totally blow you away over some irrational, but then turn around forget what they just did (well they were out of their head) and then be so sluripy nice it is downright sickening.
There are only two types of men who stayed married to someone who has borderline personlaity disorder. 1. The passive dependent but obedient mamma's boy. 2. The man who sets boundaries and follows through with consequences which actually gets her attention which then leads her to get help, go to therapy, participate in DBT and acutally use those tools to handle their emotional dissregulation; and stay on those medications along with remaining in therapy for the rest of their life.On top of that the man gets therapy also and if their are any children they get therapy. Some borderlines are particularly attracted to strong Christian men who they are sure will take care of them, are probably strong enough to take their crap, and oh they are Christians, thus they are to be very forgiving, patient, selfless, thinking of others more than themselves for Jesus taught take up your cross, deny yourself and loose your life for my sake and I can use the Bible to keep them under my control.
Sound stupid? Nope because I think this is very similar to the control games elderly parents with personalitiy disorders who've masked their disorders in the church have done or are doing to their adult children who are probably genuine Christians and can't see through the abuse taking place in the name of Christ under a very sick application of dying to self and loosing your life or have no greater love than to lay down your life for another which destroys the adult child's marriage, their relationships with their children, kills their friendships and ruins their career, health, finances, etc. Such, is a sick miuse of religion by people with sick personality disorders.
Very interesting...she certainly can go off in a rage that seems to be unfounded to us. From 0 to 1000mpg in 1.2 seconds and just blind sides us. NEVER have I known anyone that could yell as loud. Your comment that "not always accurate nor in touch with reality" makes sense to me. There usually seems to be a small thread of truth but WAY overblown. Her ex husband once told her that they might still be together if she weren't so mean...interesting.... WOW
Both borderline personality disorder and being passive-aggressive are found together.
Talk about "street smart and reads people very well...she knows how to work it and manipulate to get what she wants." Since people with BPD go by impulses and perceptions more than rational thinking it's very similar to street smarts or it's the disorder that some people with street smarts have. However, their impulses and perceptions are not always accurate nor in touch with reality when they suddenly go into one of their rages after which they will often deny they were that mean. We used to just call people with BPD mean before we had a diagnosis for it.
Man...I never thought about a boardline personality..but alot of this discribes my Mother. She is not highly intelligent...but she IS what I call street smart and reads people very well...she knows how to work it and manipulate to get what she wants. She thinks by complaining I will do what she wants. She complains about different things, but I have learned to ignore her for my own sanity and just go about my business.Her grandson..my son told me that she is passive aggressive...yep!! Hummm...boarderline personality...I'm going to read more about THIS.
Hi -- Here are a couple of useful phrases -- they all use the technique of setting limits with others. Borderlines benefit most when they have strict limits set for them. And their targets for abuse (you, the caregiver) need to know what your own limits are and what you expect from your abuser. So here are the phrases:
This is not an emergency. I am working on your other issue/emergency/request and you will have to wait until I have time. Or, which emergency do you want to address first? If you want me to help you, (name your limit) is what I can realistically do for you. If you want me to help you, then I need (name what it is you expect from them -- respect, appreciation, keeping their criticisms to themselves). It (name the issue) is your choice (name it).
Back to you, the caregiver: It is also *your* choice whether or not to help her. If she doesn't want your help, or doesn't appreciate it, or abuses you, hand her the phone number for senior services in the area, or help her make the call. Then you can walk away in good conscience. It will be her choice whether or not to accept those services. Most of all, when you feel overwhelmed, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY. Read over the above tips. She is not your emergency. BP's are highly intelligent and extremely manipulative. They know how to work you and it's up to you to manage them, and therefore yourself, better. So be prepared to suggest that they call their doctor, their social service worker, their spiritual advisor, or whoever is the proper person who can handle their issue. Good luck!
Thanks SS. By a PG do you mean a guardian of some kind? If so it sounds great.- I never heard of anyone having one here in Canada. I gave up answering "those" phone calls many years ago - with no guilt - and read Scott Peck many years ago too. .I will look for "Stop Walking on Eggshells", In therapy, also many years ago, the message about protecting myself came through loud and clear, However, it takes ongong work., especially now as she ages. I wish I could walk away but there is no one else to look after my mother, The recent formal diagnosis helped to a degree, but she is so very needy these days as some dementia creeps into the mix and the paranoia and confusion increase. There was an incident of a staff member, where she is now, acting inappropriately (raising her voice) and this has escalated. She has only been there since November and insists in moving to another place.for that and other reasons. I have agreed as there have been some food issues which have affected her health (she has food sensitivities). I have told her I will arrange this move but i will not move her again unless to a hospital long term care. She is so physically fit presently she does not qualify for that kind of care. I know within a couple of months there will be troubles at the new place, but there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know how anyone without faith deals with these trials. Maintaining one's peace is so important and I lost mine for a whie recently, Getting it back now, thankfully!
