I recently became DPOA for my mother and got added onto her banking accounts. My sister has been on them for a long time. So there are three of us on the accounts. My sister is bipolar, and can be very aggressive. So I am feeling unsure on how to deal with the finances.
Mother has been saving money to pay her funeral expenses. It was up to $4000. When she got bad with Alzheimers we started looking for nursing homes or assisted living places...they all say that my mother can't have more than $2000 in the bank so we have to spend down the money. We can't spend it on anything that doesn't benefit Mother but funeral expenses are allowed, we just have to have an irrevocable account.
Every month my mother pulls out $450 to live on. She lives with me and gives me $280 a month for rent and utilities and uses the rest for odds and ends she buys like groceries, clothing, etc..
My sister called me last month screaming about us pulling that money out and demanding to know where every dollar went. She accused me of 'making all these plans to deal with the money but nothing happens!'. So I made an appointment to go talk to the funeral home about the funeral. Sis said she'd go with me, thought it was a good idea. Then canceled and won't talk to me about it anymore. So I went alone, because it HAS to be done...and I made the arrangements, very basic, but it's $7500. (My sister was estimating up to $12000 and being VERY nasty about having to be the one to pay for it since the rest of us are all 'deadbeats') So I bought an insurance policy so if she passes before I finish making the monthly payments it'll be paid off. So my sister SHOULD be happy, it's off her plate.
so. I feel GUILTY every time I go to the bank and pull out money for anything. I have to pull out the $120 a month for the funeral for example...and I am paying people to come stay with her...not a lot, just gas money for my nieces and such. I keep records but how do you know what to do? I know I will never satisfy my sister but legally am I ok?
More important...am I morally ok? I haven't discussed this with my mother because she gets so obsessive and doesn't understand money anymore. She can't understand that she can have two accounts for example...she thinks she has accounts at several banks and wants to know why?
I feel so alone and I just don't know if I am going the right ways. Are you feeling lost too?
You are doing your best.
Why on earth would your mother be saving for her own funeral? You should be concentrating on life, not death right now.
The funeral need not be expensive. I'm sure there are other plans available that are much cheaper than $7500! I'd rather spend that money on my mother while she is alive, not dead.
But that's just my opinion.
Seeing an attorney will not cost you anything for the first 1/2 hour. In fact, I've even called one attorney because my mother hadn't signed a health care proxy and he was so nice, he gave me lots of advice and didn't cost me a dime. Sure, if I needed him to draw up actual documents in writing, I'd be charged, but it sure beats dealing with a bi polar sister.
Has your sister been diagnosed with bi polar disorder and is she taking her medications? There may be a way to get her off the POA if she's causing you and your mom trouble.
I wish you the best. This is not easy and others in our families who aren't actually hands on have lots of advice, yet they stay away. Tell them under no uncertain circumstances you are not taking their advice anymore and if they want to give advice, they can come take mom into their homes. That should shut them up.
you luck. I do know how you feel and what you are going through. You are doing the right thing be strong, and God Bless.
My mothers dementia got worse and she became paranoid and started thinking that I tricked her into giving me her money. She and my sister talked on the phone a lot during this time and I am sure dear sis encouraged this thinking. Mother moved out to live with my sister. I didn't know it at the time, but Sister had mother taken off of her Arecept and Namenda, telling the doctor that she was allergic to them (she actually is allergic to some detergents). She revoked my POA and got Mother to sign her as POA. She ran through all of mothers money that had not been put in the trust-- about $15,000 in three months. She asked me for money to "pay mothers taxes".. and I sent her $10,000 from the trust which she used to pay a lawyer to file a lawsuit against me, each of the two lawyers who wrote the trust, the bank where the trust account was held, the broker, and the brokerage firm (all and jointly for $250,000 each)... And, after the lawsuit was well underway and she was tired of my mother, she dropped her in an assisted living apartment without telling me or my brother where she was. She also sold her $15,000 Highlander for $7,600 and gave the money to mothers (crooked) lawyer for "safe keeping".
