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Sell the house and be sure you don't bring her to the new place. Notify APS that you are not taking her with you. Notify her MD too. Surrender her to the custody of the state. They will medicate her behavior and confine her when she is in attack mode. She needs that kind of discipline, she will understand clear rules if she knows there are consequences. It is what she needs.
My mom has very emotionally abusive for years. Only as an adult did I realize she was borderline and how much of her behaviour was crippling and abusive. I have been caring for her emotional, financial and many other needs since I was a young child and if I tried to have any life of my own was met w typical abuse and manipulation. I have moved far away from her 3 times in last twenty years-giving her money to pay her rent ( she never found a job that was up to CEO level she felt she deserved) and each time she ended up evicted and homeless fighting w those around her. So for last fifteen years she has been w me after last eviction-destroying the house, controlling me and emotionally sucking the life out. I am trying to get the house ready for sale as I am getting married and she is blocking any progress w horrible hoarding, letting her dog pee in the house and being extra messy in the kitchen. And very day she is accusing me and my fiance of horrible things and I feel the life draining out of me. Someone please help.
Dear Austin and Emjo, Thank you so much for your kind words. In this city, NPD and BPD seem to be top-secret disorders. A few lovely people believe me and are supportive, but many others have verbally attacked me and vilified me for daring to speak ill of my "dear sweet" mother. So, my NPD mother has managed to cut me off from many to cut me off from many, many people. Her family , as well as my father’s, top the list. She even got them to not invite me to a big family wedding. Although she had managed this trick with certain family friends, I was really stunned when the closest relatives I had, made sure I wasn’t invited. My mother was especially gleeful to ride to the wedding with some of my neighbors who were also invited. Looks like they’re really invested in being nasty because the neighbor told me last week that the bride, my cousin, is pregnant. Family is the f-word in my life and I do not consider them relatives anymore. Some of them coach her on how to be nasty to me. They are trying to teach the master. I can tell because she has never been creative before. How do you get someone placed when her family chooses to ignore all of the signs, and the so-called professional community chooses not to recognize the disorder?
There is good news , more crazy stories, and a request for ideas coming soon. Please stay tuned. I plan to get back tomorrow. It's way too late and I must sleep.
As usuall Emjo gave a very wise answer-you should not be expected to handle this out of bounds person -she sounds like a nut case -I do not mean to be cruel but she really needs to be placed ASAP.
"of having to process and handle all of the stress..."
((((((((((((((((((hopefully))))))))))))))) I sure understand about the enegy it takes to process all the garbage. It sounds like you are in a very abusive situation. Have you any thoughts yet about placing your mum somewhere? Forgive me if we have talked about this already. I am glad you have a counsellor and a cat. Both can be great friends. let us know how you are.
Dear Everyone. Thank you so much for your heartfelt responses and words of wisdom. I apologize for not responding more quickly-thought I’d placed my question in the wrong area, and didn’t realize until now that all of you had responded. There is just ssoooo much negative detail-it’s exhausting. One day soon I will write in more detail. Tonight my mother returned from staying with her sister for a few days. Life is so much better when she’s gone. Still I get frustrated because I cannot seem to get much done for the very fact of having to process and handle all of the stress of this seemingly impossible situation. I’ve realized recently that after this is all over, I’m gonna need some deep counseling and therapy that specifically addresses the healing of the scars inflicted by NPD parents and gives me the skills to cope in a normal healthy loving setting where I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how long she stays away, she always returns “raunchy like a hurricane” as the song says. Everytime now she is worse. Tonite it only took 5 min. for the screaming accusing rage and physical aggression to begin. My best friend and biggest support-the cat –was visiting. She actually likes him , but was out of control, slamming her feet into a bucket of water, screaming and stomping thru my things, pushing into me with a door and physically getting way too close and screaming in my ear…In order to protect the cat from her violence, I had to lead her away. The scariest part is that I have to always walk a tight rope where I have to protect myself without hurting her or letting her