I’m in the middle of a really difficult situation and I’m hoping someone here has gone through something similar or can offer some advice.
My aunt (let’s call her Helen) is elderly, with no children of her own, and has always been close to my family. Her husband, George, passed away late last year, and since then things have become increasingly complicated and honestly quite heartbreaking.
A few years ago, during COVID, my family lost a lot of direct contact with Helen because we were dealing with our grandmother’s declining health and eventually her passing. Around that same time, a neighbour (we’ll call her Linda) started “helping out” with Helen and George – shopping, errands, etc. Over time, Linda seems to have become the central person in Helen’s life.
Here’s the problem:
Linda never introduced herself to us, never made an effort to say “Hi, I’m helping them, just wanted you to know.”
We didn’t even know of her existence until George was dying.
After his death, we found out that Helen had been moved into a care home, and no one told us. We had to track her down ourselves.
Linda blocks communication, keeps control of Helen’s finances (with others under POA), and refuses to provide transparency about what’s happening.
We recently found Christmas cards we sent still unopened, and there are no family photos in her room – just photos and tokens from Linda.
Even worse, Linda claims George didn’t want us involved, and that we’re “evil” for questioning her role. But we loved George and Helen. We’ve shared years of memories with them, and it kills me to think George may have died believing we didn’t care – something that couldn’t be further from the truth.
We’ve involved solicitors, but Linda has been spinning a narrative that she’s the only one who’s ever cared, while blocking us from seeing basic things like bank statements to confirm Helen’s finances are secure.
We live four hours away, so while we haven’t been there daily, we’ve always been present emotionally and tried to stay connected, especially before COVID. Distance doesn’t mean we care any less, but it has allowed Linda to take control unchecked.
I met with the care home manager recently, and even she seemed surprised by what I had to say, but everything in the system so far leans towards “if Helen says she’s fine, she’s fine.” But I don’t believe Helen’s choices are fully her own. She’s vulnerable, easily swayed, and tells whoever’s in the room what they want to hear.
I also have to admit – Helen has always loved being the centre of attention. I think she enjoys some of this dynamic, but that doesn’t mean she’s not being manipulated or isolated. It makes it harder because she may be complicit to a point, but still at risk.
Here’s what I’m struggling with:
Why can no one else see this? Why is it so obvious to us, her family, from afar, but those close to her – neighbours, care staff, safeguarding teams – seem blind to it?
How do I prove undue influence or financial abuse when she seems “compos mentis” but is clearly in a controlled environment?
Has anyone had success challenging a POA or getting proper adult safeguarding action taken in situations like this?
Have you ever dealt with a self-serving person inserting themselves into a vulnerable relative’s life and effectively taking over?
I feel stuck. Nobody is listening, and we’re being painted as the bad guys just for wanting to protect Helen and be part of her life again.
Any advice, similar experiences, or just support would mean a lot right now.
Thanks for reading.
Linda is now the POA. YOU HAVE ZERO RIGHT TO SEE ANYTHING financial here. It simply is not your business. The POA maintains privacy BY LAW and surely in all of this, those solicitors you have contacted have informed you of this.
Aunt is now happy with Linda who is functioning as her family. If you wish to visit Aunt that is all well and good. She is in care. No one places someone in care to SAVE MONEY for themselves. Care is very costly and Aunts funds will go to Aunt's care. You will never get access to legal information tho you can likely, if you wish to invest the money with attorneys, get a judge to examine Linda's records (he/she will not share this information with YOU) to be reassured that Linda, who is likely now ALSO the heir as well as executor of any will along with POA, is doing her job and keeping her records according to law.
You aren't being blocked from visiting your aunt. You are being told to stop questioning your Aunt's chosen loved one. And that's what you should do imho.
I have been and am a POA, and I would not do it again. This neighbor coulds have called you or APS. If APS had taken over your Aunt would be a ward of the State.
Linda may very well see this as a situation in which George and Helen were struggling and needed immediate help and family was nowhere to be found as far as she could tell so she stepped up and now the absentee family is showing wanting to control Helen’s money.
Most likely neither scenario is fully true.
But seniors can decline more quickly than distant families might realize. And the timing of the pandemic and your grandmother’s death made the situation worse.
i don’t think there’s much you can do. Helen is in a safe home being taken care of. Maybe if you recognize this and ease up on challenging Linda she’ll recognize that your intentions are sincere and ease up herself.