
Married, almost 36 years. At the end of my rope and feeling guilty at the same time. Husband forced into early retirement (at age 63) from his job. The first year he was fine, loving retirement and the slow easy days. Then there was a shift. He started spending his time in his favorite chair in front of the tv and playing games on his phone. I tried everything to engage him in conversations and activities but to no avail he would not do anything. Our grown sons would visit but they got little out of him. He would lie to his doctor and say he wasn’t depressed but I knew different because I have battled depression for years. He blames me and my broad shoulders have taken that blame for 11 years now. We started sleeping in different rooms 6 years ago, he said I was too fat to share the bed anymore because he was uncomfortable. Our intimacy was gone too, he lost interest(although I had not). I have tried literally everything to get through to the man I once adored. But as of the last 4 years he is in that chair for 14 hours a day. He has become mean to me and I try to understand and stay calm but my patience with him is nearly gone. He refuses therapy and lies to his doctor about being fine. For a while all he said were things about dying. When confronted about his words he would get angry and deny saying that. He is 74 and I, 65. I just don’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t love me anymore and honestly, the love I felt left long ago. He is wasting away in that chair. His mind is wilting too. I can’t MAKE him do anything. I can’t move out, I have nowhere to go and only have a small s.s check as income. We are more like roommates than husband and wife. I do everything in the house and still do for him. Diagnosed with bone cancer 6 months ago I am barely surviving this situation. I am so stressed and burnt out. Am I a bad person for wanting out of this? Every new day is like walking on eggshells around him. I never know how he will be any given day. I have tried for so many years to save this marriage but that only works when both are trying and he won’t. Why do I feel so guilty for feeling this way? Sorry this was so long. A lot was left out due to size(I could write a novel) thanks for giving me a place to vent.
I urge you to seek caregiver support; you don’t have to face this alone.
May you receive healing in your body, mind and soul.
You've been given very good advice here, especially the advice to stop doing things for him. Laundry, food, cleaning anything for him. Just stop. But first, stealthily collect all info about the finances and any property. Do not let him know you are doing this. A man that says you are too fat or whatever he said to you is not a man who will handle this well. Take all of this info to a good divorce attorney. Put yourself first. Your marriage is already over, and it should be, as he is being horrible to you and you don't deserve it. No one does. Do you know you are in an abusive marriage? In fact, you might even call the Domestic Violence Hotline so that you can get even more detailed advice about what to do for yourself. Stop thinking of him. It will be hard but you can do it. Many women have.
A depressing percentage of men will leave their wives when they have cancer. Perhaps a member of your health team has already told you this. They often let women know there's a good chance this will happen. Ask yourself if you can rely on him, and the truthful answer is no. The last thing you need to do is worry about someone else. I'm sure you love him, but loving him is not enough. Take the very good advice you are given here and make plans to exit this marriage.
I'm just thinking that maybe you shouldn't stop doing everything all at once until after you see the attorney. You should never tip off an abusive man to a divorce plan because they can grab all the money and leave you with nothing. Please update us later. I wish you strength and peace. You will find that your life is much improved when you don't have to take care of him.
I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis, but it means taking better care of yourself, not your husband. You are not responsible for his happiness, you are not responsible if he chose to waste away.
You need to regain health, strength and confidence. Maybe therapy, journaling?
Many of us feel “left out” by spouse. Especially those with very sick spouses.
And being similar age and having high hopes for retirement I understand how you feel.
See a divorce lawyer. Bring all your and your husband's financial records. You don't necessarily need to follow through, but at least find out what the financial situation would be if you choose to. Just don't do anything for him. See what happens. Don't engage him in conversation. If he criticizes you, leave the room or leave the house. Does he still drive?
If he's competent to do things for himself, but choosing not to, stop doing them for him. Buy and prepare your own food, but not his. Do your own laundry, but not his. Clean your own bedroom and bathroom, but not his. Etc.
What would happen if you left for a week to visit one or both of your sons, and left him by himself?
If not, go speak with a divorce attorney. In a long term marriage such as yours, you have rights to community property and likely half of your combined assets as well as alimony. Let the attorney tell YOU what you can take from this marriage so you can survive on your own.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, either. You're killing yourself working as half a team where the other half has checked out completrly! He doesn't love you and you're "too fat" to sleep in the same bed? Buster, you're too lazy to move a muscle or act like a man!
I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in 2023. One of the areas affected was my bones. J can honestly tell you that not even childbirth felt as painful as those tumors and lesions on my bones did. I think it's extremely important for you to focus on YOU know, and to ask your sons for emotional support when you need it. They see what their father has morphed into, and that you're alone now. I'm sure they'll none happy to help you through this because they love you.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything on your plate. You are not alone, my friend. Please keep us updated. We do care.