Since my mom broke her hip and is in assisted living my dad wants to pare down the house since she is an organized hoarder and is very difficult to deal with when getting rid of anything. Their safe is on the floor and hard for them to access so I got them a portable one that can be put in a drawer or storage chest. My dad gave me a bagful of paperwork to be shredded which I took home since it was easier for me. Knowing mom’s history of hiding things I went through everything to make sure I wasn’t throwing away anything important. Bad idea. I came across various paperwork that proved my sister’s and my suspicions. Over time they have given my brother close to 200,000 with instructions not to “ tell the girls.” We never imagined it totaled that large amount of money. We are crushed. In addition, my sister and I have been helping them so they can stay in their home. My brother does NOTHING.....other than to load up his trucks with things that he wants. My parents estate is not huge, but comfortable. However, it will only last a couple years should long term care become necessary. They are 89 and 90. Ironically I have POA.
Question is should we approach them or let it be? Damage has been done but it truly hurts to know one child is so favored. He had a good job and his wife worked, just had a bad habit of living above his means. Yet me and my sister will be the caregivers moving forward. I’m not sure if I will be able to put this aside and pretend as if nothing happened. Has anyone else experienced favoritism and how did you deal with it?
I'm wondering how afraid your parents might be of jeopardising their relationship with these grandchildren if they don't keep the harem sweet through these subsidies.
There are two ways round to look at this: as your parents' bribing their DILs, or as the DILs blackmailing your parents, or maybe a bit of both, or - most likely - none of the parties intends anything of the kind but it just sort of emerges from circumstances.
Trouble is, your parents are going to need that money. Hmmmmm.
I doubt DIL is bribing for the subsidies.....but rather my brother. He claims he can’t afford his child support so my parents step in.....but regardless, for Medicaid lookback I’m afraid there might be ramifications.
.... this is something you may want to say in passing to your parents so maybe they will think twice the next time your brother thinks your parents are his personal ATM machine.
Some banks will accept your DPOA and some won’t.
We’ve had a few posters who really had a hard time with this with certain banks. It seems the bank has their own form they wanted signed and parents not able to sign.
Some posters have opened online accounts in order to pay their parents bills when the parents were incapacitated in one way or another. This didn’t require the parent to be involved and your DPOA may give you authority. You need to read it.
The simplest thing would be to take dad to the bank and have him put your name on the account. The simplest but maybe not the easiest.
Dad may not be willing to act without your mom’s approval. When there has been an event like your mom’s hip surgery, a parent can see the need to have things in order. It’s a good time ( aside from the secrets) to dust off the DPOA and give it a good read.
Also, please know that depending on your parents competency status, your parents can change their POA.
Its not unheard of for another sibling to get a parent to change the DPOA. So if mom gets upset and calls out for brother, there is that to consider.
You might want to seek the counsel of a NAELA or CELA certified elder attorney to guide you through this. A long trusted family attorney may or may not know what it takes to protect your parents access to Medicaid should that ever be an issue.
Who is the executor of their wills?
Right. What it sounds like is that you have two prickly private parents. I don't argue with their wish for privacy, that's fine as far as it goes. But it stops being fine when they then require you to take responsibility.
They cannot have it both ways. To do what THEY are asking you to do, i.e. to support and as far as possible act on their wishes, in their best interests, you also have to be trusted with complete information.
I too would love to bestow blessings without limit on my descendants. Who wouldn't? But the time is coming when everything has to be laid out, thought through, and organised; so that their resources are matched as far as possible to their own priorities.
Forum members are very good at suggesting what species of professional you might like to get on board to help with the various aspects of planning, so I hope someone will come along and tell you where to look. Don't forget: you don't need your parents' permission to take advice.
It is a form of power of attorney that lies in wait in your filing cabinet until your parent loses his marbles, to use the technical term, at which point it springs - or rather you spring - into action. It is Durable in the sense that its authority continues after the time when the principal has lost the ability to create a power of attorney.
