Has anyone else found funerals to be stressful? Caregiving is stressful and family members go through a lot of different emotions.
Because of COVID our family felt it was best to do a simple graveside service for mom with just family members. I let everyone know that it was to be ‘just the family.’
Well, my cousin has decided to invite extra people to the service. They aren’t even people that we are close to.
Our caregiver journey was long and emotionally draining. All we desire is a peaceful and private service to say prayers with the priest and to say our goodbyes privately to mom.
Anyway, when my cousin called me, I politely told him that the guests he invited were welcome to attend the Mass that I was having said for her but the service was for family only. He did what he always does by denying what was initially said to him. He said, “No one told me it was just for family” I responded by saying, “Yes, everyone was told.” So, he then says, “Well, I can skip the service and just go to the Mass.”
I ended up saying that we want him there. This is my cousin that my mom and dad raised from a young child and is considered part of our family. He hasn’t lived here since graduating from college and these are old college friends of his.
I certainly understand that he wants to see his ‘old college pals’ but mom’s private service shouldn’t be used as a reunion. He tends to make everything about him. He’s always done this. I end up feeling like the bad guy.
The same thing happens at weddings. People specifically ask that no young children attend and people bring their kids anyway! They can’t think about the couple who don’t want to take a chance on kids screaming through the ceremony.
My brother has a long history with heart disease and hasn’t been vaccinated and my cousin invites a half a dozen people that we don’t even know! It’s selfish and insensitive to the rest of us who have been through so much emotionally with caring for mom.
How would you feel about his behavior? Do I give my brother a heads up that uninvited guests are coming? I am so sick of being placed in the middle of family crap. My cousin should not have assumed that we wouldn’t mind strangers in attendance.
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NeedHelpWithMom, you have lost your mother and your present responsibility is to yourself, mourning her loss.
People who complicate in any way at this difficult time need to be disregarded. That really is all you need to focus on.
Your brother’s welfare, while a concern, is not your job, nor is the dynamic with the cousin.
Hoping that you find comfort, solace, and peace with what you’ve planned, and find the strength and Grace to ignore everything that is not focused on your mother and her loss,
I hope you find a solution and have a good day celebrating your mom.
Thank you for your warm wishes. I appreciate it.
It’s hard to understand why people behave so strangely at funerals.
I don’t know but I have a suspicion that he is using the funeral as a stepping stone to other activities afterwards. For one thing, he’s a workaholic who is constantly networking. He’s always looking for the next ‘deal’ and uses every opportunity to network for business.
He never stops. I don’t think I have ever gone out to dinner with him that he isn’t on the phone or his laptop doing business. In fact, his last trip here, he had an emergency trip to the ER! His doctor has warned him over and over to stop working so many hours. He didn’t listen and had a heart attack. Heart disease is in our family. Two of my brothers have had numerous surgeries. My cousin has had a couple of heart surgeries also. My dad had heart surgery.
NeedHelp, I think in your case I would tell your brother what’s happening. It’s unfair that you should have to burden yourself with this on your own. Maybe you can take some precautions to keep your brother extra safe at the funeral, in terms of masking up and possibly getting the cousin and his friends to sit further away from your brother. Can the minister help you to ensure this happens?
I am horrified and saddened that at times like this, when kindness and compassion are needed, there are people who are so selfish, heartless and uncaring.
I hope you can do as we intend to do at this time: surround yourself with people who love and care for you, to offset the emotional damage and distress caused.
That is crazy! Rant away. That’s how I felt. I had to get it off my chest. Your sis in law sounds whacko!
These things boggle our minds. Some things can be resolved and sadly other times it can’t.
Wishing the very best for your family as we go forward during these difficult days.
I think it’s nuts that people act crazy at funerals and at weddings. It’s not like we get to do these over again.
Oh, listen to this one. My mom and dad were close with their neighbor. I grew up next door to this woman. We loved her. She was a wonderful person.
Well, this woman was single with no children and she trusted another neighbor who pretended to be her best friend to carry out her last wishes. This woman had a cemetery plot in the Jewish cemetery. The other neighbor ignored her wishes to be laid to rest there and had her cremated.
Then she invited my mom and dad along with other neighbors, handed out tablespoons to each person to spoon some of the ashes in the woman’s rose garden.
My parents flipped out and couldn’t do it because it wasn’t what she wanted. My neighbor had her headstone and grave waiting with everything except her body and the inscription on the grave. How awful is that? Oh, she also had an estate sale selling everything in her home the same weekend! She inherited it, sold it and gave the home to her son to live in.
My mom said to me, “Oooh, she is going to haunt them for what they did!” Whenever we would hear about mishaps that the son had, mom and I would joke about her haunting them. I guess my neighbor sold the cemetery plot too. What a shame.
"Listen, cuz, we would like you to come to the service; but, as I'm sure you can understand, we want to keep it very small. Our caregiving journey with mom was long and emotional. None of us are up to a crowd of people, Covid concerns notwithstanding. I'm sure you understand our feelings. We would really appreciate if you would un-invite your friends from the service."
Don't let him browbeat you into giving in to something that will cause you undue stress and heartache. And after the conversation, be done with it, you don't have to allow him to drag you into a debate. Your service, your rules. It's the one time in your life that people will forgive your being "selfish", so tell him the extra guests are a no-go and let him have to explain to his buddies that he overstepped his boundaries. This is not your mess to clean up; it's his.
Peace to you, my friend, you have certainly earned it.
He tends to think of himself first. It did upset me. I ended up pouring a glass of wine after I got off the phone with him.
You know what is crazy? He’s had Covid himself. He has had a heart problems too so he should understand about my brother’s health issues. He works 60 - 80 hours a week! He also says, he hopes that he doesn’t have to answer a business call during the service. Please, I hope his phone doesn’t go off while the priest is praying.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for strength during this difficult time
Hahaha! You sound like my husband. He said what you did. Thanks for prayers and hugs. I need them!
Your cousin was wrong and you told him. Just let it go.
My cousin came across as rude and selfish. It made me feel like he cared more about his college buddies than me.
I might, if I were feeling nice, inform my cousin, who apparently is not nice enough to respect YOUR wishes.
He stinks.
Hugs to you, NHWM!