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At some point sooner or later, MIL will cease her life here on this earth and I will have to pretend to be saddened by her passing. I will have to be worth of an Oscar, though, because I will not be saddened at all.


She was admitted to the hospital two days ago with what they "think is a kidney stone", but they haven't decided even yet what to do about it. She has diabetes and her sugar readings are always high lately, even on consistent medications and insulin. She is refusing to eat at the hospital and is very, very weak now. She hasn't kept any food down since early last Saturday.


I've had two days now of complete relaxation and it feels great. They can keep her there for a month and I would appreciate it a lot. My house is quiet with the oxygen concentrator turned off and the oscillating fan turned off, her TV turned off. Things seem normal again for a few minutes.

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You don't have to fake grief. Many people have feelings like you have. You've had a very difficult time caring for a woman who you may not have been that close with. You've been grieving a long time over your "lost life." Now, you will get some of that life back. Just remain dignified and kind. You don't have to fake tears or real grief. You can rightful think and say, "At least she is done suffering" if a response is necessary. Take care of yourself,
Carol
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I'm guessing and I could be wrong, but I suspect that you will continue to mourn what you've probably mourned all along. I would be sad not to have had a mother in law as a loving, nurturing part of my life. Some people have that, and others don't. You apparently not only didn't have it, you had the added burden of taking care of her.

You don't owe anyone an oscar performance. Keep your responses dignified, for your sake. Grieve the loss you've always experienced and which is over now. No faked responses are needed.
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She may rally. Don't let her come back into your house from the hospital. It's time for a nursing home (probably has been for awhile). You really sound like you're at the end of your rope. You've done more than enough. You deserve a life. And (to the other commenter), yes - some of us MAY wind up having a long, torturous slide to our deaths (though we'd all prefer to die in our sleep long before that!). That doesn't mean that we all want to drag our families down the slope with us.
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Funnierthanme...I don't think it makes you a bad person to feel the way you do, in fact, I'm in awe of people like you who move an elderly parent into their homes and commit to their care. You are saints on earth in my opinion. Truly. Its one of the kindest, most selfless things you could ever do. My parents live in their own home and I go to them. It will be this way until they need to go into a NH. Am I a bad person? I don't think so. I know what I can and can't do though. When my parents pass away, I'll be one of those people who say "her suffering is over now" or "he lived a long life". I won't be wringing my hands and crying either. I wish I could be though. It would have been nice to have had so much feeling for them, but that wasn't in the cards, and we do the best we can. I'm kind to my parents and I keep my obligations and I try to put some humor into the goings on at their house, and they appreciate that and they look forward to seeing me, and that's all I can do - do the best I can with a smile, even a forced one! You've cared for your mil in your home, and that's your contribution, and its a huge one. You don't need to contribute tears too.
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terrimerritts, take you sanctimonious attitude right on out of here and STUFF IT.

you don't have anything nice to say, so get out.
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Everyone grieves differently. I didn't see any tears from my Mother for her husband of 33 years when he passed. It has been 4 years now and only maybe once have I seen her cry about him being gone. I love my mother and I grieve about daily for her. I don't know if I will be grieving when she passes. When my Dad passed I did not grieve. I am sorry, but he was so mean to me in life that I was relieved when he passed. I forgive him, but I don't have him constantly reminding me how great he is and how I am not what he wanted me to be. Whatever that was, he was not willing to contribute to it. All in all, I find that I am good enough because of what my Jesus did for me. I am what I am supposed to be. Sometimes, we just need it all to stop. But, that doesn't happen the way we want. We have to find more patience. Yes, we need breaks now and then. We need help. We need guidance. Thank God for this site!
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I don't think anyone here believes in throwing people away - I think this is supposed to be a safe place to vent. I think its understandable that people have their limits and not every old person can be loved and revered when there may be a history there that prevents that. Not everyone can be as self righteous, saintly and loving as you, terri. And, I don't think for one minute funnierthanme's husband needs your pity. Sheesh. This woman needs to vent. She doesn't need to be preached to as to how rotten of a person she is when you don't even know her.
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She obviously does not understand the spirit in which this board was created. This is a NON-JUDGMENTAL area! This is for us to speak our minds and say things to each other that we cannot really say to anyone else--anonymously. This board has helped me enormously and I appreciate it. And I certainly do hope that funnierthanme can ignore that judgmental comment. As I say in so many of my posts that you don't know what anyone is going through unless you walk in their shoes. I wish the board moderator could remove any posts that can be considered judgmental or toxic. Only supportive posts belong here.
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Umm, excuse me funnier, but do you have a life? Do you want one? You are considering putting off your own surgery so that MIL won't have to cope with a stranger taking her potty. ARE YOU CRAZY?!

It sounds like the people in your house who are important are #1 MIL, #2 Husband and then waaaaay down the list, little ol' you. Why do you put up with that crap? Seriously, why are you allowing this to continue in the same old pattern?
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Dear, I feel like Im reading my own comments after reading yours. I know EXACTLY how you feel as I am in the same situation. Eerily to a tee. Your MIL isn't named Mary is she? lol But I know the absolute frustration you feel with your situation. The only thing I do is make sure I do something for myself every day. Which usually involves my computer. If I didnt have an outlet, I would have been gone a long time ago. Hang in there kiddo. Things will get better for you. If you have had this kind of patience for this long, you are a saint. So we should pat ourselves on the back for hangin in there!!!! Good luck to you!!!
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