My mother (age 78) moved into a memory care facility at the end of June after my father (age 85) and I (age 40) tried many home caregivers and our situation was not sustainable. The facility is great. Not perfect, but miles above what I feared we would be dealing with. Expensive as hell though, but worth it, imo. She hates being there and asks to come home constantly. She says she feels like she's in prison, but the fact that she's even talking is a big improvement over what we saw at home.
After a very rough transition for about 6 weeks, my dad felt guilty and started bringing her home on the weekends. He has a really hard time wrapping his brain around her dementia and often gaslights himself into thinking she is in better condition than she is. She is extremely intelligent and so knows how to mask her symptoms pretty well and can often appear much more "with it" than she actually is.
I was against his choice to bring her home on weekends because I felt it was not allowing her to adjust to the facility properly, and because when he brings her home on the weekends, he doesn't do anything to take care of her so it's all left to me to do.I am a full time nanny and need to be able to have a weekend to just... not be a caregiver to recharge for the week again.
I have been trying to stay firm to the boundaries I laid by insisting he do the caregiving if he wants to bring her home, but it's incredibly difficult when it's 1pm on Sunday and I realize he hasn't even gotten her out of bed yet. So inevitably, I fail and end up taking care of her anyway because I'm not willing to let her suffer because my father is not a caregiver like that.
Most importantly, the difference between her at the facility and her at home is night and day. Every single weekend she comes home and just sits on the couch, staring at the tv, not even comprehending it most of the time. She doesn't really talk, doesn't get up and walk around, doesnt interact with anyone, doesn't eat (anything other than snacks and sweets), nothing. We have to drag her out of bed in the afternoon because she just sleeps in forever. She won't go for a walk or move off the couch.
At the facility, they are all up and doing activities at 8am. She's eating actual meals more regularly, getting up and moving around all day, and she actually talks! She gets to interact with so many people every day and she's a very social person. She is a bit of a stubborn curmudgeon about all of it, but she's doing it and she's benefitting, whether she sees it or not. She even helps my dad and I complete crossword puzzles now daily!!
But when she's at home, she's quiet and not complaining, so it's easier on my dad's guilt. Whenever she has a few more bad days/moments where she's upset about being there and accusing us of imprisoning her, he starts talking about moving her back home. I think it's a bad idea and have been trying to point out all the ways in which she does better when she's there vs at home. To me, it's being irresponsible with her care to consider moving her back and forth like this.
Has anyone ever moved a loved one OUT of memory care and back home? My big fear is once she is home again and he remembers why we moved her there in the first place, he will change his mind again! Ultimately, as her husband (and the one paying for the facility), it's up to him to make the decision.ive been trying to find any articles that talk about whether it's harmful to move someone with dementia out of care like that but cant find anything that fits our situation.If anyone has experience with this I would love to hear about it!
Don’t do it!
Happy walks out the door when dementia arrives. Mom is going to complain about anything she can, partly to get your (and dad's) attention. "Poor me, poor me, you are so cruel to put me in this place where I have everything I need and people to take care of me." So dad falls all over himself to make her happy, which is not happy.
You are completely right, and dad clearly counts on you to make up for his shortcomings. What if you didn't? Do not agree with dad one single bit. Make yourself scarce. Walk out of the room if he starts in about moving her home permanently. That is something that he would regret, you would regret, and mom declines when she doesn't have regular meals, friends, and activities. She's in the best place she can be!
I wish you luck with this horrific problem. Suggestion: whenever dad starts in, ask yourself if you are enabling his wrongthink. The answer will more times than not be YES. Refuse to enable him or mom or anything that interferes with the goal of mom's staying in the facility. And by the way, my husband is in a fine facility, and I see the benefits of this type of care every single day. Moving him home would be unthinkable because he has been helped so much by being there. I want him home - but that can never be. I had to come to peace with that, but your dad gives no sign that he can.
Complaints are the NORM in placement. They are the norm for families that find the care imperfect. They are the norm for the elders, who, as my brother in care said, is one of two subjects the elders sit about expounding over every day. His comment: "Pretty much we have time to sit in the gazebo and complain about everyone and his or her shortcomings all day. That and watch the ambulances and hearse coming and going".
That's the truth. This isn't a great time in life. Not a happy time.
You are in the position now where you are taking on the "happiness" of loved one who cannot be made happy in this time, and the ruination of your own life as you jump on the burning funeral pyre WILL NOT LEAD TO HAPPINESS FOR ANYONE.
I am sorry to be so blunt. But that is the fact. And if you make his mistake I will be proven right.
The even more sad fact is that YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS.
I wish you the best whatever your decision. Truly I do.
I hope he doesn't act on his emotions. I feel for him and I know how gutted the fact of your mothers decline must be for him. I am in a similar situation with my parents and there is a fine line a child needs to walk. This may need to be a little manipulative on your end in a loving way of course. You need to gentle support your fathers feeling but be very clear it is not in the best interest of either of their health. I would also involve the MC facilities DON and Social Worker to intervene and guide him to make the decision for your mother to remain in MC.
IF he does make the very unwise choice to discharge your mother and bring her back to live at home you will need to become very "uninvolved" with the situation. Visit and make very clear that you do not support the unwise decision and will not be involved with any crisis. And, in the best interest of your mother, you may need to contact APS to report neglect if your father fails to care for her in a manner that is unsafe.
I have much empathy because I do realize the emotional conflict of the situation. Wishing you the best of luck.
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