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I have brought this problem to the attention of the general manager and she assured me the problem would be addressed. The employee just today told me she said “get used to it this room is your home and your never going home”. This is 100 per cent opposite of what our PCP physician said to tell him. What are my legal rights as a caregiver to request that this employee does not interact with my LO? He has dementia. I want to add this facility is an upscale establishment and is private pay.


I don’t know her motive. He has in the past been a disruptive resident but has gone to psych hospital for medicine adjustment and I’ve been told that he’s no problem now. When she tells him this he gets agitated. I think she wants him to act inappropriately because she knows these statements upset him.

If this person is a LPN or RN, you can contact the Department of Health and Human Services or which ever state agency handles the licensing of nursing homes/LTC facilities and nurses and file a complaint against the LPN or RN. You could also contact the State Long Term Care Ombudsman about your situation and ask for assistance in dealing with this nurse.

If the nurse is aware that what she says upsets your LO, she is either trying to get back at the resident (and you) for reporting her OR she is trying to get the resident to move to another facility (because she does not want to "deal with him anymore".
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Reply to DeeAnna
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Telling him he's never going home is absolutely verbal abuse. If the GM has spoken to the employee and the behavior continues, the employee should be let go. I would bring it up one more time to the GM and threaten to contact Adult Protective Services. You also have the right to find another facility. Don't stand for the abuse... be tough.
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psuskind1 Sep 20, 2020
I thought so too. I have texted the executive administrator. And she was very apologetic and said she would get with the nursing chief tomorrow. I am deeply stressed over this situation. Other than contacting the executive administrator what else could be done other than moving him which would be traumatic.
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If you still do not see a positive change, I would send a hard-copy letter with copies to whomever should receive them. My own experience is that complex issues are still better handled by letter than by e-mail/text.
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psuskind1 Sep 21, 2020
Point we’ll taken. I’m going to see pcp tomorrow and will discuss this troubling issue
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Please write memorandums for record of every incident. Send 1 copy to management and keep 1 copy. Always remind them that you asked that this person never care for your LO and the date you requested. Be specific about what that person said in your hearing.

Management should explain to the staff that the doctor said to avoid discussions about "home." The doctor may have to write an order in your LO's chart to this effect.

I would recommend the 3 strike rule. 1st time is "educating" the staff and management of the treatment order. 2nd time is "reminding" the staff and management of the treatment order. 3rd time is "disciplining" the staff and management of the treatment order. If it comes to a 3rd time of reminding staff, then you may need to contact a lawyer who specializes in senior care or family care and sue for neglecting prescribed medical treatment. The staff member is guilty mental/emotional abuse as well as neglect of your LO. You may also wish to contact the licensing agent for your city/county/state and report the incidents.

You may want to consider moving your LO to another facility if management is not willing to address your issue.
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Mary9999 Sep 23, 2020
Your suggestion of documentation is right on! Keeping copies of all memorandums is very wise. I suggest also that It is relatively easy to have a large notebook in which you document every instance and the date, who said what, what the results were, etc. I have found over the years, when dealing with a complicated issue, that documentation has always helped. It's difficult to recall everything that has happened, especially when the situation is stressful. It can also be very helpful if some government agency is involved, like the caregiver's licensing situation.
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It is time to return to the manager, remind the manager that you were assured this would be dealt with, and say that the employee just told you directly and up front what she said. I would put this complaint in writing as well, with exact quotes. This is indeed abuse IF SHE WAS AWARE, or made aware that this is a problem for you.
Let me ask you~ is the dementia currently so far advanced that your Dad doesn't realize shortly afterward exactly what he was told.
It does sound to me, no matter what has or has not been said to her, that saying "Get used to it" is abusive, and I do feel that she may be trying to "get back at" a helpless patient who has posed a problem for her, due to no fault of his own (he isn't responsible.)
What did you say to her when she said to your that she said this? Did you ask her not to do this, that the result is agitation for your father that even SHE should find problematic, if for no compassionate reason, then because it makes more work for her.
I believe I would request a meeting with the director and the "Nurse" and yourself present. See if she denies what she said to you, be certain this was addressed in past and CERTAINLY is addressed now.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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There are still people who believe that people with dementia should be confronted with reality, surprisingly many of those people are working in a place where their training and experiences should help them to know better. If this nurse (is it a nurse or an cna?) has dug in about this there is probably very little you can do to change her position because she believes she is right - it amazes me how little insight into dementia many of those who work in the field have and how few of them ever take the initiative to educate themselves.
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psuskind1 Sep 21, 2020
I was told this person is a nurse. You may have hit it right on about facing reality. But our PCP doesn’t want it handled that way.
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Psuskind1, I hope you will update us as to whether you got a satisfactory response to this. Sometimes a little "education" is what is needed.
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psuskind1 Oct 1, 2020
Dear alva
I believe the general manage/ administrator as well as head nurse addressed this issue. That is not to say I Don’t constantly get “when am I going home” calls and these calls are Very stressful to me to a point that it was suggested I see a psychologist. I suppose the time is past where I could have a meaningful conversation and exchange because every call is hateful and accusatory... why am I here ; there’s nothing wrong with me . It’s so difficult to deal with the same person you love and who loved you and now to cringe when a call comes in. I have to learn to accept this is what it is now. I’m not there yet.
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pssukind1

I know exactly what you are talking about.

My husband has a brother in Memory Care as well. We were receiving phone calls that my BIL was having behavior issues. I knew something was provoking him. Thus, when I contacted Administrator, she could not given me any answers. It was all my BIL's fault.

I contacted the Ombudsman. She quietly went to see what was going on. She told me "he was being disrespected" by staff.

You know what happened, next? A whole new staff was hired.

Sorry, it does happen but it should not.
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Reply to haileybug
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I just want to address the comments about asking that this employee be kept away from the resident - that may be possible in a very large facility but not so easy in many places. I know that very often facilities here must scramble to fill shifts and that there are few workers who can be depended on to actually show up for work consistently, there are also a limited number of RNs on site at any given time (in a smaller facility likely only one).
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I think it depends on the tone and the exact language.   If it is, oh sweetie, this is your home now, that is one thing.   Also, in most facilities I looked at, the LOs have more contact with aids than an actual nurse.
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jacobsonbob Sep 23, 2020
LOL; I've heard the "sweetie, this IS your home" thing told to my mother--perhaps it's universal...
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