My mother (64) and now disabled due to 2 femur fractures within 3 months of each other and her M.S., told me today that she only has enough funds for the next 2 weeks to keep a roof over her head and caregivers. Backstory: My mother has lived in an extended stay hotel for years and had only been working full time again for about 3 years when she fell and broke her femur. We have no close family anymore and my sister is younger, so all the responsibility of taking care of her, figuring out financial assistance, government aid, social security, insurance, STD/LTD, etc. fell to me. After the second fracture, my mother became wheelchair bound (one of her legs was already affected by MS and the other now healing from the fracture). I have a full time job and found caregivers to help me change her diapers, make her food, bathe her, etc. because I couldn't keep doing it anymore. After her first fracture, I was a full time caretaker and my manager was thankfully understanding. I would go to her room multiple times a day to assist her, grocery shop for her, do laundry, wake up at 4:30 a.m. 3 times a week to get her to the hospital downtown by 6:45 am for PT on top of other appointments she had. My life was hell for a year and my mother and I have never had a great relationship due to her abuse when I was younger. Mind you I was 25 when all this happened, now 26. She has a victim mentality and seems to only care about her situation when she hits rock bottom (which seems to be quite often). I gave her a list of apartments and agencies to contact so she could help take all the burden off me and so she wouldn't be homeless in the months to come. This was over 6 months ago and when I would follow up with her to see where the search was at she would brush it off. All she cared about was not being put into a nursing home like the social worker from the hospital suggested. She gets social security checks now, lots off financial assistance through the hospital, food stamps, etc. all because I helped her. Now she is trying to be picky about where she lives because she thinks these places are beneath her when she is out of options and the money my grandparents left for her. I cannot take her on full time because I live in an apartment with 2 dogs, I don't have the resources, and I am only 26! I have been seeing a therapist for over a year now, but I came on here to see if anyone has been through something similar. I highlighted a small portion of our story, but this has been so isolating and depressing. I was able to feel free and happy for the first time a few months ago and now it feels like the walls are closing in. I gave her numbers to contact for our agency on aging and metro services, so hopefully she takes advantage of that. I have also listed her car for sale (with her permission, but I am also the executor of her will and POA of all financial matters since a year ago). I don't know how to live with the guilt if she ends up on the street. I have done everything I can, but she won't make it out there. What else can I do or should I just let it be and make her deal with some of the consequences?
My half sister grew up a daughter who's now 40 and has an 8 year old child, never married, never worked, lived with mommy her whole life who did everything for her and disabled her as a result. When my sister remarried and moved (with the daughter and granddaughter) into his home, the new husband asked the daughter to get a job and pay rent. She said no. He had to have them formally evicted from his home as a result. The daughter and granddaughter went to live in a shelter in Harlem NYC as a result. They were given their own room with a lock on the door. Both of them lived there for over a YEAR and my niece was helped to find a job and Section 8 housing. Her 8 yr old daughter now rides public transit alone back and forth to school every day.
My point is, at some time in life, we all have to figure our own way. My niece somehow managed to figure out her life even after the care was withdrawn. So will your mother. It wont be a fancy lifestyle she finfds herself living in, but she'll be alright especially if social services are plentiful in your state.
You matter too. Don't let guilt force you into continued indentured servitude. Let mom be responsible for herself now. It's time.
Good luck.
Please call APS this afternoon and get the ball rolling.
Your mother will need to go to a nursing home and that is the end of that story. If she becomes homeless, that is on her and you are not responsible for her bad decisions.
Take care of you!
Step back , stop helping her. You have been propping her up which allows her to refuse to move to a nursing home.
You need to tell your mother that you can not provide the level of care she needs , nor are you going to pay out of your pocket for her rent or care . She has no other choice but to go on Medicaid in a facility . If she still refuses , call APS , and the Agency of Aging .
You do not have to wait until Mom is 65 for her to be placed on Medicaid . The assessment can be done now to see if she qualifies for SNF level of care in a nursing home , which it sounds like most likely she would , which is why the social worker suggested it .
This will happen if you step completely away and call APS when she is in need. The longer you insert yourself and give the appearance of her not needing help, the longer it takes for a permanent solution to be put into place.
Yes, it will feel very hard to do this and she'll be angry -- but you have done yeoman's work for her to date. There's obviously something wrong with either her mental health or cognitive abilities, so let professionals deal with her and move on with your life knowing you did the best you could for someone who didn't deserve it. May you receive peace in your heart as you move forward.
Some family members tried to guilt me because my mom is in memory care and I didn’t ask their opinion, well they weren’t appointed POA and I’m not on a committee. My parents did not plan for old age and certainly not for Alzheimer’s and an otherwise healthy body so I did my best and then she went to a nursing home and then to memory care. I wish I had the capacity to do more but I can’t and I don’t feel guilty for making sure I won’t be a burden to my own children.
I wish you well. I hope you can work this out for yourself and I also hope you might find a church that fits your beliefs as they can bring great comfort in stressful times.
More than 10 million Millennials are caring for aging parents before they've been able to fully launch their own careers and consider starting their own families, and that's not including the incalculable numbers of people affected by long COVID. Yet no one is naming this problem, talking about how it feels, or offering resources to ease the pressure of Millennial caregiver burnout."
I wish you well. You deserve to have your own life.