How can I fake grieving when I have no grief?

This is such an important thought about grief---thank you for bringing it up Aleeta. My husband always says he doesn't want a funeral. When his son died there was nothing, each person grieved in private. It felt unfinished to me. I know , despite this culture of privacy, I will need some sort of ceremony, or gathering to commemorate his life before I can get on with my life.

My dear, you have been burned out for a long time!

It sounds like you are in a semi-rural area with the goats, dogs? Question would be what your Mother-in-law's financial situation is and your husband's emotional approach on her care?

Would her finances/he allow her to be moved into a care facility where he, and the rest of the family including you when you are all ready, can visit her?

Besides Commercial Care Facilities, there are Bed and Breakfast style Private Residential Care Homes around the Country, mostly run by health care professionals like Nurses and Doctors, you may want to look into for care in a "Real Home" setting, if a commercial facility is not something she or your husband want for her.

Send me a message if you want me to share some websites you can do searches on.

If this is not an option, is there an additional separate living space, or can one be constructed for her to live within the homestead and have a live-in caregiver? If finances do not allow for your family to pay caregiver, you can look at a barter option for room/board and some pay for caregiver - which varies from state-to-state, and individuals/care-giver's situation.

You will need to check backgrounds, etc., of-course. You can list your caregiver needs on Craigslist or sites like Care.com

I hope this may be of help, because you still need to take care of yourself and the rest of your family even as you care for an elder member of the family. This may also afford her and the rest of the family the ability for all to carry on with their individual day-to-day living without adversely affecting each other.

All the best!

She obviously does not understand the spirit in which this board was created. This is a NON-JUDGMENTAL area! This is for us to speak our minds and say things to each other that we cannot really say to anyone else--anonymously. This board has helped me enormously and I appreciate it. And I certainly do hope that funnierthanme can ignore that judgmental comment. As I say in so many of my posts that you don't know what anyone is going through unless you walk in their shoes. I wish the board moderator could remove any posts that can be considered judgmental or toxic. Only supportive posts belong here.

terrimerritts, you sure are different than me. And that is a bad thing, as far as I'm concerned.

Please extend some of that compassion you are always bragging about to fellow caregivers whose situations you know nothing about but whose decisions you are always eager to pronouce judgment on. Or, just go away.

Girls, I think we just met sylvesters sister. Shame on you Terrimerritts. I am soooo glad I didn't run into you two months ago. And funnier, I'm living proof that you can Reclaim your life. I hope you seriously consider suggestions and ideas be given to you here. You are not alone not being able to show grief.

terrimerritts, This is place for compassion and covering someone's back. We are here for each other and being there for one another.

I had my MIL for 27 years. Believe me, I know how hard it is when you are dealing with a "difficult" person. Now, I have my mom who requires much more care than my MIL did. And, it is 100 percent easier than dealing with my MIL. That is because my mom is such a love. She smiles all the time, is so greatful for every little thing, and I pray she lives to be 100 (which is quite doubtful). The point I'm trying to make is that it isn't wrong for you to feel the way you do. You would feel differently if your MIL was a diffferent kind of person. Don't beat yourself up!

I feel like you should not fake any emotion. One would be expected to show respect for any person at the time of their death, but it is not necessary to be emotional. I will guess that people will be understanding of the trying times you have gone through and understand an element of relief.

