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Never "fake" something you don't feel. As stated above - just be quiet, kind, and dignified. We will be there with you -
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Jan, nice to read such an honest post. Bless you for all you have done. The break you are getting is well deserved and necessary for your mental/physical health. I don't see anything wrong with not feeling grief. You have gone above and beyond. Blessings and take care.
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Don't feel like you need to put on a show for people. If anyone gives you criticism remind them that you spent every day dealing with her decline while that person got on with their lives.
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Don't fake grief if there isn't any, I know how you feel, when my stepfather died, I had no grief, as he was not a good bad in my eyes , will not go into details but lets say did aweful things to me, my mother said to me why no tears didn't you love him, down came the tears but for her not him, later many years I told her the truth and she understands and is ok with it now, I will never understand how she could love him and still grieves for him 15 years later but that is not for me to know, just feel the way you feel, lots of prayers and hugs
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If you have no grief and glad to be in a quiet house then I feel you need to STOP being the caregiver...A total stranger could give her more caring feelings, come on people, you will be there sooner than you know
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We sent her to the ER Monday because she was ill with a UTI and vomiting and back pain. They believe she has a kidney stone, but they don't know what to do with her yet. She is getting weaker and weaker. Each visit my husband makes, he calls and lets me know how she is. I expect the calls and I want them, not to know that she is getting better, but to know that she isn't. She will be 93 in November. My grandson, I have babysat for since he was 11 days old, came to spend the day Tuesday and said "Yea, it's the best day ever! We don't have to hear her call you away from us and we can go outside if we want to". He does care for her, but he doesn't like spending all of his spare time visiting a "nursing home" . That's what people call our house now. They see the drug store delivering medication and medical supplies all the time and the ambulance coming and going with her several times. When they come to visit, they hear her call me out of the room to hers. She wants to know who is here and what they want even if she doesn't know them. My husband thinks we should bring her in the living room, but then we would have to bring the potty in also. That would not be dignified. So we don't, because we would never get her back into the bedroom in time to get her on it if she needed to go to it.

I guess I am burned out. Maybe I was a long time ago, though. You can't unburn paper. Can you fix burnout in caregivers? My husband had bought two pygmy goats to help graze a hill and I thought they were the best stress relievers I had ever had, but now his dog won't stop barking at them. Now there's some stress that I can't live with. I want to jerk that dog's vocal cords out!
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You don't have to fake grief. Many people have feelings like you have. You've had a very difficult time caring for a woman who you may not have been that close with. You've been grieving a long time over your "lost life." Now, you will get some of that life back. Just remain dignified and kind. You don't have to fake tears or real grief. You can rightful think and say, "At least she is done suffering" if a response is necessary. Take care of yourself,
Carol
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Dear, I feel like Im reading my own comments after reading yours. I know EXACTLY how you feel as I am in the same situation. Eerily to a tee. Your MIL isn't named Mary is she? lol But I know the absolute frustration you feel with your situation. The only thing I do is make sure I do something for myself every day. Which usually involves my computer. If I didnt have an outlet, I would have been gone a long time ago. Hang in there kiddo. Things will get better for you. If you have had this kind of patience for this long, you are a saint. So we should pat ourselves on the back for hangin in there!!!! Good luck to you!!!
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Everyone grieves differently. I didn't see any tears from my Mother for her husband of 33 years when he passed. It has been 4 years now and only maybe once have I seen her cry about him being gone. I love my mother and I grieve about daily for her. I don't know if I will be grieving when she passes. When my Dad passed I did not grieve. I am sorry, but he was so mean to me in life that I was relieved when he passed. I forgive him, but I don't have him constantly reminding me how great he is and how I am not what he wanted me to be. Whatever that was, he was not willing to contribute to it. All in all, I find that I am good enough because of what my Jesus did for me. I am what I am supposed to be. Sometimes, we just need it all to stop. But, that doesn't happen the way we want. We have to find more patience. Yes, we need breaks now and then. We need help. We need guidance. Thank God for this site!
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Never fake anything. Just be there for the family and move on.
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Is it possible that you have already grieved just seeing her deline?
I know i have been grieving for my mom for years and she is living with me.
Maybe you are just burnt out
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Why would fake anyway arent you human too?? thats one thing you shouldnt do is fake cause god knows if you have no grief dont chum some up apparently she is not ur favor person cause grief comes from the heart of a person thats feels it and if you dnt feel it don't fake it god dnt like ugly be urself
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I can feel your pain. I can still see the scares on my body that my mother put on me
as a child. I can remember the nights I was thrown into the cellar 3 and 4 days without food. Now I have to visit her in a nursing home. I have to deal with
forgiveness because it is for me not her. She could care less. Thank God for this forum. Let the healing process began funnierthanme
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I'm guessing and I could be wrong, but I suspect that you will continue to mourn what you've probably mourned all along. I would be sad not to have had a mother in law as a loving, nurturing part of my life. Some people have that, and others don't. You apparently not only didn't have it, you had the added burden of taking care of her.

You don't owe anyone an oscar performance. Keep your responses dignified, for your sake. Grieve the loss you've always experienced and which is over now. No faked responses are needed.
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