Has anyone found a devastating secret from elderly parents concerning finances?

This is a tough one and probably more of a question for a family councilor. For me, and it is only me, I would let my parents keep their secret. Though both of mine are gone now, I can imagine confronting my parents with this at 90 and 89. I would not do it simply because at that age, they could be gone the next day, and having a calm, though perhaps not fully honest, relationship at the end would be more important to me. For me, protecting them (and their feelings) would be more important. As I say, this is a tough one. You would have to know if your brother is still getting the money, and if so it has to stop...perhaps. I say perhaps, as if your folks are of sound mind, it is still their money, even though all of this is painful to you. It all depends upon the amount he is given. Any five-year look-back by Medicaid could cause huge problems for your folks to get help. So, I would 1) somehow determine if any money is being given away NOW (look for the answers...don’t ask for the answers) and in the past 5-7 years, 2) have a private meeting with the finance department of a nursing home where your folks might end up at and ask how much money can your folks gift to anyone without causing a Medicaid problem and ask them if there is a document where you can see this in writing (do NOT mention that your brother has been given what he has been given), and 3) armed with all this information, map out a plan. Yes, this is all very painful for you and your sister to find out, and I feel bad for you. But, your parents made YOU the POA, because they knew that you, not your brother, would be the adult they could count on. I would do your best to step back from all of this emotionally and go about the process clinically as a POA doing her job. Once you have all of the facts, you will know what to do as a POA (not as a daughter or sibling), which may or may not mean having a matter-of-fact conversation with your brother that any future gifting must stop. From this point, I would emphasize to work only from facts you obtain, including facts gathered from the finance office of the nursing home, and do your best to set the emotional aspects of this secret off to the side. Some family counseling might be required down the road, which may or may not include you parents and brother, but for now, you have a big job to do as the POA. I hope I have been of some help. By the way, I was the brother and the POA. I made certain that my sister was treated fairly. I am sorry your experience has been different.

The brother will never repay it. The two sisters are going to be left being the unpaid and unappreciated caregivers because of the stupidity of the parents and son.

I hope the two sisters refuse to be taken advantage of in this way.

Given their age & how they were brought up [in the 1920's, 30's, 40's] then the only son was their heir & the 'girls' were the responsibility of the husbands - that is not the way now so look at it from this way to try to understand them

They want their son to have a good show with a great house & cars etc because that gave them bragging right over their friends - the girls where supposed to be 'Suzy homemakers' so your parents would brag about your kids - better to brag about family than things don't you think?

I think it probably has more to do with birth order: two capable older daughters and a significantly younger "baby" boy. Who apparently has yet to be weaned, alas.

I feel like i would address it with your brother either now or even later? Possibly your father also...

Even if your brother got no intention of paying it back, helping provide financial care. I think just the fact that he's just taking the stuff he wants aswell (which honestly if its of no sentimental value could be sold to help facilitate pay for care) is one issue.

Another side of it - just as principal letting people behave poorly just to not rock the boat seems toxic...you cant unknow things and letting yourself just bottle it up is unhealthy for you. Which it turn will affect you and you have enough going on... so what ever you do approach it from that perspective.

Favoritism or embarrassment?

Hi Abby: I have dealt with the favoritism my whole life. My older brother (5 yrs older) was the one who "needed the help". I must say that my parents did help me too but I have an independent, self sufficient personality and was on my on at age 20. I have ALWAYS helped my parents. My brother helped when he got around to it. My brother needed help because he was divorced 2x with 3 kids and looser ex wives. When my brother died in 2012 my dad told me "my whole world has died". Gee thanks dad. When my mom died in '97 she said to me she wondered how much the stress of helping my brother contributed to her cancer.(one of his ex's was a horrible vengeful person) She also told me "You have only done everything I have ever asked you to do." So I did get that validation from mom before she passed. It is what it is. It hurts. It's unfair. But they had their reasons and probably knew it was unfair but what could they do?? He needed help. And some parents just cannot say no. Try to let it go. Don't talk to your dad about it. Just forgive. One thing I've learned in the 22 years since mom died and we have been driving 140 miles EVERY OTHER weekend to help dad is why I chose to do this. I love my dad. He needs help (even when he doesn't want it.) I have to NOT expect any inheritance. There may be no money left for me. That's ok. I am doing it because I love him. I don't love him any less because he appeared, to me, to love my brother more. God bless you as you work through this.