I wanted to answer this question for you from someone who has just been through this. I had my mom living with me but it's basically the same thing as your MIL. I want you to know that there are days that I KNEW I couldn't go on another day the way I was. I was so tired of making sure mom was okay and asking what she needed. I was tired of her needing to be around me 24/7 most of the time. I was tired of cleaning up after her without letting her know that she left the bathroom a mess because I didn't want to embarass her. I longed for just one day alone with my husband. Why am I telling you all of this? Because mom passed away 2 months ago very suddenly and all of the guilt of these past feelings came rushing back to me. Did I regret feeling that way? Sure I did. Was it warrented at the time I was feeling it? Absolutely. I had to really "talk" to myself and examine whether I had been a good daughter. The answer was yes but I was human and we all creep closer and closer to the end of that rope at times. It's normal! It's normal not to want her to come back home again. NORMAL. You are tired and you ARE a good daughter in law. I wanted you to know that I loved my mom very very much but I have shed very few tears since her passing. I think it's because I know she would never have wanted to be the way she was in the end if she knew better. She was not the mom who raised me but instead, the mom who I had to treat like a child of mine. It's sad to have to do that and sometimes, I think that death is not such a bad end for caretaker or for the elderly person. It's inevitable and it absolutely made me much sadder seeing her alive but not living, then it was to say goodbye to her and know she's in a better place. My mom deserved better than to live like a child and be treated lilke a child. She would have begged to die if she would have known. I knew that and it made her passing easier. No, I didn't cry for mommy. I felt relief for her that she was free. Do I miss her? OMG more than anyone will ever know but the right thing was letting her go and I found it hard to cry about that. I hope this helps everyone a little bit. Most people don't stay on here after a death but I wanted you to know that I am here if anyone wants to ask me anything. Hugs

Usually, I have a great deal of compassion for sick and disabled people or animals of any kind. Many people have said I should have been a doctor or a nurse. I often wish I had become one, myself. I don't have any feelings of compassion for MIL, though. I don't apologize for that. She was admitted through the ER Monday night and is still in the hospital Friday. She is losing blood and they can't find out from where. They have given her blood, but blew a couple of veins trying to do it. They needed two units of blood in her but only got one and one-third.

But, I'm worried about my husband now instead. His father had internal bleeding they couldn't locate and he bled to death. I'm sure this is on his mind constantly. I was told by a close relative that I had "earned my place in Heaven" by taking care of MIL. I don't think so. If I had a better attitude about it, maybe so. Maybe I had a better attitude a couple of years ago, I can't remember. It's been so stressful so long, it all runs together now. If it's time for her to leave this life, then may she go in peace. If not, then I pray for a few more days rest to gather up some more strength to keep going.

Funnier... you got any news on mil? Thought I'd let you know that I'm thinking about you.

funnier, prayers coming your way honey.

Her doctor had never tried to contact my husband yet! We still don't know what is or was wrong with her. She feels better but is still really confused a lot. She thought her brother (who lives in AZ) came and gave her meds to her yesterday. She wants to come home, but my husband convinces her each visit that she can't until she is "all better". It seems to satisfy her for the time being. Meanwhile, I'm having a wonderful stress free vacation.

Thank you so much for your concern and good wishes. It means so much to know there are others who really know how it is even when those closest to you should and don't and pretty much don't seem to care a bit about how it affects you at all.

(((((hugs))))) enjoy your break - you are doing a great job!

amen I hear that my mom too is in the hospital they still dont know or dont care about what is going on with her she is also confused I to am having a break no one knows what its like unless they have b een their hope every thing goes your way God Bless

We went to see her for a few minutes today. She ate a few Cheerios for breakfast and half a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. That's it. If it wasn't for the IV, she'd starve to death. Maybe she's trying to do that. She thought her brother gave her the meds again today. She takes a truck load of them. I believe we're keeping her alive with pills. If it wasn't for them, she wouldn't be here. I'm convinced of that.

funnierthanme, how are things going now, this week? We are all still praying for you.

Hi, PunchNJUdy. Thanks for thinking of me. I've had a wonderful week, but I know it's going to end soon. My husband said they took her IVs our yesterday and he thought they were going to send her home, but she never got here. At least I had one more night's sound sleep. That's been worth so much to me.

She told my husband that her own doctor hasn't made a hospital visit to her yet. I'm sure he is billing Medicare for a daily hospital visit, though. We will keep an eye on his charges this time, for sure.

With her gone, I did too much trying to get everything done and I hurt my back somehow. I've had IcyHot patches on my back for three days now and I think I'll buy some more and do it again.

It's sad to think, though, that even though I've had a week or eight, or maybe even I might get nine days without her, the very minute the guerney enters this house with her, it will all come back, and having this time off will not have made much difference. It made a difference these last few days while I was enjoying them and I am so grateful for it, but already, I am feeling the stress of expecting her home. I really just need her out of my life for good.

