He is suffering because of his mistakes, should I try and make him feel better?

Ask him to leave a statement about his perceived failures, and how, now that he realizes the extent of his mistakes, could he have done better if he had a last chance. Many could benefit from reading this type of information. By attempting to help those who follow with an unselfish act like sharing his knowledge, what he missed doing might help many to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Crying over spilled water don’t quite cut it, helping if only one person, leads to peace and enlightenment. God Bless and Inspire his life.

We all have made terrible mistakes, me included, and I suffer because of them but I can't undo what is done. I can't forgive myself and therefore how could someone else do so? I feel sorry, deeply sad, and knowing I did some mean things, that is the price I have to pay and that is just a fact of life. Just listen and let him talk - let him say what helps him and don't interfere. Just be patient and comforting. You can't undo what he did - none of us can.

kitchenwitch: For all intents and purposes, since you stated that the issues " may or may not be resolved before he dies," why are you trying to "hold him to account?" Ergo, if perhaps nothing can be done about it BEFORE he passes away, then what really is your motive? A piece of the puzzle appears to be lacking.

You keep referring to his mistakes, and without full disclosures of the mistakes, it is hard to really answer you. Whatever has been done, has been done. Sorrowfully, we all must reap what we sow and that includes pop. Continue to hold your head up high and gracefully!

This is all my Dad wants to talk about...his mistakes. I cannot change his past.
His family suffered( mom, sibling and myself.) and he didn't really seem to care.
I told him he might like to contact one of the pastors, ministers or priests that come to the ALF to care for the spiritual needs of the residents. Anyone but me. I can't carry this stuff anymore. I have also learned to shrug and say oh well.

I think this comes under the heading of "rumination"--replaying the past and wringing one's hands over it.


There are antidepressants that specifically target rumination. I would talk to a geriatric psychiatrist about this.

Accountability isn't something that can be elicited. What you really need to decide, kitchenwitch, is whether or not you can forgive your father for what he's done and for the consequences that you and others are having to continue to pay on his behalf as a result. That will help determine how you proceed.

In my case, honestly, the answer that I came to just this morning is, No. What my parents have done and the consequences I have had to pay as a result for them is not forgivable. They weren't simply errors or misguided judgments: they were decades-long strings of poor decisions and lack of decisions founded in denial, neglect, and the shirking of parental and personal responsibility. Their actions and lack of action not only left my sibling and me with permanent disabilities that have hampered the course of our lives: their denial and neglect have resulted in me having to make decisions no one should ever have to make for someone else, including having to set in motion circumstances that will ultimately result in a horrible fate for my sibling.

Knowing I was not responsible for the situation or that there was nothing I could do to change it honestly doesn't help make it any easier to deal with. My parents spent decades avoiding a situation (despite my begging), and now *I* will have to live with what happens next for the rest of my days. 

I'm going to make some therapist rich for years to come once I find one, that's for sure. My mental and physical health have been destroyed.

Like you, I've struggled with anger, frustration, and sadness, and the desire for my father to acknowledge the truth, extent, and ramifications of my parents' mistakes. (My mother is deceased.) But he hasn't. He never will. He has dementia now, but there'd be no accountability even if he didn't.

Santalynn noted that "You work with what you have in front of you; some things will be adequate, some things will just be 'cut your losses'." After many months of struggling, I've come to realize the things I have to work with are inadequate. All I can do to save what's left of my self (and my husband and my marriage) is to cut my losses and walk away.

That decision, too, I will have to face until the end of my days. I don't want to cause anyone any more suffering, not even my father. But some actions and hurts cannot be transcended. When a hurt is so large that continuing to be involved with someone translates, in effect, to you allowing your wounds to be reopened again and again and again, that's voluntary torture. The better path for reacting to that kind of situation is to avoid it in the first place.

Forgiveness is a wonderful and noble ideal IF whatever has been done is something actually forgivable. Only you can decide whether it is. But scary as it is, sometimes there is no way to move on except to actually move on.

Kitchen, I think that -- since it sounds like these mistakes can never be resolved or improved on -- there isn't any benefit in letting him 'feel what he feels' and especially at any expense to you. From the limited information here, I think there is a psychological and possibly biological reason for your dad's mental condition and behaviors. Rumination was mentioned; there are other things, too, that will only progress with age/dementia, like obsessive behaviors. Rumination mental processes and OCD behaviors are different but share some common themes. Whatever the reason, treating the symptoms here seems to me the best option. What good place could it go to if this continues and your dad suffers and you suffer, too? I think you should screen for underlying reasons (dementia, mental conditions) for this, if you can, before attributing it as being due to his behavior in the past. And either way, I think the best thing to do for everyone is to treat the symptoms.

I would consider the personality, the ease of communication and expectations.

Can you be honest? Tell him you see his anguish, you both know he’s hurt himself and others, and you’d like to understand why he made the choices he made. If he made selfish choices, what was in his past that bred selfishness? Maybe it’s an opportunity to become wiser.

Or if dad’s just having a pity party, and wants you to attend, why bother?

What effects on your wellbeing are the consequences of your father's decisions and actions currently having?

What could he do about it?

What can you do about it?