As soon as I found out where she was, my husband and I drove up there and took her home with us. The manager of the complex said Mother was not doing well there--- she was down to about 85 pounds! (she had been up to 102 when she lived with us), had fallen and broken two fingers, couldn't use her tv remote or phone anymore, and they had been making plans to move her to a "memory unit" where she couldn't have her little dog that she is so attached to.
So, now Mother lives with me again and the last two conversations I have had with my sister consist of her screaming at me that I should "die and go to h*ll" and "rot in h*ll".. that I am a thief and she will "ruin" me and will "destroy" me and get me fired from my job, get me hauled away in handcuffs... send documentation to all my co-workers, family and friends that I embezzeled $40,000 from my mother. (I truly have no idea where that sum of money came from. Her imagination I guess) All of this at the top of her lungs, screaming, with both middle fingers extended.
Yeah. She's bipolar.
She actually has more money now than when we started the trust. We rented her house out for $950 a month. We use that $950 to pay for her groceries and such. I take money out of the trust to pay three ladies to stay with her at alternate times during the day so I can go to work.. and for 8 hours at a time on the weekends. The weekend lady loves thrift stores and yardsales and they have a good time when they are together.
So..
When my mom lived with my sister, it cost her roughly $5,000 a month. Now, we have 16 hour a day care (8 hours on weekends) and she has one on one attention and it doesn't cost anywhere near what my sister spent with nothing (and no receipts or documentation) to show for it.
I guess what I am saying is, the sibling who does the most complaining about money being spent is the one who would spend freely if they were in charge of the money. The only reason they feel they can complain is because they resent that you spend any money and see their inheritance drifting away. Remember, though, that your moms money is for HER and not for anyone to have an inheritance. Do not feel guilty about spending it on her care. A nursing home would be far more expensive and lots more impersonal.
Her money should pay her way and ease your burden so you can help her for longer. Don't feel guilty about using it.
One thing I did do that I feel slightly guilty about. I had the trust rewritten so I get the house when mother dies. I fully intend to sell it and split the proceeds with my sister (my brother has a large loan that will be forgiven as his "share"). After being told off several times by my sister I just can't imagine owning a piece of property or having any kind of business relationship with her if I can help it. The prospect just filled me with dread until I realized it was in my power to change it.... so I did. Very freeing, that decision. And, as I said, I can still share the proceeds with her. I just don't have to deal with her before hand. Pfft!
Also I have been told by reliable sources that I can expense $500/month for my mom living with me.
One thing I would do immediately is open a checking account in your mother's name alone or with you as joint owner. Keep your sister out of your mom's money.
Maybe you could take a couple of month's worth of bills over to your sister and ask if she will pay for half of your mom's care!
Yes it is very hard to not have more than $2000 in an account and to live off of, but that is what the government wants is for us to live in poverty. Than again there are other programs she may qualify for. Was her husband in the military? There might be a little money from that. Good -luck and research you will all come to a happy ending.
Once you have spent down her assets, then you need to figure out if you can handle her in the home or need a placement in a nursing home. I would get a consultation from a good elder law attorney. He/She will know how to become Medicaid eligible and how to keep the elder at home with you or in their home. Only you will know which works for you and your mother. Let their advice and your heart/mind guide you.
But get the mentally troubled sister out of the decision making process. It is not being mean but you need all your mental capacity to help an elder.
It will work out.
My mom has few resources, but had her funeral per-arranged and a few things on paper when she became dependent on me. (honestly, I feel grateful at times that my brother wants nothing to do with either of us! No arguing there. Doubt if he'll show up when she dies :( There will be no estate to settle. I am helping her financially now. It took about a year to get through all the "paperwork " but has calmed down. Now we deal with dementia/Alzheimer's . Hugs!
Your mother should be paying as far as she is able for her living costs. I know it feels hard-nosed to be calculating household bills like this, but neither should you be having these qualms about spending her money on her legitimate living expenses. I sympathise; I'm a bit on the ocd side of things and find myself worrying about getting separate receipts for newspapers (??) and is it ok to spend her money on her birthday card to my brother, and do I have to check with the POA siblings before I buy her present to him… And then think, what? This is ridiculous!
