How can I fake grieving when I have no grief?

Quote : "But, she wants no-one but ME taking her to the potty. I suppose if I was gone and a stranger was here and she needed to go, she wouldn't have a choice, though."
That's right, funnier. You are letting her rule. It takes two. My mother would like me to do everything for her too, but, guess what? I don't. Does she get mad? Yes.
Or at least she did. She has accepted the situation better now. Does she bad mouth me to relatives, and particularly my sister. You bet. Do I care? No! Did I have to cut way back on what I did for her to look after my health? Yes, I did. The end result of this is that other people do the necessary care giving, I am getting my health back, she accepts the situation better, though complains about the care she gets all the time. Now I visit her in her ALF, take her out for a meal once in a while, and answer one in 10 or 20 emails, when I feel like it. She is no unhappier than she ever has been, and is as well looked after as she can be.
Please do NOT put off sny surgery you need, because that prima donna wants you to take her to the potty. There was a phrase "Suck it up, Princess" which applies here. Look after yourself, and let her ( and your husband) suck it up. You have gone over and above your duty to her - look after your duty to yourself. See your doctor, schedule the surgery, make whatever arangements you need to for your mil's care, then tell your husband that it is happening.
NO our mil can't live forever, and neither can you or your husband. (((((((hugs)))))))

You are right, jeanne, I don't think I have a life. Or a say-so in my life. I don't know how to stop this without hurting myself. I have epilepsy and I don't drive and my Social Security check won't support me if I'm by myself. I think this opens up a can of worms, though. Right now, he's my ride so I just have to do what he wants. She can't live forever, can she?

Umm, excuse me funnier, but do you have a life? Do you want one? You are considering putting off your own surgery so that MIL won't have to cope with a stranger taking her potty. ARE YOU CRAZY?!

It sounds like the people in your house who are important are #1 MIL, #2 Husband and then waaaaay down the list, little ol' you. Why do you put up with that crap? Seriously, why are you allowing this to continue in the same old pattern?

Don't cancel your surgery. Please. You mil will HAVE to let someone else help her for the bathroom. I know insurance is getting pretty strict about hospital stays, but it'd be great if you could tack an extra night or two onto your stay. Isn't it sad when surgery is a break to look forward to? Does your helper have anyone that can fill in for her? My friend does caregiving for an elderly lady, and when she can't make it, her oldest daughter fills in. Just a thought. My nephew has been a godsend for me lately. I feel for you, Funnier. It sounds like you're in such a hard spot. I sound awful, but I was hoping it was her time to go when she was admitted. She can't be having a great life in her condition, and she's draining the enjoyment out of yours.

Everyone in his family thought my husband was the sweetest thing on the face of the earth. The people in this county tell me what a wonderful man he is. They don't know the same man I do. He can be the man they tell me he is, but he can also be a dictator like he is being now about his Mother. He will absolutely not place his Mother any place other than in the bedroom across from ours, even if it was free. She came home last evening during a terrible storm and I couldn't believe the EMT's actually rolled her up the sidewalk in the rain! They had a sheet over her face but she still got wet. Another storm happened during the night and awakened her and she called for me and "potty duty". Just like old times again. She got sick during the day today and doesn't want supper now. The doctors who treated her have unpronouncable names didn't find out what causes that--one of the primary reasons she went there.

My helper told me today the doctor told her "they didn't get it all" when they removed more mammary tissue last week and are talking about a mastectomy now. If she needs that done, she will be disabled for awhile and I won't have any help at all while she is gone. I know others have been sole caregivers before, but I don't look forward to it. I had surgery in my future also and it will be canceled now.
You say, "find someone to come stay with her while you are gone". That's all well and good. But, she wants no-one but ME taking her to the potty. I suppose if I was gone and a stranger was here and she needed to go, she wouldn't have a choice, though.

The home health nurse told him recently that it was unbelievable how wonderful she is doing and it is only because of the care she is getting at home. I wish she hadn't done that.

Thank you Judy and cmagnum! Fortunately I was able to teach my husband that "I" came first. However he transferred his dependence to me and that became unbearable when coupled with his addictive personality, (drugs or alcohol, whatever's available for him). So I cut myself loose when the last child reached adulthood. I won't divorce him only because he would lose the medical benefits that my being a veteran provides for him and he has a few bad health problems, but I have my own house and I am about as free as I can be. (I took the truck, so I grocery shop for him once a week)

Yep, I'm a straight shooter! I developed the style when I was a mother and it's only sharpened over the years. I do have to watch myself that it's not overtly, or even covertly cruel, I can get carried away. But sometimes things just need to be said, wake up calls are in order. Often people know these things in the back of their minds anyway.

PamelaSue, a good book about such Mom Enmeshed Men is When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Kenneth Adams.

