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I have brought this problem to the attention of the general manager and she assured me the problem would be addressed. The employee just today told me she said “get used to it this room is your home and your never going home”. This is 100 per cent opposite of what our PCP physician said to tell him. What are my legal rights as a caregiver to request that this employee does not interact with my LO? He has dementia. I want to add this facility is an upscale establishment and is private pay.


I don’t know her motive. He has in the past been a disruptive resident but has gone to psych hospital for medicine adjustment and I’ve been told that he’s no problem now. When she tells him this he gets agitated. I think she wants him to act inappropriately because she knows these statements upset him.

Nursing homes are usually too short staffed to seriously entertain your request. What she is saying sounds like a variation of a standard nursing home mantra these facilities use to get patients to accept where they are, stop fighting it and settle down. If she told you to your face what she is saying, she doesn’t know it’s wrong. It was your duty to point out to her what the doctor said and to kindly instruct her in what you think would be best for her to say under the circumstances. Trying to get this staffer fired seems a bit extreme. What she said is also not considered “emotional abuse” by the state. Telling a resident the truth may be misguided under some circumstances, but it’s not abuse unless this person is telling him this to deliberately get him to act out or to taunt him. The staff needs counseling based on a physicians script. Try to salvage the situation. Your father’s behavior may indeed be contributing to the way staff is reacting to him.

Nursing home residents bring their personalities, attitudes, prejudices and quirks with them to the facility. Putting up with some of these people on a daily basis is a job few people want. Just because a person has dementia doesn’t mean that their underlying personality has disappeared. I suggest that you make friends with the CNA and strategize with her about what works with your dad and what doesn’t. Bringing small gifts for the staff also focuses positive attention on your loved one and makes staff more open to giving you honest feedback about how they are adjusting.
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Reply to Chellyfla
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You saud you were the Caregiver, are you yourself a Relative , in charge of this person or a hired Caregiver?

Besides telling the Management, you should write a letter of your complaint and send it certified to both the Manager and the Employee.

I would also request a meeting with the Nurse or whoever is saying this.

You need to have a camer installed in his room. I use the Nest and you are able to watch day or might. Any time from your computer or cell phone.

That's what I set up for my Dad in his home where he has 24 hr Care.

He also has dementia and Short Term Memory and if someone does something bad to him, he wouldn't remember 5 minutes later.

When the employees know their being watched, they will certainly act better.

Prayers
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Reply to bevthegreat
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Imho, this is unacceptable. Prayers sent.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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This caregiver is using the wrong language. Yes...never going home is most always to be expected. The social worker in the facility can help the caregiver with a "caregiving approach". You are assuming she does this on purpose. A good social worker in the facility can explore her overall "caregiving" and see if she practices this with other patients. If she does, she needs a therapist to help her deal with a problem she has. This must not be ignored as she obviously creating detrimental thoughts with all patients. If it has been some time since the manager has had to work on "her problem"...then he must be approached again. Better yet, call the Ombusdman and let him deal with the manager.
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Reply to DKelso34
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You have every right to ask that the person provoking your LO no longer provides care or contact. As you said, it is psychological abuse.

Contact the floor administration and explain what is happening. If you get no satisfaction there or it is inadequate to stop the abuse, go to the head honcho and make your request known - be sure to use the words "psychological abuse" when you calmly talk to them.

No one should be abused physically or psychologically for any reason - it is against the law!
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Reply to anrean
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pssukind1

I know exactly what you are talking about.

My husband has a brother in Memory Care as well. We were receiving phone calls that my BIL was having behavior issues. I knew something was provoking him. Thus, when I contacted Administrator, she could not given me any answers. It was all my BIL's fault.

I contacted the Ombudsman. She quietly went to see what was going on. She told me "he was being disrespected" by staff.

You know what happened, next? A whole new staff was hired.