Very sorry this has happened. Many of us here have experienced this kind of situation and it is both infuriating and sad. And a reminder that we can't prevent people from making bad choices, only enforce our own personal boundaries. I disagree with some of the advice suggesting you should DEMAND similar payment or walk away. Please. No one is "entitled" to an inheritance of any kind. But adults in the room can and should help protect their parents from being taken advantage of. So neither should you "pretend nothing happened." Since you are POA you have a specific role to play (when it becomes active which I assume is not until your parents have lost capacity?). Becoming much more involved in documenting and accounting for the gifts and loans addressing the long-term care implications should help. And then potentially hiring outside caregivers (with their resources) so that you can limit your own burden would be entirely reasonable. You have to take care of yourself because you know your parents aren't capable of that. So sorry - hugs.

Jane

I work with elders and have seen just about everything. I also come from a big family. To be honest it sounds like your brother manipulated your parents into helping him and is actually the one at fault for using his aging parents like an ATM. His smooth talking and guilt trips allowed him to swindle the funds your parents need for future medical care. I would recommend confronting him and his wife about their obligation to help out with your parents. Let them know...you know the truth about the finances and how your family will suffer for your brother's choices. You are a wonderful daughter and deep inside your parents adore you. They may very well look at your brother as a burden and a heartbreak, not as a favored child.

I was on the other side. My parents loaned me the money for a modular home 30 plus years ago. We went through an estate atty and he set up the contract and I pair my parents monthly with interest. One brother kept referring to my house, and mom and dad's house. He had a hard time getting beyond the fact that it was a loan AND I repaid it. Just make sure there was not agreement you are not aware of. Now, here is what we did. IF your brother is just freeloading I am sorry for that. IF you and your sister will be doing all the caregiving... ask that the parents do a quit claim deed of their home to you girls providing they own their own home. This is the payment to you for your caregiving. Again, this created a ruffle in the family, but my husband and I have put our lives on hold for nearly 10 years Had mom gone to a nursing home, the house would have been gone anyway, as she did not have long term care, and not enough money to cover 10 plus years in a care facility. So a quit claim deed was done to my husband and I. The home will remain theirs until their death, but cannot be used toward nursing home care or sold without your signatures because you are co owners.

Abby,

All of us have stories. I know an old woman whose favorite line is, “Have to do what Jesus says, go after the lost sheep.” They are lost because she never taught them how to be independent! Some parents set an example of what not to do. I am fully aware that all parents make mistakes. But some never learn from them. She is a huge gambler at casinos. Her sons are too. Her deceased husband took out a mortgage on their home to gamble. That’s just crazy! She came into lots of money, husband in Vietnam war and she got a settlement for over a million dollars She gambled over half of it away. She’s going to spend it all. So stupid. She won’t buy a cup of coffee because it’s too expensive but she will drop $1000.00 in five minutes gambling!

I cringe when I hear her misinterpretation of the Bible. Once I told her that Jesus does not want us to be a doormat. She got very mad. Oh well.

She has sons and a daughter. She lives in the upstairs part of her daughter’s house. She is lucky, can still go up and down stairs. She buys her son new trucks, fixes things in their homes, new roof and so forth. The daughter never asks for a dime. That’s how I am. I go without because I would rather handle my own finances, plus I could not handle my mom laying a guilt trip on me.

There are a lot of answers here already so I won't go through them all (sorry!), but although 200K is a significant amount, is there enough left to meet your parents' needs for at least the foreseeable future? Or is a need for Medicaid or its equivalent a possibility?