hurt me. Tonight the entire right side of my body hurts and typing is painful as well. No matter what she perpetrates on me, she is the victim. Carefully constructed lies, and tales of victimhood and martyrdom energize and charge up her accomplices who are friends and family. I too have had social workers sicked on me for financial lies. There was nothing to it, however the deliberate abuse of power by the man _social worker , was so extensive that I could press charges if I had the time or inclination. Almost 2 years later he has left the situation hanging. This man was sent after me by a close relative of my father, Ibelieve. I was not allo wed to know my accuser. This attack came upon me the day my mother was released from a mental facility where she was placed for 4 days. I was not allowed to interact with any of her doctors, so basically, it was a waste. She totally lied to all of them and became more and more vengeful towards me. She was put there for jamming her finger in my eye, and swears that if she ever goes back,”you’re going with me!” IN fact that is her goal as she screams at me almost daily-to get her revenge. According to her story, she was minding her business when my eyeball began roaming around the room and decided to jump on her finger. (something like that .) Well, humor keeps me going, as well as a wonderful support system which includes a few long time neighbors, an old friend or two, a divine counselor, the cat and a couple of dogs. the cat keeps me sane and handles the screaming like it’s not happening. My wise counselor said my cat friend models the best response for me . It’s true. Next time I have a funny story about what the cat and the dog did around my mother (they love me dearly and actually live across the street.) In response to the question about why counselor doesn’t help me get help: I seem to have exhausted all of the resources in the area. All. I’ve found extreme ignorance aor apathy in themedical or health professions. Remember, she is a professional liar. When someone can play thatsickly sweet weak role to the hilt, it’s hard for most people to believe that she is capable of such horrific behavior. “She’s not capable of that…you must be exaggerating.” She has demential too,but the Alzheimers group got completely overwhelmed with my story and told me they couldn’t help anymore. Lots more examples…
Thank you everyone for your support, concern and details of your experience. BTW thanks for the word “accomplice”. Perfect.
hopefully - how are you doing? You said you thought your mum was going over the edge.I know the feeling. I am concerned for you. Let us know how you are. (((((((hugs))))))
Hopefully I was going to call an ambulance one time because the husband got our CNA so upset talking about sucide and I call my son and asked him what I should do and he said if they came and he would not want to go with them-which he would not have and did not seem to be a danger to himself or others-he could turn on the charm- they would not take him and it would be a waste of time for everyone so I did not but did tell our Pastor the next day and he and the Elder came to see him and talked to him-of course he denied the whole thing. He was a good actor he once told his doc he would never hurt himself but in fact cried sucide all the time to get his own way-as did his mother-he had an uncle who did commit sucide and died.
Hopefully...I soooo understand...I wish I had the answer to your question but I do not....the lies...oh I know...part of the personality traits...My Mom has so many people...her friends...fooled. It just amazes me to see her work it....They think she is so sweet, but in reallity she is a manipulative, cunning, self declared victim. No one ever saw out in public what she is like. Our neightbors knew, because they had know her for so long in a closer to home setting. She did not fool her doc or the nurses that came to help her when she fell and broke her pelvis. She is addicted to pain pills and booze. She is aggressive and can be physical...short but strong...kind of like a bowling ball. She'll take you out! Tried on my 200lb 6' husband...he managed to just keep her at bay until she quit. WOW! We went through alot for 5 years..personally and financially. We had bought her home from her...it was not not even close to being paid off..refinanced 3 times . She gifted the down payment and in return we agreed that she would live there with us. We did not anticipate the economy taking the dive that it did. My husband and I were both caught in the downturn. Both tied to construction I was there for 6 years and my husband for 5. We paid for everything except for the homeowners dues which she paid. I only started making her buy her own booze and breakfast sweets the last 6 months we were there. When the company I worked for closed the store the owner offered me a position in the flagship store 200 miles away. We did not have the money to keep 2 homes so we had to sell. She would have to go to a retirement place. If she did not go hog wild spending(had funds and ss and a small pension) she could have lived in a nice community close to her friends for several years....but...no ...she had to go to the new fancy place and buy lots of new stuff. She had so much shit it took us a month to move her and clean up her room to get ready to sell. I was exhusted between that and closing the store and moving. 