How is your health affected by sibling(s) that won't help you with parents' caregiving?

I can't believe that I just came to view posts on here and this topic came up! For almost three years now my siblings decided to excommunicate themselves from me, for reasons still unknown to me, right after our father died. When our mother died in 2005, I volunteered to take care of dad and move him cross country to my new house in Arizona. At the time, I was the only one out of six kids that didn't have small children and a job yet here in Arizona. I thought that it was the most perfect solution to our family's problem and to be honest, we all thought that he would probably pass within the year because of his devotion to my mother. This did not happen and my father lived to be 92 and then finally rested at the end of the year, 2011. Dad had lots of medical issues during that seven years (Heart Attack, his second full Hip Replacement, Prostate Cancer that caused chronic Hematuria, Dementia and countless trips to the hospital and Dr's offices). Needless to say, I was exhausted! My five other siblings did very little to help relieve my anxiety, frustrations or fatigue. I became a nervous wreck due to constant attention to my father's needs. I got very little sound sleep because of a monitor next to my bed to be able to hear him during the night. My sibs rarely flew over to AZ. to offer help or to relieve me for any length of time. I had built up, over those years, sooo much resentment towards them. I was too afraid to express that to them because I was in constant fear of blowing up. I never knew just how strong I could be taking care of him. My dad passed on in September of 2011. And since my father's funeral, my siblings will not talk to me anymore for various reasons that I still don't understand. I think of them everyday, even cry myself to sleep still. I really miss them and the closeness that we once had, they were my friends as well. My oldest brother also died in a freak accident in 2012. Wouldn't you think that we would all come together, then?! I sent them several invites to talk about their grievances but with no reply! It's crazy! I like to believe that they are embarrassed, ashamed and regretful of their lack of involvement with care to dad or to me. I also want to believe that I took great care of dad and now he is divinely taking care of me and excluding me from crazy family dramas. I do sleep better at night but I'm still a home body and sometimes find it hard to find things outside of the house that are fun to do.I just think that it is too sad that families break apart when loved ones die. It should be a time when all come together to hold each other up. Take care of yourselves, ...always.

I can't believe that I just came to view posts on here and this topic came up! For almost three years now my siblings decided to excommunicate themselves from me, for reasons still unknown to me, right after our father died. When our mother died in 2005, I volunteered to take care of dad and move him cross country to my new house in Arizona. At the time, I was the only one out of six kids that didn't have small children and a job yet here in Arizona. I thought that it was the most perfect solution to our family's problem and to be honest, we all thought that he would probably pass within the year because of his devotion to my mother. This did not happen and my father lived to be 92 and then finally rested at the end of the year, 2011. Dad had lots of medical issues during that seven years (Heart Attack, his second full Hip Replacement, Prostate Cancer that caused chronic Hematuria, Dementia and countless trips to the hospital and Dr's offices). Needless to say, I was exhausted! My five other siblings did very little to help relieve my anxiety, frustrations or fatigue. I became a nervous wreck due to constant attention to my father's needs. I got very little sound sleep because of a monitor next to my bed to be able to hear him during the night. My sibs rarely flew over to AZ. to offer help or to relieve me for any length of time. I had built up, over those years, sooo much resentment towards them. I was too afraid to express that to them because I was in constant fear of blowing up. I never knew just how strong I could be taking care of him. My dad passed on in September of 2011. And since my father's funeral, my siblings will not talk to me anymore for various reasons that I still don't understand. I think of them everyday, even cry myself to sleep still. I really miss them and the closeness that we once had, they were my friends as well. My oldest brother also died in a freak accident in 2012. Wouldn't you think that we would all come together, then?! I sent them several invites to talk about their grievances but with no reply! It's crazy! I like to believe that they are embarrassed, ashamed and regretful of their lack of involvement with care to dad or to me. I also want to believe that I took great care of dad and now he is divinely taking care of me and excluding me from crazy family dramas. I do sleep better at night but I'm still a home body and sometimes find it hard to find things outside of the house that are fun to do.I just think that it is too sad that families break apart when loved ones die. It should be a time when all come together to hold each other up. Take care of yourselves, ...always.

I am one of 13 sibling, 8 are step siblings, I am the ONLY one to step up and help my parents in their older years and failing health, it has been this way for the past 12 years! I must admit, I am full of anger at the others for being s heartless and uncaring ,I however, will never look back with regret. I would paint the sky for my parents and they are worth ever minute that I am able to be with them, they have given me a wonderful 53 years life, this is the least that I could do for the people who have taught me so much!! The others will have to live with their own choices!!

