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I apologize if this question does not make sense but I’m a regular in the forum so most of you know my situation. My dad is in a care facility and might be facing some serious health issues. He is continually saying he wishes he were at home. I understand he misses home but he has many physical and medical issues and needs that are best served in a facility. I know that if his issues are serious and require hospice, he will want to come home. I’m not a terrible person but I still would be unable to care for him as he needs 24 care. He can not shower, get in and out of bed, or tend to bathroom needs. I would like to hear from others who have had to decide whether to bring them home for hospice care or let them remain at the facility?

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Faithful, you don't exactly say what your fear is.

You're right that you cannot care for him at home. He's better off in a facility where a team of professionals look after him.

As for hospice, my father and mother (sequentially) both had hospice care at home plus a 24/7 live-in CNA plus at least 3 relief caregivers as needed, RNs, PTs, OTs, chaplains, MDs and one other family member plus me. Also a volunteer who brought her guitar and sang. Just scheduling and keeping track was exhausting. Oh, and shopping, cooking and laundry too. There are noises, there are odors. Don't do this to yourself. Your dad won't know where he is when he gets to EOL. Neither of my parents did. And you will forever have to live with the overwhelming and sad memory of his dying in your house.

My husband is currently at a facility and in hospice care. He is content there, and the staff is kind and caring. He won't be coming home to die.
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faithfulbeauty May 12, 2025
@Fawnby,
I'm afraid that he will check himself out of the facility and then I will be the one having to care for him. But I do not plan on allowing that to happen but it is a fear. He is bold and will call someone else to pick him up and take him home or bring him to my house.
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Leave him in the facility and hospice can come when it’s time . Glad we did it that way .

Dont change course . This is just more of the same . Your father has been trying to go back home forever .
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My dad passed a year ago. He was in home hospice(living with my mom) for his last 4 months and only at a facility his last 3 days.

I wish he had gone into a facility much earlier, but my mom wouldn’t hear of it until there was no other choice with him falling and hurting himself once or twice per day at home. Even with her totally unable to help him up. Nor would/could she clean him from incontinence issues.

I have some really traumatic memories of the days and weeks leading up to his going into a facility because I would have to go over there to deal with constant crises. My mom was in borderline nervous breakdown the whole time and not coping well at all. His overall state was appalling.

My advice— don’t even consider pulling him out of the facility. Warn the facility and anyone he is likely to call ahead of time you can’t care for him in your home, it isn’t safe.

good luck!
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I could not care for my parents at home, so how could I care for them at home when they needed hospice care in addition to all the care they received in AL and MC? It has nothing to do with "being a terrible person" but with common sense. You cannot do what you cannot do. And unless your father has the funds to pay for 24/7 care in the home, and someone to coordinate all the chaos of when the caregivers don't show up, he needs to stay right where he is. Once he reaches end of life, he's going to pass whether he's at home or in a facility. I considered hospice a blessing and did not fear them coming on board at all. By the time my parents needed hospice, the prospect of them being released from pain was a relief.

Best of luck realizing there is no easy way to accept loss, but the goal is to keep dad comfortable which is easier to achieve in care than it is at home. Staff on hand at all time helps tremendously.
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One of the most most difficult moments in my life was telling my dad that he would not be coming back home with us after a stay in a skilled nursing facility. I told him I had found a lovely care home and bless him, he accepted it with grace. I visited him daily and he went on hospice services not long thereafter. Although he was not asking, I wouldn’t have attempted to bring him home, knowing that he was in the best place for the 24 hour care he needed. There is no reason for feelings of guilt, especially when you are making decisions from a place of love.
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Stop beating yourself up about him. It is what it is and he needs to be in a facility with 24/7 hospice care, it is just that simple.

You cannot take care of him, accept that as fact. You do not have the power to change his health issues and the fact he wants to go back home...most of them do.

In order to move forward you need to accept the truth of the matter.
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FB, your dad can return to his home on Hospice if he can afford around the clock caregivers.

There is no way that YOU can possibly care for him.

It sounds like he's being his usual manipulative self.

Stay strong and continue to be his daughter and advocate.
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faithfulbeauty May 12, 2025
He can not afford it at all. You are right, there is no way I can. Each time I talk to him, he says he wishes he was at home. He tries to make me feel sorry for him.
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I feared, regarding my husband going on hospice, because it meant the end was definitely near. Hospice is a death knell. It tore my heart to shreds. He passed about 4 months later.

You are continuing the honorable job of ensuring that all that can be done for you father is being done.

I read your profile and even with your strained relationship you are doing the very best any one can hope for. You done good.
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On the practical side: I will not be bringing my Mother home if hospice or palliative care is needed. I can visit & assit in the nursing home or a hospital. I can't look after her 24/7 while well & stable so I sure couldn't do it if unwell & end of life. No guilt whatsoever. I know I can't.

On the emotional side: My Father was grateful to be cared for in a palliative care ward. There was no talk of home. No need. His needs were met by staff with skill, care & compassion & also from family with kindness & love. The walls & decor did not matter one bit.
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faithfulbeauty May 13, 2025
I wish my dad was grateful for his nice facility. But he would rather see him struggle trying to care for him
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My dad went in hospice and only lasted two weeks in there, unfortunately.
I didn't want him to go in there, but had no choice as his health was deteriorating rather quickly. He lived out of state and his g/f was trying to care for him, but it became more than she could bear.
She told him that she could no longer care for him at home and she told me that I could not do it, either.
I would visit him as often as I could, but he passed away after only two weeks there from cancer. :-(
He fought with the doctors at first because he insisted on being home, but they told him he was going to get weaker and weaker and had no choice.
After 13 years, it's still hard to talk about for me without welling up.
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