Has anyone found a devastating secret from elderly parents concerning finances?

I work with elders and have seen just about everything. I also come from a big family. To be honest it sounds like your brother manipulated your parents into helping him and is actually the one at fault for using his aging parents like an ATM. His smooth talking and guilt trips allowed him to swindle the funds your parents need for future medical care. I would recommend confronting him and his wife about their obligation to help out with your parents. Let them know...you know the truth about the finances and how your family will suffer for your brother's choices. You are a wonderful daughter and deep inside your parents adore you. They may very well look at your brother as a burden and a heartbreak, not as a favored child.

Very sorry this has happened. Many of us here have experienced this kind of situation and it is both infuriating and sad. And a reminder that we can't prevent people from making bad choices, only enforce our own personal boundaries. I disagree with some of the advice suggesting you should DEMAND similar payment or walk away. Please. No one is "entitled" to an inheritance of any kind. But adults in the room can and should help protect their parents from being taken advantage of. So neither should you "pretend nothing happened." Since you are POA you have a specific role to play (when it becomes active which I assume is not until your parents have lost capacity?). Becoming much more involved in documenting and accounting for the gifts and loans addressing the long-term care implications should help. And then potentially hiring outside caregivers (with their resources) so that you can limit your own burden would be entirely reasonable. You have to take care of yourself because you know your parents aren't capable of that. So sorry - hugs.

Jane

Hi Abby: I have dealt with the favoritism my whole life. My older brother (5 yrs older) was the one who "needed the help". I must say that my parents did help me too but I have an independent, self sufficient personality and was on my on at age 20. I have ALWAYS helped my parents. My brother helped when he got around to it. My brother needed help because he was divorced 2x with 3 kids and looser ex wives. When my brother died in 2012 my dad told me "my whole world has died". Gee thanks dad. When my mom died in '97 she said to me she wondered how much the stress of helping my brother contributed to her cancer.(one of his ex's was a horrible vengeful person) She also told me "You have only done everything I have ever asked you to do." So I did get that validation from mom before she passed. It is what it is. It hurts. It's unfair. But they had their reasons and probably knew it was unfair but what could they do?? He needed help. And some parents just cannot say no. Try to let it go. Don't talk to your dad about it. Just forgive. One thing I've learned in the 22 years since mom died and we have been driving 140 miles EVERY OTHER weekend to help dad is why I chose to do this. I love my dad. He needs help (even when he doesn't want it.) I have to NOT expect any inheritance. There may be no money left for me. That's ok. I am doing it because I love him. I don't love him any less because he appeared, to me, to love my brother more. God bless you as you work through this.

Favoritism or embarrassment?

I feel like i would address it with your brother either now or even later? Possibly your father also...

Even if your brother got no intention of paying it back, helping provide financial care. I think just the fact that he's just taking the stuff he wants aswell (which honestly if its of no sentimental value could be sold to help facilitate pay for care) is one issue.

Another side of it - just as principal letting people behave poorly just to not rock the boat seems toxic...you cant unknow things and letting yourself just bottle it up is unhealthy for you. Which it turn will affect you and you have enough going on... so what ever you do approach it from that perspective.

I think it probably has more to do with birth order: two capable older daughters and a significantly younger "baby" boy. Who apparently has yet to be weaned, alas.

Given their age & how they were brought up [in the 1920's, 30's, 40's] then the only son was their heir & the 'girls' were the responsibility of the husbands - that is not the way now so look at it from this way to try to understand them

They want their son to have a good show with a great house & cars etc because that gave them bragging right over their friends - the girls where supposed to be 'Suzy homemakers' so your parents would brag about your kids - better to brag about family than things don't you think?

The brother will never repay it. The two sisters are going to be left being the unpaid and unappreciated caregivers because of the stupidity of the parents and son.

I hope the two sisters refuse to be taken advantage of in this way.

