My wife is POA for my mother in law. Both medical and financial. My mother in law was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe dementia. My sister in law lives with her and has been coercing her financially and emotionally. We had a televisit with my mother inlaws doctor, and the sister came into the room and hijacked the medical appointment. She was speaking for my MIL and the doctor was so concerned by it he contacted APS.
Long story short, my sister in law is abusing my MIL both financially and emotionally. She can no longer live with her mom. We are taking steps to evict her and she has nowhere to go. Legally, she cannot live with my MIL anymore.
My wifes family are siding with my sister in law and demanding that she be given access to my mother in law's finances. My MIL is on social security. What they are asking is super illegal, wife has cancelled my mother in laws credit card to protect her. My sister in law is manipulating the extended family into siding with her. What she's doing is extremely cruel to my 87 year old MIL. She has to go.
How do we break it to my wife's family that the sister will be evicted to protect my MIL? They are unwilling to accept the gravity of the situation. My wife is super depressed because she will be the bad guy in the situation, but all she is doing is protecting her mom from abuse, and she is legally obligated to do so. Once my Sister in law is out, we will move in to care for the mom.
Any advise on how to deal with my inlaws in this situation would be greatly appreciated. It's weighing very heavily on my wife.
Once mom is in the apartment, and furnishings moved, we will tell the rest of the family. We have backing of doctors and others. This is the plan.
The facility reminds me of a nice hotel. She can go to the dining room, which is basically a restaurant, and order food whenever she wants. She can order food delivered to her room if she so chooses. We will be month to month the first three months. If MIL doesn't like it, we can find another place without financial penalty. It's a good deal. Appreciate all the help folks.
Well done to you and your wife. Hugs for her, I know having to play hardball is hard for her, give her a big warm hug - everyday!
Don't forget to stop and breathe when it gets overwhelming.
I wish you the best in your new adventures! That goes for MIL,too!
We both took the day off from work. I contacted several memory care places where she could live semi independently, and we decided on one that gets super good reviews. I spoke to the executive director and told her what the situation is and she expedited things and we are going there today to talk with them. Our goal is to get MIL out of the house today, even if my wife has to go to a hotel with her for a few days in the interim. Having said that, we will see if we can get her placed TODAY.
Then we will talk with a realtor and tomorrow we will go to the courthouse and start the eviction. But getting mom out ASAP is priority because we don't want APS to step in
I would like to thank this forum for all the wonderful advise. Our anxiety is starting to lift
You should request a restraining order when you do the eviction. She could potentially be dangerous and she has already proven she she will do damage and blame your wife.
I can understand why the rest of the family is against her being evicted, they're afraid she'll ask to live in their home and nobody wants a mentally unstable house mate.
I, personally, would not stay at my mom's house with a batchit crazy sister angry and evicted on the loose, not without a firearm and my husband or others there. This is Dateline stuff if you're not careful.
Your wife is POA and now in control. She has to get that attitude. She can tell her sister nothing about Moms finances. Sister should have never had access to Moms money. If she is using Moms SS on herself, thats illegal.
Thanks for your answers and participating in the Forum.
My question for you is that your SIL HAS SS herself, according to you, of 2,500 a month and Mom has NOTHING but her home, and a very small SS which you claim SIL is lving off of.
My question now is that once SIL is evicted from Mom's home
WHO WILL BE TAKING CARE OF MOM?
Because anyone who IS will have a right to SOME compensation for it, I am certain you must know? Or is the plan now to PLACE MOM IN CARE.
I think I will withdraw my suggestion that the "abuser" should be removed at once.
I cannot judge from all you say that the relationship with Mom and SIL isn't working for them both.
I will leave that in the hands of APS and the court, and the court is already scheduled.
Once there are authorities in place doing their job, the opinions of members of a world wide Forum who don't know any of the individuals and who only get one side of things, and likely not the best to make these decisions.
I will leave this to the courts.
Thanks for participating and I very much hope you will update us after the court session.
My SIL has been committed to a mental ward three times against her will in the last year.
The plan is to get SIL out of the house ASAP, then wife will take care of MIL until we get her in a memory care facility. If for whatever reason we cannot get SIL out immediately, we will have to move my wife's mom to our house or my wife's brothers house until SIL is out. Selling house and moving mom to memory care where she can feel happy, safe, and relieved for the remainder of her days.
Having said this, I just read some of these replies to her, and we agree for the most part. Realistically, my mother in law is fading pretty quickly. We don't anticipate she will live much longer than another year. She has a gorgeous house and it's worth quite a bit of money - just over $1 mil. It would sell for enough to pay for a couple years of care if necessary, and still have a nice inheritance for my wife and her two siblings. Perhaps this is the logical way to go. Appreciate all the realistic feedback
I also agree to move MIL into MC, versus you and wife moving in her home. That makes you two look bad, like you are similar to SIL. Plus Mom going through 2 moves is much harder on her. You will need to change locks and I'd put some cameras up once SIL is out, she may try to come back and sneak in. Or send others to do her bidding.