PamelaSue... I just love the straight shooting style of yours!
I agree, Funnier, I think your husband needs to grab the reins here, but I'm sure he's having some inner struggle with this. My heart goes to you though, and not him. You've been the one doing the work, and it sounds like it hasn't been one bit easy. Its been 24 hours as of now, since you last posted. What's the latest? You get to talk to a nurse, or am I way behind and mil is home now?

your husband, pardon my language, is completely pussy whipped by his mother! and apparently she tried the same thing on her doctor and he refused to put up with it. screw the whole permission thing, your husband has POA, it's time for him to step up and make a decision. is he a little boy or is he a man? i left a little boy because i was tired of being his mommy.

btw, it is completely impossible to get any information from anyone at a hospital during a shift change. they weren't being rude, it's just impossible to help you during that time. nurses have a very limited amount of time to exchange a LOT of information about each and every single patient on the ward with each and every nurse there, as well as the ward clerk, and sometimes the doctor on call. when i have been a patient, we were not allowed to ask for or get medications or drinks of water during that time, and god forbid anyone have to go to the bathroom if they needed help. you learn to work around the nurses and hospital schedule.

sound wrong? imagine if somebody gave you six or eight of your MiL to care for, at the end of an eight or twelve hour shift when you are exhausted, you had about 15 to 30 minutes to tell the next nurse(s) EVERYTHING about EVERY PATIENT. what meds, when, what food, how much, and when, what liquids, how much, when, urine, bowl movements, output and when, their mood, their visitors, and on and on.

choose a quieter time of day or evening to speak with the nurses. if you can't get any answers, then you need to ask for a patient advocate.

PS I certainly don't want to influence you here, but do you want her coming home without a GP in place?

Ok...who can speak to your husband to get him to be reasonable? It's very honorable and noble to get her permission, yes...but has he had the realization yet that she might not be in sound enough mind to make good health care decisions? Right now, he is not acting in her best interest and if one of your children might be able to have a little chat with him, it might help. He may be looking at you as someone who is simply tired of taking care of his mother. Her "own doctor" sound like he should be brought up on some kind of charges! By the way, did he say why he washed his hands of her?? (I have had it happen with my own mother--they get to the point where the patient doesn't allow them to do their job. There is more to this story with your MIL than is meeting the eye.)

I felt like they were just going to let her die, but I know they don't want a death in their hospital. As far as I know, the Hospitalist is the only one seeing her. This doctor does have the capability to release her. I spoke to the Home Health nurse yesterday and asked her to speak to the charge nurse on that floor and get the PIN number for me. She said she would and will give it to me so I can talk to the nurse and get some kind of information. It may be very little, but it may be something. It's 11:30 AM right now and she hasn't called me, but she also works in Intensive Care there and may not have had time to get the PIN number yet. I don't want MIL to die at home, either. I've told my husband to change her doctor to his and he said he will if she will let him. I told him he has her POA, JUST DO IT! He says "Not without her permission" Her own doctor has already said he is not treating her now. What more reason could she have for changing. He just has to convince her. If not, she is doomed to have no doctor at all.

All I can say, funnier, is that this is one huge mystery. And a hospital that is full of bunglers, at that. Is it just me, or where I live, or is it very irregular to keep a patient in the hospital without much care or testing? Is it a matter of which doc does or doesn't want the responsibility of releasing her, finding out she shouldn't have been released and then getting into hot water for doing so? They wanted to throw my dying father out of the hospital back in 1995 unless we agreed to letting them do some sort of testing, more bloodwork, etc. and I told them "please, let this poor man die in peace...he has been poked and prodded quite enough" and sure enough, he died the next day. (My mother just didn't want him to die at home and have to "deal" with such a thing.) But hospitals never want a bed to go to waste, so is this a bit erratic for them to just keep her and no one knowing or relaying anything to the family? Whose patient IS she? Someone out there must have some advice as to whose 'head' Funnier's husband can go over to get some answers in the hospital administration ranks?

My husband visited the hospital again last night and asked to talk to a nurse. He was there at the change in schedules at 7:00 pm and nobody could tell him anything. He ended up politely letting the hospital and nurses know what he thought of them for the care that has and has not been given to his mother. They either couldn't tell him or didn't know who could tell him or wouldn't tell him anything. They don't know who her doctor now is. It is written in her records who her doctor is, but he has washed his hands of her because an ER doctor admitted her. A hospitalist is ordering minimal care, but he knows nothing about her health.

This morning she did eat breakfast without throwing up and my husband thinks she will come home but he isn't certain. I have no idea what is going on and I hate all this uncertainty. Since I am only a "family member" and do not have POA, I can do nothing.

He asked them about the "kidney stone", loss of blood" ,"continued nausea", and no-one had an answer for him. He asked them what tests had been performed. They said "None".

