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Married, almost 36 years. At the end of my rope and feeling guilty at the same time. Husband forced into early retirement (at age 63) from his job. The first year he was fine, loving retirement and the slow easy days. Then there was a shift. He started spending his time in his favorite chair in front of the tv and playing games on his phone. I tried everything to engage him in conversations and activities but to no avail he would not do anything. Our grown sons would visit but they got little out of him. He would lie to his doctor and say he wasn’t depressed but I knew different because I have battled depression for years. He blames me and my broad shoulders have taken that blame for 11 years now. We started sleeping in different rooms 6 years ago, he said I was too fat to share the bed anymore because he was uncomfortable. Our intimacy was gone too, he lost interest(although I had not). I have tried literally everything to get through to the man I once adored. But as of the last 4 years he is in that chair for 14 hours a day. He has become mean to me and I try to understand and stay calm but my patience with him is nearly gone. He refuses therapy and lies to his doctor about being fine. For a while all he said were things about dying. When confronted about his words he would get angry and deny saying that. He is 74 and I, 65. I just don’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t love me anymore and honestly, the love I felt left long ago. He is wasting away in that chair. His mind is wilting too. I can’t MAKE him do anything. I can’t move out, I have nowhere to go and only have a small s.s check as income. We are more like roommates than husband and wife. I do everything in the house and still do for him. Diagnosed with bone cancer 6 months ago I am barely surviving this situation. I am so stressed and burnt out. Am I a bad person for wanting out of this? Every new day is like walking on eggshells around him. I never know how he will be any given day. I have tried for so many years to save this marriage but that only works when both are trying and he won’t. Why do I feel so guilty for feeling this way? Sorry this was so long. A lot was left out due to size(I could write a novel) thanks for giving me a place to vent.

You are not alone, and you are not a bad person for feeling this way. What you’ve described reflects years of emotional strain, exhaustion, and pain, anyone in your situation would feel overwhelmed. You cannot force someone to change or seek help, and the guilt you feel comes from caring for so long, not from doing something wrong. Your health and well-being matter.

I urge you to seek caregiver support; you don’t have to face this alone.
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I am so very sorry for your circumstances. Obviously you need lots of healthy and loving support during your cancer treatments. Have you sought help from a therapist for yourself to find healthy boundaries? You can discuss next steps with your husband with the therapist moderating: ask him to join you in therapy or he can see you in divorce court. He needs to see his doctor about depression or cognitive impairment, or both. If he can't agree to these basic concessions then I think you have your answer as to next steps. Before you drop the D bomb on him make sure to see a divorce attorney to put things in place first. I hope it doesn't get to this point, that maybe he will be shaken enough to act.

May you receive healing in your body, mind and soul.
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Insist he get tested for dementia. If he has it seek a dementia care home and look at Medicaid. My mom refused testing and treatment until she had to be hospitalized. Thankfully she is on meds and doing much better emotionally. I hope you do well with your cancer treatments.
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I belong to a FB stage 4 cancer group. The number of men who leave their wives after this diagnosis is dreadful. They're considered "no longer useful" especially in the bedroom. Disgusting but true, you are right about that. Never have I read of a woman leaving her DH after such a dx, however. 😑
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By the way, you should also seek therapy. The only reason you feel guilty is because you have been conditioned to believe you should put everyone else first, especially men. Start therapy for yourself and that way when you get free from him you don't get into a similar or worse situation. Imagine yourself in a cute little apartment with very little to clean and cooking what you want if you want. Develop hobbies. Take a job if you like, but first focus on your health. I've heard too many stories about wives with cancer who are still doing all the chores in the house and the man is mean, and complaining about the woman being a burden because she is sick. Don't become that story.
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This is a terrible story about an awful man. You have cancer. He will be of no use or help to you in this regard, I hope you see that clearly now. Do not tell him any of your plans. He doesn't care about you right now, and there could be many reasons including several types of dementia, but maybe he is just a jerk. Maybe he is depressed, but that's not really anything you can do anything about. If he will not get evaluated you can't drag him there. Please focus on you.

