Recently my daughter and her cousin took their babies to visit their grandmother who was brought out of nursing care in a wheel chair to see them away from the unit.
Since then, she has been singing, "I have no cares in the world, no babies to take care of, no job to go to," Is she happy? or lamenting loss? Or both? She sings sentences a lot and is on an antidepressant that seems to have helped her though I don't know that she was ever clinically depressed.
She then started hinting (2nd time in 1.5 years) she'd like to come live at my house (daughter in law). She and her husband chose to go to this state of the art retirement community with nursing care almost 20 years ago and never mentioned they would want any other care.
She is in nursing care, is physically incompetent, in depends, is lifted in and out of bed but is able to got to meals. She is in early dementia...acts developmentally like a 10 year old. She is not being moved, in other words.
We are getting comments though such as , "Children used to take care of their parents, suggesting she is not, at least the way she NOW wants, though, again she and her husband made the decision that this scenario would be their end of lives scenarios. We didn't put them there. They did.
She aims such comments toward daughters-in-law, not her own six children.
I am finding I have to avoid being alone with her (must be with my husband), because that keeps her from singling me out with guilt-inducing statements.
By the way, she is in one of the best nursing facilities in the nation, and she is visited often by several local children, grandchildren, and not greats. She is not being neglected.
We think these babies triggered jealousy that she was/is not the center of attention, and she may indeed herself feel infantile or perceive a generational shift where she will have no control or in which she will not be a part for much longer.
Can you shed light on what's really going on?
P.S. Her husband had trouble with boundaries even before he became hyper sexual with Parkinson's. Made passes at daughters in law and, thus, caused us to keep our daughters out of his reach. We had to put up more than normal boundaries, then, and may appear cold. My MIL does not know these stories. We didn't want to destroy her marriage.
She goes after us to solve larger family "issues" but not her own children.
Obviously, I, thus, have never liked being around my husband's family of origin dynamic. The wife wore the pants in the family.
My saintly father became my husband's emotional father and role model.
Going after the inlaws and not her own children is passive aggressive behavior and best ignored at this stage.
No matter what, she is living at her last address this side of the grass. So blow the jabs off.
You are doing great just seeing her with your spouse, keep it up.