Over here they're called Lasting, and used to be called Enduring, POAs; but they work the same way. What seems to vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction is what you have to do to put the thing into operation when you judge it's become necessary. Your family lawyer, or whoever helped set up your POA, should be able to tell you.
You can do this with your parents' consent very easily, and if you put it to them tactfully why wouldn't they agree? Without it, it's a no. DPOA does not overrule your parents' instructions unless/til they are legally incompetent; and if it's a "springing" one not until it's "sprung." Get some leaflets and show them how it works, I should - no reason it should trouble them.
As long as you do mean "monitor." Of course. Not "control."
Your mother is entitled to have her own opinion and her own wishes about how her own life runs. What she is not entitled to do is decide what you and your sister do.
So: if maintaining them in their home becomes too much for the two of you to manage within your own comfort zones, your parents will have to accept and pay for additional services. If that becomes financially impractical, they will then have to move on to other options. But at no time will either of them be entitled to impose their wishes on you two in a way that forces you to make sacrifices you do not choose to make.
It's that key dividing line that's the issue: what decisions are whose to make.
As to brother - if gifting becomes a question you'll have to confront him about it. That grandchildren's trust needs a good hard look. But apart from clear cut points like this, what is there to gain from giving him much thought?
Mother had told me over and over to go ahead and read her will, I could not have cared less, since she has literally nothing, thanks to OB ripping her off.
One day I was at her place to pick her up for something and I had about an hour to wait, so I thought "fine, I'll read the will."
Boring as all get out, BUT even tho OB had stolen from her and daddy for years, he still stood to inherit 1/6th of the "estate". Whatever. THEN I find a handwritten paper and written on it is the statement "B owes the trust $1500. R owes the trust $6000". Bear in mind that R almost LOST HIS HOME b/c of the expenses incurred that dad and mother should have paid for the addition--and I have no clue WHAT I did that makes them think I owe them $1500.
I don't think R knows about this and I am not going to tell him.
Called my son (an attorney) and he let me know this is not legal, so it doesn't stand, and it's what they call, for lack of better wording is a posthumous "FU". VERY hurtful and mean. All I have ever done is take care of my folks--and when dad was in Hospice, I was the only sib, along with YB who even helped out.
Yeah--families and money. What a mess.
I can't help but feel mother wanted me to see that "document" and then argue with her about it. I felt like writing a check for $1500 and attaching it to the paper, and someday maybe I will.
If YB knew this existed, tho it's not legal----he'd lose his mind.
People need to think ahead and realize that sometimes their whole lives "remembrances" will come down to a sad feeling that you were not good enough for them. I'll never know what I did to incur the debt. I DO know I have paid out far more than that towards her care over 22 years.
What about YOUR lens? Does YOUR lens matter here? Have you ever told your mom "No, I can't possibly do that."?
It's called setting boundaries. It's healthy for everyone.
HOW they chose to help their individual children in the past it is not your business to criticise.
What has happened, though, the facts and realities, ARE your business on a need-to-know basis. In order to fulfil the responsibilities they asked you to shoulder when they gave you POA, you have to be in possession of accurate information. They didn't tell you about all this when it happened because a) you'd be upset b) you'd try to stop them and/or c) you'd demand the same. Well, now you do know. But that doesn't mean you have to react in exactly the way they feared you would.
Manifestly unequal treatment, such as has taken place, is such a thorny issue. Your parents didn't give you the financial support they have given your brother and now his children (I would certainly want a closer look at that); but then you, presumably, were not a walking disaster area. There may be blessings you and your sister can count that far outweigh anything your parents could have done to rescue you after you'd crashed and burned. Twice. And again.
What professional financial advice are they taking now about how to manage the rest of their retirement years and their care? They've made wills, have they?
Why not let your brother and his wife do the caregiving?
You do not HAVE to care for your mentally ill mother in her home. You can talk to the discharge planning people and tell them that there is no one but your poor old dad to care for mom at home and THAT clearly is NOT enough care.