Sorry, it does happen but it should not.
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Reply to haileybug
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We had one incidence during my mother’s NH years that she expressed being negative and fearful about an employee there. My mom couldn’t talk much but managed to let us know she had bad encounters with this person. We went to management and requested this person not work with mom again. They honored our request and the person was never assigned to mom again. You’re a paying customer and advocate, it’s not wrong to insist on what your husband needs for his well-being
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Dear Psuskind1,
I want to tell you I was diagnosed with Early Onset Alz about 4 1/2 yrs ago. My mother was Director of Nursing for a Catholic Rehab Center for almost 20 yrs. My mother gave us all an education in Patients Rights, and told us to never forget. We have a responsibility to report misconduct by Health Care Workers when patients complain of mistreatment or abuse, to the Director of Nursing First, if no response, Facility Director, if no response, go to the State's Department of Health.
Now, my mother also warned us that it can be true, that a patient has made things up, not to be vicious, simply that the brain isn't working correctly. A common false statement is, I have nobody that will visit me. Again, this is not always done to stir up trouble, that those of us who suffer from Dementia of any kind, may simply be forgetting their visits, because of Dementia.
Most facilities where I have visited people maintain Visitors Logs. These are designed so the Facility can keep track of who the visitors are, and to be able to tie them to a patient, or an organization whose volunteers come in to the facility to visit with patients or provide entertainment.
I know a Fraternal Organization I am a member of Pre-Covid19, would visit 5 local Nursing, or Skilled Nursing Homes and play Bingo with the residents that wanted to play, or Seasonally host Parties recognizing Holidays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. Hopefully when we get in the the Holiday Season, we'll be able to return to the Nursing Homes and have contact with the people that need the interaction with the outside world. I hope this is valuable information.
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Reply to jfbctc
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I’m so sorry that you and your LO are going through this. It is unacceptable.
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Reply to Franklin2011
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Please write memorandums for record of every incident. Send 1 copy to management and keep 1 copy. Always remind them that you asked that this person never care for your LO and the date you requested. Be specific about what that person said in your hearing.

Management should explain to the staff that the doctor said to avoid discussions about "home." The doctor may have to write an order in your LO's chart to this effect.

I would recommend the 3 strike rule. 1st time is "educating" the staff and management of the treatment order. 2nd time is "reminding" the staff and management of the treatment order. 3rd time is "disciplining" the staff and management of the treatment order. If it comes to a 3rd time of reminding staff, then you may need to contact a lawyer who specializes in senior care or family care and sue for neglecting prescribed medical treatment. The staff member is guilty mental/emotional abuse as well as neglect of your LO. You may also wish to contact the licensing agent for your city/county/state and report the incidents.

You may want to consider moving your LO to another facility if management is not willing to address your issue.
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Reply to Taarna
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Mary9999 Sep 23, 2020
Your suggestion of documentation is right on! Keeping copies of all memorandums is very wise. I suggest also that It is relatively easy to have a large notebook in which you document every instance and the date, who said what, what the results were, etc. I have found over the years, when dealing with a complicated issue, that documentation has always helped. It's difficult to recall everything that has happened, especially when the situation is stressful. It can also be very helpful if some government agency is involved, like the caregiver's licensing situation.
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Psuskind1, I hope you will update us as to whether you got a satisfactory response to this. Sometimes a little "education" is what is needed.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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psuskind1 Oct 1, 2020
Dear alva
I believe the general manage/ administrator as well as head nurse addressed this issue. That is not to say I Don’t constantly get “when am I going home” calls and these calls are Very stressful to me to a point that it was suggested I see a psychologist. I suppose the time is past where I could have a meaningful conversation and exchange because every call is hateful and accusatory... why am I here ; there’s nothing wrong with me . It’s so difficult to deal with the same person you love and who loved you and now to cringe when a call comes in. I have to learn to accept this is what it is now. I’m not there yet.
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In the state of NJ, CNAs all also licenced under the Nursing board.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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If this person is a LPN or RN, you can contact the Department of Health and Human Services or which ever state agency handles the licensing of nursing homes/LTC facilities and nurses and file a complaint against the LPN or RN. You could also contact the State Long Term Care Ombudsman about your situation and ask for assistance in dealing with this nurse.