My mother, who is very tight with money, gave my brother a great deal of money to try to keep him out of bankruptcy (due to not paying taxes and exceedingly high debts.) My brother calls it a loan, but of course made no attempt to repay my mother. My brother and your brother used emotional blackmail to extract funds from their parent. It's not necessarily about the "favorite" child, at least in my case.

I think that you should let your parents know that you know their secret. Once the secret is out, hopefully that will help stop them from giving him any more money.

Yes, that happened to me. I found a set of trust documents stating that my parents assets would be split 50/50 between my brother and me. Then I turned the page and there was another trust document dated the very next day transferring my share, to my brother. Essentially it was a two-step process to give everything to my brother. I called an attorney and she was going to charge me $300 per hour to review the documents. I simply could not afford it. My dad had Alzheimer's so I asked my mom. She said dad always handled that stuff and she knew nothing about it. I believe her because my dad kept things from her. I know she would have taken him to task over it too.

My story is somewhat complicated. The will stated that my brother was to receive my dad's share of the family business (worth millions) and I got the house. Well the business started going down and the real estate started going up. So they downsized from this house to use the funds to help the business. Eventually my parents moved in with my family and had no house because it went into the business. Then I found out after I had been caring for them for years, that they did indeed give my brother what was left of the business and since there was no house, I got nothing.

Do what do I do now? My brother walked away with a small fortune and I got zero.

I had to weigh things and went through a myriad of feelings of anger, jealousy, hurts and abandonment. But I had to look at my life compared to my brother and that's where I took solace.
I started to count my blessings instead of focusing on the unfairness. That took years, but it eventually was settled in my heart. I am grateful for the life I have.

There's so much back story on what motivated my dad to do this and it eventually unfolded over the years. My brother was threatening him and before my dad died, he showed me the emails. It turns out my brother was unstable due to heavy drug use....someone who threw his dream life away, playing golf every weekend in Carmel, driving luxury cars, living in a sprawling ocean view home, kids in private school....to losing it all to drug addiction (both he and his wife) and doing time for dealing.
He eventually took his own life.

After his death. I got a call from my nephew. He told me that his dad (my brother) said that there was a life insurance policy for $650k on my dad which was to go to my brother and his family. I guess my brother coerced my dad into this. I found out that as dad approached 80, he could not keep up with the payments and let it go, but didn't tell my brother. I told my nephew that I didn't know of any policy and that there was no more money coming from grandpa....sorry.

Its been 10 years since his death and my dad died a year after my brother. I care for my mom now. I have the most amazing husband, children and grandchildren. Money is ebb and flow. We struggle financially, but we are content and I would not trade that for a million dollars.

You probably know this, but the money your parents provide may or may not offset your brothers child support. If not the exwife can still go after him and get a judgment against his wages or put his sorry hide in jail.

Jail would be perfect from all you have said, 3 hots and a cot at some one else's expense, no responsibility, no bills, just sit around and continue to be a deadbeat. Sounds like a match made in heaven.

Time to put a stop to your parents paying for their sons deadbeat behavior and get that exSIL to go after the responsible party.

Ding-a-ling hear them ring, not bells, shackles that your brother will be wearing when he goes to court for unpaid child support!

76 answers:  A sure sign you have touched a nerve among us:-)  I suspected, but saw no evidence of my sister being helped out.  But if parents are of sound mind they have a right to do what they wish.  Going forward however is a different matter.  If you are FINANCIAL POA, then you should be the one  up to speed on things and will know if brother asks for anything additional and then you can make a case.  Also, do you know about caregiver agreements.  Check it out and see if there should be one.  If long term care becomes necessary out of their home, and their funds run out, then there will be a potential Medicaid application, and there is a look back period, and they will be looking back at what your brother got depending on the timing...and it will be YOU responsible for providing the info probably.  I'd share my concerns with a certified elder law specialist, preferably one who charges flat fees for the consult and services provided. 
Dealing with the emotional aspects...it's tough and stirs resentment.  I don't know an easy answer to it aside from realizing you can't change it and will make yourself potentially sick if you don't accept what has happened.  Good luck.

