Has this happened to you?

This is a sign of depression. Why are you doing this for your GRANDmother? Where are your parents in this situation?

I’m a writer and so know exactly what you’re talking about. To be creative takes a particular kind of energy. You have to be focused, in the zone, and free from distraction. You also have to be well rested or else you won’t be inspired. When I’m caregiving, it sucks the creativeness right out of me because all my energy goes to one thing, there isn’t any left for myself and doing what I enjoy. It also not something I can only do once a week. It has to be several times a week or all I write is crap. I lose the flow.

Now, I’m in the same boat as you. I haven’t written a word since last April - nearly a year. It makes me sad, I’m left feeling unfulfilled, and I know if I could find the time it would make caregiving easier, because it’s doing something I love that’s just for me.

It all boils down to time, and I haven’t got any. That’s just my reality right now. Even with a caregiver 3 times a week for my MIL, that just frees me up so I can go caregive my OWN parents! If you can get a PSW in to free you up some hours, do it.

Before all of this happened, I was working on my novel for 2.5 hours a day, 7 days a week, if not more. It’s not something I can pick and and put back down once a week.

I just keep telling myself that this is temporary, and this too shall pass.

I am a quilter. There is nothing I would rather do than cut big pieces of fabric into small pieces, then sew them back together in large pieces. For the past 2 1/2 years, I could not get excited about sewing. Every day, I would get up, go into the living room and look at my sewing machine. Then grab a book and quilt and make myself a nest on the sofa and not budge.
All my fellow guild members would ask what I was working on and I would just shrug, say I just couldn't get motivated,even though I have enough fabric to last me at least another 50 years.
My good friend (also a quilter) whose hubby had PD and DM ( she's the one who told me to set a timer for 30 mins and have a pity party, then go wash my face and get on with my life), finally got tired of hearing me, told me to just go sit at the machine and sew something, anything,scraps etc. Just do SOMETHING sewing related. And it worked. And I am sewing and I feel so much better.
So,my advice - just pick up your sketch pad and look out the window and draw. Or draw your pet sleeping. Or just slap some paint on a canvas. It doesn't have to be or mean anything. Let your muscle memory take over and you will feel better. HUGS to you all.

Having read through all the answers, this is what I think.

It is not a bad thing to start considering a nursing home. If something happens to you, that is exactly where Grandma is going to go since no one else in your home is capable or willing to carry the load.

I'm sure it has been drummed into your head (as is my case), "If you want to be great in God's kingdom, learn to be the servant of all." (That's actually a poor paraphrase of Mark 10:43. but that's the way it is taught to children.) But let's look at the story of Mary and Martha. Who served? Martha, she was the one who took care of everyone and everything. But who did Jesus say had chosen the better thing? Mary, who sat with Jesus and his other followers listening to what he spoke.

So the choice, to me is -- Do I want to be great in God's kingdom? Or do I want to choose the better thing? You know what? I really have no interest in being "great" in God's kingdom! I just want to be in the presence of the King! Sometimes I am in the presence of the King while I am serving. Sometimes the serving has to stop when it becomes too all-encompassing or when the joy in serving is gone.

When I lose my desire to serve (willing heart) and start to feel more like a slave (obligation) then it is time to step back and ask God what he is saying. Do I need an attitude adjustment? Or do I need to let go and move on?

Have you taken on a burden or responsibility that perhaps God didn't give you? Just something to think about. (Sorry for getting preachy!)

Oh how I can relate to this. At one point I was a semi-professional artist. That is, was represented by a very good gallery, had the occasional one person show, was in group shows, I worked in museums. Semi-professional=doesn't sell much work, has to work to pay bills! But, I'd carved out a life as I wanted, and it was ok-not for everyone, but ok. Anyways, fast forward to now.....second husband has had numerous health issues over the past few years, and I noticed the light caregiving I was doing, it was draining what reserves I had left to paint. Or draw or anything much creatively. He was/is quite supportive....but.....now with dementia....I'm toast. Just can't seem to get the traction to even do simple drawings. It's so frustrating. I try to tell myself "one day this will be over, I'll be able to paint again, and it's going to be so different than what I was doing". That seems to help, but it's not easy.....
I hope this question persists here, that there will be many other people who can write about this. Thanks for letting me vent about this, been on my mind awhile.

Hi there

I too really enjoy my painting..... also hit a bad patch and lost my mojo but here's the thing.

I find that if you pick up a paint brush.....do not plan your piece.....just let the brush do the work and you'll be amazed what transpires.

I did this and wow. It just happened, my inspiration came back because I saw that my soul could create without my mind being involved.