I never said that I also babysit one to three grandchildren 8,9, and 10, while I "caregive" MIL, did I? Yep, I do that, too. What we do for our kids, huh. At least they can partially take care of themselves and get to the potty alone.

Yes--have your husband contact her doctor and quickly. I thought it was more than 20 days, but can't swear to that. Maybe this is why there is a hold up at the hospital anyway. My mother was still in the hospital after everyone was told she was 'due to come home' after her car accident. She, unlike your MIL, did NOT want to come home. She wanted to go to a NH where she could get waited on! She never told anyone (until we found out from a floor nurse) that she called Medicare to say she was being denied her rights. She got her way and stayed in a facility for quite a few weeks, just as she wished.

Funnier, thru my experience, I can tell you Medicare will pay up to 20 days of rehab after being released from hospital. Her dr has to order the rehab. Medicare will pay up to 100 days a year. So quick! Convince her dr she needs to build up her strength before returning home. Good luck! Lisa

To Emil and Pamela Sue--kudos...you both took the words out of my mouth. Listen, not trying to start WWIII here, or a rift in your marriage, but this woman calling the shots simply has to stop, in my honest opinion (and hope you don't mind!). When your husband took his vows, he was to foresake ALL OTHERS and put you first. It's common for that little portion of the vow to be forgotten, but it is because you, the kind hearted person that you are, came from a place of being healthy and able to care for someone who was elderly and/or ill. Your husband has to NOW come to the place, where this recent turn of events with her health has occurred, to realize you are up in years yourself and NO LONGER CAPABLE of handling the pace you have been up to now! It may sound cruel but this is reasonable and it is fact: she needs to be helped by professionals and this may be the approach you will consider. She is now requiring care that is leaning toward "round the clock." If you said to him that he may end up with his mother, but not his wife since this may kill you before it kills her, would he HEAR YOU? PT is not going to kill her. They are pros and know what pace to set for her rehabilitation, not you and not your husband. They won't overwork her - but the "cushy" life and having you, her handmaiden on call 24/7 would definitely make her want to return to the comforts of home, and not to a facility. There is another thread on here that spoke to caring for people who are mean-spirited, selfish and full of an attitude of entitlement, and it has nothing to do with being old, it's been for a lifetime. My own mother has burned her bridges and left her quarters in my brother's home because no matter what my sister in law or brother did for her, it was never enough. She now lives in an assisted living place and from what I hear, she isn't happy there either, because happiness comes from within and is built over a lifetime. if you're miserable, you're miserable and nothing will change it. You will be like the proverbial hamster on a treadmill, working hard to get somewhere but just going in circles. Take the bull by the horns, call the hospital, speak to the coordinator and have your husband with you, on speakerphone, and get to the bottom of where mom goes next. You deserve to be heard in this issue, since it appears "Mommy" spares her son, but definitely not his wife. Sorry for spouting, but this really touches a nerve.

i don't care how horrible this sounds, i'm going to pray that your MiL either goes into a NH or passes on very quickly. no wife should ever have to put up with the crap that you have put up with for 49 years! she is MORE than dysfunctional! your husband should have put a stop to these shenanigans forever ago, he's married to YOU, not his mother.

funnierthanme, that is really sad that you've had to compete with your MIL for 49 years. I've had to compete with mine for 24 years of marriage plus 5 years of dating. I will not feel any grief for her after how she's treated me and what I've learned how she's treated my wife and her twin sister as children, teenagers on into young adulthood which did not cease until my wife set some boundaries with her. Because of how some of her brothers treated her, my MIL has a hateful attitude toward men unless they are dependent and submissive like her dead husband or gay. Her outlook upon my brother in law is the same. On the other hand my wife has felt that she's had to compete with my mom which I've had to deal with as well which has meant that we came to feel more fully married to each other without the emotional baggage of 'mom'. I think many of us know why the MIL jokes were created in light of MIL's like ours.

ask the doc about sending her to a nursing home for three more weeks medicare will pay for it or you can decide to send her just let the hospital know thats what you want and you will have three more weeks and medicare will pay for it lots of luck to you god bless

(((((((funnier))))) - that is a long history of dysfunctional behaviour. and disrespect towards you. Have you talked with your husband about how you feel about her behaviour? It sounds sickening to me. The medical people know she has a heart condition and it is not his call that the PT would kill her. They are trained to deal with that. If her doctor knows she has a heart condition and still recommends PT then I think you have to assume he knows what he is doing. The mix up at the hospital sounds like incompetence on someone's part. I suppose they will talk with your husband. Might be an idea to get the PIN number for you too. To caregive a woman who treats you like your mil has must be terribly difficult, and very stressful for you. My heart goes out to you. Sounds to me that it is high time for her to be put in a facility, though your hisband wants her at home. You have done more than your share. As you say you don't know why she is still alive, except for the care you give her. Her quality of life cannot be easy for her either - to be exhausted by doing little activity. ((((((hugs))))))) Joan

While she thought I should be helping him cut her grass, I helped him because I wanted it done so we could get it over with and go home.