You do not have to give up your life to care for your mom in her home. Look, I loved my mom, she wasn't mentally ill and didn't distribute funds unfairly to my siblings. There is still no way on earth that I would have abandoned my life to move in with her and provide hands one care. Because it wouldn't have been good enough care. She needed and deserved professional care.
Think this out carefully.
that's what happened with me. My brother gave my dad the "oh poor me they did this to me, they won't give me this, I can't afford that," however he had enough money to eat out three times a day, drive a massive jeep everyday, go see his friends daily, have a great computer, cell phone, and notebook, travel to see his kids... yet living under my dads roof he couldn't pay rent or actually 1/3 of the bills which he rang up. So when I got hold of the mess... I said money or out... he gave me the poor me story and I gave him information regarding low income housing... food stamps... etc... 2 years of trying to help him... found out he threw away the information I had printed out for him, he contacted no one. He didn't try to help himself. Well long story longer... I threatened eviction and the sheriff and wow... gone in 10 days... interesting... obviously hasn't talked to me since. (I know he's fine through my Niece)
As far as getting the money back you can kiss it goodbye... however you can try the Mom and Dad are no longer financially secure and will need all of us to chip in and pay bills/care/facility. Your part is $X amount. We are all paying. You could get it, you could not.
blessings
hgnhgn
If your dad wants to pare down the house then help your dad do that and then figure out what he wants to do next. Does he want to sell the house and move to AL?
You have POA but that does NOT entitle you to decide how he spends *his* money. What you are entitled to is deciding what you will do for your parents and what you will not do for your parents in terms of caregiving.
You also are under no obligation to enable your parents with free caregiving services so that they can "save" their money and give their children equal inheritances.
I spent a day fuming about your situation - it would really bother me. That being said - some thoughts.
1) Anything "gifted" over 5 years ago will not penalize your parents when they need Medicaid - assuming they will at some time for nursing home. Anything gifted WITHIN that time will result in a penalty period where Medicaid will not pay. How much money has been gifted in the past five years? Is there a way to recover that?
2) If you have financial POA - the tap needs to be shut off NOW!!! My sister is in a similar situation with her MIL - Responsible Son (my BIL), and two irresponsible sons who have been tapping into MIL retirement pension from teaching and who basically sucked up her $150K reverse mortgage. NOW she is 81 and needs nursing home care - which costs much more than her income. Because of her gifting - Medicaid will not pay for her nursing home for about 40 months. So...... she has the ground floor room at my sister's house and my sister and her SIL basically care for her 24/7. Of course other brothers are no where to be found AND they have started to mooch off my BIL who likes to look like the hero - and is now paying their car insurance, little nieces orthodontic care etc.
3) now you have to decide what you are willing to do - how much will resentment impact your caring for mom and dad? I'd recommend taking a hard look at what you are still willing to do out of love. More than that - giving up significant amounts of time and any money - if it causes resentment to flare up - nix it. Your mom and dad will find other ways to get things done OR do the sensible thing finally and move. Why give up significant parts of your life if you will just be angry about it? Do what will make you happy and you find rewarding.
Good luck to you
"Brother is 49.....and the only one with a good retirement from working on the police force for 20 years before getting fired."
In terms of black-and-white figures, do you mean that your brother is now more financially secure than either you or your sister? How do your circumstances compare?
My sister and her husband have a comfortable savings but will probably need to work until their 70’s.
My brothers retirement kicks when he is 55.
[I know time is money, but it doesn't show on your bank statement. I'm asking just about the cash].
When you say you and your sister have been helping your parents to stay in their home, do you mean with hard currency? Or with practical and moral support?
With your mother's injury and your father's beginning to seek your help, there will soon come a time when proper financial planning needs to happen. At that point, there will need to be a summary of their financial history, and 200K is not something you can just stick under "miscellaneous" and politely skip over. But it is very important to focus on the facts that need to be known, and avoid getting into the emotions of the thing.