This is a tough one and probably more of a question for a family councilor. For me, and it is only me, I would let my parents keep their secret. Though both of mine are gone now, I can imagine confronting my parents with this at 90 and 89. I would not do it simply because at that age, they could be gone the next day, and having a calm, though perhaps not fully honest, relationship at the end would be more important to me. For me, protecting them (and their feelings) would be more important. As I say, this is a tough one. You would have to know if your brother is still getting the money, and if so it has to stop...perhaps. I say perhaps, as if your folks are of sound mind, it is still their money, even though all of this is painful to you. It all depends upon the amount he is given. Any five-year look-back by Medicaid could cause huge problems for your folks to get help. So, I would 1) somehow determine if any money is being given away NOW (look for the answers...don’t ask for the answers) and in the past 5-7 years, 2) have a private meeting with the finance department of a nursing home where your folks might end up at and ask how much money can your folks gift to anyone without causing a Medicaid problem and ask them if there is a document where you can see this in writing (do NOT mention that your brother has been given what he has been given), and 3) armed with all this information, map out a plan. Yes, this is all very painful for you and your sister to find out, and I feel bad for you. But, your parents made YOU the POA, because they knew that you, not your brother, would be the adult they could count on. I would do your best to step back from all of this emotionally and go about the process clinically as a POA doing her job. Once you have all of the facts, you will know what to do as a POA (not as a daughter or sibling), which may or may not mean having a matter-of-fact conversation with your brother that any future gifting must stop. From this point, I would emphasize to work only from facts you obtain, including facts gathered from the finance office of the nursing home, and do your best to set the emotional aspects of this secret off to the side. Some family counseling might be required down the road, which may or may not include you parents and brother, but for now, you have a big job to do as the POA. I hope I have been of some help. By the way, I was the brother and the POA. I made certain that my sister was treated fairly. I am sorry your experience has been different.

Abby 2018 ; We all have skeletons in our closits if you want answers go to your brother there may be A very good reason for this money to be given and PLEASE DO NOT Quit being the POA you are poa because your parents trusted you to do this ..they need your rational judgement .Jealousy is a poisen !! Parents can not always be fair !! Sometimes 1 child needs more than another I am a parent of 3 of my own kids and took in my sisters 4 kids I can tell you I already know I have done things differently with each ....and everyone of them because they needed my help in different ways and I already know in my old age I know who will be the one to do what needs to be done financially and physically and I beleive my kids all know tooo it just is an unspoken thing sometimesthat happens .Just ask your brother why ?dont upset your parents at this time whats done is done Maybe your brother needed a lawyer because he was in trouble snd your parents helped him maybe he needed drug rehab or gambeling debt and they wanted to keep it a secret bottem line its your family and you love your family ya all need eachother please just let by gones be by gones Talk to your bro not parents of just politleyask dad but dont withdraws your POA in a way its a big compliment your parents know who the responsible one is the go to person ..your paveing your way to heaven Good Luck and try not to be mad yesterday is gone, today is here ,and tomorrow will come .

Purposely decide to let it go. If you and your sister dwell on it, repeatedly discuss the injustice of it, etc. it will fuel resentment. Everytime your parents’ situation becomes difficult and stressful that little detail (that you should not have known) will build to rage and cloud your judgement. Focus on the plan not the past.

You might want to have your parents talk to a friend they trust that has financial advisor experience. If they need long term care placement in the future and eventually can't afford it, they may need to get on Medicaid to cover placement costs. In Kansas the State looks back 5 years regarding bank records, etc. Even if people "give away" money during that time, it is still considered in filing for Medicaid and could postpone them being eligible. Your parents may listen to an outsider if they know they have their future best interest in mind. -- As far as them giving money to your brother, that was their choice. It's unfortunate that causes hard feelings for you and your sister though. I'm sorry.

Who the h3ll gave an 89 year old man a $28K loan, and on what terms?

What they did with their own money has been one thing. Your father's taking on this *debt* for your brother's benefit shifts the whole issue into a different league.

What kind of POA did they give you (it's for both of them, one each, is it?) and when?

Keep calm. But get busy looking for that experienced attorney - unless you already have one you have confidence in?

Abby, what sort of contact do you have with your brother?

Abby, I have reread this thread. I am so angry for you. Your parents have disrespected your sister, you, and both of your families. I can't understand why you would continue to do anything for them.

They want their money to be saved to be divided equally amongst you, your sister AND YOUR BROTHER????

It's hard to have a crystal ball, but do you think they can last 5 years in their current living situation (at home)? If so, I would tell your father that you and your sister want $200,000 each NOW to make up for this gross favoritism. That leaves your sister's and your children without money your brother's kids got, but I'm not sure that part can be fixed.

And once that is done, resign as POA (and your sister can't be POA, either). Your parents' future caregiving needs will not be your concern. After the way they have treated your sister and you, they deserve some consequences.

