Has anyone experienced a LO placed in care who never settles in to their new residence?

My 102 year old mother broke her hip a month ago and had surgery. She is in rehab now,but not making great progress. She was living semi independently because she wouldn’t allow me to bring in more help. Now in rehab when I visit each day all I hear is that she is lonely and wants to go home. At the moment she is a two person assist, but that means nothing to her. She says that she needs no help. The rehab center social worker says if she chooses she can leave. Each day I have to explain to my mother that this is the best place for her and each day I leave with nerves frazzled. I have explained were she to go home that she would require 24/7 care and that she would be in financial ruin in six months. She doesn’t care. She has anxiety,but when offered meds refuses. She has burned through four roommates because of her constant screaming and crying. My mother has now figured out that she can make the decision to leave the rehab facility. She is hell bent on going home. I get that she wants to go home, but at what cost. She would be calling me night and day. If she had her way I would live with her. I know she would chase all the help away. I am after two years of caring for her 24/7 burnt out. My mother has no interest in meeting people or doing activities. Her days consist of yelling to the heavens for my father, watching tv, and humming. When I am there she says to me if I make her stay her death will be on my hands or your father wouldn’t make me stay here. It’s like this every day. Recently when she would start in I would get up and say I need to leave. Her tone changes and she starts yelling don’t leave me alone. I am her POA . I am considering resigning .

Please tell the staff at the Psych Hospital that he is not to have a phone. If you have a POA or Guardianship over him, you should be able to request that. They are enabling his torture of you. Unbelievable!

If they won’t comply, go over their heads!

All I can say is it sounds like my Mom, except at the time she was in her 50s. Drugs or medical issues would effect her memory and she would be anxious and lonely. She called her best friend many times a day. At least that friend had no power to discharge her. The friend worked but had a great boss, so she would take off work, unpaid, and sit with my Mom.

Two things that did help. One was a guest book. Staff asked all visitors to sign it. & maybe leave a note, both when Mom was awake and if they found her sleeping...including date and time. This way family and friends could show that she had been visited, even though she thought she had been alone.

Have doctor order sedative as a Regular med, not a PRN. That way she won't be asked of she wants it now, but just told it's RX doc ordered. She can still refuse, but will probably get some doses.

Get her address book..hopefuly some friends are online. Ask them to send funny stories, pictures and jokes to read to your Mom. This way you can change the subject. She won't protest hearing from dear friends for very long..ignore her when she does. Remind her she is being impolite not listening when they took the time to write or send pictures. This worked well with my dad.

And yes, use silence setting. You might need to get a cheap 2 nd line for doctors or staff use to reach you...sleep and time to take care of life's chores is important.

Don't be afraid of the psych evaluations, Panda, my mom was sent for psych evaluations a few times. There they would find a med combo that would help her feel more comfortable. The meds were quite strong and each time my mom would become more comfortable. I now, often think that mom also had undiagnosed FTD in addition to Alzheimer's. She was completely unmanageable.

I know how hard this must be on you and your husband. Remember, most importantly, they will find a way to help him better cope, which is scary because of the strength of the meds and how much more he will sleep and relax. Also important to remember is that he would not want to be feeling this way either. Taking someone home is not a viable option.

My mom was eventually kicked out of memory care. She was on hospice at the time and they recommended a much smaller care home where the caregiver/resident ratio was much lower. And it was cheaper and would have been a better fit for her from the beginning.

Mom also had to have 24/7 caregivers, an additional cost, to keep her engaged and hopefully out of trouble.

Best wishes to you and hubby. Stay strong, kind of a emotional detachment, and have faith that the pros will be able to find a solution. Trust them.

If the facility will not let him return, do not take him home! Use the social workers to find another facility, maybe a care home?

For the new posters, there is an article (AC - Aging Care posted a reply earlier) that lists acronyms. It would be helpful if AC had that article link at the top of every page as this comes up frequently. The link is:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/common-caregiving-abbreviations-and-acronyms-435589.htm

Or when someone sets up a new profile, send a welcome email containing the link to the acronym article.

I find the reply function very irritating. Unless one checks replies it is often difficult to follow a conversation. It also opens up an opportunity for undesirable arguing, correcting and rudeness.

Just a thought--make sure that the phone he has, has a number that will answer with an answering machine style recording that is your half of a typical conversation, so that every time it calls he thinks you have answered and are conversing (very generically). If it works so that he thinks you are answering, it could take some of the load. You can also occasionally pick it up yourself and have a short real conversion.

DH has been transferred to the Mental Heath Unit. They are changing meds, redoing the memory and cognitive testing and so on just to triple check all his previous findings
He will not be coming home. He has settled down a lot His brother drove down from Canberra to see him. Seems to understand. Basically a fact finding mission. DH Now hates me. Says I put him there to get rid of him. Blah. Blah. Wants me out of his house. Wants his money. Wants a divorce. Brother has gone home ( didn’t bother to see me). I guess we will see. I am sure his family will have more to say

My gosh, Panda

He is having a tough time which means that you’re having it rough too. I’m so sorry. Hope it gets better soon for both of you.