It's not that they refuse, for me, my sisters are a thousand miles away. In the case of my MIL, her daughter is 40 miles away, BUT not capable of handling even the smallest crisis. She just goes blank and cannot function. We just don't call her until things have been sorted out. Fortunately MIL has two sons that can maintain composure and not go hysterical.

Sometimes I wonder if siblings are in a state of blissful ignorance and most of all denial. I am torn because I have tried to share everything with my sis, but she would get angry that she was too busy. If I don't share, she's angry that I am taking over. I've even tried a family Web site (private), but she doesn't have time. Doesn't have time to hit "Reply" and say "Thanks" or "Got It." I have driven over 500 miles each way to her home to help her remodel, to take care of her after surgeries, and am supportive of her every time she calls in crisis. I have recently realized that she suffers from BPD (as the victim not the originator but it's the only personality she knows). I am learning to accept this, change my behavior (because my anger just drives a deeper wedge and hurts her). I find myself just hoping that a new way of thinking will enter her mind. But I get exhausted and frustrated, and I'm really only a financial DPOA. We have blessed caregivers with Dad, but honestly, there are still at least five calls a day. My sister thinks I am an exaggerator when I tell her managing Dad is a full time job. Those of you who do everything -- I am in awe of you. You need help. It seems most of you know to reach out far and wide to get whatever help you can. So all I can try to share positively tonight is that I hear you and feel you and wish I could help.

How would your sister know if you were exaggerating? She is mot there nor is she a caregiver. So sorry for you and others who are having a hard time. Good luck.

Since I have been reading the posts here it seems like we all seem to have problems with siblings not wanting to help. I have lived through this problem and still don't understand why the other siblings do this after all it is their parents to. We had problems when my father in-law passed away, the other siblings were there tearing their mothers pictures off of the walls looking for money and this was before the funeral was even planned. The 2 other siblings I believe have the idea just because their mom is not living outside of the home she is not much work. They have no idea of the amount of work it involves or do not want to accept their mom is getting closer to not being around. All the caregiver can do is provide the best possible care they can and enjoy the time they have with their love ones.

My sister lives about 5 miles from my mom and I. She goes to the bar everyday that is just a block away from us. But she never comes over to help out. I'm very angry at her she's the oldest and when I have asked her to help out in the past she just says that I wanted to take care of mom, no I had no choice in the matter. When my mom is gone I have no plans on seeing my sister ever again :( But there is a silver lining as far as I'm concerned I'm getting ready to go see my daughter graduate college in a couple of weeks out of state and guess who is coming to take care of mom. Oh and my 7 small dogs that live with us and I haven't even told my sister about the puppies we just had :) There is a god up there :)

I'm the youngest of 4 boys (current ages: 68,64,54 and I'm 49). I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 22 and over the years developed hypertension, hypothyroidism, and depression. Diabetes is a 24/7 disease and after caring for my Mom for the last 10-12 years, my blood sugars have been all over the place. My brothers are, in a word, useless. My oldest brother was married to 2 women and my my Mom reported him so he hasn't talked to her for the past 40 years, the next one owned a house with her and when she asked him to buy her out (so she could use the money to live off of) he said he couldn't afford to and had to sell. He got mad at her because he had to sell and hasn't talked to her for the past 15 years. My other brother forged my name on mortgage papers and my Mom kicked him out of a house deal and he hasn't talked to her in 25 years. Her dientia/Alzheimer's is having an adverse effect on my health and I'm afraid after she goes, I'll be left with having to deal with a bunch of complications from diabetes.

I cared for my mom for the last three years of her life, moving into her home, giving up a good job in another state, and selling my own home in order to let Mom age-in-place instead of a facility.

I got ZERO help from my 5 siblings. They all shunned me once Mom had passed, and I will NEVER speak to any of them again. The oldest sibling sexually assaulted myself and my little sister when we were just little girls. The other siblings have NO IDEA that the patriarch of what's left of the family is a child molester who cared only about discrediting me just in case I decided to tell his secret that I had kept for 50 years.

If I had had a weapon when Mom died, I would have shot this pedophile and happily spent the remainder of my life in a jail cell.

Caretaking brings out the WORST in dysfunctional families. I'm done with all of them.