Additionally, since my mother backed out of me caring for her, she has charmed her way into the home of a grandchild, I assume promising them the bulk of my inheritance for caring for her. I can say this, as my friends said to me when her move-in with be fell through, I really "dodged a bullet"! What if any inheritance might have been left after she passes, my next few years probably would have been the likes of some of these caregiver horror stories, judging from how abusive she became during the move process. It was a wake-up call for me and since then I have put together my game plan to not have to rely on her inheritance; to save, keep working, plan fir insurance and my own medical and life expenses. If she leaves me anything that will be nice, but I'm not counting on it. This wake-up call helped me so much by relieving the emotional component of feeling loved by my mother wanting to pass on an important gift to me, as her mother did her, and her grandmother before. I may be the invisible and skipped one in line and I'd rather not be involved in her final plans and not know how much of my inheritance, if any was left, was given to others she favored more because it hurts. I am so much happier and feel in control. If your father won't sit down, then you may want to move on about this.

Yes. I have experienced the same thing. I have 5 siblings and my mother favors my youngest brother who is now 45. She sold my dad's house when he died and got $590,000 from it and my brother milked her for so much money. She gave him $30,000 to pay his backed mortgage payments, bought him a Cadillac and gave him a credit card for gas, food, etc. And all she did for me was buy me a cup of coffee. I guess she thought I was completely self sufficient and didn't need anything because I did not ask for anything. I do ask for my some of my dad's statues which she also gave to my brother instead. Very hard to deal with a parent who favors one child over the other. It kind of made me feel distant from her because she did not favor me at all. So I moved away and now I feel bad she is 81 and fending for herself because no one really visits her anymore.

First of all, do you know that they don't have inheritance set away for you? It's tough when parents are so secretive. My mother dangles the will over my head (her only surviving child) and the grandkids, trying to entice us and keep us in her favor and available to do thing for her, including telling me it's mine, but I have to care for her (I tried, but she backed out at the last minute so who does it go to now? There are plenty of hopefuls. She says she changes her will every year. I think some elderly parents think their kids just want them for their money, and would even knock them off for it. Crazy and insulting. Whereas, my mother-in-law, who was a wonderful and loving person, sat down with her sons and put it all in writing, which was comforting for them and made life easier and less of a worry. For the other parents like my mother, yes it does make us feel loved and important to be thought of and left a gift. I got a sock and suitcase of my dad's when he died and he left it all to my mom when he died and said it was in a trust and would go to my brother and I after my mom dies. Trusts can be changed. Fat chance. My mother did help me when I moved to a new place and started a business. She said it was my inheritance, and "do I want more". "No", I told her, "I may need it later after she passes". So with your parents, it's possible they have some put away for you. I would ask your dad to sit down, do the POA, and ask him to go over the will so you know where thing are should he go into assisted living. Afterall, you need to know if there are the funds to cover his and settle the estate. Hopefully he will agree.

My advice is to tell your parents that you are confused about them giving your brother the money. You can ask in a respectful way;
“Why?” for your own edification. Because if you out live them you’ll never know the real reason, and what you assume may be totally wrong. My parent is no longer able to explain to me the justification for an amazing amount of favoritism. I now wonder if my parent even thought of it as favoritism. I wish I had just asked; “Why?” Now I’ll never know. On another note, it is their money and what they do with it is their right. So whatever you do, don’t be accusatory, but rather ask for clarification. Good luck.

Well. When my father was already diagnosed with alzheimer and I got a POA to manage his pension, I realized he was being discounted monthly an amount of money for child support. Yup. I discovered I had a brother. He had an affair many years ago, with a colleague at work. It seems they had a child he didn´t wanted to recognize. For me it was awful, since my mother had no idea of this affair. Anyway I never told my mother, for respect to her health state, se had cancer and died last year. I just kept the secret. This brother is an adult now, and he is still receiving this money. I take the heavy duty of caring for my father day after day and receive nothing, I am only child. My father was left in total economic ruin 20 years ago where he lost literally everything he owned, due to bad decitions. I found this awful truth also. I was in shock for many years with this side of my father I didn´t knew. Now ... it is hard to care for him with little money he left. It is unfair, but it is just the way it is.

