My Dad is currently in a nursing home with dementia. They have moved him closer to nurses station because he is a high fall risk. I hate the room he’s in now. He has no room and a roommate that is in his underwear all day and has tv up at full volume. My heart breaks. My Dad never complains but he’s lost so much. He can literally look out his window and see his home he used to live in. My guilt follows me everywhere and I feel so bad about his current condition. I try to tell myself to look at the positives. He’s warm and safe and well fed. Still my heart finds it hard to take. My health has taken a hit and I’m so exhausted all the time. Can anyone relate?
Remember that your thinking is not his. How he's living in the nursing home may bother you, but not him. It's true that many elders with dementia do not complain incessantly and are content where they are. I was a caregiver for a long time and was a supervisor at a nice AL facility. There were residents who lived their best lives and never complained about anything. Until one of their family members showed up. Then the gloom and doom, complaining, crying, and negativity would start. They'd go right back to enjoying life and being content the minute the family left.
Your father isn't doing this. He's good where he is. If he wasn't you'd be hearing about it.
You are applying rules of normalcy in your world to DAD'S life and as a result, you see him suffering and so your heart breaks for him. Change your thinking. Be happy for him that he's doing fine and adjusting well. Be happy that you can visit with him and he's not making you so upset saying foul things to you that you have to cry on the car ride home. I hope you see where I'm coming from. A calm, non complaining elder with dementia whose not upset and wreaking havoc, calling you the spawn of satan is not a problem. He's in his own little bubble where life is fine. Thank God. I can't recall ever seeing my mother when she was "fine". I once asked her to state one thing she was grateful for. After thinking long and hard, she came up with nothing. After 94 yrs on earth. I'll bet if you asked that question to dad, he'd come up with a list in short order. God bless him, and you.
Happy Holidays my friend. Rest easy. Dad's ok.
Guilt implies fault and evil intent. However, you didn't cause this aging and the needs that come with it, not can you fix it. So guilt is out of the question. Guilt is for felons who do evil by choice and relish the results.
Grief is what you feel for the loss and sadness that comes with it, for standing witness to pain for your loved one. And isn't this worth grieving.
There is very little you can do. You can speak to administration about the noise level in the room. You can buy a stack of ear plugs, good ones on amazon. You can look into Board and Care options if any remain in your area (they are now rare as hen's teeth) where a senior is more like a member of a "six-pack"--six or so other seniors. Usually run by families they are more family like in atmosphere.
The falls still will occur, and that is wherever Dad's room is. And eventually will lead to catastrophe of some sort. But there is no cure on balance when it goes wrong for seniors, and if we live long enough (I am 83) balance ALWAYS goes wrong.
I am so very sorry. The grief I felt for my brother in his last years left me PRAYING (atheist that I am) for his release, and that given it was what he most wanted as well. This is terribly painful. But it has nothing to do with "guilt".
Please work on viewing your emotions as grief, not guilt. You haven't done anything wrong, so there's nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't cause his aging and you can't fix it. It is just how humanity works. Back in the day, people didn't live this long and because there wasn't any healthcare, people died pretty quickly from illnesses and medical problems.
Count his blessing for him, like you've done: he's "warm and safe and well fed". He's got people watching out for him 24/7 and a loving child who is concerned for his wellbeing. That's more than many seniors all over the world have right now.
When I'm stressed or blue, I get very tired and feel like I want to sleep all the time, so I let myself do this. You are in a growing "club" of caregivers on this forum, so are in good company. May you receive peace in your heart that you've done your best and your Dad is getting the best possible in his circumstances.