8 months later they closed the other store. Needless to say we certainly have been emotionally and financally strangled. She had turned me in to the state for elder financal abuse...lie..lie... lie. they investigated and nothing came of it because there was nothing there. After that I had a hard time being nice and had little patience...that took the cake! Also, she had before that told us we could use some of her art to stage the house until it sold. One week end she was particullary interested in the fact that we would BOTH be out of town. Bottom line...she still had a key and come over and took all of her items...if she wanted them I would certainly given them to her, We thought for a week that we had been robbed as there had been an open house.When I returned I realized that all of the items taken were hers and put it together. I had been so upset...how was I going to tell her about the robbery??? Next at Christmas time she took an overdose...not the first time. My daughter came and got her and took her with her. They think that I royally screwed her...not the case...not the case...once again she is the poor victim.We barely broke even on the house and lost huge with it all considered. She basically lived for free for 6 years and did not have to touch her funds. She had as much money at retirement as i will have...I just plan to live within my means. She tried to get my boys involved too but they see more than my daughter does. I no longer have a daughter (or mother) any more because of this...the ultimate revenge for her. I hope she lives a long time....
I would think if you could tape any of her episodes it would help. I don't know what the person said regarding calling 911, but if you call them and tell them that your mother is in a rage and has physically assaulted you in the past enough for you to get medical help for yourself, and also just recently. if that is what you mean by attacking you -then I would think they should come. Doesn't your counsellor and your doctor advise you how to get help? (((((hugs)))))
Thanks so much. My mother is very violent and aggressive and has turned many people against me with her horrific lies including doctors ans social workers. She is too smart so far to exhibit anything close to rage around anyone else. She is strong as an Ox and just attacked me a few minutes ago . Fortunaately I do have a great counselor and a doctor who "fixes" my body after her attacks. I'll be seeing him on Tuesday.
Some people have overheard her when she didn't know but of course they are the ones who don't have the power to help. Someone once told me what to say to 911 to get the ambulance to take her for an involuntary psych eval-but have lost my notes.Can anyone help me ? It feels like she's going over the edge today.
Hi hopefully my mother was diagnosed, age 96, when she was in hospital for something not related. Do you have a doctor? He/she may be able to advise you. Was the dementia diagnosed by someone? It may be wise to start documenting her behaviours. Are there any social workers in your town? They may be more helpful, I am sorry you are in this postition. Some have called emergency when their parent was in a rage - if the medics see that, then you may get more help. Do let us know how you are. It is paramount that you look after yourself. ((((((hugs))))))
How do I get an accurate diagnosis for my mother's NPD ? I've been to so many of the so- called professionals in town whom she has proceeded to lie to and manipulate. She has even turned many of those people against me as well as alienated the family and certain "friends".. They all make excuses for her and say she's fine. Now she's got dementia exacerbating the other mental illnesses including multiple personalities & bipolar -all undiagnosed. The rage, screaming. insanity and violence levels are always escalating.Please help. So far the professionals have refused to help and I'm told the only way I can get any help is with a diagnosis. My stress level is extreme and most people say to just leave. That's not possible at present. Thank you.
Your mother sounds like my MIL and your dad like my my former FIL who was both an enabler, plus enmeshed as well as enslaved by my MIL. My wife took the brunt of her mess and ended up in therapy for years to get to where she is now. This has involved some boundaries and consequences.
No one deserves to go through the abuse your mother dishes out. Is your mother on meds and does she take them? It sure doesn't sound like she does to me.
I would not ask mom anything more. I'd ask her doctor about assisted living and let him be the heavy. Do you have medical and durable POA or does someone else have it? Somehow, you have got to get the medical and legal upper hand in this situation.