In regard to your POA...I've never seen a scenario where 'full financial disclosure' was ever given by the parent. Your parents have left you out of the loop where your brother is concerned for a reason, you 'girls' would not approve and obviously they didn't need or want your approval. Its their money and until they are incapable of managing it, you really have no say in the matter. Should your parents require Medicaid your brother will have the look-back problem. He will be required to pay back, not you.

I say this as I am in a similar situation as you. On the upside, at least you know where the money went. At least it stayed in your family.

I have DPOA for my mother. My alcoholic Mom has throw away much money over the years. We will never know where most of it went. She came to a point where she could no longer could afford her home. After she told me of the 2 mortgages and several credit cards, there was little alternative except to recommend she allow me to ready her home for sale (my cost 36K)and sell the home. She repaid my cost after the sale and paid off the CC's. She then moved into an apartment my husband and I built for her in our home.

As it is our family's custom to care for the elderly of our lineage for the remainder of their days, and not pass the burden to the taxpayer, mom 'gifts' us the tax-free amount as allowed by law, which in her case is about 1/4th of her income. The rest she is free to spend as she chooses, often on her 4 great-grandkids.

You were chosen as POA for a reason, YOU are the responsible adult and can be trusted to make wise decisions for them when they are no longer capable. Wherever the chips fall, it would be wrong of you to 'threaten' to withdraw from the POA. Offer your guidance without threat. As you are the trusted 'adult' now need your help more than ever.

Dear Jesus...Yes......ME...My family Backstabbed me when I went off to NC and a Fight arose and they all went to the Lawyers office and Deceived me....Mom and I did then make up before going on her Deathbed...But a Hard Nut to swallow..
Let it go, God will Guide you in the end, dear...You will be Rewarded with More than Money, Honey.....Wings and Things...

Yes. After my mum died I found that my parents had 'lent' (with no chance of it being repaid) £100,000 to my sister and her husband 10 years before, so that they could buy a second house in the countryside (they already owned a large house). This was at a time when my husband and I were really struggling in a small house with four children, a similar amount of money would have transformed our lives. My father realised it was an awful thing for them to have done secretly and has made sure I've been recompensed since but I'm still pretty upset that it ever happened. I would take it up with your parents and make it clear that it is not acceptable, even if just to clear the air.

I just choked on my coffee.

"What I did find out in the interim is that my father took out a loan for $28k so my brother could buy a new Jeep for his wife..... and wondering how this will play in with the look back?"

When?

Never mind the lookback just for a moment. I'd be more concerned about the smell of coercion and abuse.

It sounds to me like your dad is the saner parent. You want to clear the air with him, yes?

In this situation, and since your parents are financially comfortable, a certified Geriatric Care Manager working with an eldercare attorney would seem like a reasonable plan. Your parents need to hear that they are being bled dry from professionals, not from you.

I think that your holding POA without full disclosure is nuts. Let dad know that you will not be caring for mom, but will arrange for care at home or in a facility.

You let your brother know he has to start paying them back. NOW. If he won't, he gets nothing. You can sell his share of things to pay back the estate or your parents depending on what happens.
As to your parents, let them know you love them and that you'll be placing them in a smaller home (NH/AL) and putting them into therapy for what they've become. Favoritism sucks and your parents need to know and understand the ramifications of their mistakes.

Woah, Abby.

What you want first of all is full disclosure. You NEED to know ALL the facts, from five years back up to now and as far forward as possible.

Don't charge in there with a demand that they cease all payments to your brother. In fact, do not allow any comment on your brother to pass your lips for the time being. You *know* that this is going to be a delicate and emotional issue that will require deft handling over time. Do not give them an ultimatum you may regret.

Abby that sounds like a reasonable request on your part. Please let us know how this works out. We have your back!!

Money your parents give to your brother so that he can, er, afford his child support payments *will* have ramifications for Medicaid if the timing doesn't work out.

The 25 year old should be past needing too much regular help, no? What's s/he up to?

The 16 year old it's reasonable to see as an ongoing commitment for 5 years. Any idea what his/her plans are?

Not that they're your problem! But these are the sort of questions your parents need to consider. They can't continue as is, that's for certain.

Abby,

I hope you get it sorted out. Why is is always complicated when it could be so much easier? We as children are always looking out for our parent’s welfare but we end up causing ourselves so much additional stress in our lives. We have a computer in our home. My mom insists on everything being done like it was back in her day. She would never allow me to do anything electronically. She won’t even get a debit card. Still writes checks for everything! Pain in the butt!