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My father is 86 and though not yet diagnosed, he is suffering from some type of dementia. He has always been pretty mean with a trigger temper. We'd like to keep him in his house until the very end. We've hired a home care professional that comes in every day for four hours. He's terribly mean to her and threatens to kick her out -- and does kick her out -- often. When I try to explain that we are helping him, he says he's not a two year old -when actually he is. He wears diapers and poops in them and doesn't want to change them or bathe. He won't eat except for chips and sweets. He's even pooped on the floor and denied it. He's in a state of constant combat. Everything is a fight! Everything! Even when I get him calmed down and try to make sense of everything, he stops, gets angry and hangs up on me, or if I'm there, he starts cussing and shuts down the conversation and leaves the room. He wants to move in (sometimes) with my sister who lives about 15 mins away. He's stayed there after surgeries and a stroke in 2010, and just refuses to accept that it is HER house, disrespects her children and their privacy, etc. He believes family should be taking care of him, but I live 2.5 hours away and come down once a month to cook and stock his freezer with food. My sisters go over every day and it normally turns into a fight. One of them does provoke him, but it normally comes after he's strongly resisted following some rule, like bathing, changing his clothes and mainly his diaper, throwing out spoiled food and making sure he doesn't eat it. We've threatened him with a nursing home, which he doesn't want. He believes his family should take care of him, but can't see that we are! Help!!

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Has your father seen his doctor? All of this behavior should be reported to his doctor and while there's no medication for downright meanness there is anti-anxiety medication that may help your dad if his doctor thinks it's appropriate.

And if your dad is suffering from some form of dementia trying to reason with him is useless, a waste of time, and will only serve to frustrate everyone involved including your father. Dementia damages a person's ability to reason. Elderly people with normal reasoning skills don't poop on the floor and then deny it. Get him to the doctor.
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Feenix, go to the bottom of this page to the blue section.... click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE... lot of excellent articles in relation to what your Dad is going through.

You may want to have Dad checked for an Urinary Tract Infection as such an infection in an older person can show such traits.

Also, never threatened an elder "with going to a nursing home" because there may be a time when Dad needs a much higher skill of care, thus a village to look after him, and a nursing home would be your only choice. 
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I know I sound like a broken record...but this book is so helpful I’m recommending it again. Loving Hard to Love Parents by PAUL Chavetz. It is a short read but so helpful with tips to communicate with difficult parents and trying to understand them. Like another person said, you have to give up trying to reason with a person who has dementia. Doesn’t work and frustrating for you. As family you are helping him just not in the way he expects. Helping a parent doesn’t mean giving up your life or cow towing to their demands. It means making right decisions based on your abilities, skills, and practicalities. You must give up on an unrealistic notion of making his life perfect as he wishes it. You do what is best in his and YOUR interests. The care he needs to live out his life in safety is the bottom line. Have a family meeting...and please all of you read that book. Hoping for a good outcome for you. Keep in touch.
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feenix, that’s a lot to handle! If he’s a candidate for staying at home.. I hope the reading and a visit to a doctor will help asap... for what it’s worth, I’d get a male caregiver, soo many men act and lash out with women in ways they wouldn’t try with a guy.
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You can also go to youtube and watch Teepa Snow videos about dealing with someone with dementia. It's difficult when the person has been mean all of their life - it's hard to tell what is dementia and what is their natural mean behavior. Bottom line, his safety is the biggest concern. Get him to the doctor and get him assessed and then you can figure out the best course of action.

And you have to realize that the roles have also shifted. With your dad's lack of reasoning ability, you and your siblings are now the parents and you're taking care of him like you would a young child. You don't listen to what he wants, you do what is safest and healthiest for him. Reasoning with a toddler is a lost cause and trying to reason with someone with dementia is also a lost cause. Their brain is broken and they can't reason. Come back here frequently - we understand and care.
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It sounds like your doing it. My dad was a pooper too. Even in public. Caught him behind truck, while I took mom in shopping. Vascular dementia. Parents believed I should of moved back home for me to take care of them. At the time I was already married 38 years lived 45 minutes away. We got care in the home. Pooping stage changed. Dad passed. I thought he would live forever. Mom has different form of dementia. Already 4+ years on this journey. I still keep up with my routine with mom. My point to you is. Keep dad safe. It sounds like you have good support from siblings, and caregiver. Try not to let the guilt get the better of you. Easier said than done. I still go through it.
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Thank God for this site and lots of good advice. As previously noted I would get his doctor involved for advice. I’ve seen this before with a friend’s parent and she had to seek counseling because she felt so awful and helpless. So hard to comprehend such changes in character. Less than three months after my father passed away my mother became very angry. I told her that I love her and here for her and to call me anytime. I probably won’t call her for awhile as the last visit and past two phone calls were depressingly awful. I’m thinking if I back off maybe she will come around and not take her anger out on me. Otherwise I’m afraid this how our relationship will end. Wishing you the best with your father.
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It sounds like he needs some medications to try to stabilize his behavior. He may have a UTI. It also sounds that he is not safe to be at home alone, he needs a higher level of care. Why does he go to sis's house after a hospitalization. That is very difficult even under the best of circumstances (and this isn't it). Not fair to your sis either. Next time get him to rehab for the necessary care.
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All of the suggestions so far are right on the mark. There are a lot of issues to address. I’d like to add joining a support group.

To address your initial concern, I’m just asking you this. Have you asked him what his idea of “taking care of him” means to him? You are actually caring for him but he may mean something completely different. As my husband’s dementia has progressed, his ability to explain what he means has dropped drastically. I have become pretty good at interpreting but it takes me awhile to make the connection. For example, recently he said his knee was freezing and started pulling up his pants leg. He then started walking around the room showing his leg to people. I started to think what might make his knee cold. I walked over to him and asked if he needed to go to the bathroom. He looked at me with relief and said, “yes”. It may take some work but addressing what he really is asking is worth the effort.
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"...do more research on dementia." Best advice you've given to yourself! But include your sisters. I did most of the research when I could see mom changing, and tried to pass this on to my brothers. One would eventually get it, the other, not so much. As others have said, you cannot reason with dementia, so there's no point in trying. It can get very frustrating trying to just talk with anyone who has this, but with time and effort, you can learn to change your own behavior and response (sister who provokes him needs to learn to stop that!)
Suggestion of a male care-giver might help. More often than not, when dementia patients lash out it is usually at the person they see the most or who provides the assistance, or perhaps whoever happens to be there at the moment.
This is a work in progress, so get educated and start learning how to live in their moment, redirect them away from whatever is distressing them, and if need be, walk away when they become agitated - come back later and try try again! When all else fails, AL (memory care more than likely for a pooper!) or nursing home, whatever he can afford...
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