You did the right thing telling her you would leave and then did there is no reason you have to put up with abuse the last time I visited my Mom to give my sister a break she picked on me all the time it was a long two weeks but mostly actually all the time I did not respond to her anger esp. when I was accused of using too much toilet tissue and when I husband was alive I just learned to remove myself to another room or if he was in rehab more than 16 times in the last few years of his life I would just go home and turn the answering machine way down and not answer the phone when it was him-our last conversation he picked on me and I let him know he was not going to get me upset a day later he got sick and was mostly unresponsive the next few days until we took him off lifesupport just keep telling yourself you do not deserve to be treated that way we can not control their anger only the way we respond since she is so mean to you let her deal with others I am sure she is nice to strangers my Mom is everyone else thinks she is a cute little old lady.
My mother has BPD and I was the target of most of her rages for my entire life. She is now 75 years old and my father (who was totally enmeshed with her behavior) is rapidly disappearing in what has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My parents live almost 4 hrs from me. My brother who enabled her, but took care of all of their physical needs and her emotional needs died 2 years ago. I traveled to their home and spent over a week trying to take care of problems with their home. I was once again the brunt of her rage. I set my boundary and said that I would leave if the rage continued. The last night there while in the midst of a terrible storm outside, she let go with another rage episode. My sister lives on the opposite side of the country and only comes home once or twice a year. My mother continually screams about needing help, but becomes angry if I ask if she is needing to consider an assisted living facility. I can not take on her issues but realize that both of my parents are suffering health issues. I don't know what to do.
Boundaries need tangilble consequences. What are some realistic possible consequences in your situation? One thing I did for a consequence domestically was to take the boys and leave for several nights and days.
Grayod - I continually use some form of those phrases that you suggest and her comeback is always "Why are you so mean to me?" I am never MEAN to her, but I do get frustrated. No matter what I do or say ... I am MEAN to her. When I say I can't accept 12 phone calls a day from you - I am MEAN - when I say I will only go grocery shopping once a week - I am MEAN - when I haven't ironed her clothes properly - I am MEAN - Once time I didn't go running to her place immediately to get her the magazine that she wanted and she told me that she wished I had never been born.... Setting the limits is great - but I get more abuse for setting the limits than just doing what she wants me to do!
Nins, just because your mom is hard on you, doesn't mean you need to be, too. Recognizing her characteristics is cathartic, and seeing your own, a way to break cycles that hinder. Prayer will help you be who God wants you to be. All you need to do is desire to have him change you. Letting go of control, anger, blame, etc., and walking in trust is huge. Best wishes for your journey. You may be able to find some godly counseling for free. Do you have a good church you attend? God bless you, Sis!
It's a bit dangerous to play one's own therapist and diagnose oneself. While you may well have picked up some feas from being around NPD constantly, I think we all need a healthy amount of focusing on our own well being. It's when it gets extreme that's a personality disorder.
Particularly with BPD and NPD, their behaviors are usually regulated to those nearest to them when people can't see them which helps them to look perfect to the rest of the world which makes laypeople find it hard to understand much less believe what you share.
I am blessed with good enough insurance to do the therapy, plus some other help. for us to get therapy which she started in 1998 and I started in 2002, plus the boys in 2003 who are now 19 and 17. What has helped emensely with therapy is her going on disability in 2002 and me in 2003 because the combination of medicare part B and the insurance suppliment we have through my previous work covers the entire cost of seeing therapists and psychiatrists. I've been in weekly therapy basicaly since June of 2003 with a few exceptions. My previous employment insurance covers our boys like they were on our previous family group plan.
Our boys are entirely different too.
All this therapy, plus finally getting a really good therapist for the last 5 of the past 7 years has made me a better person, man, husband, father, etc.
I wish you and your grown children well in yall's journey.
Oh no-I just read my own post and see that I'm sounding pretty NPD myself! A year ago I wouldn't even have been thinking about this stuff because I didn't have to LIVE with it -had a life!