What's done is done. No point to crying over spilt milk, just stop the spilling!

There is no use feeling "hurt" or "angry" over what your parents did in the past or whether brother "deserved" any of this. It was their money and their decision to do what they did, including keeping it a "secret" from you and your sister.

You need to focus more on going forward (keeping the 5 yr look-back in mind) to circumvent bleeding of their assets. The only reason I can think of to bring any of this topic up with your parents is to discuss what would happen if there is ever a need for Medicaid (focus on any current money being paid out, not the older stuff.) Even if they have a nice little nest egg, and (hopefully) own their home mortgage free (so sale/assets could be used to cover costs), depending on how long they might need to live in any kind of AL or bring in-home services in, those assets could be depleted in their lifetime. Depending on the area you live in, that could happen sooner rather than later! They DO need to understand that their finances need to be reviewed and managed wisely, and that no more funds should be provided to your brother, either directly or indirectly (aka his children/former wife.)

I would also be concerned about your brother because of your statement: "My brother and I talk about once a week....his main concern is that I have POA." Clearly he is concerned about having any supply cut off. He just *might* attempt an end-run and have that changed, so BEWARE! You did mention that your mother has mid-stage dementia? If that is true, do you have any documentation for that? If so, both your POAs could take effect for her AND you could likely get rep payee for her SS, if she has SS income (although if dad is still competent, he *might* override - get him in your camp!) Then if you talk with dad and can convince him to authorize you to be POA now for him as well, you have a chance of taking over the finances. Work with the attorney who set everything up and/or an EC atty to review all documents and update any as needed. Attorney fees can be taken from THEIR assets, not yours. If a new EC attorney is used, generally you can get an initial consult (~1 hr) free of charge - just have all questions and concerns drawn up to cover as much as possible in that time!

As for compensation for assisting them, do be wise if you decide to do this and have a legit document (care contract) drawn up/notarized that clearly specifies what the services and payments will be. This will also be needed for Medicaid. If not, they will consider any payments you and your sister receive as "gifts" as well.  

As for POA (both), these *ONLY* take effect if the party/parties are deemed incompetent OR they authorize it. You cannot just take over finances or deem that they should move to AL. Despite having dementia and it no longer being safe for our mother to remain living in her condo alone, our Elder Care attorney told us we cannot just "drag her out of the house." Obviously that was not the plan, but she was adamant that she was fine, independent, yadda yadda and refused to consider moving ANYWHERE, and despite AL being in her "plan", she was dead set against the idea when it needed to be done. EC attorney suggested guardianship, but facility would not accept "committals." In the end, we had to come up with a ruse to get her to go (YB's plan was used - I stayed out of that!)

So, start with let the past be the past. It can't be changed. Work with your parents (start with dad while mom is still out of the picture) now and get them to either understand the money drain has to stop and/or allow you to take over the finances. Get as much documentation or enlist financial planner or EC atty to explain Medicaid and the penalties of "gifting". Work with EC attorney to review/update documents as needed. Show how much AL costs! If mom can be deemed competent, have any/all assets set up in a trust (irrevocable if possible) to protect them.

Interested to see how readers respond. I just found out that my son has been stealing money from his father's (my ex) bank account for medical expenses for his wife and college tuition for his daughter. Plus he also asked me for the money as well! My daughter is her father's POA for health care (he is in nursing home), but my son has control over finances. I don't know whether to confront him with this information or not.

Please don’t assume your parents favor your brother. I suspect your parents believed he needs help and you girls were doing fine financially.

Not me, but a co-worker discovered that her mother and father had been hiding the fact that they were broke. She was left to fight with the creditors. It may be that your parents just believed your brother needed more help.

I think it's a shame your brother took advantage of your mom that way. Now when she really needs the money, she won't have it. It was her money to do with what she wanted, that is true, but still it isn't right. What does your father say about it?