I was drowning with my mom, in way over my head, and didn't know it. She did everything she could think to sabotage everything, and almost did, but God cast out the scorner. She is still quite destructive, but I can't help that! Now, she has a new PG, and that is working toward restoring my mental health. The anxiety I had is lessening. Thank God! I have chosen to walk away, since someone else is in charge. Much as I'd like to stay engaged, it is not in my best interest to do so. Ever heard the book "People of the Lie," by M.Scott Peck? Wow! And I highly recommend the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book as well. HIGHLY! It changed my understanding of mom's mental illness, and how it was affecting me and my family. Now, I just not take those phone calls. We are starting to have a life again, and instead of being hostages, we are becoming free, as we used to be. Dad's Alzheimer's doesn't bother me near as bad as mom's NPD/BPD/OCD/GAD/COPD/etc. They, and she were assassinating me gradually. Now I can almost breathe. I remember somebody on here telling me to RUN! Run! Run! Too bad I didn't know to listen, but God was, and he helped me. Setting boundaries is the thing they hate the worst. I did and caused all kinds of grief to myself. But, it was also absolutely a necessity, and the only way to go! Wish I'd learned that sooner. Most importantly, take care of yourself!!!
Thanks Crowe - haven't read that book but have read others - think I have given up walking on eggshells/ I am finding the more honest I am the better it works, I previously joined BPDcentral - I diagnosed her unofficially years ago, Therapists here come and go - currently haven't found a good one, I see you understand through personal experience the difficulties this disorder brings to a family. Thanks for emphasizing the self -care. I have just had to step back and focus on that again. I have had to re-examine my role and boundaries as my mother becomes more and more difficult but also more needing of help.The four points are well taken. Generally I take pretty good care of myself but things got out of hand recently -had to pull the plug and regroup. Do we ever strike the right balance for long?
1. Buy the book and the workbook, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
2. Visit BPD Resource Center and join one of their support groups. http://bpdresourcecenter.org/
3. Get a therapist who is knowledgable about BPD who can help you in carring for your parent.
My MIL is an undiagnosed BPD and my mother has undiagnosed Narcissitic Personality Disorder. There are others in my family, but I don't feel like identifying them currently.
Self-care, therapy, boundaries, not getting hoovered into their F.O.G, i.e. Fear Obligation and Guilt by which they pull you into the Land of OZ.
And if your forget everything else, remember these four things and get them down deep into the core of your being.
1. You did not cause their personality disorder!
2. You cannot control their personality disorder!
3. You can't fix their personality disorder!
4. What you can do is chose a health path for yourself, make sure the parent with the BPD is taken care of and safe. Come to the conclusion that if they choose to get on a healthier path, then good, but if not then stay on your healthy path because that is good also.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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To expand on something Emjo was talking about before, about being Christian and also loving others as we love ourselves, and setting the necessary limits.....Jesus set limits---Remember when he would stop healing people because he needed to rest, and then he would go off into the hills to get away and rest?
The book you mentioned sounds very interesting.
There are also two books specifially on how people with personality disorders use religious masks to hide within churches.
Oates, Wayne E. Behind the Masks: Personality Disorders in Religious Behavior. Louisville: Westminster, 1987. Review.
Pate, C. Marvin, and Sheryl L. Pate. Behind the Masks: Personality
Disorders in the Church. Nashville: Broadman & Holman,
Some of my favorite books on the whole subject of BPD and Narcissism include the following:
Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your
Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.
NY: Harper-Collins Publishers, 1997.
Kreger, Randi. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells
Lawson, Christine Ann, Ph.D. and Jason Aronson. Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
Melville, Lynn. Breaking Free From Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked From Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships
Porr, Valerie. Marsha M Linehan (forward), When Someone You
Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Repair the Relationship
Roth, Kimberlee and Freda B. Friedman. Surviving a Borderline
Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust
Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas: Caring about Someone
with Borderline Personality Disorder and Finding a Healthy You
Narcissism
Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publishers, Inc., 2001.
Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, Robert M. Pressman. The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. San Francisco: Josey-Bass Publishers, 1997.
Control is a big issue - and being "center of the universe" - attention getting all the time. As you said SS - the more you do for them the more demanding they get.
