How do you help a parent to understand the purpose of a POA?

I am the POA for my dad. But just in case I added all of my siblings name in it. So I am the first and then all of them after ward. So if any of them is at the Dr office or anywhere else they can see my siblings name and we never had a problem. We are 6 siblings. When I submit the copy of POA to a entity I mention that to them so if they want to put it in there notes. Make copies of medical POA and durable POA and hand it all your sibling. Have several family meeting on this topic. Many Lawyers to first free consultation. Find law students who would be happy to help your family for free. Your step mom need to understand as she would be in the same shoes when her time came. I had a long battle too, we all live in a different state and if there is anything need to be done, they all freeze up. 2yr ago when I started all this my father was walking and comprehending, now he is a baby. He was already wearing diapers from past 10 yrs.

Agree with Frances54 above. My father (now deceased) did not have a will; my mother (still living at 85) still does not have/want a will. Neither of them did or will talk about "end of life" wishes. They opt not to think or talk about this inevitable event (death). When I gently tried to broach the subject with my Dad, he stated and I quote, "I don't need a will. Everything will go to your mother. I'm going to be dead so I don't have to do anything." Great.

So there you have it. My father did not want to talk about, wouldn't talk about it and totally clammed up when any discussion of this nature were brought up. His thought process (and he did NOT have any sort of dementia; I think just undiagnosed lifelong depression) was I'm going to be dead; let others (his wife/children) take care of the details. Lovely. I will NEVER, EVER do that to my spouse or children. We have had many conversations (and my husband and I are 55 years old; our children are in their mid to late 20's) to whit we have made our wishes known.

I think it is that Generation (persons born in the late 20's/early 30's); now 85 years old and up, that just don't want to speak of such things. After my father passed, I (the youngest of 3 surviving children) asked my mother if she wanted to put me on her checking/savings account just "in case" she needed me to write out some checks/bills for her if she ever couldn't do it anymore (i.e. if she became hospitalized or incapacitated in any way). She agreed to that. However, I am NOT her POA as she would not consent to this. I would NEVER cheat her, use her funds as my own, or cheat my older brother/sister out of any of their inheritance (little though it will probably be). Deep down she knows that, but she would refuse to sign a financial POA. To her, that means I could "sell the house from under her", "kick my brother out of Mom's house where he lives in with my mother", 'put her in a nursing home", etc. etc. I reassured her I would NEVER, EVER do such things. I don't want or need any of her money. I don't need her house. The house is only in my mother's name now (my father passed in 2008). In fact, I told her when she passes, my brother could live there until he passes (he's fairly healthy at age 64) if he so chooses. I don't care. I told her that would be her decision. She is in charge. I explained that she should put her wishes in a Will instead of telling me (alone) what she wanted to do. We have these conversations periodically, but my brother and sister are never around to hear them. They don't WANT to hear this kind of talk. But still, signing over financial POA to a child, is frightening to the elderly. No matter how much I reassure her, she won't do it. So I don't bring it up anymore. I just visit her often, recheck/correct her check book register --- she still insists on writing out her own checks --- and making sure nothing is amiss. My sister (who lives less than 1 mile from her) rarely visits and is in her own world. She erroneously thinks I have FPOA over my mother; I told her I do NOT and if she visited our mother more often, she'd know that -- but that's a whole other story not for this posting.

So I just go on day after day hoping that the "other shoe doesn't fall". When that happens, I will have to do my best to sort through paperwork, insurance papers, funeral arrangments, etc. etc. My brother is not mentally capable/fully engaged to do all the followup details and my sister is basically "non-existent" in the family. They don't want to have conversations of this nature with our Mom and fully expect me to "take care of it all" when the time comes. Ugh. My advice -- You do the best you can. I empathize with you. Sorry it's not more helpful.

I feel your pain. My elderly parents are both resistant to POAs, they think if they sign one we will be able to dump them in a nursing home without their says. I have tried to explain that it will help if something happens to them. I told them that I have one and my brother is named on it and Mom said "that means he can get your money and spend it!" Really Mom? You have to take a leap of faith and trust someone. But I doubt I will ever get them to understand the importance of this. They had the documents drawn up along with wills, but still haven't signed them. My father at 86 seems to think he will live forever!