Crowe- "The chain can stop with you"-those are great words to live by in this situation. My kids (25, 23, 19) and I are completely different with one another. I sincerely hope I gave them better, if not perfect underpinnings for their lives. I do wish I had the means to get therapy as you have. I have support, but laypersons do not quite seem to fathom what it is like to live with these NPD people. They see what is on the surface and as you say the educated NPD is a very difficult. My mother is German, has a classical education, and part of a law degree. She is extremely smart and clever. Ever since I can remember she has considered herself "above" intellectually as well as considering an American education/degree (which I have) to be inferior. If people cannot quote Goethe, Ovid, etc., they can be "dismissed" as uneducated and shallow. In fact Americans themselves are shallow compared to Europeans in her eyes-mere children. She considers me to be one of those she can dismiss, as well as healthcare practitioners, social workers etc. SHE knows it all, and considers those whom she's not currently trying to manipulate into doing something for her idiots, but she doesn't generally show her distain, unless it is when she occasionally "goes off" on someone. Though she is known in the neighborhood for these episodes she manages to never indulge in them in front of anyone of power or authority.. What people don't understand is that she's been "going off" on me that way all my life in private. Very few people have witnessed this. Like you say, its a cyclone-she goes off, which usually consists of the most incredible accusations and suspicions of my motives, then its my charachter, then my lack of intelligence, and finally my physical appearance. If I rebut her in any way or become upset then I am "oversensitive and stupid"and she retreats and refuses to speak any further. She will turn her face away and drum her fingers... I guess thats the part where she steps out of the "eye". Ok enough ranting for the moment. I am glad you are taking a bit of time for yourself and getting healthy Crowe. My thanks for all your help.
Like a therapist told my wife, 'the chain can stop with you" At almost 53, I can see why I made many choices that I did in light of my family of origin.
Basically, I married someone much like my mother, almost like I was looking for a 'mother type' who would meet my emotional needs which my mother didn't instead of using me to meet her emotional needs, and yes she is a bit older than I am.
But thankfully unlike my mother, my wife after several years of marriage later got thereapy, took DBT twice and has been on meds ever since. Otherwise, I don't believe we would be married today. While she's not totally healed, and who is, she is stable which has been much better since she set boundaries with her sick 'mommy dearest' and stoped hiding behind my pants to fight her battles in 2005. Now I and the boys feel like she much more fully present with us as a family instead of being so absorbed by her mom. Much of this change began when I started setting boundaries in the fall of 2003.
I'm not totally where I need to be as far as boundaries, but I have made progress.Otherwise, one therapist told me, without continuing to work on boundaries I would become just like my FIL (who died 14 year's ago-peace at last), my weak and very dominated date, and my weak, drunked excuse of a step-dad.
Now, I also understand why my mother never liked my MIL. They were too much alike, just one had a master's degree and the other a high school diploma. An educated person with a personality disorder can really be slick.
My therapist and I have been working on all these and their related issues for 5 years which is very exhausting. He said that I've done so much work in that area that I need to lighten up and enjoy life more. Speaking of lightening up, my wife and I have started on the South Beach dite which I really need since I'm morbidly obese and earlier I tried this diet by myself, lost a lot, but did not stick with it.
Yes Crowe well said. I married my mother (although much milder and a lot less nuts), had 3 wonderful kids with him and then divorced him. I didn't really realize HOW Much like my mother he was until recently, only that I didn't like our "all about him" thing. Though I don't for a moment regret my kids, I wish I had had the ability to choose someone who honored ME and allowed me to honor HIM in a loving and rational way. I'm just now beginning to see how this stuff rolls downhill.
Sis, People like that are said to live in OZ and it an't Kansas anymore in that emotinally impulsive world! In that sense of the phrasiology, I'm glad you have said in Kansas when your mom has left for Oz. Pity the cowardly lion, the tin man, and the scare crow that often take the journey with them and then look for the wizard to get them home when the power of choosing healthy boundaries is the only way home.