Funnier, I know what you are saying. The anticipation is probably playing into your back problems--it's stress-related, I will bet you, and not only that you have overdone it! I have a question, though...isn't she entitled to go into a rehab type facility, right from the hospital? Does she require any kind of care that is additional right now? My mother had a car accident when she was 89 and after the hospital, she got something like 30 days, paid by Medicare, in a facility? Can you or your husband ask the social worker in the hospital about that? I say "social worker" but there is some care coordinator there that has been coming in that room to visit her, I am certain. If that is not going to happen, then I can only hope that you cope as best you can with her back in your house. I feel your stress, certainly, and will continue to pray that you get the strength you need! Hugs, xoxo

good idea, punchnjudy. Funnier- it does sound like you need her out of your life, or at least a longer break. Considering that your husband is not well now - if i have understood it right - his health and yours have to come to the forefront. How does he feel about your mil being placed in a facility. Forgive me if this ahs been discussed earlier. i admit i have not read the whole thread - not 100% this morning myself. ((((((hugs))))))) Joan

PunchNJudy, thanks for the Hugs and kisses.
There's a wonderful rehab facility here and she qualifies to go there but my husband wouldn't let her go because she has a heart condition. Her doctor even said "Her heart is shot". DH says PT will kill her. I tried PT at home and just swinging her legs exhausted her. We had a therapist, paid by Medicare, come to our home, and raising her arms and swinging her legs just exhausted her and she slept for hours afterwards. I was supposed to continue her excercises with her--five at a time, each leg and each arm. She would do two or three and say she couldn't do any more and absolutely wouldn't do any more. Just going to the potty exhausts her. How she is still alive baffles me. I

Terry, I fell in love with my husband not knowing I would have to compete with his Mother for the next 49 years. It's been a long rough road. This last week has been a honeymoon for both of us. He has held my hand, rubbed my sore back, taken me for a ride, which we can't do with her here, and bought me the ice cream cone I forgot I asked for. You would think he was courting me again. When she is gone, he will be mine again and we can actually laugh without having to be quite so we won't wake her up. She's 92. We ate Sunday dinner at her house for 18 years and didn't miss a Sunday. She wouldn't have it any differently. She thought it was in my job description as a wife to help him cut her grass and then for me to pull her weeds as he watched Nascar with her because her poor Baby was so tired after riding the John Deere mower for an hour while I pushed a non-powered mower for the same hour in 90 to 95 degree weather. She brought him ice water but brought me nothing. I finally brought myself a carry along thermous with my own water. She bought him gifts of new clothes all during the year and gave them to him in front of me. Even to this day when he leans down to kiss her good night, she grabs his face and smooches it all over. It's sickening. When others have asked her why she never had other children her stock answer is "Why should I have tried when I had a perfect son the first time. I couldn't do any better than perfect, and he is that".

While she thought I should be helping him cut her grass, I helped him because I wanted it done so we could get it over with and go home.

This is an update about MIL:

I called her doctor's office awhile ago and was told he hasn't visited her because he wasn't the admitting doctor. They don't know who admitted her. The hospital won't talk to me because I don't have a PIN number, but they think the "Hospitalist" is treating her. That's all they would tell me.

(((((((funnier))))) - that is a long history of dysfunctional behaviour. and disrespect towards you. Have you talked with your husband about how you feel about her behaviour? It sounds sickening to me. The medical people know she has a heart condition and it is not his call that the PT would kill her. They are trained to deal with that. If her doctor knows she has a heart condition and still recommends PT then I think you have to assume he knows what he is doing. The mix up at the hospital sounds like incompetence on someone's part. I suppose they will talk with your husband. Might be an idea to get the PIN number for you too. To caregive a woman who treats you like your mil has must be terribly difficult, and very stressful for you. My heart goes out to you. Sounds to me that it is high time for her to be put in a facility, though your hisband wants her at home. You have done more than your share. As you say you don't know why she is still alive, except for the care you give her. Her quality of life cannot be easy for her either - to be exhausted by doing little activity. ((((((hugs))))))) Joan

