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Last month I moved my MIL into an ALF. It was quite the dramatic event but very good (for her and me!). After dealing then accepting that my MIL's 4 siblings and very active 96 year old mother would not get involved we thought things were improving. My FIL (her husband) open heart surgery so my focus switch from her to him. I made sure that my husband or myself visited her at least 4 times a week and she was kept updated on his progress. One evening (of course a day husband or I did not visit) my MIL's mother called. She went to visit her daughter and (gasp) She was alseep! Grandmother is upset because all her daughter does is sleep in this facility! I calmly asked how times she has visited (this was her 1st) and explained the ALF activity schedule, MIL's nap schedule and such. She seemed to be okay. Grandmother now visits once a week and then calls to complain. About EVERYTHING, I have walked her though each issue but no, it wasn't enough. So grandmother talked her youngest son to come with her to get it fixed (after all the drama when we started at this facility I put strict orders on who could make changes to MIL's care plan. Me only.) When the son couldn't help she called my sister in law, her granddaughter. The facility has handled this great without causing more drama but they have spoken to me about it. This is all silly issues but they can cause problems. Ex: My MIL takes an afternoon nap around 2pm. When 1 or all these people visit they feel she should do the afternoon activity. Nap or not - MIL hates Bingo. They "force" her to go. If one of the nurses says anything they will "tell" MIL we can either play Bingo, go out or just not visit you. I flipped out and had my husband contact the family will his mom's routine. Things improved for a bit (a week, I thought) until I did my usual snacks and supply check for MIL's room and found a fruit tray among other inappropriate items. Back in June MIL had a big choking scare (ambulance to ER and overnight stay) eating fruit! Yes, the same kind!! I asked her who gave it to her - she doesn't remember. These family members don't sign the visitors log - literally write family. AND when they stay for a meal don't pay the $5 - they can soo afford it!

I've asked my husband to contact they family again, and the facility is putting a note on her refrigerator and cabinets restating she is on a mechanical soft diet. It's already posted once.
I'm getting to the point I want to ban them from visiting. But it's her mother, sibling and daughter. She used to be extremely close to her mother and daughter. Even after she started having espoides she had to takk to them almost every day. Some days I feel very guilty because banning them would help me! But I know she loves seeing them and I know if I do it my husband will have some heavy duty craziness to deal with...

Fyi.... FIL has POA over MIL. Daughter is next in line for MIL. I have DPOA for FIL.

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We've written 2 family letters that I chose to make more explanatory (this is her schedule, her needs and etc.). Maybe another one with harsher language?
The facility gave us the option of "banning". If they cause to much drama with the staff they can do it. I told them not at this time.
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I don't see how you can really ban her family from seeing her. Yes, extended family often make our lives more stressful but we can't always just cut them out because of it.

Have you thought of sending out a mass email stating what your MIL's activities are, when she prefers to take a nap, dietary necessities, etc? Just an FYI kind of email so it doesn't look like you're dictating to them when they can and can't visit your MIL.

But if you've taken charge of your MIL's care while she's in the ALF be prepared to bear the brunt of those who disagree with your schedule. Maybe someone who reads this will have a great suggestion on how to escape it.
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