If there have been recent large gifts it could become a problem you will need to address with your brother together with your parents - because, basically, he'll have to give it back. But if it's all ancient history and a tale of your parents (my instincts say: your mother) being incredibly nice to the son they wanted to enjoy a lifestyle of the rich and famous... then you're entitled to draw your own conclusions and form your own opinions, but don't let it stand in the way of how you want things to go from here.
Would you like your brother to acknowledge that he has some explaining to do?
addition they have a trust set up for each of his children in excess of $75,000. This was done when my mom received a substantial inheritance nine years ago. Other grandchildren received nothing.
My sister and I do all the caregiving and we don’t get paid. They should be in assisted living, but want to keep the money to be divided equally among us. They are delusional considering my mothers health issues and my dad is not in prime condition himself ( carotid artery disease and beginnings of Parkinson’s). I am 68 and my sister is 60. Brother is 49.....and the only one with a good retirement from working on the police force for 20 years before getting fired.
Looking back on this response I realize how incredibly blind I have been....and loving my parents is no reason to look away and not acknowledge the wrong that has been done. And did I mention he is verbally abusive to them both and is how my mother broke her hip to begin with?
Anyway. If you have POA does it include financial POA. If not get and if so use it
have cheques books and any withdrawals I two signatures. No ATM. Card
keep everthing to do with any money they gave to him or goods bought for him
make a spreadsheet containing all information like dates. Amounts receipts descriptions and such to produce when the will is read and request part if not all the money be deducted from his share
once the new banking arrangements are in place inform your brother he won’t be getting another dime
Ask a trusted friend, medical professional or clergy person TODAY for a referral to a skillful, compassionate therapist to begin meeting with me as soon as possible to help me work through my feelings of complete betrayal and profound hurt. If I had lived all my life thinking I had loving, kind parents and found out this wasn't the case, my world would be rocked, regardless of the dollar amount going to bro.
Determine with legal assistance if necessary what the gifting might mean for future care and what your parents' finances will cover.
Simply be unavailable for hands-on caregiving. Let bro and his wife do it. If I was in this situation and still felt that I and the other less favored child were somehow obligated to pretend nothing happened, stuff down our feelings, and look forward to all that elder caregiving can entail (browse this forum for the highlights), I would book more therapy.
I’m so sorry. Times really haven’t changed that much have they?
Women are still treated as less valuable. The part about “don’t tell the girls” is especially painful.
I, for one, don’t think you did a thing wrong to go through the paperwork before you shredded it.
Anyone with any snap would have done so.
I am sure you won’t care for your parents any differently than before. You weren’t doing what you do for money. There isn’t enough. But it is painful to carry that I’m sure.
It’s confusing though that if there was a note not to tell the girls, who was the note to? If the note was to brother, why would it be in the parents papers? Whose hand writing was it in?
Now, since you are POA, did this happen before your time as POA? Have you taken control of the finances now to stop the bleeding? Maybe this happened many years ago? But if it happened on your watch you need to step up your game.
I, myself, would not stop caring for my parents. You don’t know all the circumstances. No. You weren’t trusted with thrm.
I would tell my brother to not back that truck or trucks up there one more time.
He has more than received his share. All property of any value is needed for their care. I’m sure he wouldn’t be hauling it away to be helpful.
And Abby, the reason you are POA is because they knew they couldn’t trust him.
I am not bashing anyone who truly needs help to get over a hump. I’m talking about wasting money, being irresponsible. Always got under my skin.
Don't sign up for this unless you really want it. Take it from me. It’s a tough job! And it only gets harder.
You need to start charging dad (he is as responsible for the gifts as her) and mommy dearest for your expenses on their behalf. Obviously they have some money or they could not have given your brother 200k.
Or did he take their entire retirement?
You will feel less resentful if helping them isn't costing you cold hard cash, just saying.