The piece was amazing and probably the best I've ever done.

So your Moms in her 50s? I can understand the burn out. But I don't understand why you should be left doing all the work with 3 younger siblings. All should be given certain responsibilities to help Mom. Dad should also be helping his wife. Is this a cultural thing?

Grandmom is too much for Mom and at 23 you should be living your life. It maybe time to place Gma into a nice Nursing Home. If this is a cultural thing then I understand why that may not be an option. If she has no money, then Medicaid can be applied for.

I can understand your situation.   Have you asked other family members to pitch in and help since your sister will soon (if not already) be a student?   You shouldn't be taking on "mostly all the work".   What other members could be involved, and is there a reason they aren't?

As to art work, the muse can be fickle.   Sometimes it thrives on stress.  I did most of my portrait drawings when I worked as a court reporter, and often came home very stressed after hearings for difficult and disgusting defendants.   It wasn't unusual to spend hours at night just sketching.   It rechanneled the tension from work and seeing how frightening some criminals can be.

If you don't have the energy, and I understand that, what about viewing and observing art work that normally would inspire you?   I lost interest in quilting for some time, then found some old Keepsake Quilting catalogues.   In reviewing them for anything (such as landscape quilts), I found my interest regenerating itself.   Even if you don't have the stamina for artwork now, keep a collection of photos that inspire you, for later.    

Listen to favorite music as well; it'll help you to relax and think more creatively, especially if you review art work that inspires you.

Something else I did was to buy coloring books that weren't subject to copyright.   I Xeroxed them onto good quality paper, and made holiday cards from them, gradually improving my limited use of colored pencils.   A good art book with advice on shading really helped.

Set aside some "me time", and try to network with other local art groups.  I discovered the Colored Pencil Society of America, met members and was amazed at their skills.  All of this arose when I met one member at a nominally priced art group that met at the infusion center where my sister got chemo and rads.    All of the members had some relation to cancer, so there was that bonding that helped as well.

Ariadnee makes good points about historical periods offering inspiration.   I'm always amazed at the diversity of beautiful music created in periods when life was so much more challenging at a basic level.

You also wrote that "...no matter how hard I try to go back to the things I use to do I can’t".   I would disagree; I know how demanding it is to care for someone; it takes a lot of mental energy to find coping methods.   But unless you can't do something you used to do b/c of physical changes (i.e., such as getting old),there are other ways of "going back."   I think the question more is "how" than "can I"? 

One group of people who always inspire me are wounded soldiers, many with lost arms or legs.   Their injuries and recoveries often seem insurmountable.  Yet they try, and keep trying.  

You're so young to be a caregiver!

Tell me more about your situation. Caring for grandma. Cooking for my family? Trying keep "it" clean? Where are you living and with whom? You and your parents and grandma?

What are grandma's issues? Can she be alone?

So, as already stated by PeggySue, you sound depressed. You are probably burnt out with caregiving. It is a difficult and often thankless job. And now your sister is leaving and won't be able to help anymore. Definitely reasons to be a little depressed.

You might need therapy or meds or just a break from taking care of grandma.

I'm sure you will love to draw and paint again. Sometimes you can really push yourself and "fake it till ya make it". Other times, it's just too hard and if that's the case, you really need some outside help.

Take care of yourself.

How has your moms health declined to leave you as the primary caregiver?
What help is your dad? He should be helping out as well.
the loss of interest you describe can be 1 of 2 things (or both)
EXHAUSTION
DEPRESSION
Anyone that s or has been a caregiver knows both, has felt both.
For the first. You need help. There are agencies that can help. You have to do some of the work though (or get mom to do it) call Agency on Aging. Find out what help is available. Contact your local Senior Center ask if they know of any programs that might help. (can grandma get out? would she qualify for Adult Day Care?) Ask to talk to a Social Worker and ask what programs they know of that would help.
Would grandma qualify for Hospice? If so you would get a nurse that would visit 1 time a week. A CNA that would come at least 2 times a week to bathe her, dress her, maybe change the bedding if needed. And they would order supplies. you would get equipment that you need to care for her safely. And you can request a Volunteer that would come in and help out. They can not do direct patient care but light housework, sit with grandma so you can get out.
I have to be honest I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I was if it were not for the wonderful Hospice Team that I / we had.

The depression...you need to talk to someone. Talk to your primary doctor let them know what you are doing. If you need to talk to a professional do so.
I can tell you that you need time for yourself to be yourself. You are so very young you should not be bogged down as a full time caregiver.
I hope you are Journaling it will help with your writing, and sketches and doodles count as writing/journaling. Trust me journaling does help.