This is an update about MIL:

I called her doctor's office awhile ago and was told he hasn't visited her because he wasn't the admitting doctor. They don't know who admitted her. The hospital won't talk to me because I don't have a PIN number, but they think the "Hospitalist" is treating her. That's all they would tell me.

Terry, I fell in love with my husband not knowing I would have to compete with his Mother for the next 49 years. It's been a long rough road. This last week has been a honeymoon for both of us. He has held my hand, rubbed my sore back, taken me for a ride, which we can't do with her here, and bought me the ice cream cone I forgot I asked for. You would think he was courting me again. When she is gone, he will be mine again and we can actually laugh without having to be quite so we won't wake her up. She's 92. We ate Sunday dinner at her house for 18 years and didn't miss a Sunday. She wouldn't have it any differently. She thought it was in my job description as a wife to help him cut her grass and then for me to pull her weeds as he watched Nascar with her because her poor Baby was so tired after riding the John Deere mower for an hour while I pushed a non-powered mower for the same hour in 90 to 95 degree weather. She brought him ice water but brought me nothing. I finally brought myself a carry along thermous with my own water. She bought him gifts of new clothes all during the year and gave them to him in front of me. Even to this day when he leans down to kiss her good night, she grabs his face and smooches it all over. It's sickening. When others have asked her why she never had other children her stock answer is "Why should I have tried when I had a perfect son the first time. I couldn't do any better than perfect, and he is that".

PunchNJudy, thanks for the Hugs and kisses.
There's a wonderful rehab facility here and she qualifies to go there but my husband wouldn't let her go because she has a heart condition. Her doctor even said "Her heart is shot". DH says PT will kill her. I tried PT at home and just swinging her legs exhausted her. We had a therapist, paid by Medicare, come to our home, and raising her arms and swinging her legs just exhausted her and she slept for hours afterwards. I was supposed to continue her excercises with her--five at a time, each leg and each arm. She would do two or three and say she couldn't do any more and absolutely wouldn't do any more. Just going to the potty exhausts her. How she is still alive baffles me. I

good idea, punchnjudy. Funnier- it does sound like you need her out of your life, or at least a longer break. Considering that your husband is not well now - if i have understood it right - his health and yours have to come to the forefront. How does he feel about your mil being placed in a facility. Forgive me if this ahs been discussed earlier. i admit i have not read the whole thread - not 100% this morning myself. ((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Funnier, I know what you are saying. The anticipation is probably playing into your back problems--it's stress-related, I will bet you, and not only that you have overdone it! I have a question, though...isn't she entitled to go into a rehab type facility, right from the hospital? Does she require any kind of care that is additional right now? My mother had a car accident when she was 89 and after the hospital, she got something like 30 days, paid by Medicare, in a facility? Can you or your husband ask the social worker in the hospital about that? I say "social worker" but there is some care coordinator there that has been coming in that room to visit her, I am certain. If that is not going to happen, then I can only hope that you cope as best you can with her back in your house. I feel your stress, certainly, and will continue to pray that you get the strength you need! Hugs, xoxo

Hi, PunchNJUdy. Thanks for thinking of me. I've had a wonderful week, but I know it's going to end soon. My husband said they took her IVs our yesterday and he thought they were going to send her home, but she never got here. At least I had one more night's sound sleep. That's been worth so much to me.

She told my husband that her own doctor hasn't made a hospital visit to her yet. I'm sure he is billing Medicare for a daily hospital visit, though. We will keep an eye on his charges this time, for sure.

With her gone, I did too much trying to get everything done and I hurt my back somehow. I've had IcyHot patches on my back for three days now and I think I'll buy some more and do it again.

It's sad to think, though, that even though I've had a week or eight, or maybe even I might get nine days without her, the very minute the guerney enters this house with her, it will all come back, and having this time off will not have made much difference. It made a difference these last few days while I was enjoying them and I am so grateful for it, but already, I am feeling the stress of expecting her home. I really just need her out of my life for good.

funnierthanme, how are things going now, this week? We are all still praying for you.

We went to see her for a few minutes today. She ate a few Cheerios for breakfast and half a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. That's it. If it wasn't for the IV, she'd starve to death. Maybe she's trying to do that. She thought her brother gave her the meds again today. She takes a truck load of them. I believe we're keeping her alive with pills. If it wasn't for them, she wouldn't be here. I'm convinced of that.

amen I hear that my mom too is in the hospital they still dont know or dont care about what is going on with her she is also confused I to am having a break no one knows what its like unless they have b een their hope every thing goes your way God Bless