I would tell anyone to call an elder care attorney. Each state has different
types of POA, such as durable, mental health, general, living will and DNR.
Arizona has 4 one needs to have. Due to HIPPPA laws, you can not even
participate in his medical needs. When I set things up for my mother who
has Alzheimer's I had myself and my niece, who is a Dr. The way to look at
all of us, anyone is we could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so, who wil be able
to make sure that I/ your father needs to have help with, not just money, but
his well being. There was one statement made, in that if he is not of sound
mind, it may be too late to have him do so. You can get most of the documents
at stores that sell office paper's , yet they will have to get a notory. The Dr, may be able to convince him to start about the medical needs of a POA,/ DNR. Fear
may work , in that if he were to need CPR, most likely his chest cavity will crack,
punture a lung, not ot mention the pain involved. If he does understan that, he may be able to understand he will want just sustaining help, no tubes ect....
Does he want to be on feeding tubes, resporator, if not then he may understand
the importance of at least a medical POA. Call an elder care attorney for help,
to find out what your state needs.
Be well!!!

They told my friend that she wasn't in the service long enough to get anything from the VA. (She served as a NA during Viet Nam, working with the men burned by Napalm). She was discharged when the war ended. She is applying no as her husband's widow. He was wounded in WWII.

TEXAS, oh God.....Just returned from a job in Texas. I don't like TEXAS at all.
I have taught R.N.'s at VA's in AZ. I am not understanding why the VA tells you he has no access to help through them. He served his country....he will always have the VA's help. That expires with death only.
Your really in a mess.
Guilt is a form of fear.
Fear not-walk on.....trust your intuitive self.
Your not alone....

I agree with all the previous answers. My mom passed away 2 years ago and I was her caregiver for 14 years. I think you should talk to the stepmother and explain to her your feelings on this situation because you just want to ensure your dad is getting all the help he needs even outside of the finances. It is very hard being a caregiver but very rewarding for you after your loved one takes their last breath. I too had problems with financial side of the POA when my mom moved in with us from my elder sibling, but it seems no one was concerned about her health! I would say do all you can while you can and everything does not work out the way you want it to just know that you tried.

I agree with Litldog: (1) I don't know who you talked to about the long-term care VA benefits, but that's a crock! And if you have access to an attorney, he/she should know that, unless they're not an Elder Law attorney; (2) Either get used to being "the bad guy" and not worrying about the rest of the family (that's a neverending battle), or you won't have the energy for the long road ahead; and (3) After 9 months of trying to help my Mom without a POA, I finally asked her, "Do you want to do all of this by yourself?" (knowing full well that she can't) and she said "No," so THERE! End of discussion. If he wants to move back badly enough but you're spending all your time & energy on sibling strife instead of helping him--then either put your foot down or let the know-it-all siblings HAVE it. I have 3 siblings who are not involved AT ALL. Of course, there's no money, assets or estate to inherit in Mom's case, so... why should they, right?? It's not like it's the right thing to do!!

the military started accepting female soldiers ( d*ck holsters , lol ) en masse in the mid 70 's . h*ll yea , im going into a va facility when i get to be too much for society ..

If your father is mentally alert, explain the need for a POA to help him. If he wants you to handle his affairs it should be you. If his wife isn't willing to step up as spouse, which she should, the POA is a useful document.

All four of you siblings CAN share in a POA. I know because my four siblings shared co-POA for my mother. It was the first time in AZ that had happened. If you and your siblings can debate about his care without fist fights and remain civil, then get a shared POA. Your father is entitled to live in a VA nursing home if they have room and he applies. Check that out. I don't know if there are specifics about how long he was in the service, all I know is my husband served 24 yrs. and was a veteran of three wars, and he is entitled to stay there. When he gets really worse, I will see if they have room for him in Phoenix. Yes, the same VA that is in trouble. This nursing home sits right next to the VA hospital. Good luck!