If Mom only has SS income, the SIL was probably trying to use her credit cards and live free, planning to inherit the entire house eventually. SIL could have been telling extended family they would get a cut. Why else would they support her activities?
Best to get a good real estate agent lined up, who is aware of the situation. It will take 30 days to get SIL out after she is served. Many things could happen in those 30 days. If Mom is safely placed, house stays vacant and prepped for sale, you have another set of eyes on the property. I would be worried about "revenge" behavior. SIL has been boss a long time, and won't let that go without a fight.
Good luck to you to get through this difficult situation!
As far as relatives, they are just clueless and the gravity and illegality of what has been happening escapes them. There is no plot. Regardless, MIL has dementia and cannot change the will.
Tomorrow we go to court to get SIL evicted, hopefully we can do a 3 day eviction. My wife has all the proof she needs and has documented everything for months,. Also, SIL moved in with no rental agreement. We are talking with memory care Orgs to get Mom placed. Will have wife talk with realtor tomorrow. We can get fair market value and a neighbor previously expressed interest in purchasing the home. Appreciate your reply
Stay in close contact with your local APS.
As POA it is crucial to see that only the POA is now signee for all finances.
What are the plans now for placement of the MIL? Where will she be?
If her caregiver is evicted (as she should be, and at once) by the POA, then this is legal and in the hands of attorneys. What the rest of the family things about any of it is entirely irrelevant. See to it MIL is safely placed and that her finances are protected and that SIL is evicted. Whether she goes into caregiving somewhere else, or to a shelter, is not your problem. The problem is getting an abuser out of the home, LEGALLY and AT ONCE.
If APS has opened this case then they can assist you in having an abuser removed from the household.
Having APS find that the live in daughter is exploiting a vulnerable elder puts your wife on the firing line because she accepted the appointment as POA, that makes her a legal fiduciary. She could realistically be prosecuted for not stopping it when it was revealed.
I am sorry for your wife but, she really does not have a choice at this point, she must act.
Take the paperwork from APS and go to the court house and file a legal eviction notice, have it served by a constable, marshal, whatever it is called in your state.
Moving in to take care of your MIL does open your wife up to all kinds of family drama, false allegations and other abuse. Don't do it! Your MIL owns a home that can be sold and the proceeds used to provide top of the line placement, who cares if there is anything left for inheritance.
Having said this, I just read some of these replies to her, and we agree for the most part. Realistically, my mother in law is fading pretty quickly. We don't anticipate she will live much longer than another year. She has a gorgeous house and it's worth quite a bit of money - just over $1 mil. It would sell for enough to pay for a couple years of care if necessary, and still have a nice inheritance for my wife and her two siblings. Perhaps this is the logical way to go. Appreciate all the realistic feedback
The sister should move out still, give her ample time to relocate. If she was there as a caregiver,her job is done. It's not about her,it's about what's good for MIL. This is the stuff that divides family, it happens a lot! Unless they live with the loved ones, they'll never understand. It's very logical not to put yourselves into the situation, MIL will be safe and cared for. I always laughed and told my mom she was getting the royal treatment, waited on hand and foot! And I was relieved from the stress, don't feel bad, you deserve to have peace of mind.
As for the rest of the family, you do not need to tell them anything.
Read around this site, you will confirm what a bad idea it is to move in with your MIL.
The home that mom is currently in should be placed on the market and sold. If her sibling wish to purchase it to give your SIL a place to live that is up to them.
The house is to be sold for FAIR MARKET VALUE. No "friends and Family discount"
The money then should be used to place your MIL in a memory Care facility.
any other assets MIL has will be used to pay for her care while. After she dies any assets remaining to be used to pay off debts she has and then and only then will the executor distribute what remain to the heirs..
Your wife is in a tough position.
Support her. Tell her that she is making all the right and more importantly legal decisions.
As tough as it is if necessary she can limit visitation when your MIL is in Memory Care. She can either prohibit visits or allow visits with supervision.
Your wife is POA so other avenues are open to you. Wife makes the decision to evict SIL and does it. Wife finds and completes admission to memory care facility, where mom will have 24/7 care, friends, activities, and a team of caring aides to look after her. Wife sells mom's house and uses proceeds to pay for memory care. The money that's left becomes mom's estate when she passes.
Mom chose your wife as POA because she has the qualities that mom thought would make her a good one. The clacking and clamoring of all the relatives is nothing, and wife has to start realizing that she is doing what mom wanted, there is nothing wrong with that no matter how many relatives object, and she kindly tells the family so. If she's worried about a nuclear reaction from said family, this discussion can take place in a lawyer's office where the lawyer explains to everyone. Money for the lawyer comes out of mom's accounts, not yours. This would be the best and most professional way to handle this, IMO.
In other words, wife has the power. She seizes it instead of crying her eyes out over a family rift. Some meds for depression mught be in order as well.
Now go read why you shouldn't move in with mom.