You're supposed to carry on on their behalf as was their habitual practice, as far as funds and practicalities allow. You are doing everything right, except that things like additional heating bills, a share of the grocery bill, things like that - these are HER expenses that HER income should cover. Keep good accounts, make sure you're not buying gin and cigarettes for yourself (! - like you would!) with her cash, and tell your sister she can come and look at the accounts any time, bring it on.
"Accountable" doesn't equate to "family whipping boy." You're doing a difficult job well, don't take any wotsit from your sister.
And, actually - what's she still doing on your mother's bank account? You have sole POA, right? If so, you want to get her off there. You can't take responsibility for anything untoward that she could get up to in future. Seriously, if the POA is active then you can't let your sister have access to your mother's money, or to her confidential financial information. It's got nothing to do with getting back at her; she shouldn't be on the bank account.
I had to get a bookkeeping software program, you can get them on line. This helps for you to bring up every penny you spend, you can break it down to money for scripts, clothes, toothpaste. I had to do this, because I had to be accountable to both families.
As for as getting a small salary or stipend for being your parents caregiver, ask a tax professional in your state, I had a lot more money to handle, but that is not the point, the point is, what should you take for job as caregiver. My tax guy told me that we should get paid for our service. Now the money you spend on your mom, for her needs is separate. If you get a bookkeeping program, or even a laptop, this is not for you, it is for your mother. It is amazing to look at everything categorized, it helps with taxes also, your sister can not see all that you do for your mom, so I can suggest using a excel program to do a daily worksheet, this is what I did for all of my siblings, with those two things, you can just show anyone questioning you, facts, and documentation to support your hard work.
It is a fine line, your parent does not understand how much work you do, way more than just being a daughter. Your family will not understand, because, the old saying "out of sight, out of mind" if they do not deal with it every day, how can they have any idea. Yes, you take care of your mom, and you do not expect to get paid for that, but if your mom was taking care of herself, she would have to spend money to do that. Separate the two. You have started, keep all documentation, track your daily work, take your utilities and things like food and divide them in half. Your salary or stipend, is going to be less than if you paid for a caregiver, because it is your parent, but you should get something. The amount of money you are talking about is very small, I would do some research on the cost of a live-in caregiver, the cost to pay someone to do what you do, and the next time that topic comes up with your sister, show her what kind of money you are saving.
One more thing about having a bookkeeping program, all of those receipts are organized, so if you bring up just one category, it will blow you away, it keeps track of a 1.50 item and they add up. You can keep track of the rent, moms part of electric, food etc. YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE TO JUSTIFY anything again.
I don't have the same financial issues as you are dealing with, but my mother did want to know about the bank accounts. So I made an appointment for us to go to her bank and have the manager explain things to her. She liked getting the information from someone other than me. Problems and questions pretty much vanished after that. Would your sister agree to a meeting with the bank manager? Or could the manager write a letter to your sister explaining how the accounts are being used? Getting information in writing is always helpful, at least for me.
Can your sister still remove money from your mother's accounts? If so, is there any way you can get her name off the accounts? To keep my brother, who lives 1500 miles away, informed about the accounts, I send copies of the monthly bank statements to him. Would your sister be satisfied with that?
Taking on the finances is complicated enough. Taking care of her daily needs as well is a lot of weight to carry. It was good to read that you are getting some financial contribution from your mother.
I hope you get some other helpful responses. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of keeping all the balls in the air.
Your sister's behavior may be the (obnoxious) way she's dealing with the suppressed guilt of not being the hands-on caregiver for your mom. OK, now I'll stop playing amateur psychologist and encourage you to let your sister's poisonous barbs bounce right off of you. You're the one in the trenches and the amounts of money you are accepting to care for your mother would undoubtedly be considered trivial (and inadequate) by any court in the land.
The key for you is to keep METICULOUS records and, if you want, periodically email them to your sister so she can see the expenses and your mom's minimal contribution to them. Personally, I think that if the money is there, you should be taking an amount that is more in line with the actual costs of supporting your mother.
Good luck to you!
When I agreed to $280 for the rent, I assumed she would be buying groceries and cleaning stuff along (which she DID while she could go to the store or if she goes with me) but now that she doesn't go out, I buy everything! My sister doesn't think I deserve more...she says I 'squander' mother's money.