Also, it's okay if your the 'bad guy' because guess what? You're NOT! Your the person who is concerned about your parent. Stop feeling guilty and don't allow your family to make you feel bad. Quite frankly, I wish I had some siblings...I'd walk away right now and let them handle everything if they felt so competent to do so. I wouldn't feel guilty in the least especially after the last four days I've had to put up with! :) So far, I've plunged the toilet five times (she 'POOBED' and yes, that spelling is correct--that's how she tells me). I swear she uses twenty FEET of toilet paper each and every time and she doesn't tell me until the toilet bubbles up and over the floor).

So, don't feel guilty. Let them do it if they're all so smart. That's how I feel about it. Give it to them. Visit dad and tell him how much you love him and let them handle the finances and the really bad stuff that comes with that).

Well, try this. Tell him if there is no POA then the state will take over. My mom didn't sign a Power of Attorney and the state DID take over. It took me a month to get her out of a geriatric psyche unit (and she was there because the high numbers from her diabetes affected her brain).

Doubt anyone wants the state to take over their medical care.

Now, about the VA. Why is there no long term facility care from the VA? I thought the VA took care of all people no longer able to care for themselves. I remember my dad always telling me that he had a place at the VA when he gets sick and can no longer care for himself. Has that changed?

If she is paying her own bills to Assisted Living, she must still be competent enough to know that she will need a POA in time. Having this appointed does not preclude the afflicted individual access to their own funds, or paying their own bills- it just gives the POA authority to do so if needed..

Perhaps your dad is worried about having control taken away from him via a PoA.
I had the PoA written so that my dad did not need to be deemed incompetent. This way I was able to explain to my dad that he was "sharing" his access with me so that I could pay his bills and take care of taxes, etc. for him. I keep him informed and "ask" his opinion on things that need to be done. When I "ask" about things, I respect his wishes if possible, but occasionally I will gently persuade him.

My friend is about to go into Assisted Living. She has no family except a niece who lives in another state. Does she need someone here to have POA? If she gives it to the niece, will there be problems?

I might add that an elder law attorney may be needed. Much depends on your father's cognitive capacity as well as his relationship with his wife. It's a complicated situation to say the least. Thanks everyone for your input!
Carol

If your father really can't understand the purpose of your having POA then it sounds as if you've missed the boat; and if your stepmother is determined to keep control of her assets, and some of them are held jointly with your father, you're going to have problems anyway. Do he and your step mother have their own attorney? It might be a good idea to ask a specialist in elder care to look at them as a package and suggest ways forward.

You've been given good advice about the POA.

Why does Dad want to come back to Ohio? Would his wife come, too? I take it they are not living together now -- Dad's in NH and Wife is in one of their two homes? Where would she live in Ohio? Are they estranged? Does Wife visit Dad often? These things don't have much to do with the question of POA, but if we knew the bigger picture we might be able to share some insights.

tell him he has to permit poa to the person he thinks he can trust the most . a checking account can be opoened with multiple sibs having access to bank statements but only one having authority to make transactions . this sharing of financial info might get the other family members on board and help persuade dad .
tell him that at a point he becomes incapacitated its too late to get poa . he may pass away with his finances frozen and be tossed in a swamp ..

Your step mom is in Texas and you want to bring dad home to Ohio? Just a question, does anybody care about her? Back to dad...is he competent? If yes, then have POA drawn up for him to sign. If no, get guardianship. But if all this is just to move him because he says that's what he wants today, what happens if he should want to go back to be with his wife?

His doctor may be able to tell him directly but maybe you've tried that. Does your dad have a friend or a spiritual leader who he trusts? This person may break through your dad's resistance and help him understand that he needs your help to get back to Ohio and that means making you his Power Of Attorney.

Elders often hate giving up what they see as control of their finances because it seems like they are losing more control over their lives. So, an alternative may be that you tell him that this is his choice and you'll accept it, but that he is giving up a chance to go back to Ohio. He may actually go along with your idea - sort of reverse psychology.


If a friend, doctor, attorney or spiritual leader can't convince him to make you his POA, and telling him that he's making the choice doesn't help, you may have to give up, simply knowing that you've done your best. You are the good guy, so don't beat yourself up. Unless your dad can be proven incompetent in court, you won't be able to force him.

Good luck. Please let us know how this turns out.
Carol