Any tips on having conversation about moving to ALF?


Mom lives alone in home and says nighttime care is too expensive. Mom wants to stay in her home with her dog and has been unwilling to have "the conversation" about considering moving to ALF and selling her house. Siblings feel she can make decisions for herself. She has dementia but is not declared of incapacity. She is depressed and lonely most of the time, and says she is ready to die. She allowed me to set up hired care givers to come to fix simple meals or take her to the doctor. I live 8 hours away, visit every month and am POA. She DOES have the money but does not want to spend it on her own care. She thinks it would be hiring someone to sleep in her house and is not rationale about safety concerns. Siblings feel that ALF is out of the question because Mom doesn't want that.

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Thanks Countrymouse-
We did just that. One sibling says his kids are on their own and he can't control if his daughters take Grandma shopping for groceries for her and new boots for themselves ($150/pair). And he at first denied taking any money, then said exactly as you say "Mom likes to give more money to one of her children/grandchildren and you are just jealous." Now that sibling is in denial again and acting like other problems are of more concern; that I didn't thank him for arranging the pool service to clean mom's pool when it is so he can have mom pay for his pool cleaning service!
How miserable can you be to pray upon your mother to pay for cleaning your crap!
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Rhonda, truly I understand the tongue-swallowing frustration of all this. With your mother's cash gifts, could you make any headway approaching your siblings and the grandchildren and pointing out to them the sheer unethical lousiness of taking money from their elderly loved one? The difficulty is that as long as your mother is doing this willingly and 'knowingly' (Gawd help us), even if you catch them in the act you can't stop her.

I'll tell you what though. What you can do is add up, and keep records, and perhaps - using neutral terms and keeping your face as calm as possible - get them together and confront them with the accumulated sums they've taken from her.

Again, though: if their comeback is that she wanted to give them the money, and doing so makes her happy, and who are they to refuse? - then I don't know the answer.
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Thank you Countrymouse and Martha627-
I have financial POA. My brother who lives very close has medical POA but is afraid to execute any authority. My mother was determined by psychiatrist within 6 months to still have the capacity to make her own decisions with assistance. Like, what the h*ll does that mean? They don't want to make waves is my best guess!
So, little happens without me other than my mother giving money to my siblings and their children. I cannot stop it because there is no evidence. If I install cameras the money gifting would happen under a table in another room. I am not confident that I could watch 24/7 in order to catch a thief. I have limited resources and time; I am primary care giver for my adult son with disability. I think you are right that it is a waiting game and maybe I am impatient with all the needs from others.On the other hand, I am really ready to slam the phone down and just move her myself and take over her finances. But, I do not have medical POA so how would that play out?
This is really helpful to hear others with similar and different situations. There is no right answer without a crystal ball. Keep your thoughts coming friends; I appreciate it all.
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As stated above: "Siblings feel she can make decisions for herself. She has dementia but is not declared of incapacity."

That might be something else to consider, but until it has been Rhonda's mother calls the shots.
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Countrymouse...No she doesn't have 'capacity' as Rhonda has already written:
"any emergency situation such as fire or theft she would not be able to manage due to dementia and physical frailty, as well she has had a couple of hallucinations (sun downing) and opened the front door for strangers she imagined."
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Yes, but Martha although Rhonda has POA her mother still has capacity and therefore still makes all the decisions. It's a waiting game; and while you're waiting keep doing your best with gentle, imaginative persuasion. For example, Rhonda, with things like grab rails, you can get estimates for the work and line someone up to install them; then it's a rubber stamp job waiting for your mother to give the go ahead. I know this doesn't always work - my neighbour, 15 years younger than my mother, had the most glamorous bath aid you can imagine and kindly (or proudly!) showed it off to her. Mother was pretty ungracious about even going to look at it, let alone consider getting one herself. Well! - you can only try.

I think a nicely-turned handrail can lend a certain chic to a hallway, myself...
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Report have what you need to do.
The ladies that do the shopping for her are paid employees...they do what they are paid to do or you fire them and hire people that will.
Either your mother is stashing the cash or giving it to someone.
Cameras are around $1625 for the entire system and you can easily install them in the home.
I would immediately if we had outside caregivers.
As far as adult siblings...same thing. Either they do what you want or they don't come around. Simple.
My eldest son was living with my mother at one time and I had him legally evicted because he was using her money and food my brother was buying for her...for himself.
If she refuses the safety issues...then you implement them anyway.
If you've actually tried to offer her choices and you hit a brick wall..then you make the decisions.
Ask yourself this...what can you live with...your mother being mad because you implemented safety procedures or her falling down the stairs, breaking her neck, and either being in a wheelchair or dying?
My brother and I take care of my mom. I go every morning and Saturday brother on Wednesday afternoon and Sunday. Our sister (older than me)...came down 3 years ago for 2 weeks...that was the first time in about 10 years. haven't seen her since. And we don't dwell on it. Life is too short and i prefer enjoying it.
My sister is missing out...I love taking care of my mom...even as crazy as it gets at times...and it does get crazy...she used to be quite hateful and physically abusive...I just practiced love & patience and prayed it would end and it all the phases she goes's a chess makes a move...we make a move.
But she took care and raised could I not do the same for her?
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Thank you all-
Awesome thoughts and focus. And yeah Martha627 I really love your story; right on!
The bank has contacted APS months ago due to large sums of money being taken from ATM when Mom uses credit card and checks almost exclusively. Not sure why she has to have around $1200 a month in cash...
My mother owns a car for other people to drive her places, she does not drive.
I like all the healthy food choices, but I can't from my home manage such details with the ladies who mostly do the shopping for her.
She has refused anything that would improve safety or mobility near the stairwell, the toilet, the front door, etc These were all offered as ideas and she chose to decline them all. I want her to have options but it is such a weight for me.
Maybe the better question is how to get along with adult siblings who do not see the degree of disability or have secondary gains ($$$) and would rather let it go than invest the time.
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Report did get part that she asked for help with the conversation...right? I'm well aware of where she lives and that she visits her mother and hence gave suggestions to help with her mother. All of the suggestions I gave...were to help her move toward the actual conversation. One great way to upset someone...especially an elderly person...who doesn't want to have this to be pushy and tell them what they should do instead of being kind and make it their decision based on giving them practical choices and at the same time...making them feel needed. Similar to how you addressed me...quite impolite.
Go back and re-read what I wrote. I'm talking about visiting...staying with her for short periods of time...this type of interaction helps an elderly person realize that change can be a positive experience...similar to what a parent does with a child experiencing separation anxiety.
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Martha627, you did get the part about RhondaAllison living 8 hours away, right? And you realize she is not trying to have a conversation about bringing Mom to live with her. You have some good, practical suggestions. I'm just puzzled about how some of them fit this situation.
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