I am having such a hard time caring for mother. What's the best course of action?

Your have a lot going on here but I want to address at least one issue. Caregiver Burn Out is very real and should be given more weight into your decisions. You are to no good to your mother or yourself if you are trying to do to much. A one on one, for a total care patient is unreasonable. We see it all the time but it does not make it right.

Finances permitting, the first thing is getting an aide to come in for at least 3 hours per day. Have them do all the morning care and breakfast. You leave the house for some "me time". Recharge your batteries.

Above all should not look at going into a skilled home for care as failure or neglect on your part. At this point your mother has reached the point I believe you are asking about. You just may not see it. The fact she does not know who you are is rather telling.

One other thing. We speak of the here and now, but remember it only gets worse.

I am sorry if I sound to clinical, but as a home nurse I have seen this over and over and it is my best advice.

I agree with all of the above, especially the "white lie" and the geri-psych ward.

This hard--so you have to get tough and do what might have seemed unthinkable a while ago. You have to be the grown-up.

A stay in a Geri-psyc ward in a hospital to find a medication that will calm her without doping her up may be a solution. My friend's health insurance paid for this when she became uncooperative with her care. It won't clear up the confusion, but will make her easier to manage. And the stay there gives you some respite. For my friend, it took 3 1/2 weeks to find the right combination of drugs. During that time her husband's birthday and their wedding anniversary came and I made sure they were together for a while on those days. She had no idea of these things anymore and the husband no longer remembered them either, but they enjoyed those times when I explained why we were doing this.

You situation sounds so similar to mine. My mom showed signs off and on for maybe 2 years before we told her she couldn't live by herself anymore. She moved in with me and my now 21 year old daughter. We didn't have to do that much at first, but over those 5 years as each week went on, it became more and more we had to do for her. She would sometimes go for the weekend at my brother and sister's houses but she would be mean before she left saying she didn't want to go. Last Thanksgiving she had 3 falls in one week and I had to tell my brother and sister they would have to get her every weekend or I was going to have a breakdown. This started and I also was blessed to find a wonderful lady who would come into the house and stay with her while I was at work. So she was at my house Sunday through Friday night and my siblings would have her Friday night through Sunday mid day. It did help because I was able to at least breath for a little bit on the weekends. It's so hard taking care of an adult. I never knew how hard until going through this. My mother too was confused about what was happening to her. I tried to explain it the best I could and would always tell her not to worry because we were going to take care of her. We were moving closer to having to make a decision of nursing home about 2 weeks before she passed away. She decided to stop eating, taking meds and was in inpatient hospice for about a week and a half and then went home to be with Jesus. I know God won't put more on you than you can bear, I'm a living testimony for that. As hard as it was, he was always there for me and I don't regret the time I had with my mother. I will pray for you that you can find some good answers for your situation. I hope you have family that can help you and you can also look into respite care that could give you a much needed break.

You may try the "white lie" approach. Arrange to have her admitted to a care facility and say the "doctor" has "ordered" that she be thoroughly examined and observed for a week or so...the "week" will never end, of course. Of course, finances are a likely major problem. Perhaps she will be eligible for Medicaid.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

Make sure she does not have urinary infections first.These often look exactly like dementia.

Sorry for your troubles - this is an agonizing time and there is no perfect solution - after years of being my mom's caregiver I placed her in a memory care facility 4 months ago - while I have some relief from the stress of direct care the situation is no easier and is now costing thousands of dollars a mnth - she is scared to death in the facility due to the other residents - I want to bring her home but she hates having caregivers in the house (hence the move to a facility)

If you can afford to hire help at home then do so - you may find you will need to try several out before finding the right one - agencies can run about $20/hour with a 20 hour / week min. If you hire on your own then you will need to cover social security taxes and workers comp insurance

Are you the sole caregiver for your mom?

The dementia will progress to the point that she will think she is fine, MOST of the time. My mom ten years after diagnosis would still get terribly upset those infrequent times when she knew something was wrong. And she would get very upset with reality often, like when I would tell her the man sitting with her on the couch is her husband, or that I am her daughter. There were times when she thought I was lying to her about who I am, and wanted me to leave. There were many times she wanted her husband to go home. There were times when she thought her husband's daughter was his girlfriend. And the time that she got so angry with him because he had this daughter and it sure wasn't mom's daughter so he must have had an affair. They got married when mom was 80. She was diagnosed soon after.

So, the things your mom gets upset about will change as the dementia progresses. I, personally, do not think there is any such thing as happily demented 100% of the time. There will always be things that are nor part of HER reality that will have her in tears, angry, fruatrated, you name it.