I have read that some get better in time and mellow out. It hasn't happened to my mother.
distance is necessary - physical if possible, but emotional distance in any case
Secretsister -
We had an interesting encounter today. I was at the dad's nursing home visiting him, when my mom showed up with two other women. She walked right past me, not speaking, and kissed my dad. She tried to get him to move and sit with them, from where he was seated next to me. He didn't, but motioned to me. Then a woman with mom went up to the Nurse Aide, and asked her to move my dad to sit with them. She talked to my dad, but either he didn't want to, or didn't understand (not sure which with his Alzheimer's.) Since he didn't move, my mom tried asking him to move again. I told her that if he wanted to, he would. She walked off in a huff, saying, "I'm leaving then..." dragging the other two women with her. Here we were sitting at a party, having ice cream, and watching a movie, and she was making such a scene. That's Personality Disorder for you. She sure didn't like it that he wanted to stay seated next to me. It's like I have the Dad I never had during my growing years. She just wants to fight, even over him, because she wants to control everything. She despises me that I withstand her. It's not comfortable, but I don't like her attitude or actions. I especially don't like the way she treats me. Fortunately, I rarely ever have to see her. Distance is the sweetest thing I have with my mother these days. And the closeness I have with my dad, one of my great treasures.
There are only two types of men who stayed married to someone who has borderline personlaity disorder. 1. The passive dependent but obedient mamma's boy. 2. The man who sets boundaries and follows through with consequences which actually gets her attention which then leads her to get help, go to therapy, participate in DBT and acutally use those tools to handle their emotional dissregulation; and stay on those medications along with remaining in therapy for the rest of their life.On top of that the man gets therapy also and if their are any children they get therapy. Some borderlines are particularly attracted to strong Christian men who they are sure will take care of them, are probably strong enough to take their crap, and oh they are Christians, thus they are to be very forgiving, patient, selfless, thinking of others more than themselves for Jesus taught take up your cross, deny yourself and loose your life for my sake and I can use the Bible to keep them under my control.
Sound stupid? Nope because I think this is very similar to the control games elderly parents with personalitiy disorders who've masked their disorders in the church have done or are doing to their adult children who are probably genuine Christians and can't see through the abuse taking place in the name of Christ under a very sick application of dying to self and loosing your life or have no greater love than to lay down your life for another which destroys the adult child's marriage, their relationships with their children, kills their friendships and ruins their career, health, finances, etc. Such, is a sick miuse of religion by people with sick personality disorders.
Talk about "street smart and reads people very well...she knows how to work it and manipulate to get what she wants." Since people with BPD go by impulses and perceptions more than rational thinking it's very similar to street smarts or it's the disorder that some people with street smarts have. However, their impulses and perceptions are not always accurate nor in touch with reality when they suddenly go into one of their rages after which they will often deny they were that mean. We used to just call people with BPD mean before we had a diagnosis for it.
This is not an emergency. I am working on your other issue/emergency/request and you will have to wait until I have time. Or, which emergency do you want to address first?
If you want me to help you, (name your limit) is what I can realistically do for you.
If you want me to help you, then I need (name what it is you expect from them -- respect, appreciation, keeping their criticisms to themselves).
It (name the issue) is your choice (name it).
Back to you, the caregiver: It is also *your* choice whether or not to help her. If she doesn't want your help, or doesn't appreciate it, or abuses you, hand her the phone number for senior services in the area, or help her make the call. Then you can walk away in good conscience. It will be her choice whether or not to accept those services. Most of all, when you feel overwhelmed, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY. Read over the above tips. She is not your emergency. BP's are highly intelligent and extremely manipulative. They know how to work you and it's up to you to manage them, and therefore yourself, better. So be prepared to suggest that they call their doctor, their social service worker, their spiritual advisor, or whoever is the proper person who can handle their issue. Good luck!
2. Visit BPD Resource Center and join one of their support groups.
http://bpdresourcecenter.org/
3. Get a therapist who is knowledgable about BPD who can help you in carring for your parent.
My MIL is an undiagnosed BPD and my mother has undiagnosed Narcissitic Personality Disorder. There are others in my family, but I don't feel like identifying them currently.
Self-care, therapy, boundaries, not getting hoovered into their F.O.G, i.e. Fear Obligation and Guilt by which they pull you into the Land of OZ.
And if your forget everything else, remember these four things and get them down deep into the core of your being.
1. You did not cause their personality disorder!
2. You cannot control their personality disorder!
3. You can't fix their personality disorder!
4. What you can do is chose a health path for yourself, make sure the parent with the BPD is taken care of and safe. Come to the conclusion that if they choose to get on a healthier path, then good, but if not then stay on your healthy path because that is good also.