How can I fake grieving when I have no grief?

(((((hugs))))) enjoy your break - you are doing a great job!

Her doctor had never tried to contact my husband yet! We still don't know what is or was wrong with her. She feels better but is still really confused a lot. She thought her brother (who lives in AZ) came and gave her meds to her yesterday. She wants to come home, but my husband convinces her each visit that she can't until she is "all better". It seems to satisfy her for the time being. Meanwhile, I'm having a wonderful stress free vacation.

Thank you so much for your concern and good wishes. It means so much to know there are others who really know how it is even when those closest to you should and don't and pretty much don't seem to care a bit about how it affects you at all.

funnier, prayers coming your way honey.

Funnier... you got any news on mil? Thought I'd let you know that I'm thinking about you.

Usually, I have a great deal of compassion for sick and disabled people or animals of any kind. Many people have said I should have been a doctor or a nurse. I often wish I had become one, myself. I don't have any feelings of compassion for MIL, though. I don't apologize for that. She was admitted through the ER Monday night and is still in the hospital Friday. She is losing blood and they can't find out from where. They have given her blood, but blew a couple of veins trying to do it. They needed two units of blood in her but only got one and one-third.

But, I'm worried about my husband now instead. His father had internal bleeding they couldn't locate and he bled to death. I'm sure this is on his mind constantly. I was told by a close relative that I had "earned my place in Heaven" by taking care of MIL. I don't think so. If I had a better attitude about it, maybe so. Maybe I had a better attitude a couple of years ago, I can't remember. It's been so stressful so long, it all runs together now. If it's time for her to leave this life, then may she go in peace. If not, then I pray for a few more days rest to gather up some more strength to keep going.

I wanted to answer this question for you from someone who has just been through this. I had my mom living with me but it's basically the same thing as your MIL. I want you to know that there are days that I KNEW I couldn't go on another day the way I was. I was so tired of making sure mom was okay and asking what she needed. I was tired of her needing to be around me 24/7 most of the time. I was tired of cleaning up after her without letting her know that she left the bathroom a mess because I didn't want to embarass her. I longed for just one day alone with my husband. Why am I telling you all of this? Because mom passed away 2 months ago very suddenly and all of the guilt of these past feelings came rushing back to me. Did I regret feeling that way? Sure I did. Was it warrented at the time I was feeling it? Absolutely. I had to really "talk" to myself and examine whether I had been a good daughter. The answer was yes but I was human and we all creep closer and closer to the end of that rope at times. It's normal! It's normal not to want her to come back home again. NORMAL. You are tired and you ARE a good daughter in law. I wanted you to know that I loved my mom very very much but I have shed very few tears since her passing. I think it's because I know she would never have wanted to be the way she was in the end if she knew better. She was not the mom who raised me but instead, the mom who I had to treat like a child of mine. It's sad to have to do that and sometimes, I think that death is not such a bad end for caretaker or for the elderly person. It's inevitable and it absolutely made me much sadder seeing her alive but not living, then it was to say goodbye to her and know she's in a better place. My mom deserved better than to live like a child and be treated lilke a child. She would have begged to die if she would have known. I knew that and it made her passing easier. No, I didn't cry for mommy. I felt relief for her that she was free. Do I miss her? OMG more than anyone will ever know but the right thing was letting her go and I found it hard to cry about that. I hope this helps everyone a little bit. Most people don't stay on here after a death but I wanted you to know that I am here if anyone wants to ask me anything. Hugs

I feel like you should not fake any emotion. One would be expected to show respect for any person at the time of their death, but it is not necessary to be emotional. I will guess that people will be understanding of the trying times you have gone through and understand an element of relief.

I had my MIL for 27 years. Believe me, I know how hard it is when you are dealing with a "difficult" person. Now, I have my mom who requires much more care than my MIL did. And, it is 100 percent easier than dealing with my MIL. That is because my mom is such a love. She smiles all the time, is so greatful for every little thing, and I pray she lives to be 100 (which is quite doubtful). The point I'm trying to make is that it isn't wrong for you to feel the way you do. You would feel differently if your MIL was a diffferent kind of person. Don't beat yourself up!

terrimerritts, This is place for compassion and covering someone's back. We are here for each other and being there for one another.

Girls, I think we just met sylvesters sister. Shame on you Terrimerritts. I am soooo glad I didn't run into you two months ago. And funnier, I'm living proof that you can Reclaim your life. I hope you seriously consider suggestions and ideas be given to you here. You are not alone not being able to show grief.

terrimerritts, you sure are different than me. And that is a bad thing, as far as I'm concerned.

Please extend some of that compassion you are always bragging about to fellow caregivers whose situations you know nothing about but whose decisions you are always eager to pronouce judgment on. Or, just go away.

