If you have an elderly parent, how do you not have the heart to take care of a human being that has no way to take care of themselves?

For many people it is simply not possible. It's not a question of "heart", its a problem that involves time, ability and money. Often children need to work and can't be home and don't have help from others or financial means to hire outside help. That's why we have AL and MC and SNF's. I'm not sure what you are getting at but hopefully that helps answer your general question.

You are on a caregiver site so I think the majority here are or have in the past been caregivers.
Everyone here has their own story to tell - some have suffered a lifetime of abuse from their families; some have tried to provide care but are rejected; some have loved ones whose physical or mental needs are beyond what they can safely provide for; many are older themselves and have their own limitations; some have young families who must be their first priorities; and of course many must work to provide for themselves and their own futures.

Also, many caregivers have multiple people in need in their families, so they have to triage. At one time, I had three elderly parents with health problems, a husband with health problems and I worked full time. One day, two parents were in the same hospital, I was checking on the third and my husband had just been dx'd with PD. I was getting two hours sleep and my wise son told me something had to give. My husband was my first priority, one parent went into AL and the other two brought in help and we helped where we could. It wasn't about heart - it was about what was humanly possible. I couldn't personally do hands on care for all, but I saw that they were cared for right thru their last hospital stays.

Taking care of an elder doesn't necessarily mean providing hands on care; it can mean making sure the elder receives the hands on care they need from in home help or a LTC facility. After helping my mother provide my father's in home care for nearly 2 decades, the time came when he wasn't safe at home and trying to keep him safe was destroying my mother's health so Dad had to enter an MC. It was very difficult to do, but both parents' health immediately improved.

"Taking care" is a broad term.
We all have our limitations! It's possible to love someone, but not be able to care for them in your own home.
As Linda22 put so aptly, some of us are caring for multiple elderly loved ones.
Some of us are dealing with our own health issues.
We are not all wired the same way. God gave us all special gifts.
God bless all of us that love and care(even from a distance) for our elderly LOs!

According to your profile, you are helping care for your mother who lives in Independent Living. So I'm not sure what question you are asking here........since your mother is obviously able to take care of herself to some degree, if she's living independently, right?

We all have 'heart'. We're all human. We're all here on a care givers site either caring for a loved one, or multiple loved ones, in our homes, or in their homes, or in residential care home settings..........but that's what we're all doing. Including you, it sounds like. To the best of our abilities. I'm not thinking any of us have thrown our loved ones out in the street to fend for themselves & scrounge around for food.

While your question may not be judgmental, it's coming off that way. Maybe you should expand on what you're really trying to say or to ask here.

Have a great day.

It’s takes a heart to ensure your parent is properly cared for. Many elders deteriorate to a point where they need A VILLAGE to take care of them. One person is not a village. Many here do not have siblings that are able and willing to be part of the village. Everyone here who’s parent is in LTC or at home with hired caregivers is still a caregiver and is still taking care of their parents. Taking care of your parents is more than just hands on work. And let me tell you, you have to have a big heart to realize your parents need MORE care than you can provide & to make the heart wrenching decision to place them in AL or memory care or a nursing home. It’s not a decision you can make if you are weak and heartless.

My "gift" is not Caregiving. I just don't have the stamina or the strength.

Our parents are "leaving past their experation date" as my daughter who is an RN says. You have a 90+ year old who is nearly deaf and vision is not good. You are his/her daughter who is in her Mid sixties and senior too. Then there's where the child has their own health issues trying to care for a parent.

I have noticed lately there are a number of forty somethings caring for 60/70 year olds. This people work and still have children. Throw Dementia into all this or narcissism and it becomes very hard.

Its not that people don't have the heart, its that they may not be able to.

I think in an ideal world our parents would all be sweet and loving and kind and as children we would have an endless amount of time, money and an infinite amount of resources to look after them until they died sweetly and peacefully at home surrounded by love.

But that's not realistic is it? Some of us were blessed with wonderful parents and even then it wasn't within our abilities or financial means to take care of them ourselves. Then there are those on the other side who had abusive parents who never provided the love and stability a child deserves and still were taken care of until the end by children who were not under any obligation to do this but made the sacrifice anyhow.

I was one of the lucky ones. I had a kind, loving mother and I tried to keep her at home and look after her until I just could not anymore. But I still made sure she was looked after properly at the nursing home until she declined and eventually passed.

So to say "How do you not have the heart" is a broad statement. Sometimes having the heart is just not enough.

Your question does come off judgmental. Not everyone can live like the Waltons. Not everyone can quit their job to take care of someone who could not be bothered to plan for their own future. Seriously....I am shocked at the number of people who say they quit their jobs to care for someone then are shocked they have no money to live on.

