How is your health affected by sibling(s) that won't help you with parents' caregiving?

Great question... I have two brothers (no sisters)... both of which live 1000 miles away (a convenience for them to keep their distance even more). The oldest brother and his wife (who wears the 'pants'... very controlling) have alienated me and my only two nieces... one of which is my Godchild. The youngest brother and his wife remain illusive and, if this says anything, they/she didn't go to her own father's funeral recently, because of their dog.... (I'm still in shock over this one)... So... with this said, it put my mother in the middle which only added much undo stress to my mom and, to say the least... me. After much one-sided 'trying' and 'talking', I finally came to the conclusion that this was only hurting me and that I had to cut off all the 'trying'... and 'crying'... I feel much happier now, knowing that I've tried and don't 'need' to try any longer... I only now concern myself with my mother's need and my own needs... As far as the sibling 'relationship' goes, I figure if they want to come to me if they so desire... If not... it's their lost... God Bless you and your family...

Caregiving isn't easy, but I admit it isn't my brothers' fault. One of my brothers has had his share of caregiving. He and his wife had her mother with them for about 15 years. They helped with her aunt, then took care of the two grandchildren during the day, so their daughter could work. My SIL wanted to care for the grandchildren, but it did tie my brother and SIL down for years. They live three states away, so I don't resent them at all.

The other brother has 5 children living with him and his wife. He travels a lot with his job. He does the best he can to keep up with his job and putting food on the table. His wife home schools and they are very involved with their church. My brother calls when he can, but he doesn't really have the time.

Then there is me. My marriage disintegrated 4.5 years ago, and I work from home. It made sense that I would be the one taking over the caregiving role. So no bad feelings here. Sometimes I try to drum up bad feelings, but it is usually more how I feel about me being here than it is about them not being here. I know that one brother will show up if there is an emergency. The other will show up if there is a funeral. I do like that they trust me. Neither question anything that I think would be a good thing to do. It works mostly (though I'm bored!).

I think the overall stress of an elderly or ill loved one being dependent on you is the main cause of the stress, lack of additional support and financial challenges are add ons. And yes, stress will make you ill, as will aging and none of us is getting younger. No doubt, this is not stress you should have to deal with.

I was very upset at one point with my sibling, I gave it time, I was mad, but I never shut her out completely, I remained civil, largely for my father's sake. I also remained focused on wanting a relationship with my nephew and niece. Out of the blue one day, she took the first step to reconcile, thankfully before father passed. Today she is taking the lead in caring for mom and our relationship is strong. I lost my father, I will lose my mother. I really did not want to lose my sister. I share this to say that families can have rifts and rifts can heal.
I hope you will be well and that your family will heal.

My younger sister has been caring for my mom for 8 years. Mom has dementia. I am so glad I stepped up to the plate and moved in with them a year ago when it was clear to me mom could not be alone and her dementia was advancing at an alarming rate. It has been hard to say the least but I have never really known how strong my younger sister was or how hard it's been for her until I actually was in the middle of it. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I know we will be closer than ever for the experience. However, we have two other siblings in thie same small town we live in who have completely turned their backs on us and do nothing but an occasional short visit which seem to get less and less frequent all the time. I feel so abandoned by them and really don't even want them in my life anymore. My older sister has even criticized us and belittled us when talking about our caregiving abilities. No one knows how hard this is until they are in it, living it. If you have siblings taking care of a parent or relative with this desease and if you have a heart at all get in there and help. Otherwise the family will shatter and there will be more loss than just what the desease takes from you. If you don't the sibling or siblings doing all the work will feel abandoned by you, and believe me that opens your eyes to who they really are very quickly. I feel like I've lost a whole portion of my family because in my eyes they are selfish and not worthy of my love. I don't think this will ever change. The loss has been extremely difficult for me. If you can help your siblings, please do. Don't take the easy way out. That is neither fair or right.