She obviously does not understand the spirit in which this board was created. This is a NON-JUDGMENTAL area! This is for us to speak our minds and say things to each other that we cannot really say to anyone else--anonymously. This board has helped me enormously and I appreciate it. And I certainly do hope that funnierthanme can ignore that judgmental comment. As I say in so many of my posts that you don't know what anyone is going through unless you walk in their shoes. I wish the board moderator could remove any posts that can be considered judgmental or toxic. Only supportive posts belong here.

My dear, you have been burned out for a long time!

It sounds like you are in a semi-rural area with the goats, dogs? Question would be what your Mother-in-law's financial situation is and your husband's emotional approach on her care?

Would her finances/he allow her to be moved into a care facility where he, and the rest of the family including you when you are all ready, can visit her?

Besides Commercial Care Facilities, there are Bed and Breakfast style Private Residential Care Homes around the Country, mostly run by health care professionals like Nurses and Doctors, you may want to look into for care in a "Real Home" setting, if a commercial facility is not something she or your husband want for her.

Send me a message if you want me to share some websites you can do searches on.

If this is not an option, is there an additional separate living space, or can one be constructed for her to live within the homestead and have a live-in caregiver? If finances do not allow for your family to pay caregiver, you can look at a barter option for room/board and some pay for caregiver - which varies from state-to-state, and individuals/care-giver's situation.

You will need to check backgrounds, etc., of-course. You can list your caregiver needs on Craigslist or sites like Care.com

I hope this may be of help, because you still need to take care of yourself and the rest of your family even as you care for an elder member of the family. This may also afford her and the rest of the family the ability for all to carry on with their individual day-to-day living without adversely affecting each other.

All the best!

This is such an important thought about grief---thank you for bringing it up Aleeta. My husband always says he doesn't want a funeral. When his son died there was nothing, each person grieved in private. It felt unfinished to me. I know , despite this culture of privacy, I will need some sort of ceremony, or gathering to commemorate his life before I can get on with my life.

terrimerritts, take you sanctimonious attitude right on out of here and STUFF IT.

you don't have anything nice to say, so get out.

I don't think anyone here believes in throwing people away - I think this is supposed to be a safe place to vent. I think its understandable that people have their limits and not every old person can be loved and revered when there may be a history there that prevents that. Not everyone can be as self righteous, saintly and loving as you, terri. And, I don't think for one minute funnierthanme's husband needs your pity. Sheesh. This woman needs to vent. She doesn't need to be preached to as to how rotten of a person she is when you don't even know her.

I've been greiving for the past 2 yrs for my Dear Parents drastic physical and mental decline, I think I will not grieve hard at their passing because I am doing it now but who knows, I will certainly miss them but thankful for the life they once enjoyed but then for their peaceful rest. My Sister passed in Nov, to her choosing we were not close, I grieved over her 40 years ago, I'm 51 now. At her Memorial Svc I cried for what we didn't have...a friendship....we only shared kinship. Heres the big BUT!! But I remained sensitive and dignified in for sake of my Family and friends and my own morality! I didn't know who the attendees were speaking so kink of loving of...I didn't know my Sister like what they were saying. ( I kept looking at the Obit which I helped write and wondered...who was this lady that was such a "loving friend"? I will not say any disparaging words but my peace...is my peace not faking necessary.

It sounds like you are just relieved to have a little privacy and some space without her there. I think you are just being a normal human being. When my dad died I literally got down on my knees and thanked God. I was relieved that his pain and constant trips to the hospital were over. I was also relieved because the strife was over for my immediate family. We grieved but, I didn't cry. The last year was rough. I was solemn and that was it. I miss my Dad but, I don't miss the painful, stressful end for him and my family. It's just so hard at the end when there is illness and difficulty. I know my Dad didn't want us to be in such flux but, that was the way it was. He's now at peace.

you know we all have our feelings of mother in laws no one is the same. so i dnt think anyone will bash we just have different feelings....some have experience different hardship with ML'S than others you know us daughter in laws always gets the short end of the stick some kinda of way and i maybe the same when my sons get merried but one thing is for sure we all need to respect them no matter how they treat us...because we are merried to their sons and some sons will go bats for there mom.. i have heard the old saying "your my wife now but she will always be my mom" so i have been on both sides but i never treated either one of ML"s laws different..i treated them with respect

I am sorry you feel this way. I will tell you I have got an incredible mother in law and I would do anything for her but not everyone has that. I feel blessed by my in-laws. Anyway, I am concerned about your MIL and her kidney stone, my mother has been in the hospital since June 12, she had a staghorn kidney stone and it had abcessed her kidney to the point it had made her septic. Her body was being poisoned. My mother is 82, we ended up having to make the decision to have that kidney removed. Mom did great during the surgery her recovery was rough. She would have already been home if not for the hospital messing up, yes they messed up. They gave her too much xanax in a short period of time and her lungs stopped working completely. We are on a ventilator at this time with the hope of coming off in the next day or so. All her vitals are good. these stones are very painful and make a person very sick I pray I can take my mom home soon. That being said your MIL is very sick and I find it sad that you feel the way you do. And before anyone starts bashing me for saying this remember what my poor mother has been through a lot and emotions are high but I have seen first hand what a kidney stone can do to a person. Just think about it, we will all be there someday.