Far too often people who grow up in such homes swear they will never marry someone like that, but they are familiar with it and too often accidently end up chosing that sort of person for a mate. The same thing too often takes place with people who divorce a person with BPD for very often unless you look at why you were attracted to them, you very well might marry the same kind of person again.
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Thank you so much for your kind words. In this city, NPD and BPD seem to be top-secret disorders. A few lovely people believe me and are supportive, but many others have verbally attacked me and vilified me for daring to speak ill of my "dear sweet" mother.
So, my NPD mother has managed to cut me off from many to cut me off from many, many people. Her family , as well as my father’s, top the list. She even got them to not invite me to a big family wedding. Although she had managed this trick with certain family friends, I was really stunned when the closest relatives I had, made sure I wasn’t invited. My mother was especially gleeful to ride to the wedding with some of my neighbors who were also invited. Looks like they’re really invested in being nasty because the neighbor told me last week that the bride, my cousin, is pregnant.
Family is the f-word in my life and I do not consider them relatives anymore. Some of them coach her on how to be nasty to me. They are trying to teach the master. I can tell because she has never been creative before.
How do you get someone placed when her family chooses to ignore all of the signs, and the so-called professional community chooses not to recognize the disorder?
There is good news , more crazy stories, and a request for ideas coming soon. Please stay tuned. I plan to get back tomorrow. It's way too late and I must sleep.
Thank you,
Hopefully
((((((((((((((((((hopefully))))))))))))))) I sure understand about the enegy it takes to process all the garbage. It sounds like you are in a very abusive situation. Have you any thoughts yet about placing your mum somewhere? Forgive me if we have talked about this already. I am glad you have a counsellor and a cat. Both can be great friends. let us know how you are.
((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) Joan
Thank you so much for your heartfelt responses and words of wisdom. I apologize for not responding more quickly-thought I’d placed my question in the wrong area, and didn’t realize until now that all of you had responded.
There is just ssoooo much negative detail-it’s exhausting. One day soon I will write in more detail. Tonight my mother returned from staying with her sister for a few days. Life is so much better when she’s gone. Still I get frustrated because I cannot seem to get much done for the very fact of having to process and handle all of the stress of this seemingly impossible situation. I’ve realized recently that after this is all over, I’m gonna need some deep counseling and therapy that specifically addresses the healing of the scars inflicted by NPD parents and gives me the skills to cope in a normal healthy loving setting where I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
No matter how long she stays away, she always returns “raunchy like a hurricane” as the song says. Everytime now she is worse. Tonite it only took 5 min. for the screaming accusing rage and physical aggression to begin. My best friend and biggest support-the cat –was visiting. She actually likes him , but was out of control, slamming her feet into a bucket of water, screaming and stomping thru my things, pushing into me with a door and physically getting way too close and screaming in my ear…In order to protect the cat from her violence, I had to lead her away. The scariest part is that I have to always walk a tight rope where I have to protect myself without hurting her or letting her hurt me. Tonight the entire right side of my body hurts and typing is painful as well.
No matter what she perpetrates on me, she is the victim. Carefully constructed lies, and tales of victimhood and martyrdom energize and charge up her accomplices who are friends and family. I too have had social workers sicked on me for financial lies. There was nothing to it, however the deliberate abuse of power by the man _social worker , was so extensive that I could press charges if I had the time or inclination. Almost 2 years later he has left the situation hanging. This man was sent after me by a close relative of my father, Ibelieve. I was not allo wed to know my accuser. This attack came upon me the day my mother was released from a mental facility where she was placed for 4 days. I was not allowed to interact with any of her doctors, so basically, it was a waste. She totally lied to all of them and became more and more vengeful towards me. She was put there for jamming her finger in my eye, and swears that if she ever goes back,”you’re going with me!” IN fact that is her goal as she screams at me almost daily-to get her revenge. According to her story, she was minding her business when my eyeball began roaming around the room and decided to jump on her finger. (something like that .)
