My dad is 92 and it's time to make some hard decisions. I am his guardian but he refuses to move. His doctors say he is not safe in his house. His memory is getting worse and he has dementia. The best fix would be to move him out of his house and put him in assisted living or memory care (we're getting to that point). He really needs socialization and loves having coffee and chatting with seniors, like he does at the senior center several times a week. The house is depressing, it is dark, memories of his wife everywhere, and he constantly has his caregivers take him places (usually their entire shift) just to get out of there but he is refusing to move. I feel like I will be taking on too much by moving someone in to his house. I'm not sure I would trust someone and the cost would be horrendous. I am told I need to have grab bars and ramps installed too. I'm already trying to manage him (with the help of daily caregivers), his house maintenance and his 2 cars. I am at the point where I want to give up this guardianship and hand this off to someone else. I'm under a lot of pressure to 'do something'.
Stay his advocate because from how much you are worried about him then I think he will need you in his corner - good luck & I went through this with both of mine at same time so I can say this with experience behind me
But more importantly you know what the next step is (he needs to move to AL and house needs to be reset) and you’re frozen in taking that step. Your his guardian so legally, you have total ability to do whatever whether or not he makes a peep. Being named guardian is a huge, huge, deal, there are oodles on this site who are in the “just a DPOA” rut who can’t legally get crap done with beyond obstinate elder as they legally don’t have the power & authority of guardianship and don’t have the ..... ahem.... bigger personality with just a DPOA to make the elder move out and into a IL, AL or NH whatever’s.
To me there’s a bigger issue on “what to do” and it’s your inability to move forward, so what is it about the situation that needs to happen to get you to your (not your dads) tipping point?
I’m guessing that you still have not dealt your mom’s death. The house still is very much “mom & dads” house for you. She’s still there in your subconscious. What needs to happen to free yourself on this?
Your dad has come to terms with her death, it’s why he wants those paid caregivers to get him out & about. Your dad is a social creature, he goes out for coffee, has set regular conversations with others. Btw that in & of itself is beyond huge plus for his totally transitioning to AL or a NH, he’s likely to get a totally new lease on life once moved.
Perhaps your dad may well be not wanting to move cause he feels your not ready to move away from what the house represents to you. Again what needs to be your tipping point in moving on from the property?
I’d suggest you as a first step call it dads property and not mom & dads home / house.... it will over time create distancing of the emotional draw that it has for you, I’d also suggest you clear 1 room and totally reset it.... if there’s a extra bedroom start there and flat throw stuff out, load your car and take it all to a Goodwill and get rid of whatever draperies in that room as step 1. Load up your Spotify or iTunes or whatever to music motives you. Create a new space as that room is going to be your base & work space for the next 3-6 months as you find a place for him to move to and edit out & to relax in for both you & dad as you jettison stuff in the rest of the property. Good luck.
Also if mom’s clothing is still there, unless your mom had something truly unique about her wardrobe, bag it and take it enmasee to goodwill.
Also noted a Certified Nursing Assistant or any sitter cannot legally dispense and administer medication of any kind, not even tylenol. That is practicing nursing without a license. Only a close family member can administer medications; or licensed practical nurse or registered nurse (working under a doctor) can do so.
GO SEE AN ELDERCARE ATTORNEY TO DISCUSS ESTATE PLANNING. Do it now. If he's still "with it" -- cognizant be sure to get a Power of Attorney.
A note about assisted living: If he is able to control his bowel and bladder, and do basic care like make his own meals, assisted living is ideal. Once they lose bowel and bladder control it's off to the nursing home.
You can also use a payroll service and they provide all the coverage so the estate can not be sued.
In-home care 24/7 is VERY expensive, and I can understand your concerns. Maybe the center where your dad goes provides other services, including social work, that could help sway dad as well. Or is that where the pressure is coming from?
good luck with it all...maybe it would be best to pass on the guardianship, if you're sure...
Now, If you refused to give meds, that is understandable to get in trouble, but so sorry for you in MIL doing this to you. Also, she putting it where you are having to getting it, when many people wish they can get their own medicine without help.
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