If the nurse is aware that what she says upsets your LO, she is either trying to get back at the resident (and you) for reporting her OR she is trying to get the resident to move to another facility (because she does not want to "deal with him anymore".
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Reply to DeeAnna
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check your private messages.
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Reply to sjplegacy
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You’ve received good advice. Just want to say that I agree with other posters and tell you how sorry that I am that you are experiencing this truly awful situation.

I sincerely hope you have a positive resolution to your situation as soon as possible.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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If you still do not see a positive change, I would send a hard-copy letter with copies to whomever should receive them. My own experience is that complex issues are still better handled by letter than by e-mail/text.
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Reply to caroli1
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psuskind1 Sep 21, 2020
Point we’ll taken. I’m going to see pcp tomorrow and will discuss this troubling issue
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It is time to return to the manager, remind the manager that you were assured this would be dealt with, and say that the employee just told you directly and up front what she said. I would put this complaint in writing as well, with exact quotes. This is indeed abuse IF SHE WAS AWARE, or made aware that this is a problem for you.
Let me ask you~ is the dementia currently so far advanced that your Dad doesn't realize shortly afterward exactly what he was told.
It does sound to me, no matter what has or has not been said to her, that saying "Get used to it" is abusive, and I do feel that she may be trying to "get back at" a helpless patient who has posed a problem for her, due to no fault of his own (he isn't responsible.)
What did you say to her when she said to your that she said this? Did you ask her not to do this, that the result is agitation for your father that even SHE should find problematic, if for no compassionate reason, then because it makes more work for her.
I believe I would request a meeting with the director and the "Nurse" and yourself present. See if she denies what she said to you, be certain this was addressed in past and CERTAINLY is addressed now.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Is this a nurse or an aide. Because I find RNs aren't really involved in the day to day care. Even with that, this person works with Dementia patients and should know what and what not to say to a resident. If this is an aide, report it to the Nurse in charge. She/he is her boss. I would then follow it up with an email or a letter to the Nurse and cc: in the General Manager. Maybe this staff member needs a seminar in Dementia/ALZ. I would wonder how long the person has worked there.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I think it depends on the tone and the exact language.   If it is, oh sweetie, this is your home now, that is one thing.   Also, in most facilities I looked at, the LOs have more contact with aids than an actual nurse.
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Reply to FloridaDD
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jacobsonbob Sep 23, 2020
LOL; I've heard the "sweetie, this IS your home" thing told to my mother--perhaps it's universal...
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I just want to address the comments about asking that this employee be kept away from the resident - that may be possible in a very large facility but not so easy in many places. I know that very often facilities here must scramble to fill shifts and that there are few workers who can be depended on to actually show up for work consistently, there are also a limited number of RNs on site at any given time (in a smaller facility likely only one).
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Reply to cwillie
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There are still people who believe that people with dementia should be confronted with reality, surprisingly many of those people are working in a place where their training and experiences should help them to know better. If this nurse (is it a nurse or an cna?) has dug in about this there is probably very little you can do to change her position because she believes she is right - it amazes me how little insight into dementia many of those who work in the field have and how few of them ever take the initiative to educate themselves.
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Reply to cwillie
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psuskind1 Sep 21, 2020
I was told this person is a nurse. You may have hit it right on about facing reality. But our PCP doesn’t want it handled that way.
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Make another complaint. In writing & detail exactly what you have heard.

There was a thread where an Aide told the family to take the resident home - needed a lot more experience & dementia education.

This could be lack of education,.? but it sounds like this nurse is in the wrong business altogether. Like the nurse thinks brutal honesty is the best/only way.

I don't blame you for wanting this staff member to cease all contact. I don't know if you have the right, but I would request this of management anyway.
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Reply to Beatty
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Telling him he's never going home is absolutely verbal abuse. If the GM has spoken to the employee and the behavior continues, the employee should be let go. I would bring it up one more time to the GM and threaten to contact Adult Protective Services. You also have the right to find another facility. Don't stand for the abuse... be tough.
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Reply to sjplegacy
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psuskind1 Sep 20, 2020
I thought so too. I have texted the executive administrator. And she was very apologetic and said she would get with the nursing chief tomorrow. I am deeply stressed over this situation. Other than contacting the executive administrator what else could be done other than moving him which would be traumatic.
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