You've been given very good advice here, especially the advice to stop doing things for him. Laundry, food, cleaning anything for him. Just stop. But first, stealthily collect all info about the finances and any property. Do not let him know you are doing this. A man that says you are too fat or whatever he said to you is not a man who will handle this well. Take all of this info to a good divorce attorney. Put yourself first. Your marriage is already over, and it should be, as he is being horrible to you and you don't deserve it. No one does. Do you know you are in an abusive marriage? In fact, you might even call the Domestic Violence Hotline so that you can get even more detailed advice about what to do for yourself. Stop thinking of him. It will be hard but you can do it. Many women have.

A depressing percentage of men will leave their wives when they have cancer. Perhaps a member of your health team has already told you this. They often let women know there's a good chance this will happen. Ask yourself if you can rely on him, and the truthful answer is no. The last thing you need to do is worry about someone else. I'm sure you love him, but loving him is not enough. Take the very good advice you are given here and make plans to exit this marriage.

I'm just thinking that maybe you shouldn't stop doing everything all at once until after you see the attorney. You should never tip off an abusive man to a divorce plan because they can grab all the money and leave you with nothing. Please update us later. I wish you strength and peace. You will find that your life is much improved when you don't have to take care of him.
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You are guilty of nothing.
I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis, but it means taking better care of yourself, not your husband. You are not responsible for his happiness, you are not responsible if he chose to waste away.
You need to regain health, strength and confidence. Maybe therapy, journaling?
Many of us feel “left out” by spouse. Especially those with very sick spouses.
And being similar age and having high hopes for retirement I understand how you feel.
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Have you ever contacted his doctors to tell them about this, since he's lying to them? Has he had any cognitive tests? Some forms of dementia cause apathy.

See a divorce lawyer. Bring all your and your husband's financial records. You don't necessarily need to follow through, but at least find out what the financial situation would be if you choose to. Just don't do anything for him. See what happens. Don't engage him in conversation. If he criticizes you, leave the room or leave the house. Does he still drive?

If he's competent to do things for himself, but choosing not to, stop doing them for him. Buy and prepare your own food, but not his. Do your own laundry, but not his. Clean your own bedroom and bathroom, but not his. Etc.

What would happen if you left for a week to visit one or both of your sons, and left him by himself?
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She has bone cancer JoAnn.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, with bone cancer on top of a husband who's become a stranger. Is there any way you can convince him to get to his PCP for a "once yearly mandated Medicare physical"? There may be a chance he's suffering from cognitive decline along with depression. Medication for depression may help him a lot.

If not, go speak with a divorce attorney. In a long term marriage such as yours, you have rights to community property and likely half of your combined assets as well as alimony. Let the attorney tell YOU what you can take from this marriage so you can survive on your own.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, either. You're killing yourself working as half a team where the other half has checked out completrly! He doesn't love you and you're "too fat" to sleep in the same bed? Buster, you're too lazy to move a muscle or act like a man!

I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in 2023. One of the areas affected was my bones. J can honestly tell you that not even childbirth felt as painful as those tumors and lesions on my bones did. I think it's extremely important for you to focus on YOU know, and to ask your sons for emotional support when you need it. They see what their father has morphed into, and that you're alone now. I'm sure they'll none happy to help you through this because they love you.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything on your plate. You are not alone, my friend. Please keep us updated. We do care.
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I’m surprised you’ve stuck it out this long. There’s absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Living in a loveless relationship with a depressed slug is torture and certainly won’t aid in your recovery. Please leave. He’s shown you exactly who he’s choosing to be, now believe him and go. Contact a lawyer for advice on what you’re entitled to, every city has at least one who’s known for looking out for women, find one of those. After a long marriage you’ll be entitled to some of his assets. Look into low cost senior housing. Call your local senior services agency and seek their advice on what’s available you may qualify for. Do not accept that you can’t leave, no more talking to husband or telling him your plans, it’s time for action. I wish you much courage, healing, and peace
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Maybe time for a divorce. You do not need this abuse. At 65, you can still find a nice little job. See a lawyer.
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You are still young at 65 to live like this. Can you kids assist you in leaving and getting set up someplace else? Life is too short to be this miserable. Find your peace.
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