Not everyone is able to do hands on care giving. I am 53 and my husband is 71. I will do my best to care for him at home when the times comes but there are limitations.....if I cannot leave him alone for more than an hour at a time, if he gets violent or verbally nasty, if the work becomes 24/7 and more than one person can handle...then he will have to go to a NH. My father is 93. Just on personality alone I could not do hands on care giving. That does not make me a bad person. I am smart enough to know what my limitations are.

If your mom is in independent living, I do not think you have a clue what dementia can do to a person.  My mom is 100 and lives with me.  Many, many nights she is up EVERY hour.   This means I do not get a good nights sleep. I have to go put her back in bed and stop from falling.   This cannot go on forever.   I am 66 and hope to work till 70 but there are weeks I don't know if I can do it. 

Come back to us when your mom has dementia and you are forced with more difficult choices.  Of course, your answer is your mom will go to NH or memory care, like many people here.  Not certain why are you calling any heartless

Sometimes the real question may be, "Do you have the heart to do what is best for your parents and secure the professional care they need?" It is heart-wrenching and difficult, but sometimes the only choice.

Your profile states that you work full time and you are helping to care for your mother and you enjoy spending time with her. News flash !!!! this means that you either have other help caring for your mother or she hasn't advanced far and can stay home alone while you are at work. Trust me it usually isn't like that as the disease progresses. Can you afford to quit your full time job without your pension and social security benefits being affected? If you can that is great but most folk can't afford to. My mother and I were best friends, we confided in one another, we went on trips together, talked on the phone daily(she lived in a different state) and it was a pleasure to spend time with her. I was similar to you at one time, I said I would never place my mother in a facility because that was terrible and I just couldn't understand why someone would place their parents in a facility. That is until my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers & Dementia. My husband and I brought her to live with us for 4 years and before I placed her in a memory care facility I could not stand to be in the same room with her because she wasn't my mother as I had always known her she was out of control. I didn't know what she would do next (verbal outburst, cursing, fighting, taking all of her clothing out of her closet daily and placing them throughout the house, incontinent, not sleeping, wandering, eloping, delusional and hallucinating just to name a few) and this was with medication. As Kenny Rogers song states "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em , know when to walk away and know when to run". Even if your mother is humble as a lamb the wear and tear of 24/7 care will take it's toll on you and some don't even realize how much caregiving affects their life and health until after the placement or death of a loved one. Please come back to this forum and let us know how it works out for you after the disease progresses.

Sparklicious,
I have been thinking a lot about you. I see that you were met with lots of pushback. I'm praying it doesn't fall on deaf ears.
I would like to share a bit of my story with you and hope it will be objectively received.
I am just a few years older than you. While the last two years have been tough ( my brothers suicide, my father passed and lost a very good friend), I was still happy . Well adjusted.
In October my Uncle passed away. He never shared the extent of my Aunts dementia. Their only son is mentally ill. So what I thought was going to be a quick trip to CA to help my Aunt plan his funeral, turned into 7 weeks of Hell! Restraining order against my cousin, trying to figure out how best to care for my Aunt.
She refused to leave the area she had known for 43 years. Change is terrifying for dementia patients. I live in another state. I found a wonderful ALF for her in her home town, near her church and friends. My peaceful life went off the rails. I now handle all of her finances and her multiple needs.
Shortly thereafter, my mother moved 30 minutes away from me. She also depends on me.
On top of all this, I have been diagnosed with colon cancer.
I am happy for you that at this point you are happy about caregiving for your Mom.
What I am wondering about is the lack of response on your part.
This group has been a wonderful respite for those of us that are not as gleeful as you.
I pray that your experience will continue to be positive.
However, if it takes a "demented " turn for the worse, most everyone here will be a blessing to you.
Be careful not to alienate those of us that have been forged by fire .
God bless!

I appreciate the conversation you started here @Sparklicious. Having put my Mother in AL during these devastating and uncertain times breaks my heart. I am finding some solace in the comments here, but I get where you’re coming from.

Do you mean if you don't do all the hand's on care yourself? It's not always possible even for those that set out do to so.

A guy I met last year said in his cultural background you just didn't put elders into 'homes'.

For a long time he helped keep his beloved (ex-boxer) father in his own home but dx of frontal-temporal lobe dementia causing verbal & physical abusive behavior. He did all he could to protect his mother. Put his career on hold, changed jobs, moved in with them, lost a relationship. He was a strong man but was punched & kicked many times. The father even grabbed a knife one day. Medication made him a zombie that would cause falls, unable to move or manage continence.

The father was placed into a secure facility.

The son could then encourage his mother to rebuild her life. She did not have the status of a widow in her community, but had to live like one (but with her husband living). They continued to visit the father even though he no longer recognised them.

So that's another side of caregiving. Encouraging people to continue living.

Sparkle, you have not come back to answer any questions, so I'm guessing at this point (9 days later) you won't.

I think you see all the points that are being made here. Or were you just a "post and run" type, intending to stir something up? We're too wise for that, darlin'...