She wanted to be home and has very much resisted hospice and palliative care and has ensured that there are orders to resuscitate should she need it. She is definitely a survivor and has a very strong will to live which I admire and am glad to see. Due to the unfolding of events with several falls and life-threatening blood-clots in the shadow of a pancreatic cancer dx w/in the last month, she has been hospitalized and recently transferred to rehab in a nursing facility to walk again after the blood-clot intervention (filter), and she has a naive hope that she will return home again when she, in reality, has worsening incontinence, limited mobility and refusal to eat much. I understand the anger and frustration but, as a granddaughter, am having a hard time dealing with the arrows she is slinging at us implying that we are 'never there,' when, due to distance and busy schedules/raising families/jobs, we do the best we can to drive to see her when we can and we all call her regularly. I feel some of her anger is mis-placed, but I also have so many positive memories of her that date all the way back to child-hood. She has been a major 'constant' presence in my life. She has also been a grandmother to my and my siblings children, more so than our own mother. I am really distressed to see her mentally/emotionally in such an angry place with relation to all of us who are her family and would like to find some sort of peace with her while she is still alive. She keeps telling everyone that she does not want us to visit. I'm not sure how to proceed from here on out. It is heartbreaking and upsetting. She will be very missed but I'm also concerned that I'm taking things too personally when she is the one facing death. Everyone in our family has been there as much as possible since her diagnosis because they care and they love her. She has been increasingly cynical and has implied that money is the reason which is like a slap in the face. I have told her to take her money and get the best care she can possibly get where she wants it. It is almost as if she needs to believe the worst of us when, over the years, we have all generally been close. Any advice would be greatly appreciated in terms of how to move forward with her. I hesitate to call because she says she's busy and she quickly disconnects the phone. She proactively calls those who she knows are coming to visit to tell them not to visit. I feel she is in survivor mode and we may be reminders of her situation/her diagnosis her prognosis. This is not how I imagined her life to come to an end. We all remember her as very affectionate and loving and caring over the years. I'm wondering if we're now seeing how she truly has felt about us. It almost feels like our relationship with her has been a farce. I don't like knowing that my grandmother will pass on with this much animosity toward her children and grandchildren and what we can do at this point to provide some sort of peace.

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Thank you all so much for your suggestions. Babalou, her youngest daughter, my aunt, is her primary advocate. She has been the daughter who has been closest to her. There is some estrangement and 'bad blood' between my grandmother and my mother. My mother alienated herself from the family through her affiliation with a family-destroying religious cult. She is now, of course, back in the picture, trying to push her beliefs about what happens after death on my grandmother and it's angering her mother. My mother is angry with my grandmother that she has been like a mother to us, her daughters, after we left the cult and started our own families. All of this horrible mess is so so unresolved and full of contention. It seems that my grandmother is now lumping us in with our mother and favoring her other daughter and her children, although my aunt insists she is getting the same stuff from her, just of a different nature. I actually called my aunt after my most recently upsetting visit to my grandmother to suggest some sort of spiritual counselor/psych. counselor visit her to address this. My grandmother is obsessed with her blood pressure when I'm just sitting there horrified by how not at peace she is. Rationally I understand the huge toll facing death can take and so have refrained from exploring my feelings which seem trivial in light of what she's going through. I also feel like I need guidance on how to not let this interfere and rise above it to be there for her and present as I still have things I want to say to her and things to share with her. I feel at a loss and completely powerless as to how to help. It is heartbreaking. Jeanne, thank you for the suggestion and I'll probably do that. I need to remember the good things. She will see a clergy person this week and receive a psych eval. So far, she's been very resistant to any/all visits from professionals. She is also complaining to my aunt about the care and it is at odds with the reports being given by the staff. She is in an award-winning facility with a great reputation.
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Oh, sweetie! This must be SO very hard for you. She is, as you say, in survival mode. Who has POA, and is in touch with her physicians? Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? It's very possible that antianxiety/antidepressant meds would make a big difference in her outlook. Please, have someone look into this tomorrow. And read what Jeanne said!
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"We all remember her as very affectionate and loving and caring over the years. I'm wondering if we're now seeing how she truly has felt about us."

No. Just no. How she is behaving in "survivor mode" with severe health issues that no doubt impact her cognitive abilities has NOTHING to do with how she truly has felt about you all these years. She acted loving toward you. She was a constant in your life. That was not faked. That is how she truly felt.

I don't think she is "faking" her anger and frustration and pushing you away now. The feelings are real but they are misdirected. You and your family are not the cause of her mortality. In spite of all her efforts and all her strength and all her wishes, she is dying. How hard would that be to accept?

I don't know what the best approach is for you now, but I absolutely know you should remember your Grandmother as she truly was -- a loving presence in your life.

Perhaps on some level she cannot bare the thought of leaving you, and she is trying to make it easier on herself. Sour grapes? I'm sure she is not aware of this and doing it deliberately, but I wonder if it is a possibility.

I think I would try writing a brief but very meaningful note each day. Specific memories you will hold of her. "Gram, I am so grateful for the time you .... Remember how frightened I was, and how you comforted me?" Even if she tears them up, they have a chance of getting through to her on some level.

Keep in touch an let us know how this unfolds.
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You stay away until she is properly medicated. Send a card or flowers, but stay away until the mood elevators have kicked in. Sometimes antidepressants take a month to level someone out.
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