Has anyone had a spouse [wife] in memory care and later brought her back home?

Ed, you have my sympathies for having to go through this. Understand that dementia is not something that gets better or “goes away”. If you bring your wife back home, she will remember only far enough back when, in her memory, you were abusing her, even though it wasn’t true. The staff at Memory Care is accustomed to dealing with patients who are hard to care for and uncooperative. Yes, I’m sure she doesn’t get the kind of care she would get at home. But not every, single facility out there abuses and neglects their residents. The care is different than home care, but not necessarily “bad”.

Ask yourself, “is she safe in the facility? Is she clean, fed and monitored? Does she climb out the windows there and cruise the neighborhood crying that she’s being abused?” Why do you want to bring her home? Is it a financial thing? Then ask them to apply for Medicaid for her. If she has such issues, she needs to be evaluated and placed in long-term care. Every facility has a doctor on staff who can order these tests. I would strongly advise against bringing her home. That would be a giant step backward.

Ed, may I ask when your wife says she wants to go home, do you know which home she means? Does she say?

Why I ask, many people who have memory issues, when they say they want to go home, they are asking to be taken back to live in their childhood home, where life was fun and easy.

      Freqflyer, I have read on this forum about someone wanting to go home, meaning their childhood home, but had not yet experienced that with my parents until yesterday. My mother would often say that she wanted to go home from the nursing home, even though she is treated well, lives with my father there in a cozy room, and has lots of activities. She thinks she can still go home and take care of herself and him on her own. Yesterday, though, she told me she wanted to go home - home to Panama, where she has not lived since she was 20. I am almost weeping as I write this.
      ed, the safest place for your wife is where she is. Yes, she definitely needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist and you should start the Medicaid process.

Pushing this question up.

I do not have experience doing this. It would be very hard on a person with dementia and would cause a decline that could be quite rapid.

Ed, can you tell us a bit more about this situation? Did the wife go to memory care for respite or was it meant to be a permanent placement and it doesn't seem to be working out? Is the wife begging to come home? Does it appear to be too much care, or too little?

Has she been assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist?

Is she on meds?

Update: I have already applied for Medicaid and the application was denied - countable resources exceed the maximum of $2,000 (full Medicaid coverage) and exceeds maximum of $7,390 (limited Medicaid coverage). Have too much resources in Commonwealth of Virginia. Have to spend down, not sure that I want to do that. Wife is being seen by neurology specialists. Home means returning to where I live or where we both lived up until a few months ago. It is difficult to leave her after a visit to the facility.

Ed, see an elder law attorney that specializes in Medicaid. There are rules to protect the well spouse. Do not bring her home. The same challenges that you experienced previously will recur. And you have a court order that requires a safe environment for her. You cannot do that at home or you may face charges.

Ed, we all know how difficult it is to leave her. We’ve been there. It’s depressing and unfair. I know it’s pathetic to see them like this, pleading to “go home”. 99% of them do it. But the worst thing you could do is bring her home. And do see an attorney. We are in the same situation. Too much income to qualify for Medicaid but not enough to pay our bills.

I will be meeting with an elder attorney to try to arrange for an asset protection plan. It is the person in the middle that suffers the most financially, not rich, not poor. Still not able to get much help for funding the expense of caregiving. From a quick view, seems that one has to spend down to almost nothing to qualify for Medicaid.