Well, humor keeps me going, as well as a wonderful support system which includes a few long time neighbors, an old friend or two, a divine counselor, the cat and a couple of dogs. the cat keeps me sane and handles the screaming like it’s not happening. My wise counselor said my cat friend models the best response for me . It’s true. Next time I have a funny story about what the cat and the dog did around my mother (they love me dearly and actually live across the street.)
In response to the question about why counselor doesn’t help me get help: I seem to have exhausted all of the resources in the area. All. I’ve found extreme ignorance aor apathy in themedical or health professions. Remember, she is a professional liar. When someone can play thatsickly sweet weak role to the hilt, it’s hard for most people to believe that she is capable of such horrific behavior. “She’s not capable of that…you must be exaggerating.” She has demential too,but the Alzheimers group got completely overwhelmed with my story and told me they couldn’t help anymore. Lots more examples…
Thank you everyone for your support, concern and details of your experience. BTW thanks for the word “accomplice”. Perfect.
Hopefully.
I would think if you could tape any of her episodes it would help. I don't know what the person said regarding calling 911, but if you call them and tell them that your mother is in a rage and has physically assaulted you in the past enough for you to get medical help for yourself, and also just recently. if that is what you mean by attacking you -then I would think they should come. Doesn't your counsellor and your doctor advise you how to get help? (((((hugs)))))
Thanks so much. My mother is very violent and aggressive and has turned many people against me with her horrific lies including doctors ans social workers. She is too smart so far to exhibit anything close to rage around anyone else. She is strong as an Ox and just attacked me a few minutes ago . Fortunaately I do have a great counselor and a doctor who "fixes" my body after her attacks. I'll be seeing him on Tuesday.
Some people have overheard her when she didn't know but of course they are the ones who don't have the power to help. Someone once told me what to say to 911 to get the ambulance to take her for an involuntary psych eval-but have lost my notes.Can anyone help me ? It feels like she's going over the edge today.
hopefully
my mother was diagnosed, age 96, when she was in hospital for something not related. Do you have a doctor? He/she may be able to advise you. Was the dementia diagnosed by someone? It may be wise to start documenting her behaviours. Are there any social workers in your town? They may be more helpful, I am sorry you are in this postition. Some have called emergency when their parent was in a rage - if the medics see that, then you may get more help. Do let us know how you are. It is paramount that you look after yourself. ((((((hugs))))))
The rage, screaming. insanity and violence levels are always escalating.Please help. So far the professionals have refused to help and I'm told the only way I can get any help is with a diagnosis. My stress level is extreme and most people say to just leave. That's not possible at present.
Thank you.
Your mother sounds like my MIL and your dad like my my former FIL who was both an enabler, plus enmeshed as well as enslaved by my MIL. My wife took the brunt of her mess and ended up in therapy for years to get to where she is now. This has involved some boundaries and consequences.
No one deserves to go through the abuse your mother dishes out. Is your mother on meds and does she take them? It sure doesn't sound like she does to me.
I would not ask mom anything more. I'd ask her doctor about assisted living and let him be the heavy. Do you have medical and durable POA or does someone else have it? Somehow, you have got to get the medical and legal upper hand in this situation.
Boundaries need tangilble consequences. What are some realistic possible consequences in your situation? One thing I did for a consequence domestically was to take the boys and leave for several nights and days.
Setting the limits is great - but I get more abuse for setting the limits than just doing what she wants me to do!
It's a bit dangerous to play one's own therapist and diagnose oneself. While you may well have picked up some feas from being around NPD constantly, I think we all need a healthy amount of focusing on our own well being. It's when it gets extreme that's a personality disorder.
Particularly with BPD and NPD, their behaviors are usually regulated to those nearest to them when people can't see them which helps them to look perfect to the rest of the world which makes laypeople find it hard to understand much less believe what you share.