Get a mediator to come in, sit down with you and siblings to make necessary plans for Mother's care; who can do what, contribute what and what the future holds. Mediator will keep meeting focused on Mom and her needs. If you can't do that then just let it go. Not everyone can be a caregiver and obviously not everyone can afford to contribute financially.

You have to take care of yourself and allowing siblings or whoever to affect your health is a personal decision that only you can change. God bless!

I have not posted or commented in the past couple of weeks. My mom passed April 5 here at home after 10years of my son and I being the sole caregivers. My only sister for a time sent money but never any support - not even reqular calls to our mom - nothing. Two months ago I diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa - its a auto-immune disease. That I would contribute almost solely to STRESS. I hate to type so this will be short. I now as much as I miss my mom have a significant weight off my shoulders. My heart is heavy even typing that. But I have no plans of speaking to my sister. I have gone many years without her, I will pray for her but speaking just two weeks after my mom has passed - I feel no need to have contact with her.

My brother and I have been in court. He has used my mild bipolar, an addiction to Vicodin (10 years ago) against me. He pushed me and I was injured. He acts like he is the one who had a 2-week concussion! I had him removed from the house. He signed an Order to do (or not) do certain things.

He refuses to follow the court order (which could get him arrested). He even called to get money from our Mom the other day. He hasn't been here all year, but the last 2 times, he kept calling me names in front of our mother (crazy & fat (this from a 56-year old man). I used to have low blood pressure, now it's borderline; I have to deal with my Mom's anger and abuse and now he's the Golden Prince. He is actually just like our Mom. I am always anxious and just plain worn out. And the minute she is gone, he will have his big, fat hand out. Then I plan to move back to where we grew up and never see his nasty a** ever again.

You definitely need to take care of YOU to keep your health in order so you can care for your parent(s).

It's something I kind of struggle with myself - I tend to be a workaholic because I own my own business and work from home - so if I don't make the money come in, it's not going to happen. That drive tends to spill over into other areas of my life, which is sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Please try to find a way to decompress and get some time to yourself, even if it's having a respite caregiver come in and take care of your parent(s) when you can, so you can just go out for a walk, take yourself shopping or just get away for a while. Go someplace quiet and just relax and reflect for a while.

Whitney, this is a tricky (and, sadly from other commenters on this site) and all too common situation. Like you, I am the sibling who has "stepped up to the plate" and both my (older) brother and (younger) sister are largely spared the caregiving responsibilities for our mother. To be fair, mom does live only 10 - 15 minutes from my home but that was also decided for reasons that we all knew would be the case.....I (& my saintly husband) are the most able and willing to deal with our 91 year old mother's needs at this point. Whether you end the relationship(s) or not probably has more to do with what the quality of those relationship(s) was/were before you were put into this position, but I also acknowledge that I largely willingly put myself here. Sometimes I just pull back and choose not to communicate with them for periods of time but that's about as far as I've gone thus far. Know that there are many on this site who can both empathize, and sympathize, with your predicament. Hugs for strength and perseverance.....

I am so sorry your family is not more involved. I do not have an answer for you. In a way I am lucky, the only family member anywhere close is my husbands sister, a days drive away. He has alzheimers, I am taking care of him myself. He was diagnosed 6 years ago. His sister never had much to do with him before that , he ignored her phone calls. The few there were! NOW she wants to call and talk to me 3 times a week, he is unable to communicate. Suddenly seems interested. But she has informed me several times that she and her husband are unable to contribute financially. Phones calls were very stressing...she is drunk, she asks same questions over and over, wants to get together so she and I can go out, etc. I quit answering the phone. I send an email every few weeks. She does not reply to the email, says she doesnt know how, but always wants to talk about the games she plays on the computer!! So, for me ignoring her has helped. Phone calls are fewer, I still do not answer. I am not angry and upset, like her calls made me. Maybe you can somehow ignore your family, find some agencies who can help you and give you a break from all of this. Think about YOU first, then your parents. Thats all that matters.