ask the doc about sending her to a nursing home for three more weeks medicare will pay for it or you can decide to send her just let the hospital know thats what you want and you will have three more weeks and medicare will pay for it lots of luck to you god bless

funnierthanme, that is really sad that you've had to compete with your MIL for 49 years. I've had to compete with mine for 24 years of marriage plus 5 years of dating. I will not feel any grief for her after how she's treated me and what I've learned how she's treated my wife and her twin sister as children, teenagers on into young adulthood which did not cease until my wife set some boundaries with her. Because of how some of her brothers treated her, my MIL has a hateful attitude toward men unless they are dependent and submissive like her dead husband or gay. Her outlook upon my brother in law is the same. On the other hand my wife has felt that she's had to compete with my mom which I've had to deal with as well which has meant that we came to feel more fully married to each other without the emotional baggage of 'mom'. I think many of us know why the MIL jokes were created in light of MIL's like ours.

i don't care how horrible this sounds, i'm going to pray that your MiL either goes into a NH or passes on very quickly. no wife should ever have to put up with the crap that you have put up with for 49 years! she is MORE than dysfunctional! your husband should have put a stop to these shenanigans forever ago, he's married to YOU, not his mother.

To Emil and Pamela Sue--kudos...you both took the words out of my mouth. Listen, not trying to start WWIII here, or a rift in your marriage, but this woman calling the shots simply has to stop, in my honest opinion (and hope you don't mind!). When your husband took his vows, he was to foresake ALL OTHERS and put you first. It's common for that little portion of the vow to be forgotten, but it is because you, the kind hearted person that you are, came from a place of being healthy and able to care for someone who was elderly and/or ill. Your husband has to NOW come to the place, where this recent turn of events with her health has occurred, to realize you are up in years yourself and NO LONGER CAPABLE of handling the pace you have been up to now! It may sound cruel but this is reasonable and it is fact: she needs to be helped by professionals and this may be the approach you will consider. She is now requiring care that is leaning toward "round the clock." If you said to him that he may end up with his mother, but not his wife since this may kill you before it kills her, would he HEAR YOU? PT is not going to kill her. They are pros and know what pace to set for her rehabilitation, not you and not your husband. They won't overwork her - but the "cushy" life and having you, her handmaiden on call 24/7 would definitely make her want to return to the comforts of home, and not to a facility. There is another thread on here that spoke to caring for people who are mean-spirited, selfish and full of an attitude of entitlement, and it has nothing to do with being old, it's been for a lifetime. My own mother has burned her bridges and left her quarters in my brother's home because no matter what my sister in law or brother did for her, it was never enough. She now lives in an assisted living place and from what I hear, she isn't happy there either, because happiness comes from within and is built over a lifetime. if you're miserable, you're miserable and nothing will change it. You will be like the proverbial hamster on a treadmill, working hard to get somewhere but just going in circles. Take the bull by the horns, call the hospital, speak to the coordinator and have your husband with you, on speakerphone, and get to the bottom of where mom goes next. You deserve to be heard in this issue, since it appears "Mommy" spares her son, but definitely not his wife. Sorry for spouting, but this really touches a nerve.

Funnier, thru my experience, I can tell you Medicare will pay up to 20 days of rehab after being released from hospital. Her dr has to order the rehab. Medicare will pay up to 100 days a year. So quick! Convince her dr she needs to build up her strength before returning home. Good luck! Lisa

Yes--have your husband contact her doctor and quickly. I thought it was more than 20 days, but can't swear to that. Maybe this is why there is a hold up at the hospital anyway. My mother was still in the hospital after everyone was told she was 'due to come home' after her car accident. She, unlike your MIL, did NOT want to come home. She wanted to go to a NH where she could get waited on! She never told anyone (until we found out from a floor nurse) that she called Medicare to say she was being denied her rights. She got her way and stayed in a facility for quite a few weeks, just as she wished.