My husband has been in a memory care facility for almost 2 years, and it's been really tough. We had so many plans for retirement that didn't happen. I'm alone in our home and he's in the facility. I do visit him every other day and it's sad. All the plans we had are gone. Our only daughter lives in another state and it's very far from where I live. It's hard for her to understand how I feel. I do have a few good friends in the area, but I can't expect them to visit or do things with me all the time, they are busy. I do volunteer work when they call me. I just wanted to know if anyone out there feel the same way. It's been difficult with the covid lockdown too. Any advice from someone who's been there or is there is welcome. Many thanks to everyone.
I've read all your responses many times over and over and feel like I'm not alone and that is so important. Each and every one of you has a unique problem like mine except in a different way. Blessings, hugs and prayers to all of you and thank you all again for helping me climb out of a deep hole
Living alone (with my dog)...plans gone...some good friends you can't expect a lot from...volunteer work...Been there, done that...still kind of doing it.
My situation differs from yours in that I was sole caregiver for the seven months he survived after his dx, whereas you have been stuck in limbo for at least two years.
After my husband died, everything went wrong with the vehicles and around the house (expensive stuff, nothing of which I knew anything about, but had to learn about fast), and all along the way, I had to find a way to bring in income, had to deal with a few people in my circle who were bipolar and off their meds, and the list goes on.
It. was. hard. And scary. But you get through. And you come out the other side okay. Things are different. You adjust.
It's important to keep your mind and body active. You say you are volunteering when they call--the best way to help ourselves is to help others!!--but maybe you can find additional volunteer work. How about a community center class or two in a craft or exercise (like Tai Chi). Anything you've been interested in but just never did it? Some people find a good support group helps them. Make a list of possibilities and keep adding to the list.
Try to think of the financial and mental position you need to be in when you will be truly alone, and work toward that end. The scariest part for me, initially, was the future. How the hell would this work out where I wasn't emotionally depleted and possibly homeless?
No easy answers. You got sucked into a hole and only you can crawl your way out. You have to want to. (Some people don't want to....)
Some days the only thing you can do is put one careful foot in front of the other and call it success. Some days, you force yourself to do more. To accomplish something, no matter how small the task, helps with a sense of self, of normalcy. (There were days I'd tackle something big or unpleasant or scary, and it made me feel like a Marvel super-hero---what a feeling!)
One day when I forced myself out of the house with no idea where I was going, I ended up at a swollen creek near the woods. My kind of thing, anyway. But it didn't feel the way it usually did, the way I needed it to. So now what? I ended up at a casino. I was around people that I didn't have to necessarily talk to and the energy was HIGH. I enjoyed myself. You just never know.
(((One funny thing I learned along the way was I didn't want to talk about the endless loop of chaos that was going on in my world, yet I wanted people to ask. Made no sense.)))
We can't change something if we keep doing the same things. You're not going to change the course of things with your husband, but I'm certain if you put your head into it, you can make changes here and there that will produce a welcomed outcome here and there. You are in a day-by-day existence, sometimes moment-by-moment.
You are not alone in how you feel. Know that.
But also, you are more than a woman living alone with a husband under care. Find out who she is. I'm not sure you've been looking for her, or even realize she exists.
Consider yourself bear-hugged. xoxoxox
People ask about your husband, they don't ask about you.
Your daughter is living her life and does not see what you go through.
Your friends have their lives.
Your husband, the person that WAS going to be with you for the rest of your lives now has his own life separate from yours. And you are fading from that life.
You are mourning the "death" of your life as well as the loss of your marriage.
As I mentioned in another post recently a friend in my Support Group called herself, and others in the group "Married Widows" and the term seems to fit very well.
We often stress the importance of Respite for caregivers.
You are still a caregiver.
You need to get away. Go visit your daughter or pick another place you would like to go and GO! a week or better 2 week getaway.
When you get back find something to do.
Join a class at the local Community College
Join a gym and make a commitment that you go at least 3 times a week.
Volunteer. Animal shelter, Local food pantry, Senior center...so many places need volunteers.
Call your friends and reconnect with them. Make a date to meet up. You may also find that you now do not have a lot in common with them, your life has gone in one direction theirs in another.
Join a Support Group!
Find yourself again. Don't disappear.