Yes, I discovered mom & older brother's secret last year. Mom had her trust done back in 2000 leaving everything equally to OB & myself & then each of our kids if anything happened to us. My lawyer discovered that in 2017 OB had her change it leaving everything to him & then his kids. Mom has had cognitive decline starting 4 years ago & I don't believe she knew what she was signing. She'll be 97 in a few months & she hasn't spoken to me or seen me in almost 2 years now. It's like a stab in the back.
She lives alone in a house across the street from me & I don't believe she's safe since she can't walk good & uses a walker. If there's ever a fire she would not be able to get out of her house alone. OB also had her change POA removing me.

Wow... Just WOW! Reading some of these horror stories!! Mother has a trust. Didn't know about it until after older brother died -- 12 years after it was done. He didn't abuse POA. I didn't understand why, after Mother signed over a little rent house she had, he never took it to be finalized. That is because he knew that asset needed to be there if Mother needed to cash it out. SIL brought the trust paperwork to younger brother and I AFTER we had Mother sign over the little house on her name when older brother died. (Things that make us say "hmm" ).
Now I have POA, and Mother lives with me and my family, but I collaborate with younger brother on big decisions. I don't want him to be surprised about her finances if something happens to me.

I know someone who signed something without reading it. She later found out that she had signed her house over to her daughter! Nice kid, huh? It happens.

Yes, My mother had Wet Macular Degeneration. Her retinologist caused her eyes to worsen TREMENDOUSLY because he was a criminal! He funneled $800,000 into a faux fund and did not pay income taxes on it. He was caught red handed and went to Federal Prison. She goes to the next retinologist who said "There's nothing I can do for you, Norma." You have the worse case of Wet Macular Degeneration I have ever seen." Her - "Ha Ha, chat chat chat chat." As long as the doctor socialized with her, she didn't care! I did!

Yes, you should approach them. What's up with the tall lie? Wow.

Same thing with these stupid telephone scammers! Horrible, but the OP has a situation where a family member did it. None of us should have to be concerned about family hurting us, but unfortunately it happens way too often.

87 answers in 5 days, wow! obviously this has hit a nerve...

Not my story but belongs to a friend, who is still not at peace with it. She’s youngest of 5 and the second oldest, Stevie, was beyond the mom’s favorite. Always lent $ for idiot business ventures, bought trucks, paid his kids summer camps, his dogs vet bills, etc. The others got a $20 and handwritten recipe card from mom for Xmas & birthdays. Over time he probably got 150k out of the folks and this on a single salary blue collar job as her parents were frugal. Oldest sister needed bone marrow transplant so they did a HLA on all the kids cause with 5 odds are 1 or maybe 2 will be a match. Yeah, no HLA possibilities for Stevie as he was a half sibling.

NeedHelpWithMom: I was so angry! You best believe he's in prison! I said to my mother - "Get a retinologist who can help you." As long as they chatted her up, she loved them! Crap sake! (Pardon that)

What I have seen here and on other posts is something I have always known. The things people will do for money. Even the hint of money they steal from their parents and siblings. Most times in long term carefully laid out plans
Years of deceit and gaining trust. Never surprises me.

My MIL has given my husbands drop kick of a brother a couple of hundred grand over the past 21 years. She totally knows what he is but just gives it to him. I think it’s out of guilt. He is an absolute waste of space. A drunk and a dead beat Dad. A liar. A thief and total headcase. Just recently after my husbands diagnosis his mother paid for an airplane ticket for him to visit his brother ( my husband). We are talking maybe $400 AUS round trip. Never turned up. Said he had an ear infection and the doctor would not let him travel. MIL is on her last legs. I am just glad older brother has had the sense to record and document everything she has ever paid him. Rent. Car. Registration. Food. Bail. You name it she has paid it while he has boozed on and destroyed his ex wife children and his own father. So we all know that there is going to be one hell of a bun fight once the MIL passes