Has anyone made the decision to place their spouse in a memory care facility?

Think of it this way: you're setting your wife up in a safe, warm, friendly environment in her own private apartment where she'll have familiar items from home surrounding her. She'll have others to socialize with, 3 hot meals a day served to her, 3 snacks a day, games, movies, events to attend outside the Memory Care she'll be taken to, and YOU to go visit her and take small gifts and treats for her to enjoy. You can go daily and stay as long as you like, too. You can take her out to dinner if she's amenable to such a thing (many residents are, some are not so easy to get back TO the Memory Care afterward; you'd have to play it by ear on that), or join her for dinner in the dining room.

I worked in a Memory Care ALF in 2019/2020 as a front desk receptionist and met with lots of spouses who had NO other choice but to place their loved one with us, for safety reasons. They'd come by all the time to visit their spouse and spend time with them, or take them out for a meal or ice cream, etc. It's not the house of horrors you've conjured up in your mind, or a heartbreaking situation except from the disease perspective. Dementia/Alzheimer's is a terrible thing to endure for ALL concerned. Nobody escapes the burden that comes with the disease; not you, not your wife, nobody.

My mother lived in regular AL for 4 years and then had to segue into Memory Care for the last nearly 3 years of her life. She received wonderful care there by a team of truly loving people, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I was put in the same position again. There are situations we simply cannot deal with alone at home, and that's when Memory Care is the only option (or Skilled Nursing, depending on the finances). Don't let 'guilt' play a part in your decision making, either, b/c in reality, were your wife to wander off, fall down and die from a resulting head injury, THEN the guilt would be far worse than it would be from placing her in a safe and warm environment. I used to care for a man with AD who did that very thing; fell in the street at 3 am and died of a subdural hematoma the next day in the hospital. His daughter felt he 'wasn't ready' for Memory Care and that he should be left to 'age in place' in his home......with advanced Alzheimer's going on!

Wishing you the best of luck with all the decisions you have to make.

Hard, hard, hard decision to ever make. But you are now thinking about it. I had to make that decision with my Daddy. I loved him soooo much but placing him gave me the ability to just love him and visit with him and I didn't have to be the bad guy anymore. He lived 12 years longer than my beloved Mama and I hated having to place him. He didn't like it but the days I visited were much more pleasant because we could love each other, watch tv with each other and talk about old times with each other. Taking care of someone with a memory problem is not easy. Just make this time pleasant for you and them and let the other guy do the hard stuff.

No, I haven’t faced memory care. We did face NH for my mother, quite suddenly and sadly. Your wife isn’t safe, not your fault, you’ve done your best. I can’t imagine how frightening to have her wander and need to involve the police to find her. I hope you’ll find a good memory care place and become her advocate and cheerleader in her new, safe setting. I wish you peace

When her care is beyond what you can do then it is time to place her in Memory Care.
It sounds like it is no safe for her to remain at home and it is not safe for you.
Tour a couple Memory Care facilities and find out what is involved to get her in residence. She may have to have a physical if she does not have a current one. She may have to have a TB skin test or blood test. (blood test might be easier, it can be grouped with other tests)
This is going to be more difficult for YOU than it will be for her.
But she will be safe
She will be cared for
You can become her husband again and not her "warden".
She will be able to walk the halls, she will have activities, socialization that she may enjoy.
((hugs))

This is what happened with my Mother. Everything you mentioned. I was trying to run the family store and watch her at the same time. As soon as I got her home she stayed mixed up. I had to chase her down a few blocks away all the time. I came here looking for answers. She was always trying to walk"home" to her family and the house she grew up in. She was always a walker so she enjoyed it but could not at this point know what she was doing. I finally put her in a nice Memory Care. She has been there for about six years. She walks with a walker now. At first she was more confused but I relaxed knowing she was safe. She also has WAY more stimulation than she ever got with just me! She had all these other people to look at and talk to! At first it is hard but a couple of years down the road you will see this was a great blessing to you both. I watched her when she didn't know I was there and she was doing all kinds of activities. Exercise in chairs, painting etc. She does not do all that much more because it has been 6 years now. But she has dinner partners at her table and still watches everyone. I was at my wits end and it is so exhausting to keep up with the walker type. Strangers were bringing her back to her home in cars because I put tags on her outerwear. I found her in the cemetery behind her house, in a park several blocks away, at the grade school and everywhere else. I just visited yesterday at the Memory Care. She was sitting with a bunch in a circle playing a balloon game. She was laughing. At home she would have just sat there and watched birds out the sliding glass window. It has been a long long road but Memory Care was the one great thing that our family did for her and for myself. Because I was going crazy. You can read some of my old posts and I see this very plainly now. It takes a village and this forum is a dang good one! Good luck and you can do this this.

You wouldn't be human if you didn't find it heartbreaking to place her, but there comes a time in the dementia journey for some that placing their loved one is not only best for their loved one but best for them as well. And yes, it sounds like you are at that point where you now must do what is best for you both.
I know that you want your wife safe and well cared for, and at this point memory care is your only option. There she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her advocate and husband. It's a win win for you both.
Will it be hard? Of course it will, but knowing that your wife is now safe and will be bathed and getting her needed medications will bring you great peace of mind.
God bless you both.