I am blessed with good enough insurance to do the therapy, plus some other help. for us to get therapy which she started in 1998 and I started in 2002, plus the boys in 2003 who are now 19 and 17. What has helped emensely with therapy is her going on disability in 2002 and me in 2003 because the combination of medicare part B and the insurance suppliment we have through my previous work covers the entire cost of seeing therapists and psychiatrists. I've been in weekly therapy basicaly since June of 2003 with a few exceptions. My previous employment insurance covers our boys like they were on our previous family group plan.
Our boys are entirely different too.
All this therapy, plus finally getting a really good therapist for the last 5 of the past 7 years has made me a better person, man, husband, father, etc.
I wish you and your grown children well in yall's journey.
"The chain can stop with you"-those are great words to live by in this situation. My kids (25, 23, 19) and I are completely different with one another. I sincerely hope I gave them better, if not perfect underpinnings for their lives.
I do wish I had the means to get therapy as you have. I have support, but laypersons do not quite seem to fathom what it is like to live with these NPD people. They see what is on the surface and as you say the educated NPD is a very difficult. My mother is German, has a classical education, and part of a law degree. She is extremely smart and clever. Ever since I can remember she has considered herself "above" intellectually as well as considering an American education/degree (which I have) to be inferior. If people cannot quote Goethe, Ovid, etc., they can be "dismissed" as uneducated and shallow. In fact Americans themselves are shallow compared to Europeans in her eyes-mere children. She considers me to be one of those she can dismiss, as well as healthcare practitioners, social workers etc. SHE knows it all, and considers those whom she's not currently trying to manipulate into doing something for her idiots, but she doesn't generally show her distain, unless it is when she occasionally "goes off" on someone. Though she is known in the neighborhood for these episodes she manages to never indulge in them in front of anyone of power or authority.. What people don't understand is that she's been "going off" on me that way all my life in private. Very few people have witnessed this. Like you say, its a cyclone-she goes off, which usually consists of the most incredible accusations and suspicions of my motives, then its my charachter, then my lack of intelligence, and finally my physical appearance. If I rebut her in any way or become upset then I am "oversensitive and stupid"and she retreats and refuses to speak any further. She will turn her face away and drum her fingers... I guess thats the part where she steps out of the "eye".
Ok enough ranting for the moment.
I am glad you are taking a bit of time for yourself and getting healthy Crowe. My thanks for all your help.
Like a therapist told my wife, 'the chain can stop with you" At almost 53, I can see why I made many choices that I did in light of my family of origin.
Basically, I married someone much like my mother, almost like I was looking for a 'mother type' who would meet my emotional needs which my mother didn't instead of using me to meet her emotional needs, and yes she is a bit older than I am.
But thankfully unlike my mother, my wife after several years of marriage later got thereapy, took DBT twice and has been on meds ever since. Otherwise, I don't believe we would be married today. While she's not totally healed, and who is, she is stable which has been much better since she set boundaries with her sick 'mommy dearest' and stoped hiding behind my pants to fight her battles in 2005. Now I and the boys feel like she much more fully present with us as a family instead of being so absorbed by her mom. Much of this change began when I started setting boundaries in the fall of 2003.
I'm not totally where I need to be as far as boundaries, but I have made progress.Otherwise, one therapist told me, without continuing to work on boundaries I would become just like my FIL (who died 14 year's ago-peace at last), my weak and very dominated date, and my weak, drunked excuse of a step-dad.
Now, I also understand why my mother never liked my MIL. They were too much alike, just one had a master's degree and the other a high school diploma. An educated person with a personality disorder can really be slick.
My therapist and I have been working on all these and their related issues for 5 years which is very exhausting. He said that I've done so much work in that area that I need to lighten up and enjoy life more. Speaking of lightening up, my wife and I have started on the South Beach dite which I really need since I'm morbidly obese and earlier I tried this diet by myself, lost a lot, but did not stick with it.
Far too often people who grow up in such homes swear they will never marry someone like that, but they are familiar with it and too often accidently end up chosing that sort of person for a mate. The same thing too often takes place with people who divorce a person with BPD for very often unless you look at why you were attracted to them, you very well might marry the same kind of person again.