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While your father is phoning every half hour, all he is thinking about is the next phone call. He won’t settle in until he stops interacting through phone calls. So you have to stop answering for his sake, because he won’t stop. Many places even recommend not visiting for two or three weeks, to help the person settle in. And there are many posts that say they have watched their LO secretly, and the LO is joining in with other people and activities quite happily until they notice who’s there, and then all the complaints and demands to go home start up. That’s probably not the case now with your father, because phoning seems better than even looking at what’s going on around him. Good luck, and know that you are being ‘harsh’ for his sake, not just yours.
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I have to agree, don't answer the phone. If there is an emergency, the home will call you. Being a helicopter caregiver is not the answer. I was going to recommend taking the phone away, see that this is in process. He may never settle in, you just may have to accept this.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
Don’t take his phone away. He may freak out.
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This isn't something I've dealt with personally, but from observing the people my mother lived with at the nursing home I know that many of them never "settled in". The thing is, I don't think it was possible for those people to be settled anywhere, they were lost and seeking a world that was a creation of their broken minds that didn't exist in the real world. Sometimes you have to be satisfied with fleeting moments of happiness, or at least periods of stability.
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I'm far from thinking this is going to help, Panda, but you're bringing to my mind Laura Linney's character in 'Love, Actually' taking endless calls from her brother to the serious detriment of her work and social life :(

Do you mind if I think it through in type?

What are you worried about?

The impact on him, what he is experiencing in his head when he makes these calls?

Does answering or not answering make any difference to HIS wellbeing?

What are you hoping will happen - that he will form bonds with the people in his care home and loosen those he has with you and his son? How would you feel about that if it did happen?

I'm sorry, I'm just firing questions at you. But it seems improbable that you can alter *his* behaviour, so that only leaves your own. I'm hoping that thinking through what you can realistically do/hope for and what you can't do however much you'd like to will help you decide how to respond.

What discussions have you had with the people taking charge, and how much confidence do you have in them?
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Lyecats Aug 2019
What an excellent response! I have a similar situation with my mom, in that she doesn't settle in, and I jump through too many hoops trying to be the perfect child (or maybe perfect co-dependent) to make her happy. She doesn't have dementia but her degenerative brain disease makes her unable to walk or even really move. However she manipulates those who seem to like her into chasing her bunny trails of needs. She finds fault with everything and yet excuses herself from being held accountable. I'm tired and not liking how I feel about her these days.
after a stint in the hospital from a fall I was told she could no longer live in an ALF so she was placed in a skilled nursing facility. This one I found through referral is nice, smells very clean with lots of staff and therapies. In any group there are always personalities that aren't going to gel and it takes time to understand a patient. So I think its going well. I'm there every other day it's close to my home and so much easier for me to drop in for a visit. After only 6 weeks of being there she just told me she wants me to find another nursing home for her to go to.
Just yesterday I decided to let go the leash and let her make a mess of things all by herself by engaging others who have no clue what they or she is doing. She will eventually alienate people - but that is her MO. I don't need the constant stress she brings.
Thanks for the writing out loud the steps to think through. Glad I read this thread.
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Sorry. He would not hand phone over and residential facility is not allowed to just take it. Waiting for the battery to run down
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Yes. He has started calling son. Residence is taking phone away
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My mother had anxiety episodes, would call relentlessly or leave upsetting messages. Maybe ask Dr for a medication that wud help the OCD behavior (& assist ur hubby with adapting there). I'm sure the Dr has ideas. Otherwise, gotta send the calls directly to voicemail, as I did. At nite, I turned my phone completely off. Hope things get better
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As you said, this is obsessive compulsive behavior as much as anything else. As long as the calling gets a response it will likely be done at all hours. I would do as the staff requests. This is the only hope of some settlement into the new situation. DH isn't in control of his behavior and reactions. You will have to be. It will hurt, but I cannot see another way. Wishing you luck and hoping you will update us.
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