She doesn’t want to go to AL, but says she wishes to “die at home”. I love my mom. My mother is important to me. I want to help her stay in her accessible home, but I am so burned out! Compassion fatigue, really. She doesn’t seem to get it.
She has become very self-centered and doesn’t seem to care about my needs.
I think she expects me to give up my life for her. Actually, I just saw the last BEST years of my life go to HER and her care. I just turned 70. I just want to rest and have no more demands on me. I want to have peace and quiet. I have not had a life of my own since I came to help her. I have no friends, know no one in her town. I just try to persevere. What’s the matter with me? Few people would do this, I think.
My bro lives in Colorado, and does not call often. My sis lives 5 hrs. away, is busy, and relieves me for 3 days every 4 months. Otherwise, I am here 24/7 with no time away. Mom has grown dependent on me, of course. She doesn’t like it when I get my respites, but she copes. She seldom asks about my own welfare. If I get sick, she pretty much ignores it. What is that? She was never like that before in our earlier days. She was awesome, then! It is difficult to let go of earlier concepts of your mom. I want to help her, but, too much is too much. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I am depressed, anxious, and resentful. I don’t want to live my last years feeling that way.
I know I need to place her. I have a couple of places lined up. It’s mostly that I can’t do it because she doesn’t want to. Her mind is pretty good. She would miss her “things”, so, I think I should wait. I don’t know—what about me?
I have sacrificed so much for her, because I love her. I may have sacrificed too much. I don’t feel very good anymore. I know I won’t live as long as she has, She’s almost 91.
I am looking for an inexpensive home or cheaper rental. None exist. In our area, the inventory is low. I can’t find anything I can afford. Been looking 4 yrs.
I thought maybe if I bought something, at least I’d have a place to go, two days a week while I continue to care for mom. I know I am more fortunate than many who post here.
I would like any comments or IDEAS to help me move forward. I seem to be stuck. Thanks. (I have posted before).
I guess I am reaching the end of it. It’s mom or me. Unfortunately, I have already sacrificed most of me to her needs! I don’t have much of my former self intact anymore! I feel so old. Maybe the therapist will have a cancelation!
Thanks for your reply!
i would tell you: “you are important”. Your life and well being are just as crucial as the well being of your mom. While the transition to an ALF may be difficult, the new environment may bring her joy. Put yourself first.
My mom passed 6 months ago. I am just now getting to the point where I am embracing life again. It makes me realize all that I did all of those years and how much I had put my life on hold. I did not do everything perfectly. Mom was not always happy in the ALF but it was the right decision to balance our two lives….enough care for her and relief for me (and my husband).
Be brave.
I went through this as a caregiver for my mom. Until we send the message that it is important to us to live our own lives, they will continue to rely upon us for their needs.
My mom lived to be 95. I spent 14 years caring for her in my home. It’s extremely difficult. The more that you give, the more they expect.
Break unhealthy cycles and take your life back.
Thank you so much for your help. You DID help me. K
If you asked any person they would all say that they'd like to die at home, but often times that's just not feasible.
Your mom has had her life, and now it's time for you to enjoy whatever time you have left as well.
You don't list what your moms health issues are that you're having to be with her 24/7, but it's time for her to go into either an assisted living facility or skilled nursing facility, depending on the care required.
If you don't make the necessary changes to move out of moms house (and place her)and start taking care of yourself, you're going to be in the statistic where the caregiver dies before the one they're caring for. Sadly that happens a lot.
So it's now time to put your big girl panties on and tell mom that as much as you love her that you just cannot do this anymore and that she has no choice but to go into some type of care facility.
She will adjust, and the odds are she will even like it, as she will be around other folks her own age and will be kept busy with different activities.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR MOMS!!! If your mom was in her right mind she would not want you to do that either. I know you say that her mind is "pretty good" but I'm venturing to guess that there has to be some mental decline or even dementia going on for her to be so self absorbed.
I do hope and pray that the next time you post, it will be about how great you now feel since your mom has been placed in the appropriate facility, and that you're living and enjoying your life once again.
God bless you.
I have never known with my mom “how much is enough”. That’s another issue, but it speaks to why I keep trying so hard to help her, to make her happy, to keep her safe. I also suffer from incredible self-doubt. So, I have trouble discerning how to know/set boundaries, of course. Mom doesn’t seem capable of the kind of mothering that recognizes “unconditional love”. I could be wrong, but, her “conditions” have always been in the background, and she has most always acted in self-serving ways. Not ever having been a mother, I feel great respect for that role, and think women must also care for themselves while in such a demanding endeavor. I also have great respect for those things I don’t
know. Maybe mom was just caring for herself. But the fact that I never learned how to care for MYSELF from mom, rather learned to SERVE her, makes me wonder (I clearly have therapy work to do). More therapy work.
My mom is VERY fortunate to have me. This, I know. But, I must do what you write of-put on the big girl pants, etc. Maybe she’s just waiting for me to cry “UNCLE”, so to speak. I know we have to talk.
Thank you so very much for your thoughts and words. K
You are in a trance. You are on automatic response. Tell sister to come and move her and you will continue to visit her and take care of her business. Or hire someone to take care of you both. DO SOMETHING to break the spell.
Big Hugs
It’s best for both of you .
If she was “awesome”, the way you remember her to be , she would not want you to continue the way things are . You need to take care of you. She needs more care than you can provide. Let her have a whole staff to care for her . Place her and you can visit .
(she refused to get hearing aids, so, our communication is compromised), she can barely walk to the bathroom, has incontinence. (and has a stubborn personality, but she IS charming!-she is also critical, bossy, and demanding!)
I am having a hard time placing her, simply because I know she doesn’t wish to leave her home. I want out after 6 yrs., but I feel torn about mom. Is there something wrong with me that I put mom first?
A full neuropsych workup indicated cognitive impairment to the extent that she should no longer drive, live alone or pay her own bills.
Getting this assessment was key in getting my siblings to understand that mom's fears and anxiety were not something she was bring on herself (something she always told us when we were young and depressed or anxious) but a real condition that had been caused by an undiagnosed stroke.
The fact that mom cannot live alone does not equal "I have to stay".
You need to leave for your own health.
At this rate, you could die before she does. Then who would take care of mom?
You've done your bit. Now get out of there. Doing so does not make you a bad child. It makes you a child who is not too beaten down to make good choices.
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