My mom was in assisted living through covid and my husband and I were the only ones looking out for her. I am an only child and we have no friends or family here where we live. We have no kids.
I took her to almost every doctor appointment, except the ones where the nurse practitioner would come and not notify me beforehand so that I could be there, and helped make all decisions for her care and took care of her house that she still owned as well as ours. I visited her 5-6 days a week as her AL was nearby. I stayed with her during several hospital stays this past year. During this time my husband was diagnosed with skin cancer and had to have a skin graft. We had to travel 4 hours each way and spend the night to access his surgeon and follow-up care.
I was poa and medical poa for my Mom.. She passed in May after a bowel perforation at age 96 and 3 weeks in hospice care. I was with her almost non-stop along with caregivers that had to be hired by me in order for her to return to AL from the hospital. During that time, I was sleeping on a cot in her apartment. I was there with her when she went to meet our Lord.
I had 10 days to get her things out of her apartment, otherwise we would have had to pay for the next month. I planned her graveside service, she was 96, and had outlived much of the family and friends. I coordinated 2 distant Pastor's input etc. Meanwhile, her last remaining older sister and my dearest Aunt passed away about 6 weeks after my beloved Mom. I had hoped to be able to visit her again on our trip to bury Mom and had not been able to due to distance and covid restrictions at her nursing home. My Mom's death took away a big reason for her living as she had always charged herself with looking out for her baby sister. My cousin said her head dropped as she said "I am the last one" upon being told of my Mom's death. There were originally 8 siblings.
We drove my Mom's cremains across the country to be interred at the service, also visiting her nephews and my husbands famiily. It was a 3 week trip. We have had one house/appliance issue after another upon our return. I am also executrix . Now, I'm dealing with important estate papers I sent priority express by usps that are lost! I won't list all the house issues but there was one after another, several in 1 week! My husband tries to help and does what he can, but he is tied to an academic year and research, and works long hours and some weekends. The scheduled Probate hearing was postponed as the court had a conflict and is now a week away delaying my ability to access some financial accounts and reimbursement for expenses we covered. I feel like I take 1 step forward and 2 backward.
I am blessed to have had good, caring, loving parents. She and I were close and I miss her very much. I second guess some of the decisions I had to make regarding her care. I feel like I can't even grieve for all that needs, and has needed, to be done. I just had a health issue and am anxious a lot. Anyone else feeling this way?
my deepest condolences to you! anyone in your situation would be stressed out and anxious. only you know your whole mental situation, but you don't seem anxious (in the medical sense) to me --- you are rightfully so, stressed out by lots of problems you must deal with.
i hope the problems are solved very soon. i'm sure your anxiety will decrease a lot.
hug!!
I also had a COVID infection in January 2021, and I believe I have continuing struggles with that, and chronic pain from Fibromyalgia.
Among my cutest “social supports” are my grandchildren and my music.
I imagine, Pjdela, that your dear Aunt accompanied your mother to Heaven, and they are at peace there.
Time to take super good care of yourself. You’ve earned the right to do so.
Fyi I’m also solo in charge of everything and have anxiety problems off and on. It’s so much. Likewise I’m sensitive to medications - never know which ones until a bad reaction, and another family member was the same way so I know I didn’t make it up. Someone mentioned cbd to help me sleep, and I was super resistant because of the aforementioned problem. Finally I tried it and it has helped my sleep soooo much. No bad effects on me. I still can wake up and stay awake at night but it’s been a tremendous help. If you chose to go this route I suggest a high quality brand just to eliminate any goofy ingredients.
I’ve found that ratcheting out a couple/few hours to wander around and do NOTHING helps too. Go to a neighboring city and look at boats and sit on a park bench. Window shop. Walk on a beach and look at things. No agenda. This is not easy to make happen but it’s been repeated suggested to me y different people and it does help me feel like there is Life out there again.
Huge hug to you
In time, once the organisational tasks are complete, I hope you can take real break. A holiday somewhere.. A place to just laze, sit, hike, swim - whatever relaxes you. A bookend to this period.
Awhile back, I assumed it was anxiety that was causing me to wake breathless in the night. I was unable to wind down properly, had ruminating thoughts, no matter how much I thought about never seemed to fade. Like some others I wished I'd sought help earlier. When I did, it was a great relief. The way I answered the questionaire brought an 'adjustment disorder' label - a level of stress related anxiety relating to life events. For me talk therapy was enough but I am not against medication when required to get out of a rut.
I have had similar before at a big life change event. Once I reached a certain level of adjustment, then the grief descended - like a punch to the stomach one day. I feel now it was delayed/held back until I was better ready to deal with it.
I'm sure your anxiety will fade as time goes on but getting a little extra help probably won't hurt.
Sending kind thoughts your way 😊
I did visit my PCP and discussed my anxiety with him. He said with all I had going on he was not surprised I would be anxious. He offered medication. I said I would prefer not to take it now as I just had a bout of really strong antibiotics for diverticulitis and am still a bit off from those. That was scary because a bowel perforation is what finally took my beloved 96 year old Mom from us. She had diverticulosis like me.
Also, I get a lot of side effects from meds. He said talking to someone would probably be best anyway if I was open to it and has referred me to a counseling/psychology group who I am waiting to hear from. If they don't contact me in the next couple of days, I will contact them. I will have the probate hearing tomorrow if it doesn't get rescheduled again, so will be glad to get on with it and not be in a holding pattern.
The lost mail was finally found and delivered so that was a relief as it had sensitive information. Still have more items to send and will be trying something other than usps as it is no longer reliable in my area. At least they found it!
Hopefully I can sleep better soon. I go to sleep but wake up 3-5 hours later and can't get back to sleep. Trying to work in a little walking or stationary bike and some fresh air. Trimmed some overgrown hedges yesterday and have more to do.
I waited too long to ask for help when I was having post traumatic stress and severe anxiety in 2000 after finding my birth family. Taking time for myself was not enough, I needed medical intervention b/c I wasn't sleeping, eating, or functioning properly. All I was doing was crying and thinking about death. I was hyper sensitive to loud noises and super startled/jumping at any noise I heard. By the time I got myself to the doctor, he diagnosed me with very bad anxiety disorder and prescribed Paxil. It was like a switch was flipped off in my brain; I suddenly calmed down (after about a week) and was finally able to start sleeping and eating again. I stopped jumping at loud noises, and my body started to relax, thank God. I'm only sorry I waited so long to admit I needed help.
Please call your PCP and ask for help with your anxiety. There's no shame in doing so; it's medically necessary b/c you've been through too much grief and stress for your poor body to bear.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your mom. My God help you through the grieving process and allow you to move on with your life now, with the peace and happiness you deserve. I lost my mom at 95 years old this past February myself. I'm at peace that her pain is finally finished and she's with God now.