Have I messed up? Not feeling very good about my decision.

Has it ever occurred to you that because of the love and concern you feel for your dad, you might be overthinking and micro thinking every thought you have concerning his care?

That may be the case.

If, as it sounds, he is unlikely to be able to be SAFE and contented in his home, it may be time to take that choice out of consideration.

MY OWN dear LO was a significant “escape risk” in her early days in AL, and I finally had an assessment done by an amazing g geriatric psychiatric assistant who worked with the residence. Her meds were adjusted, and there was an almost immediate improvement.

You are a bright, intuitive, very caring daughter. Time to give your good thoughts a longer trial, and above all, time to relax and let your ideas enough time to play out before you change your mind again and switch to something else.

The pain when my dear LO was trying desperately to escape her lovely new surroundings was devastating to us, but from it, I learned that no solutions when dealing with elderly LOs are likely to be perfect, or even pretty good.

Seek solace in being able to keep Dad safe and as comfortable as possible. It will be unfair to you to try to do any more.

I really don't see how he will ever be able to go back to his home. He would need 24/7 care and the cost would be as much as placing him in an AL.

You and your husband are expecting too much from Dad. With Dementia the ability to reason is gone. His short-term memory makes it impossible to remember what you have said to him from day, minute to minute. And this WILL get worse. Processing what you say has slowed down. Arguing with him is useless.

Dementia is hard to live with because it has no rhyme or reason. What they do one day, they can't do the next. From what I read your husband has a hard time dealing with it. I would consider getting him in an AL ASAP. The sooner he is placed, the sooner he excepts it as his home.

Behavioral units vary. For the most part, they can handle an agitated patient much more easily than other facilities. Medication can be useful or dangerous. The fact that they are not using it may indicate that they are taking better care of him not worse. Calming down an agitated person with medication can be helpful; too often it is used to what we called "snow" a person. Makes them quiet and easy to manage, but can also have all sorts of damaging side effects. It is usually much better to have experienced individuals manage it. Is it possible for you to meet with his care team on the unit? Ask nicely and explain you don't know much about this kind of care and certainly want to learn more. It is a good sign that you are worried and concerned. Often, these units have a social worker and that person is a good first source of information.

Hello,
I'm trying to understand how the hospital was able to place him in a particular facility against your will? I've heard medical staff say a person cannot return to their own home alone but he was living with you. I would think you can remove him from this location and place him in a facility of your choosing. It sounds like you need to have someone advocate for you. Can you speak with your father's doctor or a social worker? I think what I'm hearing is that it was believed placement would be quicker and easier if he were placed directly from a hospital instead researching facilities and then placing him.

Caregiving can place a strain on marriages. Sorry for what you've been going through. We had to cancel a vacation this year because we couldn't take my father and could find anyone to care for him.

Don't think you have "messed up", just maybe need to begin with his primary care Doc. From what you posted, he does need to be in either Assisted Living or Nursing home. The "amount" of personal care our loved ones need can be much more than time consuming - emotionally we must also remember that we must take care of ourselves too, That can mean putting that loved on into "professional" hands for their care and living environment. This allows us to take a breath and continue to handle the things of theirs and ours that make their lives better ---- AND YES it will be better. Blessings and love on this journey.

You need to get him out asap.
They probably are giving him all kinds ofraters.

I hope someone checked him for a simple UTI which totally changes a person
Prayers.

I have been a caregiver for about 8 years. You will probably find just the opposite. Nursing homes will want him to be evaluated and treated mentally. What you are going through is quite common. You are doing the right thing for your Dad and yourself.

Although the overall situation was different, I had a family member who was deliberately sent to a behavioural unit for a few days so that medicare would pay when he was sent to a nursing home. (There was justification for the behavioural unit.) Medicare, of course, does not pay for a permanent stay. I just mention this as an example that the stay in the behavioural unit in this case did not keep the patient from getting placed in a nursing home.

Seems like he is in incapable of caring for himself at home. Yes?

Seems like his confusion, agitation, demanding to "go home," and acting out meets criteria for an involuntary admission to a psychiatric unit for evaluation and treatment. Yes?

The arguing between your father and husband is concerning that your father may be a case of potential elder abuse. Staff have a duty to report all suspicions.

So, you need to approach this admission from the perspective of asking (not demanding) the doctor and staff what is the problem and how can you help.

Getting problem behavior evaluated and treated actually increases your father's likelihood of being able to remain in a residential facility.

You are absolutely right that the cost of a live-in caregiver from an agency cost as much as a nursing home and assisted living in our area (made those call). So the only other option besides a nursing home is still adult daycare with a Medicaid waiver worker for another 7 hours a day. Then he would be on his own because the sibling that still lives in his home says she doesn’t want him back in his home.

I’ve not thrown nursing homes out with the bathwater. I’m just trying to take my time and get him in a good one even if it means travel time but most love ones including my hubby are in a hurry and just want me to get it done. Kind of like the pressure I felt when getting him into that behavioral unit. My dad and mom were big pieces of my heart and I want to do right by him whether at home or in a nursing home.

I hope I’ve not set my expectations too high for dad. Most days we don’t argue and do well together but my hubby just works my nerves. As my daughter says, how can dad tell someone else to stop yelling when he’s been a yeller himself for years and can’t be reasoned with and he does not suppose to have that problem. But I have to give hubby some credit for trying to help with dad even now. He has always been there for dad when his six sons have not but he is not doing well with where dad is now.

So two facilities have his information but I don’t know how soon they would get him approved. One is in our area (rating is down now - don’t really want him there) and the next one is an hour away (decent rating). Plus he will be around all his specialist (heart, prostate, lung, and possibly a neurologist although not geriatric). No travel time will be involved like it would be if placed near me.

So now you have family upset about that idea but I feel it is about him and not about us. Why not have him where he can have access to what he needs and possibly better care even if we have to travel a bit? It would have been an honor to care for him a while longer but it’s not just me in my home.

Another thing is I’ve been trying to buy time in my home to see what the courts decide but no hearing date so far. If he does not get to go back home, I want to put his home up for sale to make sure he gets the proper care and things he needs. Once in a nursing home, his check will be gone and I’ll still have burial insurance to cover. I know how I like to see him dressed and appear cared for as he deserves. He may have not been the best dad but he took care of us.

But you can’t please everyone. Thanks for listening and holding me up, I feel so sad right now regarding dad and my body is going crazy headed for this menopause thing. Just got back from the hospital a few days ago getting a blood transfusion and I hate what they're asking me to do to not require another transfusion. I hope medicine and the procedure have advanced. Sigh!

Appreciate all of you!!!