Cry tears of relief that it is finally over. That is what i plan to do when i am through with the caregiving. Then everyone will think that you are saddened by her passing.

You do not have to grieve. Just be respectful. Even if you were saddened, there is no need for display. When my brother died, my Mom was almost a hostess at the funeral home. She worried about everyone else, as she always did. She had lost her son and her heart was broken and she was never the same again. But to "viewers" she was not sad enough. Really? Don't worry about how you look. You will feel sad for your husband's loss and that will be genuine.

I agree with the respondents who say that you've been grieving all along. The day it hits you that the woman you once knew is no longer here is the day you begin to grieve. My friend's mother-in-law developed Alzheimers. Her husband's culture expects children to care for their aging parents. As a devoted wife she took on the responsibility along with her sister-in-law of splitting time to care for her MIL while still holding down her job. Months later it became overwhelming for both women and the MIL was admitted to a nursing home. Also, despite her devotion her husband's family, she also began to resent her husband's minimal involvement because it was HIS mother, not hers. She continued to visit her MIL regularly at the nursing home. In this country, we are conditioned, partly because of science, to hold on to life as long as possible. What about the quality of life? And what about the quality of YOUR life? Under such stress, will you live to be in your 90's? Please don't think that I am being insensitive, but the only people who can judge are those who have walked in your shoes. If your conscience is clear that you have done the best you can, then leave it in God's hands. He is preparing a better place for your MIL than anyone here ever could. You can transition to celebrate your MIL's life while she was here.

i know when my mother dies the only thing i will be mourning is the fact that i never had a real mother. i doubt i will have tears either, but i won't defend their absence. let people believe that you are either stoic, or in shock. you have nothing you need say. it's none of their business.

Does your husband's culture expect an outpouring of grief?
In western culture, appropriate behavior would be to dress conservatively,
behave reservedly, speak well -- or not at all -- of the dead, and interact
with others quietly and respectfully.
Death is a natural part of life; believing otherwise is certainly unrealistic!
Some religions & culture celebrate a loved one's passing to a better, higher,
or more evolved state.

In California if a person on medicare goes into the hospital and stays their for three days or more they can be put in a nursing home for 21 days and medicare will pay for it they can then go home and if they get sick again after two months and go back to th hospital for three days they can go back to the nursing home this will give you almost a month break good luck to you and may God bless

She may rally. Don't let her come back into your house from the hospital. It's time for a nursing home (probably has been for awhile). You really sound like you're at the end of your rope. You've done more than enough. You deserve a life. And (to the other commenter), yes - some of us MAY wind up having a long, torturous slide to our deaths (though we'd all prefer to die in our sleep long before that!). That doesn't mean that we all want to drag our families down the slope with us.

Funnierthanme...I don't think it makes you a bad person to feel the way you do, in fact, I'm in awe of people like you who move an elderly parent into their homes and commit to their care. You are saints on earth in my opinion. Truly. Its one of the kindest, most selfless things you could ever do. My parents live in their own home and I go to them. It will be this way until they need to go into a NH. Am I a bad person? I don't think so. I know what I can and can't do though. When my parents pass away, I'll be one of those people who say "her suffering is over now" or "he lived a long life". I won't be wringing my hands and crying either. I wish I could be though. It would have been nice to have had so much feeling for them, but that wasn't in the cards, and we do the best we can. I'm kind to my parents and I keep my obligations and I try to put some humor into the goings on at their house, and they appreciate that and they look forward to seeing me, and that's all I can do - do the best I can with a smile, even a forced one! You've cared for your mil in your home, and that's your contribution, and its a huge one. You don't need to contribute tears too.

I commend you and the love you feel for your husband, having agreed to taking on this burden all this time. It's difficult enough having a person of 93 living with you, even if healthy. I am not sure if you have siblings or anyone who can pitch in, but I agree with the poster who said maybe it's time for her to be taken care of in a round the clock facility, for the sake of your own health, sanity and marriage, particularly that it seems now her health is more on the decline than before and will probably require even more steady care. I disagree with the part, however, that said she can get better care from a stranger. DON'T JUDGE until you walk in someone else's shoes. Not everyone has the financial resources to hire people to come in for more than a routine visit, but hopefully she can qualify for a facility somewhere nearby that can take on her medical needs. (And for goodness' sake, no one is going to be "checking" to see if you are wringing your hands and crying furiously at her funeral! LOL)

Don't let anyone force you to fake grief. Better to honor the best parts of life by remembering good times. I grieved for someone when he changed from a wonderful man into a selfish demanding invalid who managed to destroy my financial security, to fall in love with a staff member at his SNF and to tell me I'm old and unattractive., to tell people I'm having an affair, that I hallucinate, and other lies. I am kind to him now only because I honor the person he once was. When he passes from life I wonder if I will need to grieve again- doubt it - I do hope I can reach back into the past and honor his memory by focusing on the happy years.