Follow
Share

I posted about my FIL and his depression. They did discontinue the new antidepressant medication. However, last week the AL told me he hasn’t showered in over a week. This is out of character for him. The staff have all brought up his body odor and they have talked to him about showering. So the owner asked me to talk to him. Well, I asked him about it and if something was going on. He said he washes himself head to toe every night in his bathroom. Then I asked why not the shower. I asked if there was something wrong because he had showered every night for the last 6 months. His response was it’s not clean then it was messy then it was cold and then he was too sweaty from jogging through the park. Side note, last week I was so concerned about him thinking he couldn’t walk to the end of the driveway. It was scary at how fast he forgot. He said why don’t they talk to me. I said they have and they asked me if I could talk to you since we can talk about anything. Basically we went in circles. He said he won’t listen to me because I nag. I feel bad because I just upset him. At least, he got to the coffee shop. I told the staff I talked to him. They said maybe lee would have better luck. Having it come from another guy. Any other suggestions? Thank you 😊

Oh staffbull, is this a continuing care facility? If they are saying he is in the right place and making you be the nag I would wonder what exactly is going on.

What does the contract say they are responsible and accountable for.? There has to be a standardized method for naming these facilities, it's just insane.

Have they checked him for a UTI?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
Staffbull18 Apr 22, 2019
They say that’s not a problem.
(0)
Report
Staff, who decides if he needs more care? Well, not just one person and certainly not just you. I remember from some of your past posts that Lee has been somewhat content to let you take over. Not here. This is a decision that the family, the doctor and the staff at the AL need to all make together. It’s not up to you alone, Staff. What did the staff say at your six month meeting? Surely these health things and his delusions didn’t come up all of the sudden. Did you ask them why they think Dad is in the right place? They can offer no medical intervention and from what you’ve said, they can’t even deal with him getting a shower or not. I’m not sure even Lee talking to his dad will help. Dad has always been of his own mind. Lee will have to make Dad believe it’s his (Dad’s) idea to take a shower. Can he do that?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report
Staffbull18 Apr 19, 2019
thab you lee does just let me deal with it. Or it’s not dealt with because I think lee doesn’t want to deal with it. It’s not just going to go away. The assessment was with the long term health care through medicaid and al wasn’t even there. Sure they gave them the changes to his medication. Really al and family choice should be working together. Family choice told me that they have called a few times and they never got a call back. It’s like they don’t let them know if something is going on. There has been miscommunication and they will call me and ask if they should call the doctor or do i want to, you know this was supposed to be set up so I didn’t have to take care of things. I am going to call his family choice caseworker and go from there. Thank you
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
ALs are under state laws. You cannot force a person, Dementia or not, to do something. There are ways to get around this but aides don't usually have the time to argue.

Why ru talking to FIL, why not your husband its his father. You have Mom, husband needs to take care of his Dad.

Ask the AL if they "ask" him meaning "Mr. FIL would you like to get a bath?" Well of course he will say no. They need to say "time for a shower". If he says no, then they say "wouldn't you feel better being all clean and feeling good in nice clean clothes?" My daughter says by saying it that way, he makes the decision.

I too think FIL needs more care than an AL is capable of.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Staffbull18 Apr 15, 2019
I just talked to lee and he said that he is going to talk to him. Interesting that you mentioned that he needs more care than AL can provide. Lee said that he is going to get kicked out of there. He was really saying that he needs more care especially after the last hospital stay. In fact, the emergency room was going to send him back there with blood pressure 175/120 and him just mumbling. I had to stress that they cannot provide any medical help. Who decides if he needs more care. He is on medicaid long term care. This place is a cbf. We just had his 6 month review and they think he is in the right place. I want to thank you for all your knowledge.
(0)
Report
See 3 more replies
Oh man can I sympathize! My 98 year old father is terrible. He lives in a retirement village and won’t pay for help. I will not be in that role. He was a mean angry father and he is a meaner older father! I’m always lying and making stuff up. After the second time of the staff stoping me and telling me I sat down with and just told him. They considering calling adult services and making you move where there is more care. Other residents are complaining about the urine and feces smell. You have to change your depends every accident you can’t wear them till they are full! You cannot wear clothing that isn’t freshly washed. Clean clothes only when you go to meals. You must take a shower every day and brush your teeth. I reminded him of his military days. I asked if he would find his appearance acceptable! I told him I will not have this talk a third time I will just let them do what they feel is right. So far so good it’s been two months. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to KaranM
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 15, 2019
Karen,

You are so smart! You saved yourself a lot of aggravation.
(1)
Report
You want an honest answer, Staff? I think maybe Dad is beyond AL. If he’s delusional about the shower being dirty, he jogged through the park, etc., etc., then he might need more care than he’s getting now. I worry that if it’s not a locked unit, he might just take off for that jog.

The staff of the AL should not be asking you to “talk to him” and convince him he needs to shower or convince him he needs to do anything. This is their job. This is why he’s there. This is what you’re paying for. Someone to take the responsibility for his care. Even though you’ve always been very involved, this is their job now. A good STNA or CNA can say, “Come on, Mr. FIL, it’s time for your shower now.” and not put up with any excuses or anything else from him. He goes, he gets his shower and 30 minutes later, he’s clean and back in his room. My husband, when he was in rehab a few years back had a favorite aide he still calls “Sarge”. She put up with nothing from him and he can out-stubborn the best of them.

Whether you can talk about anything with him or not, this is the job of the AL. Don’t agree to step in and take over. You have other fish to fry and so does Lee.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 15, 2019
That’s what I was thinking too. I know you can’t legally make them but there are better ways to word things. It’s like JoAnn says, NO choices. Present it as part of the usual routine.
(0)
Report
AL is supposed to help them shower, that's part of the high prices, hygiene and medication are the top reasons they are even in business. Can you talk to the administrator or owner about them doing their job and stop making you the nag?

I had a terrible time because I was the only one that would say anything, so it wasn't him, it was me being mean. I finally had a melt down with his AL, do your frickin job and get him clean. (His was behind odor and it was gaggingly foul, still can't figure out why I had to pitch a fit, who wants to breathe that while working.)
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
Staffbull18 Apr 15, 2019
You are not going to believe it but one of the people that asked me to talk to him was the owner.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter